Hi, {user:soul-writer]! Just dropping by with that review I promised (and sorry I didn't get to it within the time frame of the review request!).
Overall Impression
I was really drawn in by all the details of your fantasy world! Some of the new terms were a little difficult to keep up with at first, but by the end of the chapter I felt I knew what everything was, at least to a general degree. I had a good idea of who the protagonists were, what their goals were, and who the antagonist is/what their goal is. I also got a sense of the relationships between the protagonists, which made me want to root for them throughout the rest of the story. I know what the stakes are for this world at large and for the people within it. Your opening chapter has accomplished pretty much everything it needs to--setting up the normal world, introducing main characters in a characteristic moment, and making the reader ask a few very important questions (what's going to happen next? Will Khemrissa be able to protect the orb? Will they escape the camp? Has Isabarra perished?). These are the questions that keep the pages turning, so good job with that.
Things I Loved
Such a small detail, but I LOVED the character's names. They are unique but not too hard to pronounce (unlike some other fantasies I've read haha). Also, all of your unique tools and words and drinks--it just totally makes your fantasy world come to life. I really want to try lemmafruit and nihan now haha. Your characters are very well-developed with personalities all their own. These aren't just a bunch of cool-looking people who all talk the same or even have the same goal (even though they're all on the same side). Isabarra has her own goals that Gennrik doesn't quite agree with, Gennrik feels an obligation to Isabarra even as he has to lie to Khemrissa, and Khemrissa is kept in the dark about all the details and isn't too happy about the vague answers Gennrik gives her. This already makes for some inherent personal conflict even among the bigger stakes of Kilvallen's treachery and the rhenn shortage. I was also very impressed by your vivid descriptions. I was able to see your world very clearly, as well as the characters and the objects around them. This really helped to bring me into the story world (and also helped give some clues as to the identities of unique objects or words that I hadn't quite caught the hang of yet). For instance, Gennrik bringing Isabarra the nihan in a decanter and describing it in detail nailed it into my mind that this was a beverage, probably a lot like tea or coffee, and I didn't forget it after that.
Suggestions
I really don't have much to say in the way of plot/characters/comprehensibility. I thought you really did quite an excellent job. The only comment I will make is to be wary of including TOO much unique detail in the first chapter. For me, it wasn't too much, but I'm used to reading fantasy, and I'm a pretty stubborn reader, so if I don't understand something the first time, I'll go back and make sure that I understand it before I move on. Many readers may not be so patient or persistent, so just be wary. If you're going to strictly market to a fantasy audience, though, you're probably completely safe, as those readers, like me, will already be used to keeping up with a wide variety of new words and terminology. It may also be helpful to include a glossary for all of your unique terms (if you haven't done so already).
I did also find a few typographical errors:
-In the 9th paragraph (I count dialogue as its own paragraph): But the determination in which she bore through him had remained unchanged… In the context it's written, I got the impression that in which should be with which.
-In the 13th paragraph: ...barren plateaus chocked by sand that stretched to the horizon... chocked should be choked
-In the 26th paragraph: “They should’ve been back by now,” he noted.will I was confused by the extra word "will" at the very end of the dialogue tag. I figured it was an error.
-In the 48th paragraph: "...You've done your duty protecting it, its time one of them shared the burden." Two errors here: a comma splice and a missing apostrophe.
Corrected: "...You've done your duty protecting it. It's time one of them shared the burden."
Conclusion
I very much enjoyed exploring this first portal into your fantasy world. It promises high stakes, interpersonal conflict, and an intriguing world to explore. I look forward to reading the next chapters. Please feel free to request reviews anytime! (And I'll try to remember them better. )
Write On!
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