WOW! It has been a long time since I have read something this interesting.
Plot and Emotional Impact
I really enjoyed this piece. I love your main character Julian and the paranormal abilities he possess. I love reading stories like these. I can't wait to read more of it.
What Interested Me Most There were a few parts that were my favorite. I really like how you portrayed your character. He may be young, but he has a grasp on how to handle his abilities. At the same time, I pity him because that type of ability, seeing, feeling and hearing the victims can wear down the body and mind. I can't wait to see how he handles the family. The most interesting parts are you descriptions of what the ghosts are showing him. I can picture the scene as I am reading it.
Suggestions I really can't see too much of the characters. I know sometimes authors leave details of appearance up to the reader, but I noticed there were details about Anna, the red-hair, emerald green eyes, Tristan's piercings and the size of the lumberjack foster father, Sal. What I am having a problem with is your main character, Julian. When will we get some details on what his features are? For me, even brief details like you did with the family, will help determine how I should see Julian. I want to see the fear, feel the pain and hear the screams. When Julian hears the screams, what did it sound like? Did they sound like Banshee's wailing in the night? Blood curdling screeches that make the hairs on your body stand?
Overall, outstanding. I will keeping my eye out for more of this. I am hooked. Great job! Keep up the good work and keep writing.
Heartstrings pulled. Beautifully written. For me, I would have loved to "see" Emily before she was ill to bring me closer to her, such as a comparison of what she looked like before she was ill. Have Josh describe her eyes and when she laughed, he could see how happy she was and always touched his heart. Maybe a sentence or two of her personality despite her condition, etc. People want to remember how their loved ones looked before they were sick, so having something to describe Emily bring your readers closer to her. I hope that made sense.
'...the twinned lines running from his nose and into his mouth glistened with never-ending snot.'
I would have to say, I have read this a few times and I still feel the phrase above was the most disgusting part of the story. There is just something about snot going into the mouth that makes me shiver.
I absolutely love the way it was written. I love how you let the reader see inside the mind of one transforming into, what one would think, a zombie. Not sure if it was your goal of the what you would like your readers to think is happening, but as a huge zombie fan, that is the direction I thought you took it.
As the transformation takes hold of Charlie, I can feel his struggle in trying to keep it together. Keep the one thing that has kept him going. Home.
Hrm...It's very nice. I like how it just flowed well. Who is we? I'm not even sure if I am asking the right question. I like it though. Play with the pack and work as a team. I'm guessing 'they' go on adventures, whomever the 'we' are. In any case, it's nice.
If I had read this on the back of a book. I would be compelled to buy it just so I could find out the curse and who the traitor was. I like vampire stories too. I think the part that got my attention was the silver dagger piercing her heart and basically the return of someone who had vanished centuries ago.
HAHA...I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE this. With the first mention of the rocket and then David Rivers saying When I die, the only thing I will take with me is what I am buried with.' I kind of knew he was going to do something that would make his family's head spin. I couldn't help but laugh and even commented to my friends and family about how messed up it was but also deserved. David's family were spoiled rotten and I like how he knew it and did what he could to show how much he disliked it. I like that he was telling them how selfish they were with HIS money. And his wife was a cheat. Talk about having the last word. haha. I loved it. Great Job!
Wow...This was very good. I loved it. Had my moments of wanting to cry when he was kissing his daughter good night and saying 'I love you' and hugging his son. I felt so bad for all of them.
I do have to say that I absolutely love the twist. I had a feeling that something like that would happen as soon as the pill almost came out of the bowl when he placed it down in front of Timmy. Then when John gulped down his lukewarm coffee, I knew for sure that Timmy had put it in there. It was too easy of a getaway as well but I loved it.
It flow was smooth, no stumbling or trying to figure out what you were trying to say. The thought process of John was good. His well-thought out plan of escape. Like I mentioned before, it was sad as well reading about the children. It was a selfish way for John to do things but at the same time, it was merciful so the children didn't have to deal with Death of their mother. I do have mixed feelings about it as well. Cause Karma is a b***h. haha
Absolutely fantastic. Great short story. Captivating. I love a good story with a great twist. Well done.
This is one of the best pieces I have come across thus far. It was like reading close to one of Stephen Kings works.
"...the putrid, yellow vomit.' and everything that followed was perfectly written. When he shot himself, laying on the 'dirty carpet unable to move' and the description of his thought process of what just happened was fantastic.
I was engrossed with the story. Your character, Jack was an interesting guy. I love how you've brought that kind of sexual need too the limits.
Reading this brought back memories of someone I had cared for so deeply but never had the chance to meet. The emotions of loving someone you've grown so close to over today's technologies. Having said that, I found the story hitting close to home. Captivating I thought.
The emotions flowing through Ru as he battled the departure of having Myra in his life. Drowning himself in work to fight off the grief of losing her. I like how you stick to the realities of human behavior. I, myself, occupied my days with work. Working 70 hours per week. It normal and I like how you did that.
Although, I'm curious as to what happened. Why did she break it off in the first place? I gather it was because she was married? It's hard to say. But I like that you leave it open. Having your reader come to their own conclusions of why she ended it abruptly without a reason.
The flow of the writing was smooth, no fumbling or having to re-read any parts to grasp understanding. I'm sure other's wouldn't share my opinion on grammar and punctuation but it ran so smoothly that I honestly didn't notice anything.
Where exactly are you going with this? What are your intentions with the story?
Here's some ideas...
First and foremost, the last sentence is extremely long, which makes it hard to follow. Shorten them. There are many opportunities to place a period and start a new sentence.
Suggestions (which you don't have to use):
The plump cushions were perfectly placed on the sofa (Remove 'in a line so perfectly straight') with the drape(what drape?) hovering over the patches of dirt upon them (them who?)(Replace ','and with '.')I placed my handbag at the side of the sofa to answer the knock (Replace 'on the' with 'at the') door.(what kind of knock was it? A light creepy tapping or a booming bang?) but then it all fell silent.(Remove 'and' and start a new sentence.)(Reverse 'i hesitantly' with 'Hesitantly, I) reached out to touch the golden globe deciding (Completely changed P.O.V here)her fate her breathing grew heavy as she turned the stiff handle.(Remove 'then')There was a bang and the room fell silent again.(Contradiction: it's silent yet there are heavy footsteps?)and all there was to hear was the distant heavy footsteps along the cushioned carpet.
Very, very, very hard to follow. I found myself having to read the one sentence a few times. It was even a little difficult to edit. I think revising is needed before asking someone to help you finish the story. Needs a little more of what your character is feeling as well. Was she scared? Shaken? Hesitating could mean different things i.e., scared, cautious, etc.
I hope this helps. My apologizes for not helping you finish your little short story.
Though I value the opinion of others, I do have to say there's a place and time for the use of profanity.
I grew up in a guarded environment where it was a big no-no to use such obscenities. The first time I used the big 'F' word (by accident mind you) in front of my dad, he literally stuck soap in my mouth then grounded me for a week. I had to be about thirteen at the time. I remember him telling me, 'such language was unbecoming of a lady and shows of low-class character.'
As I mentioned above, there's a time and place for use. I believe in private where no one can hear you, acceptable, cause you're not offending anyone other than your walls. I mainly watch how I speak when I'm at work or someplace where small children are present. But I will not lie, I have the mouth of a sailor when I am at home. And though I try to mask those with common alternatives, sometimes, it just feels like profanity just fits so much better.
"...the diarrhea of cattle, how about defecation, excretion, or feculence?” - Yes those are better words to use but what's the difference really? Diarrhea is commonly used by physicians.
I suppose the use of language is to each-his-own. It's a matter of how, when and where you use it.
Great piece! It's a great conversation starter. :D
I can't believe I have nothing to say about this. It was like reading one of the many published books I've read throughout my whole life. It was almost flawless. And I say almost because it may not be flawless to someone else.
Like the mysterious moon plant, her white petals opened to me, and soon I touched the delicacy inside her. - Is my favorite part because you describe a women's tender parts like that of a beautiful flower. Which to me, is absolutely romantic.
I love how you have him choose her and though it's through his vampire powers to summon her, it's romantic that he basically immediately falls in love with her.
I also love the dark humor in the beginning of your story. Not being able to be a with a woman who laughs like a hyena. Or the woman with the bad teeth. He was looking for his perfection.
It's a wonderful story. I absolutely loved it. Had me captivated and hooked.
The writing was well done and easy to read. Didn't find myself stuck at any point. Very smooth.
I like Supernatural stories. This type of story is very common in the supernatural books. However, it was simply written. No complications or an over abundance of information. Although, maybe a few more details of her getting up from the bed and walking down the stairs to the back door following the giggling she's hearing. Otherwise it reads as if she's teleporting in some way. You seem to jump from one past to present without really easing your way into it.
'I only see the black curtain of despair which dropped over my eyes as they lowered AJ’s casket into the ground.' - Like the simplicity of your description of her despair. Just enough to give the reader a little of what she's feeling.
'...stairs that leading up to the loft.' '...stairs that lead up to the loft.'
'...long drive, why don’t you take a...'
I’m not crazy, I thought to myself.
'...around as I hard heard? muffled footsteps run...'
How did I follow path up here? Rephrase?
Here are some things where you've misplaced and/or forgotten your quotation marks
“He turned to me and asked “What was that?”
I want you to look at the world...'
You’re here! I grabbed him in a hug.
'...in your heart.” A look of bliss glowed from his eyes...'
When your time comes, I will be here.”
“Hey! You’re back! Look what I caught for dinner!” He called to me. {c:lgreen}When he tells her to 'look what I caught for dinner.' Maybe at a vision here. Like him holding up the few fish he caught with a big grin on his face. Men like to brag and show off their catches.
Overall, it's a good story. I can almost feel what the mother is feeling. Just feels like it needs a little more polishing and you'll be good to go.
Smooth read. Got stuck on a few minor things but when I got past them, real easy to read.
A few pointers...You use 'actually' frequently which is okay, repeated in two or three sentences in a row, it can be a bit distracting.
I honestly wasn't sure whether your main character was male or female until halfway through the chapter.
'I started, and whizzed...' was stuck here for a brief moment...maybe try 'Startled, I whizzed around...'
Otherwise it's a very interesting read as well as smooth. It seems that it's lacking in some description of surroundings. ALTHOUGH, I'm an avid writer and reader of Anne Rice and Stephen King so I'm use to having details swimming around as I read.
It's a good start. Very interested to see what Ash has to say to Derek and Bruno. Will probably be following this story as much as I can. Well done.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/celerityy
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.66 seconds at 6:18pm on Apr 25, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
WOW! It has been a long time since I have read something this interesting. 
