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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chrataxe
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8 Public Reviews Given
24 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Jeremy Scott
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Not a bad story! I always enjoy stories of magicians and I like theoretical physics/SciFi type of work. Nice job combing the two!

Just some quick tips:

Be weary of sentence structure. You have many run on/incomplete sentences. Your not so bad that I can't read the story, but it is definitely something to be conscience of.

Stray away from things "just happening." It creates an unrealistic feel. With fiction books, a reader has to be able to put themselves in unrealistic situations. If the unrealistic situations are unrealistic to actually happen, its hard to put yourself there. The part that jumps at me in particularly is when he gets the book. You said that there was no reason for him to notice the book, but he did. If there was no reason, then why did he? Its something that small and insignificant, so don't make something from nothing for no reason. A more realistic scenario would be that it jumped out at him because it DID have some particular draw to it.

One last thing: try to create some sort of drama, some sort of action and adventure that has a climax. Make some sort of conflict that needs to be resolved-----which you did, but there was no climax. Make it come and go, then peak. I find it harder to do with less words, but with 6,000 words for the twisted tales contest, that should be plenty!

Really liked the story. The strength of your story is the plot, the weakness is the lack of a climax, especially with the earlier foreshadowing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Thorn Tower  
Review by Jeremy Scott
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Very nicely done! I struggle a bit to find things to work on for improvement, so I just know, I have mostly praise for this work. You are a fantastic writer. I will offer you some advice that was offered to me once. Its tough advice, though very good (and situational, I feel).

First, one small note. I feel these sentences: "A crumbling tower spiraled up into the clouds; its black frame extending from the ground like the finger of a skeleton jutting through the earth. Struggling to escape from hell." could be combined into one easily by adding a comma between earth and struggle. Like I said, very minor, but fixable.

And, the advice that was given to me: try to not start sentences with the word it. The problem with the word "it" is that it is a nondescript pronoun. Sentences are singular thoughts. When you START the sentence with the word "it," you have nothing to reference back to.

For example: "...the odor was horrendous, I hated it."

In this example, you can clearly see that "it" refers to the odor. If we take a sentence where we start with it, there is no reference point.

Example (from your story): "It told him things, whispering in the dark between fireflies and campfire smoke."

In the example above, we have no idea what "it" refers to. What told him things? Yeah, we can look at the sentence before and know "it" refers to the song, but the point of "TRY(ing) not to start as sentence with it," you are forced to think of other, maybe better ways to start the sentence.

Lets take a look at a few more sentences you started with "it" and analyze them:

It would be best for both him and Rapunzel to be gone before they arrived.
It was no wonder the enchantress had trapped her here, keeping her beauty safe from unworthy eyes.

In both of these sentences, "it" refers to absolutely nothing.


Sometimes, you'll find something better, sometimes you won't. So, don't think that you can't start a sentence with "it," just remember, there are better ways to approach the sentence grammatically, each of which will almost always offer a much richer introduction to the sentence. To make an example, I'll try using your sentences above to make and not start with "it."

Her song was for him alone. The(ballad) told him things, whispering in the dark between fireflies and campfire smoke.

(Theodrick knew it would be best if him and Rapunzel) to be gone before they arrived.

(Theodrick did not wonder why the) enchantress had trapped her here, keeping her beauty safe from unworthy eyes.

Sometimes better, sometimes not, but it makes you analyze your work, never a bad thing.

Hope I helped. Don't think I'm picking on you, your writing is wonderful!
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