Nice! I like the story. My daughter draws a picture that would go wonderfully with this story. Good read. I found no errors in form or spelling. Keep up the good work!
Lora
Truely sad. I like the poem and the conflicts behind it. My favorite stanza is 4. Not only does it speak volumes. It also has flow. It resonates in your mind as you read it. You have a good topic and very well worded. Maybe too worded, somehow it needs more flow. It reads almost forced not felt. This poem has too much "feeling" not to resound when read. The last stanza makes the reader fill up with questions and leaves them wanting more. Well done!
No spelling errors found. Keeping writting!
What a ride! I love cats! I think this story is wonderful. Your characters are well formed. I love it when Joshua finally punches Tommy. This is a story I would read a chapter a night to my kids. WELL DONE!
I was reading with a 18 month old in my lap so I may have missed spelling errors but I did catch a sentance structure problem in chapter 6. Mr. Emery is talking to Joshua after Sam hits Tommy. " I know Tom giving you a hard time." I think you were thinking faster than you were typing. Don't you hate that? LOL
You have the beginning of a wonderful self portrait in words. My best advice is lengthen your attention span and your poem. You got me hooked then dropped me.You let me glimpse behind your beautiful eyes but still hide the heart. Don't tell me you have the heart of a dragon...show me. Make me see it let me hear it beat. I believe text messaging is the root of young writers lack of grammer. If you want to be taken seriously, capitalize "I" and pay attention to detail.
You have shills sharpen them. If you decide to show that heart of yours..email me with a rewrite!
Peace to your heart,
Lora
You go Char! I feel your strength in your words. I am not sure who this is to but baby you told them whats what! I love the spunk and praise the truth in this piece. Great job!
My prayers are with you and your beautiful family! My firm belief that "EVERYTHING happens for a reason" is also one of my sets of wings. This story breaks my heart and touches it all at the same time. It is not only well written, it is felt. Bless you!
Lora
This is a strong piece. You said so much in so few words. I pray your father is smacked in the face by your strength, beauty, and grace. From the sound of it he truely missed out on the growth of a beaytiful flower.
I cannot imagine! I lost two boys in second trimester still births. But I never held them. I never heard them cry or kissed their little faces. I cannot imagine having done so and then lossing them. My heart breaks for you. God knew I was not strong enough to lose a child after holding one.
Your poem is precious and well written. I find no errors. The flow is very good and it reads easily.
Thank you for entering the contest. These entries are sometimes hard on my eyes cause I cry through most of them but they truely bless my heart.
Lora
This is a beautiful poem. It is very bitter-sweet and well written.
Personally, I would shrink your font so that your lines appear shorter. This will help your reader follow your flow. The flow of the poem and rhyme are good but would be easier read if the lines did not overlap.
In line 4: "bye" should be capitolized as it is the first word in quotation.
Other than these minor things, the poem is strong and touches the reader very well.
Nice job,
Lora
I agree that roses are powerful. All forms of love are indeed special.
Technically,In paragraph 1 replace the - after love with a comma or semi-colon or reword it. Also, I don't believe "surcharge" is the word you were looking for in paragraph 2.
A nice piece and nice read for Valentine's Day
Lora
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The more I read the more intrigued I am as to your style and depth. I like the author's not on this one. It helped me understand more about these stories. You have quite a talent for depth and preception. I hope to have time to sit and read all of the pieces to this story.
A very interesting and seemingly tragic poem. Again, I must ask truth or fiction. If these things are not based on truth, you have a wonderful imagination and eye for details within a story.
Technically sound. I find no errors. The last two stanzas leave the reader wondering what happened. It is certainly a cliffhanger.
Lora
That ROCKS! Great job! Your flow is good and your words smooth. I can feel the pain and the relief. You did a wonderful job with the imagery. "Did they even know how their words made me bleed?" There is a lot of power in that line. I too am glad you are you! I am also glad to have come to know your talent! Write On!
Lora
Beautiful poem! I am interested in the dates given. What are they in reference to? I will probably feel stupid when you tell me because it is probably something I should know.
I love you listing the people effected by your choice.
One oops, line one "a" should be "at". Other than that nicely done!
What a sad yet precious poem. It touched my heart. The circle of life is never-ending.
Technically sound.Flows very well. Good read. Thank you for sharing.
In answer to your question...We live forever if we are loved and our lives remembered.
just as the Nanny said.
Lora
"To thine own self be true" Very well done! I like the attitude of this poem.
Technically it is a little choppy. It is good and your point comes through but it could flow smoother with a few commas and maybe some restructured sentences to make it easier to read.
Read your first stanza out loud. Do you feel yourself stuggel with the word placement?
Now read this out load...
What am I, if I am not me?
What do you think, I should be?
Will you like what you see?
If I show you the real me...
Can you feel the difference in the flow? Your words are still there just placed in a way that creates a flow for the reader. This is just a suggestion. Your piece is your's and you should be proud of it. This is only from a reader's point of view. But read it out loud and see if you feel other places that need a little smoothing.
Nice job! I am glad you entered it in the contest. good luck!
Lora
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Oh! That is truely a blessing! I can not begin to tell you have precious this story is. I could not wait to see how it would unfold. Shannon is a very special person!
I fould two misused words. In the next to the last paragraph. "Make a remarkable gesture" should be "Made a..." Eleven paragraphs from the bottom. "Shannon say" should be "Shannon saw..." Other than these two little errors I find no other problems. The story itself is perfect.
Very interesting! Welcome to WDC! I like your poem and hope to read more of your work. You sound like a wonderful young lady. Believe in yourself and others won't have a choice but to follow suit!
Lora
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This is a very well writte piece. It breaks my heart as it was designed to do. I am a southern girl and am horribly angry at the injustice of the white race. Your story is very touching and saddly very true. This piece could be added to and turned into a wonderful book. This young girl could end up being a very strong voice as her Papa would want. You have a wonderful foundation; keep writing!
Lora
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A very interesting point of view. Just a note on technique: it might present better in story form. Even if you keep it as a journel or observation putting it in story form and giving more details to your characters and setting may make your piece flow better. I was not hooked till the end. The last two lines are the most powerful.
Lora
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OH, my friend! You really need a content rating on this one! You used language which warrents an 18+ warning on your piece.
You have a good story. I find nothing technically wrong with it. No grammer oopses either.
You have a slow hook but once you get going the pace is very good. The characters are well done. The "actual" setting being a surprise is a nice touch.
Mercy! That is frieghtening! You did a wonderful job drawing your reader in and making them feel for the characters. Your characters are well developed. Your story flows well and is well written.
On a personal note, as a parent the justification and compassion for these two people is both interesting and concerning. You could place this piece in the psychology genre as well.
I find no technical errors.
Very well done!
Lora
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