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1
1
Review of The Roles We Play  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings and thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

The ‘title’ suited the theme of the poem perfectly. You’ve just handled such a complicated issue about the boys and girls roles which has been raised since long ago in a simple way.

Remarks and suggestions: *Idea*

*Bullet* ‘first love purple, has’ no need for the comma between ‘purple’ and ‘has’

*Bullet* ‘but being the mama that I am, did not fret or worry about it.’ Consider this sentence again. I think it can be ‘I did not fret …’

*Bullet* those are for girls’ consider placing a comma before the closing of the quotation mark

*Bullet* ‘would never know, that my three year old son…’ there is no need for the comma between ‘know’ and ‘that’

*Bullet* There are some other places where unneeded commas can be found.

*Bullet* There are also some in the poetry part as in
'For each time they try, to reach to the sky,
They are pulled down, shy'

*Bullet* In 'Will we have a fine life, as intended.' also there is no need for the comma separation between 'life' and 'as intended'. And this line needs a question mark.

*Bullet* 'Trying new things to suit their dare
Their world, and their life their affair.' Consider concluding lines again especially the last part 'and their life their affair' I think you maybe wanted it this way
'Trying new things to suit their dare,
their world, their life and their affair!

These were just my own thoughts on your work.


The ‘prose + poetry’:

The point of strength in this is the contradiction made between the two. You moved from the idea of ‘poor boys’ to discuss the opposite one in the poetry part ‘the poor girls’ and then to conclude each one’s 'changing the laws'.

Form, diction and style:

You have chosen to write the prose and poetry each in separate part and it came naturally with easy move from the prose part to the poetry one although the poetry part carried the opposite point of view of the prose one.
You have passed your opinion in an argumentative way using clear diction in a simple and light style.

Mood and tone:

The mood was a light one. It walked smoothly side by side with the friendly tone that you've used that one easily enter your house and feel the interests of the kids.

Rhythm and flow:

The poem does not follow a certain rhythm but the rhythmic pattern of it suits the light simple style of the poem. The poem all over flowed smoothly.

General emotions and content:

It may be such a complicated issue handled in your work about each of the two species roles but you've discussed it using a simple idea from childhood times and which all came in an enjoyable piece.

It was pleasure reading your work. Keep up the good work!

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Good Luck
2
2
Review of A Remorseful Song  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello and thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

The title suited perfectly your work. We sang this song with your character and felt the relief with her by the end.

Remarks and suggestions:*Idea*

*Bullet* The idea I gave them so many hints or clues was repeated several times. You can express this same idea in different expressions.

*Bullet* ‘it was meaningless babble, coming …’ no need for the comma between ‘babble’ and ‘coming’.

*Bullet* From the sequence of the first line of the first stanza, ‘Life tormented, soon unending’, I think that it’s better as ‘life’s tormenting’

*Bullet* ‘dinner time, everybody sitting around the table’ I think it is better to replace the comma between ‘time and ‘everybody’ by ‘where’ and placing an ‘is’ after ‘everybody’

*Bullet* Then “Please pass the bread. Oh, by the way, I keep having suicidal thoughts. And can you pass the butter, too?” Here there is speech split, you should close the quotation mark after ‘bread’ and open it again before ‘And can you…’

*Bullet* ‘a junior already, because’ no need for the comma between ‘already’ and ‘because’


*Bullet* ‘But I didn’t really want to. Guys were too much work’ here it is better to replace the full stop by a semicolon. Also, the second sentence by itself is confusing; what do you mean by ‘too much work’?

*Bullet* ‘to a little nothing like me. Brown hair, brown …’ it is better to replace the full stop by a semicolon since the following sentences are interpreting the sentence before.

*Bullet* ‘The only thing the remotest bit interesting about me my name.’ sentence confusion; it is not really clear what you mean by ‘the remotest bit’ here.

*Bullet* ‘My dad was a drunk. He beat …’ better replace the full stop by a semicolon.

*Bullet* {c:'green}‘against the wall,” and then her face got really white, and her eyes got really big, and then I’ repetition of ‘and then’ here. You can directly ‘her face got…

*Bullet* ‘I don’t know why I finally snapped. I wasn’t…’ better a semicolon instead of the full stop between ‘snapped’ and ‘I wasn’t’

*Bullet* ‘I didn’t want to be sitting in cold water for this experience.’ This sentence can be stronger keeping a similar form. For example, you can say ‘I didn’t want to face this experience sitting in cold water’ or any way you see more suitable.

*Bullet* ‘Darkness closed over my mind, and I thought’ no need for the comma between ‘mind’ and ‘and I thought’

These were just my own thoughts on your work.


Content:

The subject of your story is effective. You touched us by the character’s despair that lead her to commit suicide. You’ve started by describing the feelings of her in the first person then you started giving the reasons why she felt that way


Characterization:

The subjective relating of the story creates a direct relation with the reader that makes the story more believable. We are into the life of this girl feeling her uneasiness and reflecting with her.

As to Poetry parts, they were smoothly inserted throughout the story. You have used the song in an easy way to continue your idea that you were discussing before.

The concluding stanza was effective. You moved from relating how she was taught that life is worth living for to move into the character’s state of being after that.

Mood and atmosphere:

The mood of the poem in general is a dark one that shifts to a hopeful relaxing mood by the end of the story. This was done through a suitable atmosphere that was dim and dark except for the last stanza where ‘Joy had finally been unbound’

The 'poetry + prose':

Your poetry was divided into quatrains throughout the story. The poetry flowed naturally as a unit and smoothly all over the work in a nice way.

Form, diction and style Diction and style:

Your choice of words was easy and clear written in a simple style that one can easily relate with. There is no more than the remark given before for repeating some words or phrases.


As a whole, it was an enjoyable effective read. I enjoyed reading your work. Keep writing!

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Good Luck
3
3
Review of White Queen  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The combination of the game cards and your description of your relationship is attractive. The tilte White Queen, being picked from these cards also, suits the poem very well.

Remarks and suggestions:*Idea*

*Bullet* To make you love for me it is 'your love'

*Bullet* Ever grow I see it is better be as 'Forever grow.'

*Bullet* In the second line of the second stanza, I suggest replacing the comma after 'me on' by a full stop since a new sentence begins after.

*Bullet* Success or Failure,
My fate is drawn, maybe it is better to start the first line by 'To success…' and the second line, it is better to replace the comma after 'drawn' by a semicolon.

*Bullet* You have left the genres as 'other' though I see that many genres can be included such as relationship and emotional. Specifying the genre can tell give the reader a hint of what is going to be read.

Form, diction and style:

The choice of words in this poem is simple and good.
Your poem is divided into small lines quatrain which is a good division for the poem and matches the light style of the poem. Gathered, these give the poem clarity to be easily read and understood.

Rhythm and flow:

The poem does not follow a certain rhythm but the rhythmic pattern of it suits the light simple style of the poem. The poem all over flows naturally with an internal music that touches us.

Imagery:

Again, the cards carry an important role. The images of the cards constitute what the speaker relates to his lover; the white queen. These images are cleverly presented.

Mood and tone:

We feel a glimpse of sadness in the mood of the speaker at the beginning of the poem as he addresses his lover. Then, the mood of the poem turns gradually to a hopeful one; whether success or failure
Always I’ll Remain,
Faithfully true.
The mingling of the cards with the relation the speaker is relating gives the poem its special tone that completes the mood and form.

General emotions and content:

We see the speaker in this poem stating that his life is devoted to the one he loves that he is stuck in her game of chess. We understand that the lover carries feelings to the speaker which she is not revealing for the excuse the relationship will never work.
It is nice how you have included the cards, you state a nice comparison then enter her opinion easily after that.
Then, carrying still the hope of his white queen, you nicely presented the resolution of success or failure of this relationship resembling that of a true chess game.

Aces for you! Very nicely written!


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4
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Review of Imperfect Rhymes  
Rated: E | (4.0)
And what imperfect rhymes! The title suits much the content where it matches it in the style of the poem and in the kind of relationship the poem displays.

Remarks and suggestion:*Idea*

*Bullet* I see that there is no need for the spacing between each line in your poem. It can be better read without such spaces.

*Bullet* Pages out of order. since this line is completed by the line that follows, then there is no need for the full stop after 'order'.

*Bullet* This manic standing behind unbreachable walls preaches, I think maybe that you meant 'preachable' in p not in 'b'.

*Bullet* Then may her wild display of tears and dismay I suggest a comma after 'then'.
And I see that the comma at the end of the following line and the full stop at the end of the line before the last is not needed.

*Bullet* Telling the truth,
Healing,
Leaving misunderstood. these lines are not clear enough what you mean by. I don't know if maybe what you mean can be like this
'Telling the truth is healing,
While leaving can be misunderstood'

*Bullet* Moving to slow showered cold
Doubt on my soul., also these two lines are confusing. I could not get what you meant by these; some clarification is needed.

*Bullet* Fear makes me aware the price of her heart guarantees I'll never
Afford her. these lines cannot be read as a whole. I see that you have to read it again.
Maybe, it can be, if it is what I think you meant,
'Fear makes me aware of the price of her heart
and this guarantees that I'll never afford her.' Also, you see that you can change the length of you poem lines. It is true that your poem is written in free verse but your lines vary much, so organizing it can make it more readable.

Form, diction and style:

The poem is written in free verse. There are some remarks and suggestions about the form that are given above, since they also interfere in the meaning of the poem.

Your choice of words in general is good and simple. There are just some remarks, also stated above, that relate to joining these words.
The style is good in general, a little order in the form of the poem can strengthen it even better.

Rhythm and flow:

The poem though rhymes in some places but it does not follow a certain rhythm but it is in general flowing except where the meaning is not clear in the places I talked about before. Revealing the meaning of the poem better can make it flow better since the poem contains already an internal rhyme that makes it read nicely.

Imagery and figures of speech:

The images used in this poem is nice as that of clay and storm. There is also alliteration as in Telling the truth, Despair and disorder beat in time…

Mood and tone:

We sense a sad mood throughout the poem. A mood of dissatisfaction in a relationship where the speaker feels despair and the fear stops him of conveying his feelings to his lover. The tone suits the mood of the poem and together affects us.

Content and general feelings :

The poem is full of emotions; confused emotions that appeared also through the style of the poem. This confusion transcends to us, we feel a little doubt of what kind is this relationship that the poem handles. WE feel the hesitation of a lover to tell his beloved about his emotions then the poem ends by a stormy relation where pain settles listen to her hurt

What I liked most is 'Rain gives clay new form!' It is a nice and simple expression that carries a lot of meaning.

The poem as a whole is special in dealing with relationship issues. Its different way of handling such a usual subject is what makes it signifies and renders it enjoyable.

Good work!

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5
5
Review of Black and Red  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The colored title 'Black of Read' colors the mood of the poem with blood and death.
The beginning is impressive and the poem continues strongly.

The transformation in the sense of the poem is effective. There are four repeated phrases in three different places in the poem and which constitute the core of it; first in the present tense then to the continuous and at last to the past tense. This transition in tense is not random, it moves as we move forward in the poem.

Some suggestions are given throughout;

Imagery:

There are nice images here like that of people and darkness but I see that this subject can hold some more images that can enrich the poem even more.

Form, diction and style:

Your choice of words is simple but it can be more varied where you repeated some words such as dark and darkness, you can replace the repetition of these words by another synonyms or it can be better if you can create an image for darkness instead of mentioning it directly.
You wrote your poem in free verse and a simple style which makes the poem easy read and enjoyed.

Rhythm and flow:

Your poem does not rhyme but it is rhyming internal within the same lines people yell, people kill, people die, people cry

The poem in general is flowing except for some places where the meaning stops awhile, I'll mention it later. But all over the poem flows naturally.

Mood and tone:

The mood of the poem is a sad one; it is a pessimistic one speaking about the miseries of life where people are loosing their humanity and real living.
The serious tone copes greatly with the mood of the poem.

Content and general feelings:

We feel this poem strongly. When reading this poem, we are acquainted with that which is expressed; lost. The speaker fades at the end of the poem leaving a strong impression on the reader.
There are some sentences that can be written stronger as Who do i turn to now for example you can say 'To whom shall I turn now?' by adding a question mark at the end of the line to increase the effect of the line.

What I liked most is lost in a world of stone; stone seems to provide a good description of this world you are presenting.
Also, the line of ' It's like a war, but no one's fighting' is very expressive.

As a whole, I very much liked your poem; in a few words you managed such a complicated issue. Few changes can make it Great! *Thumbsup*

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Review of Sweet Nothings  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
What an effective emotional poem! The title Sweet Nothings suits the poem much and it is an attractive one.

I'll start by Remarks and suggestion:*Idea*
as I see the poem is for a need of some clarity and maybe more details for we enjoyed reading it.

*Bullet* 'You wanted to take a chance
So you hold my hand and we dance.'[/c} since you are using the past tense in the first line, then you have to keep the tense in the second line. So the second line can be
'So you held my hand and we danced.'

*Bullet* because you arn't here with me.' it is 'aren't here with me.'

*Bullet* The 'i' all over the poem is small, it seems your intent. I don't know but it should be a capital letter 'I'

*Bullet* You have to have a second look at punctuation; you used just few in your poem. Punctuation in your poem is needed more to clarify it to the reader.

*Bullet* 'The lines are hidden words not seen' I see that you need to put a comma between 'hidden' and 'words'

*Bullet* 'Then you admit*Bullet*
You love me.' I suggest that you join these lines together as the length will cope then better with the rest of the stanza. This can be
'Then you admit; you love me.'

*Bullet* In the second stanza, I suggest adding a full stop or comma after the first line and a full stop after the second line. Also, a semicolon after but you are always there by me.

*Bullet* but who are you, you have started the third stanza by this line; first you have to start the sentence by a capital letter and then you can add a question mark at the end of the sentence. So, this can be 'But who are you?'
The answer in the second line has to begin by a capital letter and you can also add a full stop after the last line in the stanza.

This can be done to the rest of your poem. You have to check out the punctuation and organize more your poem.

Form, diction and style:

The poem is divided into stanzas of variable lengths, this is good but I see that one line spacing between the stanzas is enough; there is no need for double line spacing.
Your choice of words is clear. The poem is written in free verse, your style is simple and all in general makes it easy read and enjoyed.

Rhythm and flow:

You used irregular rhyming in your poem. We have internal rhythm in some places and the poem as a whole flows naturally.

Imagery and figures of speech:

The use of images is in general good and there are other uses of figures such as alliteration: the windows wide open, While i wasn't coping, 'love lies, so promising'.
In all, it is good enhancing the emotional poem.

Mood and tone:

The mood is a mixed one and it confuses us sometimes. We see the poem starting by a happy mood, and then we move to a mood of depression. Again we move to a happy mood as the lover is always there. Then, the speaker says that 'you aren't there'. In the last stanza, the lover is again 'always there' but you end the poem by 'damn those sweet nothings'.
The emotional tone suits the mood in confusing the reader. As all, we get the mood of sadness; we feel maybe the confusion of the speaker herself. Any way, it is effective as we feel these maybe turbulent emotions.

Content and general feelings:

My happiness comes in depression 'depression' in this line rhymes with 'obsession' in the following line but it is not clear here what you mean; do you mean that you find your happiness when you are in depression state or that you found this happiness when you were in a depressing state?
There are also many repeated sentences. I had spoken about what we feel when speaking about the mood of the poem.
What I've liked mostthe contradiction in the line of as you whisper your sweet nothings'
But as a whole, the poem affects us as I've said and we enjoy reading it.

With just some editing and order to this poem, we can have a great one, good work!

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7
Review of Turning  
Rated: E | (3.5)
The title 'turning' is impressive. It carries a true and good description of the poem. We see the turning thoughts of the speaker shifting with the poem's mood.

Form, diction and style

Your words are easy and well chosen. The poem is written in free verse with a simple style with varying lines' length that sometimes cuts some thoughts. So, the poem is good and well understood despite some issues that I will mention below.

Remarks and suggestions:*Idea*

*Bullet* The Title of the poem is good but I think it must be written in capital letter.

*Bullet* You have started your poem with a small letter and this is not logical especially that you have used then, starting from the third line and all the lines that follow, capital letters at the beginning of each line.

*Bullet* When was I not blind or not being led You can add a question mark at the end of the sentence.

*Bullet* That I might not think but act and might
Not have to reconcile with my own mind another day' I think, for the meaning to be grasped easily, 'might' in the first line here can be added to the second line. Then, you can divide the second line after 'reconcile' if you don't want the sentence to be long. This can be as
'That I might not think but act and
might not have to reconcile
with my own mind another day'

*Bullet* Some other question marks are needed her, such as a full stop after my own mind another day, a comma after 'horrible' and 'twisted'.
And maybe in the line To stand alone now is a burden on my heart a comma can be placed after 'now'. A full stop after 'day by day'… you can also add 'and' after 'push forth'.

This can all help the poem be understood more as we stop more than once to know then when the idea ends. But it's all up to you after all!

Figures of speech


Flow and Rhythm

The poem does not follow a certain rhyme scheme and in general, there is no problem in the poems flow but in punctuation that is mentioned above and that which makes the flow stop as the reader stumbles with the idea in some places. But with adding some few marks, the poem will flow well.

As to the content

The ideas are chained nicely in this poem. The thoughts move gradually; we have despair at the beginning caused by the loneliness of the poet, then we see the thoughts as horrible and tangled. Then, with 'twisting', the direction of the poem is twisted to reach hope that is back by the poet's gathering strength and build a new heart that can replace the broken one. This progression of thoughts to reach to the conclusion just mentioned is that which gives the poem its strength.

Mood and tone

The mood starts as a sad and desperate one. The poet feels lonely, abandoned, and longing for someone to speak with. The mood shifts easily then to a mood of hope to build a new heart.
The serious tone suits the mood of the poem very well.

And overall, the poem stands and is effective and enjoyed, so keep writing!


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Review of Let's Pretend  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Your poem takes us back to when we were children. Though each one's experience is different from the other, we feel it. You have described so nicely times that have passed in a number of lines that are effective.

The Title attracts the reader and when we read it then, we feel that it exactly suits the poem's content.

Form, diction and style

You have used clear choice of words and a simple style that quietly matches the content of the poem. In a rhyming and free verse poem, you've captured your reader's attention.

Few Remarks:*Idea*

*Bullet* I wish in the building blocks ancient towers I could find I think you have missed 'of' before ancient towers' and since the sentence is reversed for the sake of rhyming, you maybe has to put 'that' before in the building. The line all over can be thus 'I wish that in the building blocks of ancient towers, I could find'

*Bullet* And trucks were powered by tiny hands and not gaget-tation. I do not know what you mean by gaget-tation.

*Bullet* as to the genres, you started by other as a genre though you placed two other genres, so maybe you can fix it as it is the first one that is written beside the kind of item which is poetry here.

Figures of speech

The images of childhood are numerous throughout the poem; of 'building blocks', 'nursery rhyme', 'of Mom' and many other enriches the poem and gives space for the reader's imagination to flow.

Flow and Rhythm

You have used the rhyming couplet form in your piece and which flowed naturally with an internal music throughout the poem.

As to the content

The way you described the childhood with that 'let's pretend…' is so attractive. It is pretending although it is the age of innocence. You used small activities of past time in a smart way that gave the poem exactly what it needed to and always through simple style that makes it understood easily and enjoyed much.

Mood and tone

The mood is that of nostalgia; the poet is remembering the past days and longing for childhood. There is a mood of happiness when remembering the past and we sense a glimpse of sadness at the end of the poem when the poet wishes to slip back again to these days with a very well suiting tone.

What I've liked most is the last line of the poem
Yes, I’ve often pondered the days of let’s pretend
but it was all over great and very nice read.*Thumbsup*


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Review of Bitten You  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
It is nice how you have chosen a vampire speaking to his 'baby girl' and making his own confessions. What is different is that we see this vampire as barbaric but still keeping some feelings inside.

But, there are many mistakes traced in the poem that much distract the reader's attention.

Remarks and suggestions:*Idea*:

On Grammar:

*Bullet* 'What have i done' 'I' is better written as a capital letter here and in the rest lines of the poem.

*Bullet* 'Your chaning' I don't know what you have meant to say here 'chaining' or 'changing'. And if you mean 'you are' then you have to write 'you're'

*Bullet* 'Oh crab my bigest fear' it is written 'biggest'

*Bullet* 'Every mintute of it and that i should have' It is 'Every minute'

*Bullet* 'Bitten my babby girl' it is 'baby girl'

'I've fricking bitten you' I don't know what you mean by 'fricking' her.

OnPunctuation: and other

Your poem contains separate phrases in one line, so you have to use punctuation in order for the sentences to be read easily for one have to read some line more than once to be able to understand the meaning.

You can for example in the first line, What have i done I suggest also here that you place a question mark at the end of the sentence.

*Bullet* 'I said i would never let you fall
Yet i did you say you loved' theses two lines cannot be well understood without punctuation, it can be as
'I said I would never let you fall,
Yet, I did. You said that you loved'… the tense of the verb 'say' should be in the past

*Bullet*Also, a full stop can be placed after I still do but i let you and so on.

*Bullet* An ''and' can be placed before the last line.
You have to have a second look at punctuation.


As to the content

The genre description gives the piece some sense. You are speaking about a vampire and his lover or 'baby girl' as you've described it. It is cute but you have repeated words as 'beaten' much in the poem. They can be replaced by other synonyms as to avoid a repetition of such a heavy word. Even though you are describing a rough scene or beating it can be done more smoothly.

Flow and Rhythm

The poem does not follow a certain rhyme scheme and is written in free verse. This is fine, but what I've mentioned above add to the grammar mistakes and lack of punctuation prevents the poem from flowing. It makes the reader stop several time while reading your poem in order to grasp the meaning.

Mood and tone

The poem, though a vampire one and is titled 'Bitten You' have a slightly humorous touch which is nice.

As overall, the poem is a good one but you have to pay attention to such mistakes as those previously mentioned.

Keep Writing!

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10
10
Review of My Prayer  
Rated: E | (4.0)
And what a flowing heart you have! This poem touches us in its simplicity and meaningfulness.

Form, diction and style

The poem is formed of five quatrains and which is a good division making the poem easy read.

The choice of words is simple with a simple style that all contribute to make the poem easily understood and enjoyable.

Suggestions:*Idea*

*Bullet* 'I cry, come closer to me,' I see that it is more correct here to say, 'When I cry, come closer to me' as it is followed by it is You I want to see. or you can say 'I'm crying, come closer to me'

*Bullet* 'you' is repeated many times in your poem, I think it can be replaced in some places but of course, it's up to you.

Figures of speech

The use of alliteration as in Flooding my life with your love, and for You may my soul yearn and ' to say what You mean to me and other images created for the heart and soul is nice and adds to the poem.

Flow and Rhythm

You have used the couplet form rhyming scheme in your poem except for the third stanza where you used the rhyme and the rhyming in general is flowing naturally all over the poem but though you could have kept the same rhyme but it is nice and natural.

As to the content

It is very effective how you have chosen to express your need and love for God. It is He who can lead us the right way and it is very true what you say and one feels acquainted with.

Mood and tone

The mood starts as a sad dark mood, the poet is crying lost and asking for God's grace and calling for Him to be looked at and saved, to be granted a new heart. The poet continues to speak about love, the love of God. The mood slowly shifts from a little desperate one to a mood of hope as feeling what He can give. The poet ends looking at heaven in the last stanza.
All of this you have done in a serious and religious tone that suited very well the mood of the poem.

As overall, this spiritual poem is nicely written and effective. Good work!

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11
11
Rated: E | (3.5)
What an appealing night angel!

We have a nice image of this angel and the poem is simple and well written but I have a major remark about the punctuation. I think that the use of punctuation is important in poetry but the overuse of it and disturbs the reader and makes the poem look crowded. You have used many unneeded punctuation marks and I'll tell you next where, in my opinion, these marks are not needed and it is just my own opinion.

Remarks and suggestions:*Idea*


*Bullet* Your poem consists of related sentences from the beginning to the end of the poem except for one pause when the night angel is mentioned in the sixth line. This means that this poem can carry just two punctuation marks.

*Bullet* In the second line, I think you have mistakenly typed two full stops and anyway, I think that both are not needed.

*Bullet* Instead of telling where these marks should not be, I am going to give you my opinion to where they should be. With the few and short lines of the poem, you placed a mark after every line and a semicolon after three consecutive lines. I think you can keep the semicolon or put a colon after 'apart'
carrying the worries apart;
the angel of the night; as that will introduce whom the poet is speaking about.

*Bullet* If the commas after 'constantly', 'instantly' and 'grecefully' are to be kept, then you have to put 'and' before 'sparkling'
sparking hopefully,
that the seer beneath,
learns from her to be- but then the commas after 'hopefully' as it is followed by 'that' and 'beneath' as it is continued by the following sentence. Then the dash after 'be' needs to be deleted so that the last two sentences will be like 'learns from her to be a light …'

Form, diction and style

It is one part poem and this is good as it is short. It contains clear and very short sentences with simple choice of words and the style is simple and all over it is good and makes the poem easy read.

Figures of speech

The poem is consisted of appealing images all through the poem. They are nice images that give us description of this angel and what she does.
Also, there is alliteration as in I saw a black blanket and all enrich the poem.

Flow and Rhythm

The poem does not follow a regular rhythm, but the rhythm flows naturally and the poem has an internal music.

As to the content

It is nice how you had started your poem with the outer description and then moved inwards to back reflect the inward to shine to the world.

Mood and tone

The mood is a happy one celebrating the night's angel while she is 'delighting', 'sailing', 'glittering' … and bringing light to the world with the tone suiting it quite good.

As overall, the poem is well written but at most it has to get rid of the useless punctuation mark to be shine as your beautiful angel.

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12
12
Review of Jaded  
Rated: E | (4.0)

This poem is very emotional and effective. The words seem truly told with regret of a lost love. It is good how you were able to manage some complicated feelings of pain and regret in a simple poem.

Remarks and suggestions:*Idea*

'I face my lonely resurection' it is 'resurrection'

My dreams all that I grasp
And under them I start to gasp I think it is better to say
'My dreams are all that I grasp
And after them I start to gasp'

And into my salvations light I think it is 'salvation's'

I wish I could have loved so whole hearted
But all my cares are long departed I think that you have to use the past tense in the second line as keeping the tense of the first one, 'But all my cares were long departed'

I don’t think that this line is correct Now I lay me down in disgrace maybe you can say 'Now I lay down in disgrace' for example or I don't know if you mean' I lay myself down…'

These are just my own suggestions as a reader.

Form, diction and style

The poem for the most is written in a couplet form except for three parts written in a triplet stanza. This division of lines makes the poem easy read and understood.

You use simple words with a simple style that gives clarity to your poem.

Flow and Rhythm

You followed in general the couplet rhyming except in the triplets where rhyming was interrupted. It is in general flowing naturally throughout the poem but it is forced in some places as in the second line of the second couplet. But there is also rhythm within the same line as in My outlook crushed and jaded and Who gave you this fear of all you hold dear which was nice.

Figures of speech

The poem is emotional and contains images that appeals to the reader's emotion.
There are also some figures that enrich the poem as alliteration for example in And now I lay myself so low and Has brought me to my knees

As to the content, we feel the writer's remorse for the past. It is effective how the speaker was admitting the past mistakes and the wrong that was done.

Mood and tone

The serious and sad tone of the poem goes well with the content of the poem and the dark mood of it. It is a mood of depression and hopelessness, the poet lost faith and hope but in the last line.
We see a kind of shift when you said And pray I've not caused you too much fright and this indirectly shows some traces of hope still remaining in the poet's self.

As overall, it is an affective poem that touches us. You cannot stop fighting with such a good poem!

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13
13
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Your words are so much true. It is good to have that potential; for this is the best way to succeed and stand out in life.

However, you have identified the item as a short story, and when viewing this item we expect to read a story, but we find no story. I think this can be better classified as opinion (and a very true and effective opinion it is).

Remarks and suggestions: *Idea*

*Bullet* How a poor african american girl struggle to become a sucess in America. First, 'sucess' is written as 'success'. Then, when we read this caption line, we expect a story speaking about this girl and her journey through which she had struggled to attain success in America.
And, as I have said before there is nothing of this story. You just spoke about how one can overcome the obstacles by the help of God and self esteem.

The title 'On the Backside of the Mountain' suggests that it is an adventure or journey which the girl will live to achieve her goal. But, then we discover that you are speaking about 'Moses'. This is a nice choice of title but lacks a story.

*Bullet* 'that you are more than a accident or a stat' We say, 'an accident' and I do not know if you have meant statistics by 'stat', if yes, I see that the use of it is not quite right.

*Bullet* How does one come from behind the mountain and reach for goals and dreams that has been told to him or her that she or he cannot have sucess, It is 'for goals and dreams that have been' since it is plural. And as before, 'sucess' is 'success'.

*Bullet* makes you understand that you have been choosen to motivate and educate others. it is 'you have been chosen'

*Bullet* 'Futhermore, people will look at where you started' I see a typo here 'Furthermore' you've skipped an 'r'.


The two paragraphs you have written, if not to be just an opinion, can be a very well introduction to a story in which the atmosphere of the story is introduced with the background of the main character who is the girl.

This item is a very good one if to be developed further; we would really want to know about how that girl has managed to overcome all the obstacles facing her. This would be a very interesting story to be read since what your style appears to be good and your thoughts are effective. Or, you can make it just an opinion.

I hope that you'll develop this one into a story because there is good material at your hand and if you did so please let me know so I can read it.

Good Work!

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14
14
Rated: E | (4.5)
A special use of the idea of hidden things.

I liked much the line ' Thoughts running endlessly unseen.' It is impressive in meaning and choice of words that contributes to the musical tone of the poem.

Flow and rhythm: the poem flows naturally with an internal rhyme. The words follow in a natural way throughout the poem.
The expressions in the second part of the poem are much effective.
The line mentioned above and the use of other figure of speech such as alliteration in 'Distant past of people to find' all contribute to strengthen the poem and create the proper atmosphere for hidden things!


Remarks:

'Hidden doors with secret passageways,
Picture images not usually seen:' I see that there is no need for the comma after 'passageways'.

'Abilities used in future time;
Distant past of people to find' since this line finishes here and the line after it is alone, then I think you can add a full stop after 'to find'.

Whereas the things are hidden, the nice images of this poem is revealed to constitute clear and effective poem *Thumbsup*


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15
15
Rated: E | (4.0)

That was an attentive and enjoyable short story. The magic in it catches us to the end.

I'll start by some *Idea* remarks and suggestions: *Idea*

*Bullet* 'Didn’t I remind you twice yesterday!' I think it is better to say, 'hadn't' instead of didn't.

*Bullet* 'Without looking up she knew he was scowling, he was always scowled at her.' Here I see it is better to place a comma after 'looking up' and it is 'he always scowled at her' or 'he was always scowling at her' or even 'he has got used to scowl at her'.

*Bullet* 'at any possible mistakes he found in her work', it is better to say 'at any possible mistakes he may find in her work'.

*Bullet* 'If her master, the wizard Ah’Fez were to go to his study for something…'A comma should be placed after 'the wizard Ah'Fez'.

*Bullet* ' When this happened she would forget about cleaning it, and would usually like today, receive a tongue lashing for it.' Here it must be 'happens' not happens, since you are speaking here and the sentence before about things that happen usually. Then there should be a comma after 'happens' and another one before ''like today'.

*Bullet* 'Stepping closer to the desk she could now see the figure', a comma can be replaced after 'desk'.

*Bullet* “Would you show me?” it is better to say 'can (or could) you show me?' or 'Would you like to show me?'

*Bullet* “Perhaps if you went back home, found a new wizard to teach you.” Alia suggested. This sentence does not seem correct, you can say for example, “Perhaps if you go back home, you will (or can) find a new wizard to teach you.”

*Bullet* 'I don’t have a home, or a family.' There is no need for the comma between 'a home' and 'or a family'.

*Bullet* 'Everything I have, master Ah’Fez gives me.' Here you have to say: 'Everything I have is what master Ah’Fez gives me.'

*Bullet* 'Repeat after me. Ashes and dusts all…' I see it is better to replace the full stop between 'me' and 'Ashes' by a colon.

*Bullet* 'thinking of the woman named Alia who she saw in' it's better to say 'whom' instead of 'who'.

*Bullet* 'Filling a bowl with stew' by mistake, of course', there is a full stop at the beginning of the paragraph.

*Bullet* 'Being unable to access her own magic frustrated her, she needed Mouse.' To convey the meaning you need, I think punctuation must be ' Being unable to access, her own magic frustrated her; she needed Mouse.'

*Bullet* 'Wizard’s don’t take apprentices for nothing.' It is 'wizards' as plural and not 'wizard's'.

*Bullet* 'Though I must admit why your wizard took you if he so dislikes you is quiet beyond me.' This sentence is not right. It has to be 'Though, I must admit that why your wizard took you if he so dislikes you, is quiet beyond me (or my apprehension)'

*Bullet* 'Is that what your doing with Master Ah’Fez…' It is 'you're' not 'your'.

*Bullet* 'Two fresh bruises one on her cheek', a colon can be replaced after 'bruises'.

*Bullet* 'He’s gone to town for a new tome, and will return soon.' There is no need for the comma between 'tome' and 'and will'.

*Bullet* 'it was as if looking across a foggy lake, when all one could see is shadows.' Also here I don't see that there's a need for the comma between 'lake' and 'when'.

*Bullet* 'But hiding was useless she knew, he always found her.' Here, using always, you have to use the verb 'found' in the present tense and punctuation must change to reveal what is meant 'But hiding was useless; she knew he always find her.'

*Bullet* 'She wished she had helped Alia earlier, and hoped that her offer still held.' There is no need for the comma before 'and'

*Bullet* 'You’re killing her, and I won’t allow that.' Also here, the comma before 'and' is not needed.

*Bullet* 'For a moment the ball faintly glowed within the stranger’s…' You can put a comma after 'moment'.

*Bullet* 'Angrily the wizard lashed out,' another comma can be placed after 'Angrily'.

*Bullet* 'pile of blackened ash raising from a smoking robe.' It has to be 'rising'.

*Bullet* 'I am?' It is more correct to say 'Am I?'

As a whole, it is a very good story. The narration through this fantasy story is well done.

So, the action throughout the plot rises gradually from the misbehaving of the wizard, to the girl finding the 'crystal ball' and then reaches its peak when Alia asks for the girl's help, the refusal of the girl, and then the approval of 'Mouse' and helping Alia, then the final resolution of taking the girl with them and that brought relief to the reader.

As to characterization: it was done suiting much the tone of the story. We sense a change in the voice of the characters through the dialogue of them, especially the hesitating speech of Mouse, the little frightened girl'
We feel sympathy with the girl and then with Alia in the crystal ball, anger towards the wizard, and so, the characters' appearance was just right; every character appears where he should be in a natural way through a natural dialogue contributing to the rise in action of the story. The voice of the girl's dialogue was different suiting her little age.

*Bullet* There is only one remark: when Mouse agreed to help Alia, I, as a reader expected more than just ' With a sad smile Alia instructed Mouse'. I could not see why she would have done that reaction. Instead, she would have been filled with joy for the unexpected help after she has nearly lost any hope for survival.

Elements of surprise, as the crystal ball, strengthen the story and add to the curiosity of the reader.

The style is simple and nice and that which makes the story easy understood and much enjoyable. *Thumbsup*


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16
16
Review of The Duke  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a special way to speak about revenge and death.

First, one suggestion: *Idea*

In the second and the third stanza, the last two lines;
'I slip away in the foggy night,
No sight or sound, nor traces found' I see that it is better to replace the comma after 'night' by a semicolon.

It is good how you have made this duke made all these confessions about the deaths he have been responsible for. It is as if his conscience is speaking reminding him of all the wrong he has done.

The mood of the poem is a serious one which is that of death and revenge but which, on the other hand, is touched by light mood in dealing with such a subject as death.

As the mood, the tone of the poem shifts in the last two lines of the last stanza
'A duke to be cured
Of eating so many tarts.' to a light mood carrying some relief to the reader in spite of the dark mood of death.

The poem flows out naturally with an internal music strengthened by the rich use of the figures of speech as:
Alliteration and assonance as in 'A doctor to despise', 'No sight or sound, nor traces found'...

The images that you've displayed are effective whether in speaking about the deaths or punishment.
I liked most the expression of 'Wanting revenge for the lifetimes never spent'.

Very well done! *Thumbsup*

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17
17
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice short poem about reflections.
It is special how you have named a mirror by 'looking glass' instead of its usual name.

It is something we've got used to, and sometimes we do not really recognize, that not for this simple glass painted on the back, we could not have known our shapes. (There are cameras now of course but it's not the same!)
I see that this poem can reflect something deeper than just a vision sight. The 'sights that everyone sees' can be followed by an idea that indicates for example that everybody can see it but not feel it. I mean that it can also reflect our inner self.

I liked this poem and the feeling it gives in just a few words. *Thumbsup*

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18
18
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This story, or the first part of it, introduces us to the general mood of the story. We know about the character of the story through descriptions and his own thoughts and speeches to himself or to his truck.

The images used are nice in general. You have a special way to describe the scenes and the nothingness that the character was feeling.

Some remarks and suggestions : *Idea*

'Jake was a man of few words and that about summed it all up.' I see it's better to say 'and that summed it all up'

'All he knew was it was just too damn hot' Better to say 'All he knew was that it…'

'the wail of the sirens would soon come, followed by fuzzy, heat strewn, images' there is no need for the commas after 'fuzzy' and 'strewn' .

'across the sand. A veritable dust storm' It is better to replace the full stop between 'sand' and 'A veritable' by a semicolon.

'Even now in Blue River. In the middle of the Nevada desert. In the 110 degree heat.' I see that there is no need to separate these sentences by full stops. You can replace these by commas.

'Maybe the only living thing, period.' I did not get what the word 'period' means after the comma unless you mean 'the only living thing in that period'

'He immediately remembered with regret that he had forgotten his hat. Cowboy hat that is.' It can be better written as 'He immediately remembered with regret that he had forgotten his hat; his cowboy hat.'

'Sound stuck in the air, so thick with heat, that it did not move.' You can delete the comma after 'air'.

'He liked the feeling the weight of a gun in his hand.' This can either be ' He liked the feeling of the weight of a gun in his hand.' Or 'He liked to feel the weight of a gun in his hand.'

'while spitting tabacco?' it is 'tobacco'

I see that your story contains many bad words that come out of place. These are numerous and come mostly without a reason. It can be understood that the character in your story says it a lot but it is even found in your description of things also. I have mentioned it because using it a lot disturbs the reader.
* These are just my own remarks and first and last this is your story.

The setting of the story is good; you had given description of nearly everything that surrounds him and the time he was in. You have described also the places that he likes and used to go to.
We know from what you have written that he is escaping the cups because of a woman. What has happened is not mentioned here, maybe in the second part as you have said there is a second part.

As overall, it is a good opening of the story. So keep writing to see your plot and characters developed!
19
19
Rated: E | (3.5)
It is a nice story that just needs more details in order to keep the reader well in the mood of the story.

It is in fact a scene; a good one. But, it needs more attention.

Here are some remarks and suggestions: *Idea*

'They were mingling, an extremely jostling bunch…' It is better to replace the comma after 'mingling' by a semicolon.

'In all her newfounded glory', I think 'newfounded have to be splitted'.

'She had the look of digust on her face.' I think you have meant here 'disgust'.

'Her inability to function properly after her attempt at what she thought was a dream come true.' This sentence suggests that another sentence is going to follow. It cannot stand alone. So, it appears that you mean this sentence by itself. You can say then for example; 'She could not function properly after her attempt at what she thought was a dream come true.'

'She realised how wrong she was, and the remains of this nightmarish experience'. It is 'realized'. And there is no need for the comma after 'was'.

This is a good attempt to a story. But there is not enough clarity in it. What was the main character preparing herself to, is she a singer or what or a public speaker or…?
Then, there is something illogical in your story, how cannot her escort know that there was no audience in the hall?
The element of surprise here is nice, that she was dreaming of all the huge audience to be surprised that there is no body there, but it needs some more work to make it more convincing.

Another remark that follows her reaction; It is not natural in her case to have a feeling of 'she had a look of disgust'. She maybe shocked or totally surprised or any similar expression.

As overall, the characterization was good. The description given to the main character, except for what she does in life, is good. You have paid attention to the details of her movement, her face expression, her mouth's reaction…
Also, the other characters were displayed fine, but as well; the reaction of the escort is not quite convincing ' Maybe this just wasn't meant to be.' I think he should have more than that to say.

Last, the reader feels disappointment with your character and is surprised to what have happened with her. Her last reaction is what I liked most, it gives hope and a signal for continuing and not giving up. And this is what makes your story, though very short, enjoyed.

Keep writing!
20
20
Review of The Duke  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a special way to speak about revenge and death.

First, one suggestion: *Idea*

In the second and the third stanza, the last two lines;
'I slip away in the foggy night,
No sight or sound, nor traces found' I see that it is better to replace the comma after 'night' by a semicolon.

It is good how you have made this duke made all these confessions about the deaths he have been responsible for. It is as if his conscience is speaking reminding him of all the wrong he has done.

The mood of the poem is a serious one which is that of death and revenge but which, on the other hand, is touched by light mood in dealing with such a subject as death.

As the mood, the tone of the poem shifts in the last two lines of the last stanza
'A duke to be cured
Of eating so many tarts.' to a light mood carrying some relief to the reader in spite of the dark mood of death.

The poem flows out naturally with an internal music strengthened by the rich use of the figures of speech as:
Alliteration and assonance as in A doctor to despise', 'No sight or sound, nor traces found'...

The images that you've displayed are effective whether in speaking about the deaths or punishment.
I liked most the expression of 'Wanting revenge for the lifetimes never spent'.

Very well done! *Thumbsup*
21
21
Rated: E | (4.0)

Very nice story.

I'll start by some remarks and suggestions: *Idea*

'Didn’t I remind you twice yesterday!' I think it is better to say, 'hadn't' instead of didn't.

'Without looking up she knew he was scowling, he was always scowled at her.' Here I see it is better to place a comma after 'looking up' and it is 'he always scowled at her' or 'he was always scowling at her' or even 'he has got used to scowl at her'.

'at any possible mistakes he found in her work', it is better to say 'at any possible mistakes he may find in her work'.

'If her master, the wizard Ah’Fez were to go to his study for something…' A comma should be placed after 'the wizard Ah'Fez'.

'When this happened she would forget about cleaning it, and would usually like today, receive a tongue lashing for it.' Here it must be 'happens' not happens, since you are speaking here and the sentence before about things that happen usually. Then there should be a comma after 'happens' and another one before ''like today'.

'Stepping closer to the desk she could now see the figure', a comma can be replaced after 'desk'.

“Would you show me?” it is better to say 'can (or could) you show me?' or 'Would you like to show me?'

“Perhaps if you went back home, found a new wizard to teach you.” Alia suggested. This sentence does not seem correct, you can say for example, “Perhaps if you go back home, you will (or can) find a new wizard to teach you.”

'I don’t have a home, or a family.' There is no need for the comma between 'a home' and 'or a family'.

'Everything I have, master Ah’Fez gives me.' Here you have to say:' Everything I have is what master Ah’Fez gives me.'

'Repeat after me. Ashes and dusts all…' I see it is better to replace the full stop between 'me' and 'Ashes' by a colon.

'thinking of the woman named Alia who she saw in' it's better to say 'whom' instead of 'who'.

'. Filling a bowl with stew' by mistake, of course', there is a full stop at the beginning of the paragraph.

'Being unable to access her own magic frustrated her, she needed Mouse.' To convey the meaning you need, I think punctuation must be ' Being unable to access, her own magic frustrated her; she needed Mouse.'

'Wizard’s don’t take apprentices for nothing.' It is 'wizards' as plural and not 'wizard's'.

'Though I must admit why your wizard took you if he so dislikes you is quiet beyond me.' This sentence is not right. It has to be 'Though, I must admit that why your wizard took you if he so dislikes you, is quiet beyond me (or my apprehension)'

'Is that what your doing with Master Ah’Fez…' It is 'you're' not 'your'.

'Two fresh bruises one on her cheek', a colon can be replaced after 'bruises'.

'He’s gone to town for a new tome, and will return soon.' There is no need for the comma between 'tome' and 'and will'.

'it was as if looking across a foggy lake, when all one could see is shadows.' Also here I don't see that there's a need for the comma between 'lake' and 'when'.

'But hiding was useless she knew, he always found her.' Here, using always, you have to use the verb 'found' in the present tense and punctuation must change to reveal what is meant 'But hiding was useless; she knew he always find her.'

'She wished she had helped Alia earlier, and hoped that her offer still held.' There is no need for the comma before 'and'

'You’re killing her, and I won’t allow that.' Also here, the comma before 'and' is not needed.

'For a moment the ball faintly glowed within the stranger’s…' You can put a comma after 'moment'.

'Angrily the wizard lashed out,' another comma can be placed after 'Angrily'.

'pile of blackened ash raising from a smoking robe.' It has to be 'rising'.

'I am?' It is more effective t say 'Am I?'

As a whole, it is a very good story. The narration through this fantasy story is well done.

So, the action throughout the plot rises gradually from the misbehaving of the wizard, to the girl finding the 'crystal ball' and then reaches its peak when Alia asks for the girl's help, the refusal of the girl, and then the approval of 'Mouse' and helping Alia, then the final resolution of taking the girl with them and that brought relief to the reader.

As to characterization, it was done suiting much the tone of the story. We sense a change in the voice of the characters through the dialogue of them, especially the hesitating speech of Mouse, the little frightened girl.
We feel sympathy with the girl and then with Alia in the crystal ball, anger towards the wizard, and so, the characters' appearance was just right; every character appears where he should be in a natural way through a natural dialogue contributing to the rise in action of the story.

This all was strong enough for the story, there is only one remark: when Mouse agreed to help Alia, I, as a reader expected more than just 'With a sad smile Alia instructed Mouse'. I could not see why she would have done that reaction. Instead, she would have been filled with joy for the unexpected help after she has nearly lost any hope for survival.

Elements of surprise, as the crystal ball, strengthen the story and add to the curiosity of the reader. The style is simple and nice and that which makes the story easy understood and much enjoyable. *Thumbsup*

22
22
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice short poem about reflections.
It is special how you have named a mirror by 'looking glass' instead of its usual name.

It is something we've got used to, and sometimes we do not really recognize, that not for this simple glass painted on the back, we could not have known our shapes. (There are cameras now of course but it's not the same!)
I see that this poem can reflect something deeper than just a vision sight. The 'sights that everyone sees' can be followed by an idea that indicates for example that everybody can see it but not feel it. I mean that it can also reflect our inner self. This can add to the value of the poem.

I liked this poem and the feeling it gives in just a few words. *Thumbsup*
23
23
Review of searching for u  
Rated: E | (4.0)

This is a special sad romance poem.

First, some remarks and suggestions: *Idea*

Before the last line, 'and his vainful flight of a mile' I think you have meant here 'painful'.

I see that it is better to divide your poem into stanza instead of separating each line from the line that follows.

I suggest that you begin your lines, not necessary all, with a capital letter for all your lines begin with a small letter even the beginning line of the poem.

Your poem is empty of punctuation except for four commas at the beginning of the poem.
You have to add more punctuation; this can make the meaning of the poem clearer.

Now, some suggestions related to punctuation, division, and meaning:

I will take the first eight lines for example,

'withered petals of once blooming flower,

tired of waiting for rain,the promised lover,

always under scrutiny by the sun and the moon

afraid of wind trying to make it swoon,

witnessing her sisters sway with joy

young they are and interest the bee boy

while she waits for the clouds to turn gray

time drags its feet and the night devours the day'

All the sentences here follow each other with no reason, in a way that confuses a little bit the meaning due to long related sentences.

You can here replace the first comma after 'flower' by 'are' so that these sentences are connected not just each sentence following the other. The comma between 'rain' and 'the' can be replaced by a semicolon and you can put a full stop after 'swoon' and 'boy'…

This can be as:

'Withered petals of once blooming flower are
tired of waiting for rain; the promised lover.
And always under scrutiny by the sun and the moon,
afraid of wind trying to make it swoon.

Witnessing her sisters sway with joy;
young they are and interest the bee boy.
While she waits for the clouds to turn gray,
time drags its feet and the night devours the day.'

The same can be done to the other lines of the poem. Also, there are few longer lines, as the last one, that can be divided to suit the length of other lines. (These are just my own suggestions)

As a whole, your poem is nice and effective.
The figures of speech are enormous in this poem. The images you created are strong whether in describing the bees, rain, wind…
The personification adds to the poem and it goes all through it in a natural way; you personified many elements of nature in a nice way as in ' waiting for rain, the promised lover', 'the jealous wind offered his breeze'...

Also, other figures as alliteration 'under scrutiny by the sun', 'her sisters sway with joy', 'with her head bent', 'make her happy humming her name'…

The mood of the poem is in general sad and effective passing by some glimpses of satisfaction and hope, but not for long the poem regains its sad pessimistic mood through a tragic tone.

All of these strengthen the poem and creates a very impressive reaction to it; it is very well done *Thumbsup* but just needs more attention to the form and punctuation which can affect the poem so much.
24
24
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice story, I see that you can add 'mystery' as a description of this story.

Remarks *Idea*

'The overwhelming majority of amateur Civil War buffs are generally…', here you have to use 'is' instead of are 'The overwhelming majority of amateur Civil War buffs is generally' since 'is' here refers to majority (taken as one group), if you write 'are' then you have to say 'majorities'.

'Staring back at her through 143 years', since 'her' here refers to the picture of 'Frank Holmgren', I suggest replacing 'her' with 'it'.

The setting of the story is introduced from the beginning of the story in an easy way while the character was organizing her things in the new house.

As overall,

The main character is identified well by direct information from the author and through the character's own thoughts.
After identifying the second character after the nice expression in 'antique doorbell interrupted her thoughts with a melodic chime', the dialogue flows naturally between the two, and we know more about the characters from their conversation.

There was a reference to the plot of the story from the very beginning when Sherry found the 'sepia-toned photo' which she did not know from where it cane from.

The action rises with the strange dreams of the mystery man.
The resolution of the discovery that the man in her dreams was the same man in the picture, is in fact another complex plot revealing the mystery of the picture who keeps hanging itself on the wall.

The story ends symbolically, as it began, with the same object 'the sepia picture' but with a different view adding 'supernatural' element to the story extending the surprise of the character.

Very good work! *Thumbsup*
25
25
Review of Seagull  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very impressive story!

You have really took us elsewhere, but sticking at the same time with the now world.
Through this science/fiction story, I see that you have conveyed an effective message about the world's infections and destructive elements that are much dangerous; bombs, bird's diseases…
This can be a warning for man for misbehaving with nature and life.

There are a few remarks: *Idea*

'Over the period of the next four years if her life', it is 'of her life'

'He told here that when he was young', it is 'her' not 'here' that you have meant.

'that gave Terri goosebumps' I think that 'goose' and 'bumps' are separated not attached.

'She looked up and they was a shape', it is 'they were'

'it’s not! part of her' the p of 'part' has to be capital after exclamation.

'I didn’t him and I don’t believe you' I see that you've missed believe here after didn't 'I didn’t believe him…'

'until she saw something on the window sill.
A feather.'
I see that it is better here to replace the full stop by a semicolon, not leave each part on a lie 'until she saw something on the window sill; a feather.'

The beginning of the short story was great. The setting contains all the needed details for a sci/fic story. You have provided the needed details to make it appear real.

The characters are very well introduced for the reader, starting with the main character 'Terri', next to her grandfather, then to her friend 'Joel' and at last with the officers. All has been properly identified.

The description you gave was fascinating especially that of the seagull. Your choice of words was somehow poetic and your style was a very special. One feels a rhythm while reading some parts of this story although it is not poetry.

You have raised our curiosity throughout the story; in what age are they living in, and what happens to the airplanes and birds that the grandfather is speaking about!
The mystery is revealed at the near end of the story in a very effective way. I see that it is, above what I have said at first is criticizing the modern world and its destructive ways of behaving.

The way you've ended your story by 'a feather' on the window's sill is appealing.

It was a real enjoyment reading your story! *Thumbsup*
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