This has the feeling of some long-ago epic poem. Nice work. The ancient language, throwing in words like clough, and the tone and tempo were all awesome. It felt like a march toward some battle and it makes you want to know the deeper meaning of the story. Who were these people, am I in their world, will their destruction be mine? Fun stuff!
The only critique I have is a few spelling errors and the rhyme and meter were a stretch in some places, but it almost felt like that was on purpose, so no worries.
The weight of sin (or whatever someone might call their demons) is really palpable in this short poem. The lack of rhyme and lack of a pattern of cadence doesn't matter here. The real pain and the aching soul speak volumes. "You are my eternal window of sorrow," whispered in the ear as the response to the "barter for my release," is a real slap in the face--something that everyone who has been captive has felt. I'm glad you are getting freed from your captivity :) Nice work.
If you have a story to back this up, then good on ya, mate.
There's a brief intro to some characters, a hint of hidden value in the painting, and the mystery of who the thief really is. I think it's also got enough there to stand on it's own--as a mini short story or a teaser. It's also intelligent and ritzy, the kind of thing a lot of people could jump into. Sounds to me like you've got a head for great ideas. Maybe for you, just like me, finishing them is harder! Best of luck.
Ha ha! Oh snap :)
She's bad, but good at what she does. I liked this poem, it rhymed! Which is refreshing and also impressive considering the short lines. The character comes out and you feel for her, even though she's evil. You didn't go "beyond the mark" by having some whispy hidden meanings, you just went for the throat. Nice work
This work is beautiful in its treatment of the wounded soul. There is imbalance seeking for stability; lonliness clinging to love. Good luck with your journey. Remember, gender is an essential characteristic of your very own identity and purpose--both before you came to this Earth, while you're here, and in the eternities. I hope you find out what's right while you can. Good luck, and I can't thank you enough for sharing your feelings.
I think the reason we love nature is that it can reflect so well the thoughts and emotions inside of us. This concept is craftily brought to paper here. The trees are giddy with sound and movement, as is the author. The diction brings a peacefulness to the prose. Great little poem.
Who said literature had to be long? This end with "unfinished", but it's like a Matisse line-drawing. Who needs more; just stop there. It's beautiful in its simplicity and the emotion is all there. The title is what maybe needs work. Change "thoughts" to what kind of emotion "... in music". That would complete the picture.
This seems like a good beginning, but the last line comes out of nowhere and the story just ends. There needs to be a little more connection (figurative or otherwise) between the tree and Lynn. The story makes this girl seem young, but then we hear that she has a relationship with someone off to Vietnam. This is the only hint of pain we hear about her, and I think this reflection of pain in the tree is what she sees in herself. Develop the loss she feels a little more. Maybe have her paint so much because she is trying to get over it. Then, a little light touch would tie that all in at the end, something like, "This tree had seen life, death, love and war. She could see her own arms raised toward the sky asking why, her own roots seeking foothold, her own body scorched with pain. She let her brush and canvas fall to the ground. This living tree. She could never do it justice."
I don't quite understand the "burning" during the rain statement. Maybe that the memories are still alive, but why would it only burn during the rain? Maybe say, "And ALTHOUGH the wind blew... the tree STILL burned."
Nice reminiscence on an anniversary that can no longer be celebrated in the same way anymore. If this is fiction, it's very convincing fiction, but I believe this really is your story, so thank you for sharing.
I wrote down a few grammatical things that you can change if you feel like it. I sort of feel stupid listing them, but then I thought that if I had written something from the heart, that I would want the words to come through and not have a reader see a mistake instead of seeing the content. So take it or leave it. At any rate, great feel, great story, great depth of emotion. I hope your journey has continued in new and wonderful directions!
day time: should be daytime
but yet: pick one (or change to although still)
warmer day than: warmer day than
but when the women you see: but when the woman you see
going to be with "you" forever: going to be with you forever
long winded: long-winded
most sincerest: sincerest
continue hold her memory: continue to hold her memory
as I use to: as I used to
This is a story of being trapped and not knowing how to escape. I thought it was very funny, very clever! The wife is so oblivious to her husband's floundering (or so adept at ignoring him) that she just blows him off in the middle of a remarkable suicide attempt. The mix of nonchalant attitudes and completely serious themes is smart--it allows you to laugh when you should probably be crying. Well done indeed!
My only criticism is the line, "like the lady whose husband said she wanted to starve and dehydrate to death," because it feels like it's lacking one more pronoun to make it clear. Maybe change it to, "like the lady whose husband says she wants to starve HIM and dehydrate HIM to death." (Add both or the 2nd "him"). This line is so important to the story that it should be clear. Awesome job!
This reads like a song, (and I'd like to hear that song!)
I like the internal rhyming pattern on lines 2 and 5 in each stanza, which then end in the rhyme for the next line(s) in this pattern:
A
AB
B
C
CD
D
D
The lyrics are a little cryptic--we don't know what happened to this guy and if he is the cause of her leaving on the train or not. This is a nice tone. The narrator/writer/voice doesn't know how he lost this girl, so why should we?
There appears to be another person this girl is going to, at the same time that she is leaving the narrator/writer/voice. It seems like they didn't connect on some level or once they did, and now they have changed. There is a progression of time and a build-up of internal turmoil as the lyrics progress. Then at the end I think the meaning is that since she has already made up her mind to leave on this train, she may as well have left at three (before our song even starts). I think the last couple of lines take a little more thought to understand (especially considering the title and whole rest of the piece talk about 4 o'clock), so if it's a song it might get lost on the audience on first listen. I don't know if the last line needs a re-write or if it's just really beautiful.
There are a few lines where I don't know who is being referred to, and this could be intentional (who knows who caused this break-up?). Like, who has no time to be demanding and cold? who is trying to catch love that's been lost (him? her? both?)? It works without knowing, and I think it goes with this vibe of "What happened? Have I lost her? What did I miss? And she's gone..."
Overall a great poem, probably a great song, and it captures the "already gone" theme really well.
This is a wonderful little poem about the afterlife. There is a hope and determination in this piece that swells in a nice little crescendo. The lack of rhyming is fine, the lines read well as far as meter goes. The first two stanzas are all in the pattern of 3 lines of setup, and 4 lines of roll-out. The third stanza is (and should be) different. I feel like the last four lines should be two long lines:
"that I will inhale the glorified fragrances of the rose of unity,
and see unveiled the face of the Beloved."
Some words that don't go with the ethereal feel, that could be changed: nose, atom
The use of astounded and astonished--one of them could be changed
Grammar: "earth bound" should be "Earth-bound".
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