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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/commeatus
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5 Public Reviews Given
11 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of THE LEGACY  
Review by Commeatus
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
The way you write makes kittens happy.
This is excellent. The story is entertaining and interesting, despite being very short. the premise is good, the main character is interesting, and all I am left with is whining about nitpicky bits, like so:
The line "“This is how it happened”. He held up my manuscript, “exactly!..." is really strange. is "Exactly" a continuation of the quote? if it is, the line should probably read something like "“This is how it happened,” he held up my manuscript, “exactly!..." If it's a new sentence, the "E" should be capitalized.
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Review of Journeys  
Review by Commeatus
Rated: E | (4.0)
I can't stand the nearly random punctuation, and I have a personal disdain for free verse. That said, this is very, very good. It is interesting and poigniant, and at no point does it seem forced. I enjoyed the imagery in the last four lines especially. the "soldiers" imagery in the third line is an overused device, though, and seems less inspired compared to the rest of the poem.
I can't get a hold on how this piece is supposed to flow, but i chalk that up to the spasmodic period placement. it solidifies in line 9, but loses it in line 18 when it reads, "...To sit in. Slumber".
One final note, i would change "the roots of society cherish us" in line 16 to, "the roots of society cherishing", but this is a matter of my personal style and not a big thing.
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