I throughly enjoyed "The Swarovski Horse". You seductively hooked me, and then slowly weaved an emotional story through a perfect mix of naration and dialogue. Franks characterization was steady, insightful and complete--a fully dimensional character. Your technique of taking to the reader, in conjuction with using second person, made for an interesting read and advanced your plot at every turn. The descriptive langauge was both colorful and compelling: "Frank smiles at something playing behind his eyes, his own movie superimposed on the knicknacks of his person loss" and "... looking back only once to see Frank standing forlornly amoungts the remnants of his wife's life..."
My only suggestion would be to give the resolution a more time. It feels a bit rushed. Your are a strong writer with powerful skills.
I enjoyed the story. I would have known it was you without the name, amigo. Nice twist ending that you foreshadowed perfectly. Compelling description and alliteration: flagrant fatigue and maze of memories. I wouldn't want to be in a dark room with your imagination. LOL
You have an interesting protagonist in Father Benedict, as well as an equally interesting villan in Lord Blackstone. You provide just enought backstory about the missing girls to pull the reader in. Tha Book of Judgement follows through with good vs evil and the story is on its way.
I like the title and the dialogue was the hightlight of the chapter. Nice!
Even though you have plenty "hook" you still might consider a cliffhanger in the last sentence, instead of the priest going to sleep.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing have benefit in some way.
GREETINGS H M Godwin,
IMPRESSION: A wonderful coming-of-age story with a twist. Older children, young adults, and grownups of all ages will love this one.
CHARACTERS: Jonah's love of the kids at Tree House Orphanage makes him a sympathic protagonist. The complex personality of Bella provides the drama needed to bring out Jonah's full personality. Tiny, Nibbler, Yin and Yang, and Baby Boy are colorful side characters and balance the story.
PLOT/SETTING: The orphanage was a great setting for this retelling. Nice. You worked the plot points with Bella very effectively. The tale was straightforward with a satisfying resolution.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: Well written, good pacing. I didn't anything that hindered the read.
FINAL THOUGHTS: An interesting take on Peter Pan. Good luck in the contest.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS Bill,
IMPRESSION: An engaging tale that takes the reader into the warped world of one lost individual. Spot on title and good read.
CHARACTERS: Jack Coley's mental state provides a unique glimpse into an unusual condition: "little death" is great charactrization. The slow, progressive way Jack is reavealed workes to great effect. You made me feel his despair and the way his mind worked.
PLOT/SETTING: Your transition to the backstory is seemless and moves the story forward. I liked: "The thought... thrilled him like the first big drop on a rollercoaster". The subject matter is interesting, and I learned a new word, paraphilian.
The descriptive scene after Jack shot himself is excellent: pointed, emotionally engaging, provocative and thrilling. Nice writing!
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: The story is plannned and carried out with the clever use of anticipation and skillful word usage.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I immediately recognized your concice writing style, and love of the horrific. What stood out about this story was your attention to characterization.
I enjoyed this short piece. It was well-written and has an interesting intro. The natural diologue and a thought-provoking resolution were the highlights. I would have liked to know more about Maggie, and their relationship. This effort could be easily expanded to enhance the characterization. A flashback would have been extremely effective in this piece. You obviously have the writing skills.
I've never read this one. I'm glad I punched your number. It's a beautiful tribute and a moving piece. I enjoyed it very much. It was happy, sad, inspiring, and rang true. I was in a reflective mood and was looking to read something to read exactly like this. Thanks.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS Prof Moriarty,
IMPRESSION: An unusual love story that explores the psyche of two very different people from two very different worlds--an interesting and enjoyable reading experience.
CHARACTERS: The manager allows the reader to see into his soul--a reliable narrator of the highest order. Even though Neil is happy his good deed has a positive outcome for the child, he still worries about getting his money back. His inner dialogue serves to move the story forward, which results in effective characterization that rings true. Very insightful.
Abena's feelings and motives are revealed slower. This subtle unveiling provides the anticipation for the story.
Rosa works great as the side character.
PLOT/SETTING: The description of the village and countryside and fruit and vegetables set the scene very well. I also love all your descriptions of Abena.
The manager bending the rules to lend the money put your drama on its way. And Neil thinking the debt hadn't been paid is great plotting. Having the son be the one who pays it grand writing.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: The piece was devised and carried out with geart care. The writing was very impressive. My only small disappointred were the two cliches you used: Someone could have knocked me over with a feather, and, pregnant pause. I know the narrator was speaking, but it hit me wrong. Your too good of a writer. Come up with something else.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I really enjoyed the ride you took me on--emotionally, and also to another country. Good luck in the contest.
This was an excellent scene--very tight, with interesting characterization. This person was crazy for sure. That you acomplished effectively and in short order. The piece should be expanded, though. Maybe have someone interupt his self mutilation. I also wanted to know his name and hear him speak more.
I loved the concept and the title. With my liberal word count, you could have given us more information about this unique individual. Thanks for your participation. I look forward to reading your work in the future.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS A.T.B.,
IMPRESSION: An entertaining, thought-provking slice-of-life that will certainly delight the fictions writers amoung us.
CHARACTERS: I enjoyed both Professor Knotts and your freshman narrator, Carleton Brown. If only I was insightful as Carly at that age. The professor's tirades were delicious. Nice writng!
PLOT/SETTING: The writing on the blackboard set your story in motion, and the dialogue advanced the tale cleverly to it's resolution. I enjoyed the reference to the Twain, Cooper, and the Realists.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: The piece was well-written. You have strong and unique language skills. You're use of "eschew obfluscation" made me think.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: This is an excellent piece of work. I did feel the pacing was a bit rushed,fast, during the private conversation. I yearned for a breath. The jousting back and forth between the two could have used an interlude of some sort. You filled us in on the professor, maybe a little something about Carly might help--inner dialogue perhaps, at the right moment.
Interesting entry. Very enjoyable. Good luck in the contest.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS Obverver,
IMPRESSION: One man's look back at an unusual childhood event that may complicate his ambivalent religious faith.
CHARACTERS: The mysterious babysitter makes for an illusive subject. Her odd behavior is interesting. She could be flushed out through dialogue or more interaction with the children. Characterization of narrators is alway difficult, nevertheless, you did a decent job.
PLOT/SETTING: From the church, to the mysterious babysitter, to the medallion, to the resolution make for effective plotting.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: I like the hook and the smooth transition to the flashback. I had occasional difficulty with the flow of your sentences. The pacing was off a bit.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: An unique tale that would benefit from expansion. I enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest.
Congratulations on winning the official contest, and, more importantly, writing this amazing piece. Although I'm no stranger to your extraordinary writing prowess, this offering is nothing less than incredible--in your own words: "...laid bare the sheer fabric of my being..."
Your assessment of H.P. Blavatsky's life would be the way I'd sum up this glorious piece: "Yet she had somehow managed a monumental synthesis of science, religion, and philosophy--all marching to the beat of a simple drum."
"Color Me Human" was a clever title for a very rewarding story, which is perfect for young adults. Referenceing the historial context strenghtened the piece--important themes. I enjoyed Trudy, of course, and the trio of girls and their little click. Trudy's dialogue was interesting and adavnced the plot. You had some good lines, too: like "blowfish with a sunburn" and "going to hell quicker than you can swat a misquito.' Nice writing! I thought the resolution was fitting between Trudy and Akillah.
I look forward to reading your work in the future.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing have benefit in some way.
GREETINGS H.M. Godwin,
IMPRESSION: A good young-adult, coming-of-age story dealing with sexual identity.
CHARACTERS: I could see James and undestand him. Saying the kiss was a prank was great characterization. It told me so much about him.
You had more time to spend with Noble (love the name) and the reader gets to see the drama completely play out in his life.
The Headmaster and his daughter worked well and served your purpose.
PLOT/SETTING: The all boys prep school was a perfect setting for this story. Having James get kicked off the soccer team was a clever plot point. James taking his life was sad but showed the hostile reality gay kids find themselves.
You could have used some more description to set-up the scenes.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: I liked your use of the "headings". It broke up the piece pretty well, although, I felt you could have used more narrative. I liked the letter and the dream. Maybe you could have also utilized a flashback to break up ther large blocks of dialogue. I thought the dialogue sounded authenic, and advanced the plot effectively, but there was a lot of it.
The piece needs tighening up some. You had typos and formating issues(like separating the dialogue from the narritve), but nothing a good second draft couldn't cure.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: Tighten up the dream scene in the bathroom--it was a tad bit confusing. I think with a little more work it could have more impact. That said, I enjoyed your story and thought it was current with an important theme.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS Wilma,
IMPRESSION: An interesting tale of a man's journey of recovery after his wife is killed in an automobile accident.
CHARACTERS: The detailed description of Don Collinson's extreme behavior, along with his inner dialogue, combined for good characterization. His remorse over taking the vaccine made him believable.
Alice's mother was a welcome addition at the graveyard scene.
PLOT/SETTING: Your protagonist selling his services to a pharmaceutical company was creative plot preparation for the hook of the vaccine. Clever! I liked how you kept returning to the graveside.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: Your opening did it's job and flashback transition went well. Your storyline was clear. The pacing was spot on and I thought the strongest element of you writng, along with the fine description.
You had a couple typos and sentences that needed reworked, but nothing major. example: furthering your lifestyle--could have been--getting on with your life.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: The story was very intersting and original. It would benefit from cutting out some of the unnecessary fat--repetitive phases and adjectives. Streamlining it would make your excellent pacing even better.
Interesting poll (you must have some particuar reason for asking). I've sided with the majority so far. Of course, the poll is only getting started. I've seen every rule in the book broken by great authors, at one time or another. The most important thing is to be consistent. The day I learn all the rules is the day I'm going to start breaking them. Until then I'll just break them in ignorance, amigo.
The title,caption and the quote by Carl Sagan laid the foundation for this excellent story. When I read the first line, I figured I was going to enjoy the journey. And you didn't disappoint me, amigo. You immediately pulled me into your futuristic world and I couldn't wait to see what was going to happen to the protagonist. His voice rang true and he was believable. Him wishing his father would have sent his good for nothing brother began the process of making him a reliable narrator. His level of language worked for me because of his famly's status. When he said the savages had no sense of fighting fair--that was great characterization.
I liked when he began thinking about his family instead of himself. Then revealing the secret of the book really put it over. Great plot point. They were great themes and the piece left the reader something to think about. Always the mark of a good story.
As always with your work, the piece was interesting and smartly written. I've always loved your style.
My only suggestion for improvement might be to show us a scene where he saved the day by using the infomation in the book (this is a great piece and could be expanded).
I'm a hunt and peck sort of guy. But I don't see what that would have to do with it. You may just be a typing fool, amigo. Probably geting more done than most. I know you were looking for some answers, but I don't know any. Sorry. I just love taking polls. I hope thing are going well with you.
As I may have told you in the past, technology is my Achilles Heal. But I've learned to do what I need to get by, mostly.
I have received e-mails claiming I've won prizes. I've also received those inquiring if the address was valid, but I never respond to these sort of things. I'm presently using Kasperky Anti-Virus. I've not had any problems with it. It automatically handles everything for you, too, which is nice.
I've never tried an invalid name at the beginning of my address book and i never reply to any junk mail, period. I've never had any problems--knock on wood. OK, I'm a little superstitious. I don't know anything about Snoops.com, either.
Well, I nid the best i could. Hope it helped some.
I hope your summer is getting off to a great start and you don't have any trouble with the bad guys over the net.
Congratulations on your Dear Me piece. Nice job! I enjoyed it very much. Determining your priorities was spot-on, and more importantly, developing your voice brought it home. For me this the essencial element for a writer to accomplish in order to succend. I wish you all the luck, because it appears your effort is all there.
I really enjoyed your look back at childhood. The piece was striaghtforward, clear and rang true. Honest. And I know what you mean about setting at a warm fire and looking out, too. Isn't it funny how it's the simple times we remember and that have a lasting effect on us.
My father was a traveling pipefiter, so we moved around much like your family. I like to think that helped make us writers. My favorite line was: "I just loved the warm feelings I had, inside and out. . ." Nice writing!
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS J.P. McNeill,
IMPRESSION: A period piece about a soldier that has a unique experience.
CHARACTERS: Corporal O'Reilly was a sympathic protagonist. The first-person voice worked very well. The ride with the kids was effective charcterization, especially the inner dialogue.
Abraham Lincoln's cameo was nice.
PLOT/SETTING: Your plotline was straightforward. The intro was solid and made clear the mission. The use of "brogans" and the "Enfield rifle" efficiently and quickly established the time period and setting. The historical references gave the story an authentic feel.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: The quick flaskback in the beginning transtitioned well and set up the story.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: You said a lot in a short span. This interesting piece would benefit from an expansion.
I enjoyed the piece and look forward to seeing your work in the future. Good luck in the contest.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS Daesu Evergreen,
IMPRESSION: A futuristic tale that I can envision in the future. Clever title.
CHARACTERS: You developed your narrator/protagonist very well by showing his weakness, as well as his loving spirit.
PLOT/SETTING: The download idea was very creative. You did a nice job coming up with the terminology of a futuristic world. You have the sci-fi bug for sure.
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: You might concider another edit for pacing (the piece needed to breathe a little, not go from one thing to the next so quickly).
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: An interesting piece that gives the reader something to ponder. Good luck in the contest.
This is a wonderful little piece. And I really liked the side character, Elise. The ending went perfect with the big fella's personality--that speech he gave on the phone was great characterization.
I want to congratulate you on another great year! Your writing always makes me smile. You're a great storyteller and a great aset here at WDC, amigo. May the sun shine on your writing this year.
I will be reviewing your entry in The Classic Story Contest. My opinions matter in the judging of this contest, but, beyond that, only you can decide whether they are useful or not. As in any review, feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions you don't find helpful. I appreciate your participation and hope you and your writing benefit in some way.
GREETINGS NC Tentmaker,
IMPRESSION: An emotional story with multiple and far-reaching themes.
CHARACTERS: This loving couple, Carl and Beth, were well-rounded and realistic characters. You showed their strengths and weaknessess and did an fine job developing them fully. I especially liked Beth's struggles to find herself and support her husband. Her hesitation with the pharmacist's suggestions and her reluctance to tell her parents and Carl about joining the army was insightful characterization.
Carl's struggle dealing with the inital news was interesting.
PLOT/SETTING: The opening did a great job of capturing the reader's attention. Sending Beth to Afghanenstan raised the stakes and set your tale into motion. Your description of the action where Beth got shot was really good writing, and the army lingo and information came across authentic.
Eunice Thorpe was the pivatal plot point that brought the whole story together. Nicely done!
STRUCTURAL/TECHNICAL/GRAMMATICAL: I thought your divisions (The Valley, etc.} worked very well and helped with the pacing (see my final thoughts). I didn't see any major strucural problems. There were a few typos, common placement choses, and capitalization issues(like Ford Tempo}, but a finely-tuned edit will take care of all that.
FINAL THOUGHTS AND SUGGESTIONS: At times the story drug a bit. The divisions helped. You might consider a little more showing and less telling. Maybe some inner dialogue to put the words in the character's mouth instead of the narrator's. That suggestion said, this was an endearing story and I enjoyed it very much.
Good luck in the contest.
BEST REGARDS, COOLHAND
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