Title: Megan's Man
Chapter: All
Round:1
I decided since I've read all you have posted so far to skip the chapter by chapter and do an overall review. You do have some bigger issues to deal with than the line by line critique can tell. No, don't cringe. These are just my opinions but some things you might want to consider when you go to rewrite.
Setting:
For the most part, you have come a long way since A Perfect Fit. The things you learned in writing that one show here. A few more touches wouldn't hurt, in my opinion, but then I love setting and scenery. The park when her father collapses: you have wind but it never touches him, we need the smell of roasting hotdogs, beer and cut grass. Little things like that through out.
Plot:
Megan's in love with Corey who either thinks of her as too young or won't make a move because her father warned him off. You kind of waffle between the reasons. Her father's drinking is an issue. You show us Corey drinking and some the stupid things he does but you never show her father drinking to draw a clear correlation between the two men. There's some confusion when her brother comes home and with a hand named Joe. You don't make Joe's place in her life clear enough, soon enough. Corey's impressions of Joe are just as important as Megan's in this case if you're going to use him to create jealousy or use him as a wedge.
Characters:
Megan:I like her but she needs to change more before the end. Once she gets the job, she needs to grow more spine, gain that polish of maturity. Just little. It will make her a better match for Corey in the long run. As it stands, she's the dreamy push-over for him and he's going to go right down the same road as her father if she doesn't learn to stand up to him. She has to meet and match him if that makes any sense.
Corey: Loved him in the first one but in this one, he seems more like a Nolan clone. He doesn't have that laughter that made him so lovable in the first one. That, in fact is one of my big quibbles. You need to go back and add those touches that make him uniquely him and the laughter and mischief were the two chief characteristics I remember. We don't see any of that until the very last chapter where he's playing with the kids.
Dirk: Alcoholic father. You state this in Chapter One. All of her time was spent working, or caring for her alcoholic father. However, we never see him drunk or even drinking. It would be much more effective to have him drinking and being a stupid drunk here at the picnic before his heart attack. Show, don't tell at it's finest. If we see Megan having to deal with him or see what she has to deal with, our sympathy for her goes up. Right now, we only have your word that he's an alcoholic. See my point?
Sue:The town tramp. Why does it have to be Sue? Can't it be her friend from out of town?
General:
I'm only going to nit pick the first few chapters. Most of what I'll point up here are things that show up again and again through the story. Just keep an eye open for them.
Chapter One:
Seeing the love, the couple shared convinced him that a marriage should be built on love, first and foremost.
You don't need the comma between "love" and "the couple".
still working on their fried chicken lunches provided by the local K of C,
Just a side note but I've read this line on three different occasions and everytime Kentucky Fried Chicken is what sprang to mind. It only just occured to me that you mean Knights of Columbus. You might want to write out the name for those a little less on the ball like me. 
Corey came to his senses and broke the kiss, moaning loudly.
No moaning. Made a harsh sound, maybe, but no moans.
She pushed at his chest, the contact between them broken, while her chest rose and fell in rapid succession
No "rapid succession". Rose and fell with each ragged breath.
He shifted his weight from his left foot to his right and opened his mouth to speak again.
shifted his weight is enough to picture the action.
Megan pushed out of his safe embrace. “Please, Joe, I can’t do this right now.
Now, here's a good spot to mention that this is an old argument because Joe wants more than she's willing to give and is jealous of Corey. Set up the situation early to avoid confusion.
Chapter Two:
He wanted to show her what he was all about, that he could love her.
Ok, now yesterday, he was telling himself she was too young, that he needed to find someone more mature. Unless you add that he wished she were a bit older, him changing his mind this fast isn't going to float.
When Joe confronts Corey, there needs to be more. Men doing the chest pounding thing aren't so nice even if the chest pounding is going on in the love interests livingroom. Just a thought...
Chapter Three:
In an instant she was choked up and tears ran out of her eyes.
Um, just say that tears welled up. The scene is dramatic enough on its own.
Personal Opinion:
On the up-side, you have a solid plot with solid characters and your writing gets better all the time. On the down-side, you need work on your settings and you tend to get dramatic or overly wordy when the scene gets intense. These are things that are you do all the time. I lapse into passive or go overboard with my scene setting. I have ongoing issues with commas. We all have habits as writers. The problem with these habits is that, instead of being your "style", they become your weakness. Corey is not Nolan. Where Nolan might get moody and withdraw, Corey will crack a joke and try to find his way around the obsticle. The last thing you want is for the two books to sound that much alike. You can have the same town, the same characters but each book has to read fresh and new.
Fresh: That's the reason I question using Sue as the "mistake". She was so into Nolan and so trampy, you don't want to simply settle for the same woman doing the same thing to just a different brother. You can still use her, have her ask after Nolan and let Corey's sense of humor have him tell her "Ask Anna and that cat-got-the-cream smile she wears these days and I'll visit you at the hospital later." Something like that, anyway. To me, Sue simply feels like the easy way out here.
Alcohol: I said this before and I'll say it again. You have her father's alcoholism as an intrinsic part of the plot yet we never see any sign of it. We need to. Given how fast things move, the picnic in chapter one is the only place to work it in outside of her flashing back to something and that gets old fast. You fiddle with setting up a family history of alcoholism on Corey's side but nothing comes of that either. We need a moment when he orders a drink, stares at it and makes the decision that Megan is more important. We need this.
That said, I am enjoying these books. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to read the whole thing in one sitting. It definitely would have felt more like work than it did. I like these books and these characters. You've come a long way from the first bit of APF that I read and I can see so much potential here. It just needs polishing. Take a step back from the individual sentences, paragraphs and chapters. Look at the big picture. Work on the rougher, weaker spots and you'll have a real winner here.
BTW, I loved the scene with Corey and the kids. It was the first time we got to see him be the Corey we liked so much in APF. I was rather disappointed there was nothing more after that. I'm looking forward to reading more... |
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
And the implication that he was the power, not the book. Loved it.
That's a huge mark in its favor...
