Damn, Fluke. Honestly, I got stiff reading this. Everything plays out nice and in an orderly fashion from beginning to end. Your descriptive wording is most colorful, reminding me of a high school party I attended some years back. Again, your writing skills shine, but there are plenty of flaws in this story that need to be edited out for the sake of smoothness. Hence, the 4.0.
On the end (or so) of page six, where it says: “He kissed her tenderly on her lips while settling his self on top of her. . . ,” you switch from using a first-person tense to a third-person tense. In other words, you stopped telling the story and began to describe what you see. "Telling," not "showing." The tense continues to flip-flop from here-on to the end of the story. But, in the above line, from page six, it should read like this: “He kissed me tenderly on the lips while settling his self on top of me. . . .”
See how the scene sustains the intimacy you first established with your reader by keeping the narrative in a first-person tense? Keeping that same tense throughout a story is important for your reader’s comprehension as the words flow from sentence to sentence and paragraph to paragraph.
I found one other problem, and that was with some of your phrases. One for instance is: “ . . . I stood eye in eye . . .”
I know what you mean here, but I’ve never heard (or read) this phrase worded like that. I’m used to hearing (reading): “ . . . eye to eye . . . .” So, I’m wondering if it’s just a turn of phrase due to the linguists of your location. (Where I’m from, most every word has an “s” on the end of it. Everybody talks in “plural,” like a stereo-typical Queen of England: “We are not amused.” :P)
That fact that you cover the topic of pedophilia is an interesting case, and keeps this story firmly rooted in reality. (Lord knows I thought the same things around the same ages portrayed here. Strange) In my opinion, 14-17 isn’t a step into the territory of adult/child sexual relations. Now, if the lead female character was over 30 or 40 years old, then I’d say that’s pedophilia territory. (Then again, that could also be a young man’s wet dream. . . .) This story is more like adolescent shotaroo, and is perfectly acceptable concerning the age limits in question. Even for a western manga. (And since your only 17, you’re writing about a topic you know about. No fuss, no muss.)
This story has an Inuyasha-like quality to it, in that either a guy or a girl can enjoy it, but it’s most likely a girl will care to read it. (I did, since you asked me to. And, as you can tell, I enjoyed it. It’s fresh.) Your girly-girl way of writing is just so feminine, and rather fun to read. Like any good manga is. I can almost see this as a series. This particular story would be the last one in the series, so you could work out the "complex" part of it in other short stories, if you wish. Plus, for your consideration, your at the age where the future is really starting to loom, and your probably considering your career choices. My I suggest something by saying that writing is always in demand. I'm in college for Animation right now, and I'mtelling you, it's all about the story. You can already write good, but do you consider it something worth following? Or, if anything, at least it's be something to fall back on?
-Curtis
P.S. Do you mind if I ask you where your from? You sound American, but I could be wrong. And what's with your screen name: "Fluke?" I'm just wondering. . . . It's a bit of spiritual-thing for me. I'll explain, after you. |
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