You have a good imagination and it's cool that you're interested in writing stories. I think you should try reading over what you've written more closely and see where you should be putting punctuation. What can also be very helpful when learning to write better is reading stories written by others. Maybe that will also give you more ideas on what to write about next.
Thanks for sharing your story. While not a happy story it is uplifting in a way that you've been able to come through it with grace and a more loving outlook on life.
Wow! Excellent poem, very clever & meaningful too. Your final verse is particularly poignant and resonates with me on a personal level as someone who struggles with their mental health.
Love how you've named it 'Medical Model'. Very clever, very well-written.
Once upon a time there was a young boy. Everyday, he played a role-playing game he loved on his new computer. One day, his computer malfunctioned and the young boy lost all of his progress. Because of that, he cried and cried, feeling that his time role-playing had been wasted. Until finally, the young boy's friend reminded him that time enjoyed is not time wasted.
I really liked this story so I decided to do a review :).
Firstly, your sentence structure was a little odd at times. Maybe look over it some more once you have finished writing and edit some parts. For example -
Pale skin, deep bags under my eyes, and jet black hair, this is what I Jake Holan at the age of 12 looked like.
This is a little strange to read. I think something more understandable would be -
Pale skin, deep bags under my eyes, and jet black hair. This is what I look like. My name is Jake Holan and I'm 12 years-old.
Consider what kind of person your character is. Are they rude, mean, nice, etc. His sister Elenna and mother sound very similar. Both are similarly rude to Jake in the early stages of the chapter -
"Stop shouting you loud mouth"
"Because it's bloody disgusting"
"Jake, come down and eat already lazy idiot"
I definitely get the sense that Jake is very lonely, insecure, and depressed.
Just a small gripe I have is the use of clichés, which is normally considered bad practice. I noticed you used one here - 'Needing a way to escape, I ran, ran forward as if there was no tomorrow tears still streaming out.'
It is also good practice to start a new line every time a different character speaks. This stops the reader from becoming confused and losing track of who is saying what. Also, this way you don't have to constantly let the reader know who is speaking by putting 'I smiled', 'Ryan spoke', 'I acknowledged', etc. after every line of speech.
"My name's Ryan. I got these scars in a war if yer wondering." He said, still smiling.
"My names Jake." I replied.
Sometimes you should let the reader think for themselves -
'He uses to have a wife and son but they left him, fearing his new appearance. I reminded him of his own son in a way, which is why he decided to talk to me.'
Also, as a final note, I was curious how you intend to write more chapters? To me it looks like the story is almost finished, with Ryan the monster dead. If you did want the end scene to be more shocking I would suggest that maybe you drag it out a little more. Maybe have a chapter where Ryan and Jake do discuss his life instead of just saying that they spoke. That's just an idea, but it is your story and I enjoyed it. Keep it up.
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