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Review of Old Hook Road  
Review by Dalziel
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I liked this story and the theme of the urban legend.

Good strong opening paragraph. Don't think you need the commas but I guess that is a style thing.

I felt the sentence about the semi was a bit awkward. Could trim down some words like 'because', 'but it was as if'. Could even make this two sentences for impact, ending one at 'anymore'. Nice touch with the cemetery as her new home. Shows the narrator's voice well. I like this person.

Perhaps some trimming of unnecessary words to smooth the flow. " ..pulled up by a policeman who was standing by some flares and asked him to... " just seems a little wordy. Do you really need words like "was" in there? That sort of thing. I'm not sure about there but here doing a donut in the car is a particular trick and not simply doing a three-sixty skid. That may be a cultural difference though.
I think I'd like to see a bit more of the narrator's voice in this area. I had a clear feeling for them in the other paragraph but they've gone into a newspaper reporting style and I miss them. Give them back some feeling, some style. Some soul.

Then when we re-meet the 'self-proclaimed ghost hunter' we again get more of an inkling into the person. I like the final line about regret. Nice end to that part of the story. Strong, makes me want to read on and implies so much will happen.
"By saying that, I almost scared him out of going, but after a few reassuring words, he put on his varsity letterman’s jacket, gave mom a kiss and an “I love you,” and were out the door." This sentence feels clumsy and doesn't work for me. The "were" seems wrong. Perhaps this sentence could be cut into several smaller sentences to add some variation in sentence rhythm for interest.

There is some repetition of words and some could be replaced by better choices. 'Road', for instance. "The moon occasionally made it's way..." doesn't feel right for me. "...girlfriend gave a little gasp" – "she gasped"? There is some more tone from the narrator but I'm losing their voice in my head a little. If we have a narrator, then let me feel what they feel. Their doubts, their concerns, their laughs, their confidence or lack of it. Through them I want to know what they feel about the place, the girlfriend and brother, what they expect to see and why. Why go there? What are they hoping to prove? Or are they just showing off to their girl?

No need to use "seemed to" when you could find a better way that is definite. Started to speed up – sped up. Be firm and tell us what is happening in firm language. The narrator is sweating – what is he feeling and thinking? Is he worried for his brother? Cursing the stupid kids in the other car? Screaming or yelling? Trying to look brave for his passengers? When he realises it is the Caddy what does he –as a sceptic – think? His brother and girlfriend are frightened but explain how. Crying, screaming, trembling, holding on to the narrator – just saying frightened is not enough for me. This may be when the narrator mentions the car is stuck in the mud, before the brother gets out into the fog.

With the action scenes, changing the sentences to short, sharp ones makes the action more active, for want of a better word. Usually long and short mixed make for interesting reading but action is usually shorter.
Does the narrator wonder why there is a girl in the road – she looks too real to be a ghost, surely. Does he want to go save her but the brother is quicker? How much does the narrator see? What do they feel?

The narrator's reaction to realising his brother is dead is a bit numb, but I like the way he tries to soothe his mother by telling her about his brother being a hero. Perhaps he is proud. Does the mother think the narrator is lying for some reason, to make her feel better or to cover up his own involvement in recklessly causing the brother's death? The mother screams that there was no girl – what does the girlfriend think? The narrator is lying also? The narrator is deluded? She doesn't know because she is still confused about what she did see? Do the narrator and his girlfriend ever talk about it? Do they deliberately avoid it?

Nice final two paragraphs to tie it all up at the end, with the narrator cracking at the end and showing some real bald emotion. Which makes the final line all the more chilling.

All in all I like this story a lot. I would like to feel/see/understand the narrator more - use the first person style to your advantage to make me really get in their head and care for the narrator. Using a variation of short and long sentences, with more short in action scenes can give more flow and retain interest and add speed to the action. Thinking about the best word choice might also be useful. The main thing is your stories are plotted well, have a real tale to them (not just rambling) and hold the readers interest.
The nit-picking things I've come up with are just polish you may want to try out, but you certainly have skill and ability with writing. The editing and polish are just a matter of practice and feedback, and thinking like a reader when you look at your work and not like a writer. Ask what has been left unsaid in your story and is it better or worse off for it?
I look forward to more stories in the future.
Good stuff.
Cheers,
Dalziel.
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Review by Dalziel
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I enjoyed this story a great deal, so don't think otherwise by the review. I'm being picky to offer help, and it sure doesn't mean I'm right.

I'm unsure what the first paragraph is for. Is it part of the story? Is it an introduction that would go with the story? Either way it is not needed. If you don't know what a Banshee is, the story will tell it.

Although this happened in the past I'm not sure this needs to be mentoned. Might work better if it isn't so it could be happening even now. It could simply begin at "In a small town..." I'm not sure of 'about 60 sheep'. It isn't necessary to the tale so just 'sheep and other livestock' would work as well. Would he help out his hired hands, or work alongside them? 'Somewhat tight '– perhaps just tight. I feel a little more reworking of the paragraph regarding Elsa from the hired hands point of view may be good. 'Whenever Charlie would go to run an errand' perhaps trim to 'When Charlie was away', as it feels a little wordy. 'Got up to fill his pipe and get ready', perhaps just 'he filled his pipe in readiness for...' I'm not sure if it is a style thing but I am a trimmer when I edit, so don't take it personally.

Would she mention the precious gold or is she still keeping up some pretence of being a loving wife, despite his suspicions of the opposite? Does Charlie think about how she used to be as they are speaking? How she was before he saw through her? Does he realise the hired help think she is a gold digger? In a couple of paragraphs you've effectively set the scene and placed the characters.

Is there another way of mentioning the money he has? This feels a bit forced saying there is a locked trunk in the bedroom etc. Perhaps break up the description so he starts with fingering the key in his shirt pocket. She protests but her eyes follow his hand, and he knows all she wants is the gold in his strongbox. And later on when she gets the key then more of the chest is revealed. No need to say it all at once.After all, she knows it, he knows it, the audience don't need to know it all right away. Her reply about the key being close to his heart is very nice, especially with her voice cold.

"Her husband shook his head, but he held his tongue and walked out the door". Maybe just "he left the house without another word. He had nothing more to say." Something like that? Surely they've had this conversation before and he is tiring of it. Show how he feels. He's aware her love was probably a lie – he must feel dismayed or embarrassed he was fooled? Should I feel sorry for him?

Nice description of the land and mention of it like a fortress. A place for him to hide away and protect himself from her and his feelings? When he hears the noise at first does he think it's someone in trouble? What does it sound like? High pitched, echoing, in pain, calling, compelling?
I'm not sure of 'he asked himself'. Maybe just 'he thought. 'Began walking.... seemed to be coming...' perhaps just 'he walked' and 'it came' from. Stronger verbs.
Maybe rearranging the sentence so that the realisation comes last would be more powerful. "The pipe he had been puffing fell from his lips, his already pale skin turning bone white as Charlie suddenly realised what the sound was. A Banshee!" The pain he feels is good and well described and his attempts to muffle the sound, as well as his nervous acceptance of his fate. When he turns and sees nothing, does he think he's been spared or that he was mistaken? Then he sees the beautiful being and stares –does he go towards her? Does he think it is something else? Does she remind him of his wife?

I like her description and her transformation. Would he 'start to walk backwards' or would he scramble and stumble, run or sprint or dash or flee? How does his old body cope? Heart pounding, hard to breathe? Does he fall and graze himself? Does he fear his run will kill him if she doesn't? When he realises she is gone and he is safe at the cottage, does he feel relieved like he cheated death, even if only temporarily? Worried she may return? Concerned he imagined it? It is nice that he wants his wife's comfort and protection, even though he previously believed she did not care.
Perhaps her voice should not be described as evil – it shows her intention more than if she were compassionate but cool, which leaves room for the reader to doubt. Maybe he misread her and she isn't all bad. Until she kills him, of course. Nice that as he is on the floor dying she barely gives him a second thought as she goes straight for the key to the gold.

As she heads to the chest does she think about how long she put up with him? Did she ever care? Did he stop buying her things lately? Is she planning to sell the farm and go off to the city? Find a man? How greedy is she?
Is it still light outside? Is it moonlight coming into the bedroom? Perhaps use 'But' sparingly for the start of a sentence. Often it is unnecessary. She sees the Banshee staring in from outside – a scary image this. Not sure 'appearing' is needed. It's a Banshee so they can probably stare with blind white eyes. It's a very nice description. The final paragraph with the Banshee and Elsa is lovely, ending with her breath drawn in sharply. It doesn't tell all but it implies.

With the wrap-up I feel it is better if it is quick and gets to the point. I think perhaps trimming this to make it speedy would work in order to get to finding Elsa, which is the punch line. "When the farmhands entered the house next morning for breakfast they found..." The last paragraph is very nice and evocative, leaving the reader doubting if there was ever a Banshee or just a greedy woman...

By the story end I felt sorry for Charlie, I disliked the conniving Elsa, and I felt the Banshee was after her all along. Hopefully this was what was wanted. I would like to see some trimming down and refining of some of the sentences – look for some simple structures and say what you really mean without hedging your bets with 'seeming to be'. Your writing shows you have the language and strength of ability, but this story feels like a draft that just needs a little editing to give it more. You've already given it a lot, but you can always put in more oomph. What do the characters feel, how, why... something as simple as the right word at the end of an attribution can tell so much. 'He said', as opposed to 'He snarled, He sobbed, He shrieked'. I liked this a lot.

Want to see more.

Cheers,
Dalziel.
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Review of TOGETHER  
Review by Dalziel
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
An interesting and quite insightful story from a point of view I hadn't considered. About halfway I guess I figured they were siamese twins but it didn't diminish the ending. I liked the dubiousness of their relationship at the start, leaving you wondering if it was a gay or incest relationship and then going firmly into very solid brotherly love, especially in the face of an uncaring mother. Not too long or short, and I like the format of the one twin talking to the other. It works for me.
Cheers,
Dalziel.
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