This is a really grabbing first few lines, it opened up my curioisity. To make it flow better where you say 'the forgotten parts of you, and the..' I would omit the and so it reads 'I am the forgotten parts of you, the darkened cracks of sanity's demise. '
Hey Athena,
This was a really interesting story and the first section was a real thrill to read. I was very curious what the creatures were and how they would steal life, and the woman you depicted was interesting but undeveloped. This leads me to the second section which I found seemed to trail off, and didn't fit in with the quality of the rest of the story in terms of..plot I suppose. Descriptively and grammatically it was good. My stories have been criticised for leaving gaps and leaving too much to the imagination, so I am being devils advocate and saying I want more detail. But this is only because it intruiged me, if I didn't like it I wouldn't really care what detail was missing, so take it as a compliment.
All in all this was a good read and at no point did I think 'Has this almost finished?' in fact, I wanted more. Much more!
Hope this helps :)
Dan
Hey,
I really enjoyed reading this, the introduction with the two 'gods' was interesting and the whole prologue was concise. My only suggestions are perhaps reconsider the structure, I found it difficult to read, and also where you start speech you sometimes have a space between the " and the start of the sentence.
Good luck with the rest, I will keep my eyes open for it.
Keep writing,
Dan
This was a interesting story that shows at both our most desperate and also our most happy. Considering it's length the emotional attachment is well achieved, I imagine this is a result of the introduction that focus on the earlier stages of her life.
It isn't hard to imagine ourselves or loved ones in the same situation thanks to the fraility of our mortality, and this lends the story it's credability from my point of view. The trick to stories as short as this from my humble reader's perspective is that you care about the characters quickly, and you have achieved this well here. I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions!
Will take a look at some more of your things soon, I enjoyed reading the two I have thus far *delighted*
Dan
Hey Vickie, sorry it took me quite a while to get round to reading this. I've gotta say, the start did not hint at how satisfying the ending would be. I loved the surprise and felt pretty bad for her! It was a nice set up, but if I were you, and this is just my humble opinion, I wouldn't have the 'maker' vampire crying about a guy at the start, I'd have her furious about the curse, and perhaps on a family member? I think this would help the story escape the mentality that it's a romantic twilight like vamp story at the start. I'm very sorry for offending you if that is your desired effect :)
That said, this isn't what would usually interest me and it did, the second half was miles better than the first and really made it for me!
I don't mean anything I've said badly, just my constructive criticism.
Hope your good :)
Dan
Thanks for these tips, flash fiction is an elusive prospect for me and I don't know if I intend to explore it but this has certainly helped. Nice one,
Dan
Hello! I saw this on the review request page, the title and description intrigued me. It was really good, for me it highligted that true perfection needs to be imperfect. When reading about his world records I only felt pity for Mark, and was upset that he decided to end his life at the end. I wonder if you'll take a look at my story 'The Imagination for Reality'. It has quite a lot of similarities to yours!
A thought provoking piece, good job
Dan
A good chapter, follows well from the first. There are some paragraphs I would trim down if I were you. Two incidents arose that got my attention, firstly I noticed at some point early on with Hugh you use the word 'door' lots in about three lines, it feels slugging to read. The same thing happens with the same word later on. Press control and F together and search door and you should see what I mean :) Also at the end: Each step he took must be excruciatingly painful. She thought to herself. There should be a comma and lower case s here, not a full stop.
Like I said, a good chapter, and I am still intruiged in the story.
'The noise was just to the left of her and her hands began to sweat in anticipation of the animal’s appearance. She tried to hold her gun in a looser grip so that she wouldn't fire prematurely and lose her chance of a surprise attack. She took careful steps, acutely aware of every plant and twig that may give her location away.'-your description is so good at times, this is a prime example. I had no trouble imagining this.
'Menes was more successful than he had ever dreamed when one day he managed to conquer Lower Egypt'-this needs a comma somewhere to make it more fluid for the reader :)
The first exchange between your characters is excellent, they felt very real.
Small thing for me, when the magnificent beast was being brought down you described it as 'pitiful', you might mean this in comparison to the tranquilisers, but I found it out of place with the rest of its description. That's just my personal preferance though.
'"Can't be the only two without hangovers.'you need to finish the speech marks here.
Those suggestions and comments made I have to say this was damn good. I was not as engaged by the prologue as I was chapter 1, your character building and descriptive techniques are exceptionally good. I want to read the rest, so give me buzz when you put it up. With work, and provided the plot is a good one, this is likely a book I would pay to read if it follows well from this.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise unless they have decent suggestions, this is a good piece and you should pursue it further.
Hope your well,
Dan
This was tragic but to lighthearted to get upset, more funny than anything! I enjoyed reading it. My only suggestion for this is a crime I commit myself, but allow me to be a hypocrite. As an example when you say 'that guy, Larry' as a reader I find the 'that guy' part breaks up the flow. We know Larry is a guys name, but if you are trying to make her look nin-chalalant then this does the job and I withdraw my point.
Lightheared and funny is my overall impression, will take a look at some more of your things soon.
Dan
Wonderful piece. After reading it I desperatly wish there was something I could do to help the 'little girl' at the end. I wonder who or what the witch was, a figment of her imagination perhaps, or an invasive presence in her dream? I also wonder if the witch represents adulthood and the childs choice to keep looking on longer was her growing up, and leaving her imagination and ability to dream behind. By the way where you say casing butterflies, I pressume you mean chasing :) just a small thing.
Keep writing!
Dan
Hello! I saw this on the plug page and am very pleased I had a look. This was a really thought provoking piece. My interpretation is that the lake is a metaphor for what is happening to his mind after his love is not reciprocated. I liked the ending, I felt real pity for your character and longed for him to escape in the end. When he did this it was well portrayed and his relief seemed realistic to me. Enjoyed reading this, keep up the writing!
Dan
This was beautiful, comparing loves temermental nature to the waves pulling back and fourth with such well thought out description made it a pleasure to read. Nice note to end it on as well. I liked the structure as the first paragraph described the neccessary price of love, the second described the feeling of being lost in love and the last balances the two and concludes that it is worth it.
Great stuff :)
I like this. I imagine you are conveying metaphorically that the willow tree is a certain woman's endurance of emotional pain, illustrated by the weather conditioning. The ending is fitting, I like that it ends on a strong note after three stanzas of endurance. Criticism..I don't write poetry at all, but as a simple reader I found the last lines of each verse a bit clumpy, like 'like a waterfall, being protective' personally I would think something like 'protective like a waterfall' would flow better, but thats just from a poetry cretins point of view..I think you've done a good job with it, short and sweet and gets its point across successfully in a metaphorical way.
This was a facinating adaptation of some of Stephen King's work, I felt empathy for your character quickly and was not dissapointed when it came to a satisfying (if unpleasant and upsetting) ending. I felt real upset for Stanley when his escape from his prison was denied by a careless act (if it was carelessness, I wonder if Walter had anything to do with it, if you actually have an answer to that I'd be interested to know). I wonder if you would mind taking a look at my story extract that I have put up on my portfolio and reviewing it for me. Thanks for the read.
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