This story peaked my interest. It is so strange and unrealistic that I feel like two npc’s are talking in a video game.
It is obviously their first meeting but for some reason Amaki cares about player name.
And then this totally weird sentence: yes, although not here" 'player name' said looking at the fairly packed hallway
I have no idea what it’s about but it is interesting writing
Being your competitor in the Joust, I am saddend by this story. It's just awsome. The tension was felt all through, and it left me wanting more.
Great work.
Dan
Hi,
So I read your story and I have comments.
1. the subject you wrote upon was very interesting
2. I could feel your character and he felt real to me.
3. I feel like it was more of a story outline instead of a story. I mean you could have taken one of the points in this story and wrote the whole story about it. for instance I think if you would have focused on the story of the lady in the supermarket and wrote it with dialouge and expanded upon it, at the same time dropping alot of other small stories which felt repetetive. They felt repetetive because they didn't give me a new outlook on the hero of the story, it only emphesized what I already knew about him.
4. The hero did not develop during the story, he kept on complaining throughout the story and didn't change his outlook on life one bit.
5. The end was like the ending of a bad joke.
Thats what I thought hope this helps...
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