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181 Public Reviews Given
253 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Open communication - I'm not done once I send feedback. Let me know what you think. Bounce ideas off me. That's what a second set of eyes are for!
I'm good at...
I'm specific. "Great story" is not what you get from me.
Favorite Genres
For reviews - doesn't really matter. If I have questions about something I ask for clarification. It's all about story and characters.
Favorite Item Types
I like getting into longer stories and novels, but short stories are good too.
I will not review...
If you don't like constructive criticism, I won't be good for you. We're bound to see things differently at times, but that's what the open communication is for. My overall goal is help where I can by looking for a different viewpoint and offering it. What I read may not be what you meant, but, again, isn't that what the extra eyes are for?
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by deadstroke
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Pencil*


Hi DT

Review of Children of Tegalupa - Chapter 1.

As you go through the reviews, please let me know if you would like me to focus on specific items or concepts and I'll be happy to. If there's anything unclear or you need clarification on; email me - That's what I'm here for. Anything I quote from your story will show up in red, so you will know where I'm referencing. I hope you find something in here useful.*Delight*


*CheckG* General Comments & Overall Impression:

It's always a pleasure to read such great writing in a great story. I found great use of imagery throughout in painting a picture I could really get into - some sections almost felt as if I were watching a movie. Very polished first chapter with great action and character building with a great hook at the end. Not too short and not too long. Well Done *Smile*

*CheckG* Plot / Flow:

“Pull!” Fifteen men cry out as one. Coils of hardened muscle twitch and flex.

“Pull!” The dark ocean gives us inches.

“Pull!” The deck shifts. The ship rolls. Two more men go over the rail. Weight shifts with the loss of muscle. Thirteen remaining men fight to keep their hold.
I love the cadence in these - they roll smoothly.

Flow of the First Mate has me a little confused.
There’s the answer! The First Mate is out of place.
This makes me think he hasn't known it was the first mate that they were saving until just now, but a few of the following lines come earlier showing he does know.
The first mate we will claim.
He indicates he saw a flash of white go over and sees it in the ocean, but the lines above show he's not sure if it was an officer, captain or commander. I could buy that he recognizes the first mate when he sees the dot of white in the ocean, but with the one line above.
The First Mate of the Demuesquela lays twisted in coiled lengths of rope.
Also comes prior to the line above, so my mind has him knowing the first mate went over and most likely when he looked over the rail. Course I may also just be missing something - not the first time i will have been called thick.

*CheckG* Language / Tone / Mood:

His words. My hands. One rope.
The short fragmented sentences work well here and in many other places to set a fast tense tone, but be careful of overusing them. The flow became choppy in some areas and risks sounding monotone. They drove impact and tension where it was needed most but, as the reader, I need to catch my breath now and then.

Our boat from bow to stern is one hundred and forty meters long. A football field is a bit shorter than that. Once, she was a great warship. Then they hollowed her out and fit her for trade. Her name is Damesquela, damsel of the oceans. She dances like a wallowing pig as the waves lift her rounded body to the sky.
An example of where things feel a little choppy - almost like a list. Two sentences leading off the paragraph are great.

The deck rolls. Men on the rope scramble to stay upright.
Men on the rope scramble to stay upright when the deck rolls again.

Moving as one, backs lean into the fight. We struggle with the corded rope once more.
Moving as one, backs lean into the fight and we struggle with the corded rope once more.

The sun sinks low. The light begins to dim.
The light begins to dim as the blazing orange sun sinks into the horizon; the oceans final victim.
Just a few simple suggestions on evening out the stacatto of the shorter sentences.

There is a furrow in man’s brow. The man briefly looks me in the eye, “Put him back. The first mate can not survive. If you revive him, all of us will die.”
Ominous - love it. Has me wondering if it's just supersticion or if there's something bigger in play.

Difficult choices are coming.
Great sense of foreboding. This paragraph was a great hook for moving onto the next one.

*CheckG* Setting / Imagery:

Storm is well done - a living, breathing thing.
As the deck pitches up, I stare in wonder towards the boiling clouds.
Gorgeous description in these three paragraphs.

Umbilicus and fetus released from its mother, the child lays motionless, grey and absent of breath.
Incredibly fitting metaphor - nice job *Smile*

Shadows remind us of our weight.
I could imagine two different children drawing on the same piece of paper.
A few lines I liked.

*CheckG* Characters:

Told in first person really pulled me into his character right away. Great insights from through-out. I like who this man is.

Maybe it is the character of men who have spent great time on the open ocean, or maybe it is that I too am stark raving mad.
While actions show me who he is on the outside, I love lines like this that show me who he really is on the inside.

*CheckG* Spelling, Grammar, etc:

TheThis bitter January storm is one of the worst that I have ever seen.
The wording on this felt a little awkward to me.

Since the night that The Greek ended me nothing has been the same.
Was a little lost here. Something has happened as a result, but I'm not sure what the reference was to. If it's explained later as part of the story it works here. Minor thing - didn't slow me down, just raised an eyebrow.

*CheckG* Conclusion:

Well written, polished chapter. You've built a great character that I am interested in following. There's just enough of a tantalizing story to keep reading. An interesting world is emerging with the old man, the behavior of Tierno and our hero. Looking forward to reading more.

I tend to pick at things since those are usually the best reviews I get back. Feel free to email with questions. I'm also always happy to go back and look at any changes you want me too.

WMarsch

deadstroke@writing.com




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by deadstroke
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" 


Hi Fran!

Review of Is your mummy or daddy home.

As you go through the reviews, please let me know if you would like me to focus on specific items or concepts and I'll be happy to. If there's anything unclear or you need clarification on; email me - That's what I'm here for. Anything I quote from your story will show up in blue, so you will know where I'm referencing. I hope you find something in here useful.*Delight*


*CheckG* General Comments & Overall Impression:

I can't say door to door salespeople are my favorite, so I really enjoyed this little snippet.

You did well keeping your twist until the end. There was just enough confusion and mystery in the conversation to keep reading to find out what was going on. Great job.

You did a marvelous job a creating the setting quickly - I could watch the story happening in a vivid picture. You also let me into your thoughts, so I felt you more as a living breathing person and not words on a page; I chuckled along with you.

I am just looking to talk to bill payers today
I love this line. When telemarketers called and asked for the head of the household, I put my 4 year old daughter on the phone.

*CheckG* Spelling, Grammar, etc:

she had disturbed me peace
Word choice - ...disturbed -my- peace...

*CheckG* Conclusion:

Charming story - Thanks for sharing it!

I tend to pick at things since those are usually the best reviews I get back. Feel free to email with questions. I'm also always happy to go back and look at any changes you want me too.

WMarsch

deadstroke@writing.com




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by deadstroke
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" 


Hi Cailean,

Review of Preserving the Future.

As you go through the reviews, please let me know if you would like me to focus on specific items or concepts and I'll be happy to. If there's anything unclear or you need clarification on; email me - That's what I'm here for. Anything I quote from your story will show up in blue, so you will know where I'm referencing. I hope you find something in here useful.*Delight*


*CheckG* General Comments & Overall Impression:

Need strong supporting facts.

You bring up China's 1 child policy. What would your answer be when someone states that China's population growth was almost double (250million compared to 400million) from 1979 to now than before the policy?

Consider answering some of these points:

Whose standard of living? Yours? What if you're one of those 3rd world people. Wouldn't you want to know why the rest of the world couldn't just do with less since you do?

Many of these countries are heavily religious. Answer this - What if you sterilized Mary before Jesus was born? I'm not very religious, but I can see the argument being raised.

We're not a one world government. What do you do with countries that refuse to comply without causing the catastrophic wars you mention?

Who decides? History has already shown us that many of our leaders aren't the brightest people out there.


*CheckG* Language / Emotion:

The technology to humanly and painlessly ensure results already exists.
I can read this two ways - humanly and humanely. Guess it depends on the effect you're looking for.

*CheckG* Spelling, Grammar, etc:

that humanity does become too large for the earth to support.
Missing word - ...humanity does -not- become...

*CheckG* Conclusion:

The choice is simple, but can you make it?
In the end - You didn't sell me on your solution. Not to simple - Big questions need to be answered before I can buy into the solution. Give me hard facts on why and how this would work without tearing our world apart.

Great topic - Overpopulation is a real global concern. My own opinion - We'll either adapt and survive or nature will set us straight; she usually does. Might be time for a good, old fashioned plague.

Kudos for putting yourself out there with your ideas!

I tend to pick at things since those are usually the best reviews I get back. Feel free to email with questions. I'm also always happy to go back and look at any changes you want me too.

WMarsch

deadstroke@writing.com




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by deadstroke
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item" 


Hi Vincent,

Review of "Fallen" or "Falling".

As you go through the reviews, please let me know if you would like me to focus on specific items or concepts and I'll be happy to. If there's anything unclear or you need clarification on; email me - That's what I'm here for. Anything I quote from your story will show up in blue, so you will know where I'm referencing. I hope you find something in here useful.*Delight*


*CheckG* General Comments & Overall Impression:

The dream was a nice touch to start off with. It offers some intrigue that hooks the reader in to find out where it goes.

The apartment scene introduced me to Nigel and Lea and the situation they're currently in.

*CheckG* Setting / Imagery:

Great job with painting a clean picture of the action. I could see, hear and taste what was happening and the tension. I could see a family in danger of being evicted by an uncaring landlady. Nigel ducked her at the door and let Lea deal with her.

He threw himself at the sink the second it was passed his lips, spitting and vomiting a little bit. “Jesus, that’s soured.”
Lots of great vivid images.

I am here because of the other twenty people in this apartment building that can not sleep because of your monstrous offsprings screeching cries!
Of course this could just be an over exaggeration by the landlady, but I couldn't see a crying baby waking up an entire apartment complex.

*CheckG* Spelling, Grammar, etc:

Felt like tenses shifted a few times.
For example:
stands with his wife... She leaned into him... He turns his head
Seems like the majority is present, so changing the past tenses should fix it pretty easy. Ie "She leans into him"

*CheckG* Conclusion:

I liked the dream and how well the characters were introduced, but I finished the chapter without a real sense of what the story was.


I tend to pick at things since those are usually the best reviews I get back. Feel free to email with questions. I'm also always happy to go back and look at any changes you want me too.

WMarsch

deadstroke@writing.com




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by deadstroke
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)

Hi General,

Review of The North and the South.

As you go through the reviews, please let me know if you would like me to focus on specific items or concepts and I'll be happy to. If there's anything unclear or you need clarification on; email me - That's what I'm here for. Anything I quote from your story will show up in blue, so you will know where I'm referencing. I hope you find something in here useful. It's all just my opinion - It's up to you to decide what to keep and what to toss.*Delight*


*CheckG* General Comments & Overall Impression:

I'm a Civil War junkie, so I really enjoyed your story about a slice of history. There are some great pieces in here that show the times and the tense action of battles of the time.

The Civil War obviously brings out lots of heated discussion and still has sides that run deep. Some things that would help in making the CSA more believable, to me, would only need some slight changes. Comments on states rights were nearly dead on - great job. The Bill of Rights and Consistution gave them the legal right to leave the Union. The thoughts or views on slavery from the south were off. Most Southeners never owned slaves and even the ones that did, didn't fight for their right to own them. Even Lincoln didn't cite slavery as a reason for war. He was adamant about preserving the union at all costs.

Not even the best General in the world could face a army outnumbering his.
Wrapping my head around this. Are the forces facing Kenneth too much? Lee fought nearly all his battles outnumbered and didn't lose until Gettysburg.

'' Which is why, I am rewarding you the Medal of Honor for your personal conduct, and the strength you have to face such fearsome men. '' He nodded, finishing his sentence and then nodding to the Colonel behind him.
'' Colonel, make this man promoted to Brigadier General, will you? ''
Honestly have to say I didn't buy any of this. I don't see him even getting a medal for fighting with "the Butcher". No way he's being promoted from private to General - or even an officer. I could see him promoted a few ranks for braverynif there was a lack of commanding officers at the time.

'' But I'll tell you rebs one thing, betraying your country is one of the worst things any one can do. We fought against the English during our independence, but to see brothers against brothers....
Awesome job capturing this sentiment. As vicously as they fought each other, there was family on both sides. Great job of capturing how the North saw them as betraying the Union.

*CheckG* Flow / Language:

The torn and weary War-flags of the Confederates could be clearly seen, with the white stars and blue bars and the fine color of red as the background.
Nothing wrong at all with; just an idea for another way of writing it. "Stars n Bars" are well known as being the CSA flag, from Johnny Reb's view.

He owned more plantations than anywhere else.
Clarification - anyone else or does he own plantations elsewhere?

At the Great Battles of Gettysburg, First Bull Run and Fredericksburg, he had killed more Yankee men than the enemy could.
A few things on this would make it flow smoother for me - but that's just me. How does this read to you?
At the great battles of First Manassas (what a southener would call it), Fredericksburg, and Gettysburg, he had killed more Yankees than the enemy could kill of his own.

*CheckG* Setting / Imagery:

The Battalion marched. The sounds of marching and beating drums could be heard as they stomped the ground alive, shaking the tiny pieces of grass and soil up into the air.
This is a great image. I can feel, see and hear the marching troops cadence.

Old friends met each other for the first time in four years since the war started, others traded coffee and meat, and northerners had talks with the southerners,
Great line. This was a very real occurance after a battle or during a lull in one. Nice job.

The solider bowed and left.
The soldier should be saluting.

it was a wreckage of chaos.
Schweet! Nice way to describe to fog of war.

And the battalions fired, producing ten a minute, his men fell down the minute.
Having trouble picturing this. I see them shouting muskets in volleys, but even the best only get off 3 shots a minute.

*CheckG* Spelling, Grammar, etc:

battalions.vWounded after the defeat
extra letter and capitalization. battalions, wounded...

last city in north Carolina
Capitalization - North

battalions and driven of Yankee attacks.
Simple typo - off

The new year was 1865; most of the Confederacy's strength and Generals had gone in vain. All had died in the attempts to keep the Confederacy and slavery alive. Now, Lee and his war cabinet struggled to maintain the once powerful Confederacy which had existed four years before.
Repetition - This whole piece is in there twice.

Army of the south.
Capitalization - South

hurried to get their battle stations.
missing word - ...get to their...

Others solider rehearsed
Two typos - Other soldiers

uniformed soldiers fell done.
Simple typo - ...fell down.

already written them of the lines over there.
Simple typo - ...them off the...

I tend to pick at things since those are usually the best reviews I get back. Feel free to email with questions. I'm also always happy to go back and look at any changes you want me too.

WMarsch

deadstroke@writing.com



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of Time Enough  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Pencil*


Hi Kim!

Review of Time Enough.

As you go through the reviews, please let me know if you would like me to focus on specific items or concepts and I'll be happy to. If there's anything unclear or you need clarification on; email me - That's what I'm here for. Anything I quote from your story will show up in blue, so you will know where I'm referencing. I hope you find something in here useful.*Delight*


*CheckG* General Comments & Overall Impression:

Just reviewing a fellow EQUIP's work. You have wonderful prose, this was a joy to read.

*CheckG* Plot / Flow:

This is a minor nit pick, but this is written so well I'm reduced to nit picking. More than likely it's just my little brain.

I pictured Clarence cowering on the sofa with the pillow, so I didn't expect him to move to the settee. He struck me as frightened, so It seemed more in character to me that he would remain motionless, trying to be unseen or forgotten.

I really enjoyed the suspense of this whole tale. Abuse came out quickly from their injuries, but I was misled in Beatrice's intentions. When her brother showed up the next day, I was wondering if she was going to have a "Tell Tale Heart" moment. Explaining Joe was hurt was great - didn't see it coming. Didn't see the end coming where Beatrice told him never to touch them again. I was sure she was going to kill him.

*CheckG* Language / Emotion:

Time enough for that she thought
I usually get busted on the "she thought", so I started leaving it off in my writing. I found I still knew she was still thinking internally. I've also been told to use italics for internal thinking, but I don't really like them. What's your take on it?


*CheckG* Setting / Imagery:

clattered to the brick hearth
exceptionally cold, even by northern Michigan standards
Drifts were piled against the north side of the clapboard house as high as the window sills
Your work is laced with sensory input like this that really put me in the small house.

You gave us dates, but I think what really gives that frontier turn of the century feel was things like the kerosene lantern, wood stove, the heavy breakfast, sleigh, etc, really put me back there. I was immersed into the whole scene from the start and you kept me throughout.

*CheckG* Characters:

Beatrice - Strong character that was pushed to far. Black as coal, they twinkled when she played a prank and smoldered when she was vexed. Lines like this one made the end result of beating, but leaving Joe alive very believable. I can see her having the strength to do both and also believe Joe better learn fast. Beatrice's journey through the abuse in thinking it was somehow her fault Joe was they he was and how she became an expert in lying about her injuries painted a very real picture of her. I was riveted to her as a character.


*CheckG* Spelling, Grammar, etc:

Clarence who was now sitting on the on the horsehair settee wrapped in his quilt
Simple typo - "on the" is repeated

*CheckG* Conclusion:

Great work on this. Your language, story telling and flow of emotion made this a smooth, exiting tale to read. It was a short story, but the time you took to paint the scene and show Beatrice's character really made it an immersive experience.

I tend to pick at things since those are usually the best reviews I get back. Feel free to email with questions. I'm also always happy to go back and look at any changes you want me too.

WMarsch

deadstroke@writing.com




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Yellowrose!

I came across your message of thanks to those who serve and just wanted to echo your thoughts. They do so much that we don't see and give us more than we know. They deserve all the thanks we can give them for selflessly providing us lasting freedom and security.
8
8
Review by deadstroke
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Casey,

I loved how this story went sideways unexpectedly and the twist you put in it. Draco is quickly built into a realistic bounty hunter that turns out to be hunting Hitler. He rolls with the time travel piece, but what else can he do. He's obviously well trained in his craft to wait and see if would happen after the scene settled back down.

The first six sentences or so felt very choppy to me, along with the repetitive use of "he". I like the dark figure it's describing though. My little brain was just tripping over the shorter lines.

Sweat dripped down into his eyes, and as he moved his hands to wipe the sweat away - I felt you could replace the second "sweat" with it to cut down on using the same word in the same sentence.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi RT,

I don't read or review much poetry, but this read smoothly and invoked wonderful imagery.

I had a warm feeling of wishing I was a child again. The world seemed so much more interesting then; everything real and adventure was wherever you could find it. I guess it's no wonder Peter Pan is one of my favorite characters. The words you use relate that lost wonder and imagination we all once had, but most of us lose to the everyday.

Sometimes ignorance can be bliss - Great job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review by deadstroke
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Pencil*


Hi Inkwell!

Welcome to WdC

Review of The World of Mirrors - Chapter 1.

As you go through the reviews, please let me know if you would like me to focus on specific items or concepts and I'll be happy to. If there's anything unclear or you need clarification on; email me - That's what I'm here for. Anything I quote from your story will show up in blue, so you will know where I'm referencing. I hope you find something in here useful. It's all just my opinion - It's up to you to decide what to keep and what to toss.*Delight*

*CheckG* Plot:

Intriguing start. With Jack being developed so well quickly, I really want to know more about this picture he just received and who is sending them.

*CheckG* Flow / Language:

I liked the flow between images and action created by your words. A vivid picture is painted.

*CheckG* Setting / Imagery:

Once again he placed the palm of his hand against the icy glass pane of the mirror in the hall.
Not only a great opening line, but a great image. I was really drawn in with this line combined to Jack's thoughts. Well Done!

*CheckG* Characters:

Great job building up Jack's character in these four paragraphs. You let us into his thoughts and emotions enough for him to quickly become a believable and strong character from the start.


*CheckG* Spelling, Grammar, etc:

Second paragraph
envelope addressed to himself
...addressed to (him).

living room taking a quick glance

smoother with a comma after room.

Fourth paragraph
second envelope had arrived only this time at the
comma after arrived

This happened for weeks on end each piece of paper a blank as the next
comma after end. paper (as) blank as

But this was what troubled him the face staring
You can either end the sentence after him, or add a comma.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

Is there more to this chapter (work in progress) or is meant to be more of a prologue?

Nice start - hope to see more of this.


I tend to pick at things since those are usually the best reviews I get back. Feel free to email with questions. I'm also always happy to go back and look at any changes you want me too.

WMarsch

deadstroke@writing.com




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Daddy's Girl  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Kings,

I came across Daddys Girl while wandering the random boards.

I liked the simple rythmic beat. It's a hard message to deliver to children, but this is done in a little song that lets Daddy still say she's his little girl.

Even while he can't always be there, he always will be.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review of The Castle Dragon  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Shaara,

I found your writers cramp on the random board.

I like tension you were able to build quickly. How Jezzie and Ricardo still felt they were not allowed to show affection in public even after married.

Of the Dragon would explain why any other pet might be a bad idea!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review of Trust Susan  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Shannon,

Thanks for reading Together Alone. I just read Trust Susan and enjoyed it. Hope there's something in here you find useful *Pthb*

I liked how her Mom told she should come along and ended up going with her anyway, after she got lost.

Two things tripped me up. A tenth of a mile is pretty quick to get lost on a hiking trail. A bit further down Sue showed up a few minutes later at the ten mile mark. Two different measurements. A tenth of a mile obviously not being too far in - believable Mom would make it there pretty quickly (I'd probably still say it took her 1/2 a hour or something though). The ten mile mark is often much further in - about a 3.5 hr walk.

It's a little thing, but those tend to get us! Saw you just recently joined the site as well - Welcome!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review by deadstroke
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Maperdo,

I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear of you losing your son so suddenly. We also lost one when he was thirteen. A happy breathing boy one day and gone the next.

It carves a huge hollow into you. We had to go on for our two daughters and support them in the grief they felt. It's been almost five years now. It's still painful to think about him, but it gets a little better each day. At least now we think about the good times we had.

Stay strong for your other son.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review by deadstroke
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Kyle!

I found Heros II on the sponsors board, read your author's note and bounced over to Heros I to check it out first. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find something in here useful.

*CheckG* 1st / Overall Impression:


*PointRight*The Near Star had already sunk behind the large mountain, Mount Killimore, that sat at the far edge of the village, casting the first shadows of night over the people and the moon taking its place to emit a faint light for them to still get around.

Great imagery, but the sentence was a bit long for me. Perhaps the part about the moon being its own sentence.

*PointRight*The first level is where the calm Lake Kio rested for the people to swim in and fish its depths with a few buildings to make up the market place and the mayor's house

Perhaps a break at the buildings.

*PointRight*On the opposite side of the Lake, the village was met with a large forest that was quiet and peaceful about one hundred meters in and after that, no one dared to go any further.

Comma at and, after. Sounds like the forest has a foreboding secret - nice way to build some tension.

*PointRight*Sitting on the second level of the village was a young man and woman looking down at the lake, hands locked together and no space left between them. The lake sparkled beautifully against the moon's shine and the gentle breeze blew through the village, bringing the smells of smoldering fires from the houses below. The lake seemed to be perfectly smooth, the slightest ripples surfing across the surface in responce to the breeze.

Beautiful setting and picture, beautifully written.

*PointRight*Ivy scooted a little closer to Layle and grabbed tightly hold of his waist as she looked down at the lake and saw the surface beginning to ripple.

Bold read a little awkward. Know what you're saying though. Maybe remove tightly or "grabbed hold of his waist tightly"?

*PointRight*A long serpent, like creature was floating into the sky at least fifty feet in length, the color of a rainbow, but the color ran through the creature as if it were made of liquid even though it was a clear solid animal
This ran a little long for. The beautiful imagery began to get lost. May want to break it up a little.

*PointRight*Above them at least one hundred feet, standing next to an enterance to the Mount Killimore Coves were three men.
Sp - entrance. Comma - Coves, were

*PointRight*The man turned on his heel and walked into the Coves, the other two following behind him, getting ready to cause the greatest disaster Kio has ever witnessed in its time as a loving, peaceful village. That peace was about to end.

Powerful way to end the Prologue.


*ThumbsUp* Very vivid imagery. There's a very clear picture built of the mountain village and the lake beyond. I like the concept of the three tiers with the stream flowing through it to the lake. Ivy and Layle were introduced in a peaceful setting, close together. The Rainbow Fire Dragon was well done. I have a clear picture of it. Great tension in the whole sequence of it emerging from the water as a sign and returning to it. Great job of portraying an idyllic setting that may be destroyed that night.


Thanks for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Scruffy  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi David,

I came across this on the random boards and loved the way you told the story through Scruffy's eyes. The world is an interesting place from his view as he describes his friends and his walks. I can feel his joy as he runs free and in teasing Bob.

The tension built in him getting lost is a neat way of seeing it from the puppies view. I can picture our own finding our home that way - no tags and response to ads for her.

Adorable story!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of The Color of Jade  
for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Pencil* A "P.E.N.C.I.L."  Review *Pencil*


Hi Mae,

Review of "The Color of Jade" Chapter 1.

I read through with your questions in mind.

I would like to know if you think my characters and scenes are developed well enough. If you like the plot especially towards the end. I was wondering if the events that happened after 25 are too much. I would like to know if you think my male characters are appropriate to gender, do the men act as men would.

I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful. In the end, it's all just my opinion - It's up to you to decide what to keep and what to toss.*Delight*


*CheckG* General Comments & Overall Impression: Do the men act as men would? It's a tough question. I'm only in chapter one, but here's an insight for the boy Jade likes, since his behavior seems to tend this way. Boys are just as afraid of girls as girls are of them. The boy seems to be telling Jade he likes her if he keeps walking by her window, or looks at her in the hall, or just seems to always be where she is. Those same stomach flips, butterflies and chills could just as aptly describe him too. He still has a chance and can still dream about them together until she says "No"; then the dream is shattered. That's why it can be so hard to approach her and look to Jade why he was staying away. From what Jade's described of him so far in chapter one, he is a very believable young man.


*CheckG* Plot:You've painted an interesting story. Giving me just enough to want to know more. What caused this virus? Why did Kane leave them without an explanation? Who is in the truck? Who just banged on the door? Most important - How does Jade work through these? It's an intriguing start.


*CheckG* Flow / Language:There's a smooth transition through several of Jade's emotions as she brings us through remembering life before, her feelings for the boy and the sudden jolt of the stranger at the door. A small hiccup in either the flow of the picture I had drawn for myself was the road being empty, but the grey truck being there in the next paragraph. When I reread it, I felt a bit more tension in moving "I looked through the window and saw a grey Ford...." and striking "The road was still empty." The rest of that paragraph would flow nicely with the one before it. But that's just how I read it.


*CheckG* Setting / Imagery:Here's the scene I see when I read through. A sad girl staring out at a drab day. She let's us into her thoughts and we find that devastation has wracked our world. She searches for some normalcy in her new routine by remembering the boy that always walked by. I can see the puddles in the road and yellow grass poking up. She longingly remembers life before the virus, her horse and parents still with her. Some great tension brought in unexpectedly with the grey truck - heightened when we learn the oldest brother Kane has left. A bigger shock when we learn their parents are gone. There's some wonderful imagery in her awkwardness over this boy. Great relationship building with her sister. Jade seemed to be relaxing a bit when someone bangs on the door and she grabs a rifle and follows Trey.


*CheckG* Characters: Characters make or break the story. You did a great job of building Jade into someone I wanted to know about and that kept me reading. The emotions are likely to be those of someone going through what she, Aida and her brothers are going through. I must be a scary world to live in now for children their age to lose their parents. I liked her and Aida. Again, just me, but I would have been mad if my brother took off in this situation without telling me where he was going. I'd still be anxious for his return, but I'd want something.


*CheckG* Spelling, Grammar, etc: A nit picky thing - Ford is a brand name so you'll want to capitalize it.


I think you've done a tremendous job in the first chapter. It's a well painted scene, with strong, likeable characters, and several interesting storylines. Your descriptions really put me right there with Jade, Aida and Trey. Being well placed right after the girls having a pillow fight and just being kids, the banging on the door actually startled me. I'm looking forward to reading more!


Feel free to email with questions if you like or, if I'm just way off, throw a virtual brick at me!

WMarsch

deadstroke@writing.com




** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Uppity  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great Read!!

HAH! Was wondering where in the world you where heading with this and got all my questions answered in one hilarious moment.

The touch of confusion worked well with the style you told the story. There's a little of Faulkner's Sound and Fury in here with the story coming from three different directions. The images of the little girl digging through Brian's drawers and the curators puzzlement all fit in perfectly now.
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Review of Uppity  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
HAH! Was wondering where in the world you where heading with this and got all my questions answered in one hilarious moment.

The touch of confusion worked well with the style you told the story. There's a little of Faulkner's Sound and Fury in here with the story coming from three different directions. The images of the little girl digging through Brian's drawers and the curators puzzlement all fit in perfectly now.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by deadstroke
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Vacant Vagrant,

Took me awhile to get around to checking this out, but having been wanting to since I read "Things They Abandoned". Now I know what a "Glowhead" is!

To answer your question first.

The story flowed smoothly for me. Easy to follow what was happening and why. You did a great job of interspersing details about the glowheads and what was happening without slowing the story down. A group of glowheads trying to make an escape and a "subhuman" helping them (unknowingly). I like how you switched over to Reid for a good portion of the chase, subsequent wreck and fight.

Still like the same rich language that I found first in your other story. The first several chapters put me around the fire with Helena and set the tone as the others arrived. Much of the dialogue inside the truck as they're being chased shows their desperation.

My favorite character in this was Reid. You gave us so much of him and his thoughts. while the outside world treated him as slow, his thoughts show there's something in there. You capture him well in keeping his thoughts simple, but there's still good depth to him. I like the conflict within him as he decides if should obey the law or protect his friends. His crush on Helena is a nice touch too.

The only thing that took away from it so for me was the use of all caps. You have really good imagery of the events that I can see and hear the intensity that the police would be speaking with without them.

I like the world your building with the glowheads - can't wait to see how the Omni fit in!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Mirror, Mirror  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I loved snow white, and love the twist on the mirror in your story.

Interesting way to change the view of the story by putting us in the mirror's perspective, seeing everything while being unseen. It was interesting being in the mirrors thoughts as it progressed through the story. Ending was another great twist in the mirror using its own reflection to carry out his mistress's final wish

Only thing that tripped me up a little was the comments about her haughtiness. The mirror dismissed pretty quickly - I was waiting for it to become a factor in the story, but that's just me.

Great take on a classic!
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Review of Sakura  
Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (4.5)
This touched me - having lost someone much too young and much too suddenly the same way. We never say the things we should when we can.

I can see many stages of pain and the progression through to the end - how it seems to make sense and the despair that only the truth can spoken from lips of blue.

Swinging feet caught me for a moment, but I got it.

The one verse that seems there to continue the rhyme - "not in my time zone" I know what you're saying, but it felt out of place with the rest of the imagery. That's only how I read it though. Just a suggestion since I hate picking at something without trying to offer something else up - change my own to mine and last line to "not in time"?
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Review by deadstroke
Rated: E | (4.5)
Looks like a great start to a larger story.

I like the banter between the platoon members - Showed they were a team comfortable with each other and set a certain mood. I could feel some nervousness from Orlov, but also could feel this was more of a routine thing for him. He was exploring after his fall, but not expecting much - let alone the danger he found. Conversation between Orlov and Prospero was very smooth as Orlov worked on discovering Prospero's purpose and in working to get Prospero to get him back to the surface. Your language was great in making the events seem so routine to Orlov that the conclusion was a surprise. Bringing the whole platoon in from time to time kept them a part of the story.

There was a lot you put in that helped the reader see the story.

Some language I really liked:
"He wiped the dust and grime...."
"He touched a few buttons...."
"It's a stinking robot." - could almost feel Orlov start breathing again.
"...playful smile widening.' - Uh Oh

One thing that tripped me up.

"How ironic that the glowheads loved us before we tore their planet to shreds."

Having this thought in the same paragraph first had me thinking it was Orlov's thought, which was a little confusing. When I reread - I took it as Prospero's thought, but associated the comment by Orlov that followed pertaining to it. I was thinking he would have begun thinking something was wrong then. It made more sense when I added it to the paragraph above. I thought it would have been a great ending to the paragraph that starts "Speech pattern dictates...." But that's all just how I read it.

I really liked the setting, language and story as a whole. Hope there was something helpful in here.
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