Your poem details a grim reality that unfortunately is still present today :/
Children are often the ones that suffer the most and are scarred not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
your poem captures that pain and horror very well, painting very morbid images that displays the true face of war and violence in that region.
It's a grim reminder but a much needed one as the true voice of these child victims need to be heard....
Overall this is a well written poem. it flows quite nicely and the imagery is truly great, though a bit morbid/bloody.
Thank you for sharing your poem.
i am glad i had the opportunity to read it :)
Though I'm reading this poem approximately 4 years since you posted it on writing.com, I dare say it is even more timely in this present time as it was then. I love the pun on "Son" and "sun" in the second stanza. found that was pretty great and effective.
Also the light and dark imagery gives the impression that in the midst of the darkness and chaos a true light shall break forth that will make the darkness non-existent as the "all-encompassing light" takes over.
The poem inspires hope as well as is a definite reminder of the times to come which seem even more now so speedily approaching us.
Great poem!!!
and thank you for sharing it on writing.com for all of us to read and be reminded of this coming day.
:)
Your poem is quite enjoyable and a bit funny to say the least.
Your rhyming was excellent and made the poem flow really well which, in my opinion, added to development of a possible theme of your poem which could be the determination or resilience of the cat that whether he catches his prey or not he moves "on to something new" creating an endless flow not pausing to dwell on failure but focusing only on a new prize ahead,
Overall i truly really enjoyed reading your poem and found you did really great work writing it.
Thanks for sharing it and continue the great work! ^_^
Your poem was quite enjoyable. The rhyming added to the overall well flow an gave it a sorta happy jolly comic feel.
This flow was only interrupted by the "Cause I'm in charge of the chickens" lines which caused the reader to stop and take notice and really inspect the reality and acknowledge the humor in it.
Your poem is comical yet has a serious undertone as what you've described though funny, is and can be a true reality to many. What the persona did is actually quite admirable in taking care of the chickens while the lanlords were away and doing so with a positive attitude and sacrificing their time, energy and relaxation to help someone else.
Your poem is quite excellent indeed and i enjoyed reading it.
countinue to write and share your poetry with the world as you surely have great talent here.
^_^
Your poem started off really well. You have an excellent opening stanza which made me interested in reading the rest. ^_^
I could feel the anxiety and suspense as i read through each line. Overall it was really good.
The only thing that threw me a bit off was the last line "one wrong step and i'm done for"
it's the only one line stanza in the poem and you may have done that for emphasis or what not.
Personally, i may have ended it with something like
"On this mission
will I die ...? "
OR
"Shall i escape
or will i die?"
or something along those lines. it doesn't necessarily have to rhyme. just connect audibly a bit more to the previous stanza.
Apart from that i really like your poem. short and consise but enjoyable and suspenseful and a great detective poem indeed.
Great work!!!!!
wow!
as i read this it was like reading my own life story.
last time my dad saw me was around 3 months old and i have no memory of it.
i wish he was there to see how i have grown so far... but there's still a chance he will. he's alive and now and then he may actually call me on the phone.
but i agree, although he wasn't there i still see alot of him in me. ALOT.
i REALLY love this poem. It's amazing, expertly written, and SOOOOOOOO true!
Emotionally gripping!
Heart wrenching!
Your poem speaks of an all too common reality facing many in the world today.
we who are supposed to be the smartest beings on this planet, ironically, do the dumbest of things then seek to justify it.
the ones who orchestrate these wars often are never in the front lines to witness the carnage and suffering their orders cost.
No one should have to endure war since no matter the victor there will be casualities on both sides and unnecessary bloodshed.
Your poem holds the reader's attention from start to finish and really brings home your message.
Superbly written, your poem deserves 5 stars in my book. :)
this poem is deeply touching...
each line, each stanza is filled with so much emotion that grips at the reader's heart all the while,,,
this truly is an amazing poem yet deeply sad. this poem may not only represent your life, but many others out there. thank you for writing this and i will pray for you. :)
hope things get better for you though.
:)
wow! This is the first poem i have ever read which speaks directly about rain and must congratulate you on a job well done!!!!! :)
The rhyming is excellent and helps with the flow of the poem. The imagery is AMAZING and allows the reader to accurately paint the pictures in their mind of which you describe.
The season "Spring" doesn't exist in my country cause i live in the tropics but i am familiar with rain. the "countless flowers" as a result of the rain does paint a marvelous picture though.
i wish you the best in this "spring" season and may its beauty countinue to bring a smile to your heart. :)
Your poem is quite nicely written and the rhyming works in very well. :)
In all honesty, your poem evokes in me a weird sort of joy yet saddness at the same time.
I never truly knew my father so i must say i don't truly share the same feelings you may have. however, hearing you describe it in your poem makes me see how deeply a father's relationship with his child can be and makes me want to have it even more. It brings a smile to me cause it seems really great.
However, there is some saddness in your poem and that is quite evident. Your description is quite accurate as it being"a common song to fathers". Nevertheless, there is still hope as you ended your poem on a happy note.
Children will eventually be reunited with their parents. The strange/ironic thing is, by losing our parents, we learn to value them more. Thus, when we are reunited, the love we have for them then is far greater than they first were originally wioth us. :)
Your poem is truly great and i am quite happy that i took the time to read it!
This poem is amazing and deeply touching. :)
i stand in awe and almost speechless at the images and themes who so skillfully portrayed throughout this wonderful piece.
the rhyming helps it flow quite nicely and smoothlyand helps keep the readers' attention and focuss.
All in all, this is a remarkable poem and i wish more people in the world today would be like this and actually keep their promise...
Keep up the great work dude! Your poetry is poetry is awesome and truly inspirational!
:)
Wow man! This is REALLY deep! Your poem is full of suspense from start to finish and the "Drip. Drip" repeatedly repaeted added greatly to that fact which is great, since it kept me gripped from start to finish.
Honestly, your poem made me feel a mixture of fear and sadness. It is depressing yet scary at the same time which allows the reader to sorta see how deeply hurt you must feel.
I am sorry for your loss and i do hope some ray of sunshine does enter your life and that your soul will live again.
Wow!!!!!! this poem is extremely well written. This is by far the best sailing poem i have ever read. It flows quite nicely and acts like waves moving along the shore of the reader's heart.....drawing them in more and more with each line.
It is a sad, yet remarkable story and i wonder if it is true or not. Honestly, by the way you have written, i won't be surprised if it is true.
All in all i loved this poem and i am truly happy i took the time to read it.:)
Your rhyming was excellent which helped the poem flow quite nicely. it is quite admirable for you to successfully write a strory in poetry form......not everyone can so successfully do this. I sounds like a story and your description of the samauri is great!
though sad, your poem is expertly written and i encourage you to keep up the great work!!!!!!!!!!
This is a really great poem.
It reminded me of the phrase "we live to die". The first line is my favourite and it is quite true and profound.
For all eternity there will be life and death. eternal life; eternal damnation.
it's quite ironic actually. you must die in this life in the next while if you live (with all the vices and sin) in this life, you die in the next. both seem opposite yet work hand in hand.
All in all, your short but sweet poem captures this and i am truly glad i have read it.
wow!!!!!!!!!!!! this is a really really really great poem! Also, it's the only one of it's kind i've seen on this site thus far. You actually analyzed the structure and what not of the poem. i'm currently doing poetry in school and they ask us to do that exact same thing!!
It really, in my opinion, gives a more indepth meaning to your poem. it makes the reader appreciate it so much more and the true magnificence of this poem is revealed.
Wow! This is a REALLY great poem!!! The rhyming helps this sad yet beautiful story run quite smoothly. i'm sorry bout the little bird and i do hope he finds great friends wherever he's going.
It's a great concept you have. The bird died a hero...brave and strong to the very end.
This poem is a great inspiration as it shows that even when you fall you should get back up. you should never lose courage; never lose faith, even in the face of death.
Wow!!!!!!! This story itself is a masterpiece! At first, it seemed to me that Carlos was the 'bad guy" and frankly more suspicious. However, your expert characterization of Juan gave me new insights. From your character development, I learnt the kind of person Juan really was. I didn't in any wise expect that. Yes he 'was a man of few was words" which suggested some secrets and mystery. Yet, planning, executing and concealing murder was not anything I expected of him. However, this is a good thing. The constant surprises and twists in the plot keeps me interested. I want to know what happens next and countinue reading.
I was also surprised as to the person Carlos actually was. His description and conversation with Juan, lead me to believe that he had some hidden motive and would turn out to be the 'villain' in your story. However, despite his character flaws (having several girlfriends and so forth), he proved to be good compared to Juan's intent on murdering his own wife because of jealousy and pride. Carlos' character pales in comparission to Juan's jealousy, rage, lack of love for his own wife( whom he had been married to for over a decade), intent, execution and concealment of murder, feeling of no remorse seeing his dead wife and happy to return to work as normal afterwards.
His wife in turn remained devoted to her wretched husmand till her death. She didn't commit adultery by going with other men, nor is it stated that she sought a divorce. She was truly a devoted wife.
In my opinion, this poem teaches alot on judging others. I prejugded Carlos and Juan and I learnt that I was wrong. They were nothing that I suspected they were be. Juan jugded his wife and his wrong judgement caused the death of an innocent, devoted woman. He believed with all his heart that his wife was unfaithful to him. He later learnt the truth but it was too late. He couldn't bring back his wife. The blood of an innocent person lay on his hands. this goes to show, that we must never pre judge people without finding out the true story. If he had confronted his wife, things may have turned out differently. Instead, he acted drastically and lived to regret it. He may have made one of the worst decisions in his whole life and career because of his jealousy, pride and bad jugdement.
This story is honestly well written and I truly enjoyed it. The many twists in the plot help captivate the reader expertly. Your character development was impeccable. Your story in itself is a work of art which I am glad I had the opportunity to enjoy.
Keep up the great work!!!
This is really awesome. I loved the suspense and the unexpected ending was priceless. The description and the suspense kept me interested throughout. I wanted to know what will happen so I kept reading. I loved your ending because it was the usual. anticipated one. She wasn't the victum like I thought it would be. That was great!! She killed the man "and disappeared into the mist, like a ghost.".
This is truly a well written, suspenseful, enjoyable piece. thank you for sharing it on this site. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
I had to read the poem repeatedly to try and understand it all. The mood and tone is a very serious one. I did not make me smile but compelled me to take each written word seriously. There is alot going on in this poem and it reflects various emotions although they may not be stated. Personally, I find it sad but nevertheless it seems to reside with me. It is a lot to take in but doing so seems vitally important, hence the reason I read it over and over trying to comprehend it all. Each word, each line, seems to come directly from your heart and the whole poem seems to be a personal recollection of something you've been through. The poem appeals personally to the reader as well an invokes certain emotions within myself.
The poem itself is well written and orchestrated and the rhyme scheme helps the reader to read and understand your poem more clearly. I intend to read this poem again in the near future to try to understand its dept and meaning even more. I have never read anything like it with regard to the emotion and intensity each word seems to hold. It leaves me partly speechless and penetrates my heart. Thank you for this remarkable, moving work of art. It really touched me and I am pleased that I took the time to read it.
Wow, this story is really awesome! It kept me captivated throughout. I could barely take my eyes off of the screen!! I got to admit, I didn't expect this. I've watched the Lord of the Rings before and even dared to read one of the 700 pages plus books but I never expected anyone to encorporate the story so brilliantly into one of their own like you have done. I am truly amazed by your story and i thoroughly enjoyed it. I am glad that I took the time to read it and I do not regret it. Thank you again for this brilliant, well orchestrated piece. Your description was perfect. The suspense evident. Your entire story was well written in my opinion. Thank you again for sharing it with me.
I have to admit, I never expected this, but I'm happy I saw it. it also serves to remind us that we can do nothing without God. How can we be a light in this world if we ourselves do not have the light? It is God that worketh in us both to will and do of His good pleasure. Thank you again for posting this scripture. I truly hope I remember to do what it says and apply it in my life.
Wow! This poem is poem is awesome! I'm not an American and I don't know alot of the history, but your poem changed that. I leart alot from those few verses and I am glad I read it. The description is very vivid and I can almost picture the whole scene going on in my mind. I'm truly glad I read it and I hope you countinue to write much more of these. Keep up the great work! Thanks for sharing.
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