Nicely done! The "Hitchcock" twist at the end is brilliant. Keep writing. If you can do so much with so little, you have a future as a great story teller.
The opening sentence grabs the reader immediately.
Thanks for sharing this delightful little vignette with us.
Interesting. Well written, but obviously the person researching missed the most obvious reasons NOT to try those first two businesses in the area and countries where they were attempted.
Know your customer base is the first in any research project.
I laughed until my ribs ached. A tale told with humor and a definite tongue-in-cheek flair.
Well done! I was pulled into the tale with the first sentence. I confess that I read it through just to 'read' it. I did not look for Grammatical or punctuation errors. I just read it.
I was completely engrossed with the story. The aimless wandering, the meeting at the church, the description of the passersby not seeing you or choosing not to see the indigent wandering by, was described in a manner that impressed me with your perspicacity. Again WELL DONE!
Do not stop writing, you have an ability of which, were I an envious person, I would be a deep green in complexion!
Thanks for a very engrossing and attention holding tale.
Nicely done. The theme is quite imaginative. I was caught by the first sentence. Well done. The travails of the human in this piece could be expanded into a story, easily.
The two viewpoints are indicative of dilemma's we face daily. The action of the 'father' in attempting to protect his off-spring is vivid and well presented.
Thanks for bringing to mind aspects of hunting and survival I'd not thought before. The thoughts of the fawn were more rational than one considers that of animals to be.
Do keep writing! I found no major Grammatical or punctuation errors, and no typos caught my eye. WELL DONE!
Interesting concept. The plot has a chilling hint of the future in it. I do recall some years ago that movie theatres and other ads for food were banned from 'subliminal advertising'.
In those cases they were inserting a single frame of the food, or items being sold at the concession stand into the 30 FPS of the movie. It worked! People would get the munchies and business did pick up at the movie consession stand.
In the over all I enjoyed the piece, the anxiety of Chaise for Angey's binging on food, and the reference to Mouse Tales was a bit of comedy relief.
It does hope that the reader will understand the referrence. Otherwise the 'joke' will pass un-noticed.
The development of A. I. tailoring ads that can be used as a subliminal push is interesting, and, not as far fetched as it may seem. Many of the 'social media' sites, such as Facebook, are tailoring ads to the users. I doubt that it is A.I. and suspect it is the filters the coders have installed that do the job.
I found a few minor glitches. You can ignore the comments about "" if they show clearly on your computer. For some strange reason, mine fails to show them once in a while.
As I have said previously. I am a reader more than a Grammarian or expert at punctuation, or parsing sentences. But these did catch my eye.
"[...]Well yea, but...[...] close quote
"[...]The waitress had just put or set sat the fourth[...]"
"[...] Nobody gives there their kids names[...]"
"[...] on the richest under 40 list.[...]" close quote
"[...]"I've seen that AD, didn't make me want to scarf the nearest pastry."[...]" You use full caps for AD in the phrase above this as well. Any reason it is not the normal "ad" as is commonly used? A.I. I can understand being full cap, but the choice instead the usual ad, when speaking of advertising, makes me curious.
"[...]Good Times by the Dan Maters band. It was playing the first night we met." I let that sink in.[...]" This dialogue confuses me a little. Does it refer to Chaise and his unknown companion, or is it a referrence to when Chaise and Angey met?
I enjoyed this. I shall have to get the first two chapters, which I hope contain more details of the shenanigans of Dr. Hempshine. It reads almost like the "mad Scientist" with mind erasure of a human, DNA modification to morph said human into another species.
Interesting concept. The title is a little misleading. One expects more of a historical treatise on 'Legendary Creatures" and not Dr. Frankenstein dabbling with DNA and mind erasure.
Bear in mind I am neither a Grammarian, or expert in punctuation. In the main I am merely audience (reader). I mean no disrespect, nor am I suggesting you change your style or follow my suggestions.
So far well done. I shall have to find the other chapters and read the first part of the story.
Some minor points:
"[...]the progress him he and Achilles[...]"
"[...] at Achilles Achilles' cell[...]
"[...]Achilles?" Yorik said calmly[...] It might be clearer if you used Dr. Hempshine's full name in the opening sentence I.E. Dr. Yorik Hempshine. The change to first name only at this point is a little confusing. All readers may not have the mental acuity to realize they are the same person.
"[...]if it's just him and I me [...]
"[...]Achilles was more I think 'uninjured' would be a better choice than ok [...]
"[...]They both walked out[...] They means 'both'. You can delete 'both' and keep the meaning.
"[...]faster that than Dr.[...]" the entire paragraph in which this appears could be re-written to scan a little better. In some places the wording is a little awkward and, in some cases more than needed.
"[...]both headed to the lab 'returned to' ?
"[...] Achilles Achilles' [...] The ' indicates the possessive form of Achilles name. I.E. crudely: Achilleses. (Grin)
"[...]The doctor did as asked and wrote every vital onto a chart and handed it to Yorik.[...] you have two doctors, it might be a bit clearer if you said, or used: Dr. Gerome checked Achilles' vitals and handed a chart with the results to 'Yorik, or words to that effect. Or even 'to Dr. Hempshine.'
[...]"Achilles I would simply say "Achilles followed [...] did as asked and followed the doctor down the corridor to a huge open room full of paintings and cave drawings."
"[...]whipped around to see what the commotion was. To both their surprise to their surprise ? a young lab assistant had knock ed over a table.
"[...] "Well, doctor, I'll leave you two to have bonding time. I'll see you later, Achilles," Hilary waved as she left the room.[...] the 'bonding time comment is a little superflous. I would have ended it at 'I'll leave you two some privacy.'[...]
"[...] ducking down to get through [...] ducking his head or lowering his head ?
"[...] enormous claw into Dr. Gerome's hand. Dr. Gerome found a vein in Achilles' claw [...] I think 'paw' would work better. The inner part of a 'claw' or talon is as sensitive as the tender part under your toenail or fingernail. I don't think that Achilles would accept that needle without an anesthetic.
Again if you use 'they' or 'their' you don't need 'both' or 'all of them' or similar. They and their is inclusive.
"[...] Achilles put one claw paw ? around the doctor to hug him back.[...]
"[...] Dr. Hempshine locked the door behind Achilles after he had laid down for the night. [...] I presume you mean Achilles. The way it is written it could be either of them. You might restructure the sentence or add a qualifier: [...] Locked the door after Achilles had settled down/laid down for the night. [...]
"[...]"I'm going to head home to my family for the night.[...] simplify this. 'I'm going home to my family for the nitght.' ?
Well done. I can't say I enjoyed it. It is not a story that one should enjoy. I too knew someone who left me considering our mortality. In my case Cancer took her out of my life.
From the diagnoses to the end of our acquaintanceship was a mere week. In my case the person was someone whom I knew, and had known for over thirty years.
I understand your anger with Dave and the feeling of, shall I say, guilt for not standing up for her at your last meeting.
I found nothing in the construction or use of words that need comment. I do suggest that you space your paragraphs at least two lines apart. As it is now constructed,it is a little awkward to read with the paragraphs butted up so closely to one another.
I noticed you used italics on friendly and friends. I suggest you either use friendly as a total non-italicized word or use quotes if you feel the need to emphasize the word.
Bear in mind I am neither a Grammarian, nor an expert in punctuation. I hope you will continue to write, and I hope the thoughts conveyed do not cause you to lose sleep.
The truth is,life is a terminal illness. Sad but true. Too bad Holly could not combat her anorexia and survive to brighten Clark the Clerk's life a bit longer.
The piece is well constructed, insightful and well worth the 'read' for all of us.
Thanks for sharing this slice of your life, if, in fact it is so. Again well done and thanks for writing it!
Except for the fact that you never mention HOW he could use his feet for hands, I found it suitable for kids and enjoyed it.
I might have changed the first sentence to read: "This story is about a boy named Tad. Tad was quite the unusual lad." [...]
Bear in mind that I am merely a 'reader' and have no intention to say change your story, or the way you have written it. My comment on the first sentence/Paragraph just scans a little better in my never humble opinion (Grin)
I hope you write more about Tad, and his unique ways. This little bit is entertaining to all ages, but seems just a little unfinished. I'm sure you could say a lot more about Tad and his decision to walk on his hands and 'use his feet' as hands!
Captain Jones stood upon the forecastle of the Narcissus, (on would better suit the opening. Upon is a little ponderous)
out of ‘em. It was eternity (ellipses instead of a period would indicate a thoughtful pause in his tale and be a bit more 'haunting')
Clive stopped and slowly turned, like a ship coming about. (stopped and, turned to look back at Jeremiah. ?)
Must do so to keep up her crew, souls condemned to sail for eternity wi’out e’er seeing port.” (Must do so to keep up her crew. Souls condemned etc. ?)
The mist had become so thick, that Clive’s eyes were no longer visible. (had closed in so thickly that Clive's eyes were no longer visible. ?)
view by the milky haze of mist. (you already said it was so thick Clive's face was close to, if not, invisible. [...]by the thick haze of mist[...] or thick fog ?)
The smell increased in intensity and seemed to thicken in the muggy atmosphere (you might try odor or aroma in one or two of the places you are using 'smell')
the unmistakable gentle rushing sound of a hull (the unmistakable sound of ?)
The sound of the other ship’s hull, invisible through the mist, (passage ?came even with[...])
“God save us!” someone moaned a few stations back. Jeremiah wanted more than anything to cry out and give in to the terror, to run below decks and hide in the hold from the horrible thing which was passing by. Instead he gritted his teeth and pulled even harder. The Narcissus continued to creep forward under the weakening power of the men at the sweeps.
Very soon, the ominous sound of the other ship began to fade into the ship’s quarter. Jeremiah thought he imagined the horrible smell lessening, but soon it faded as well. His breath came easier, as if liberated from the choking wetness around him. The light of the moon seemed to rise a bit as the sound of the other ship faded away.
(these two paragraphs could be tightened up a little, I think)
Around them, the Narcissus slowly became visible as the mist evaporated. Jeremiah could see the Captain standing on the forecastle, his head tilted upward to gauge the visibility of the rigging above. (unless taking the place of the foreward lookout the Captain would most likely be at/on the quarterdeck or at the wheel. From there he could see the entire ship and the sails. )
Jeremiah didn’t answer. As the last of the mist faded away, the moonlight now shone fully on the still form on deck. (the sound of a body falling came from the hold. You might indicate the 'deck of the hold'. As written it reads as though Clive's body materialized on deck. On deck usually means the main deck of the ship under discussion)
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deleerious
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 1:44pm on Apr 18, 2024 via server web2.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "