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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/deswy
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69 Public Reviews Given
71 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I am honest about what I think about a person's writing; if, for example, you write a story that is spot on awesome, I will tell you so..if it needs work, I will point out what you might do to make it better. I believe a writer can only improve his or her craft by constructive criticism. In my own creations I encourage others to tell me my weaknesses and how I can improve on these, so I will do the same for you.
I'm good at...
I'm good at immersing myself in what I'm reading, giving it my full attention. I look for grammar, tense, spelling and punctuation errors, just as an editor would if you were to publish what you write. I look for consistency. You will get truthful praise on a good creation, and suggestions if your work is weak.
Favorite Genres
Horror is my favorite genre, followed by just about anything else.
Least Favorite Genres
haiku
Favorite Item Types
Horror, dark, thought-provoking stories, poetry and prose.
Least Favorite Item Types
To be announced....
I will not review...
I'll review anything. If you want an honest opinion, just submit your story, essay, poetry, prose or article and I'll be happy to review it.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Deswy
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a beautiful spiritual piece, but although beautiful and well written, there are many spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors. I will point them out to you.

“”Why are you here with your beautiful blue eyes and red hair?” God said. This should read: "Why are you here with your beautiful blue eyes and red hair?" God asked.

“I know, dear little Snow. I know you wonder how you can talk to me and you just a wee little babe. The mysteries of the world are not revealed until the end. It’s a secret we can share it’s because My Son loves the little children just like the song: red and yellow, black and white they are precious in My site.” Take my hand, little Snow and you can see your Great Grandfather, Buster who loves you very much.” Hmmm. Okay. Here it is corrected: "I know, dear little Snow. I know you wonder how you can talk to me, and your still just a wee little babe. The mysteries of the world are not revealed until the end. It's a secret we can share. It's because My Son loves the little children just like the song you've heard. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in My sight. Take my hand, little Snow, and you can see your great-grandfather, Buster, who loves you very much"

"Navaeh took God’s hand and followed Him down a long road as white as her snowy white skin, her big blue eyes curious to what she would see. She wondered why she felt no pain in her body but her mind cried for her young Mother she favored so much. Snow looked down from her body and saw Adrian resting across the bottom of her bed. Praying for God to do something." It would be more effective if you wrote: She wondered why she felt no pain. Her mind cried for her young mother, Adrian, whom she loved so much. Snow looked down from Heaven and saw Adrian frieving at the bottom of her hospital bed, praying for God to do something to save her.

"Snow looked up and there was her grandfather with open arms. “Come to me little Snow and sit on grandpa’s lap. God has let me watch from above to see your birth and to be your guardian angel during this time. His plans we don’t know, my love for you is eternal just like heaven. Let me look at you. My, my, you look like my little girl, Shelia. You are indeed beautiful and so much Armstrong blood in you. Have you seen the love of my life, Del, your precious grandmother I love so much?”" Here you go...."His plans we don't know, and my love for you is as eternal as Heaven itself. Let me look at you; my, my, you look just like my little girl, Shelia." Notice the sentence structure and punctuation to make a short stop.

"“Grandpa, I love you so much. I will tell Mama that I visited with you. I’m glad God introduced me to you. I have to go back and stay at the hospital until God calls me home. Please wait for me, Grandpa, for I don’t want to be alone. I want to be in heaven with you but my poor mama is grieving.”" This should be: Please wait for me , Grandpa, because I don't want to be alone.

“Grandpa understands, little Snow. It’s hard to leave your loved ones as it was for me. Look at my big hands compared to your little hands. I will wait for you on the other side. I’ll hold you tight so you won’t be frightened. Follow me and I’ll show you the promise land that God has made for us. We will look down upon our family below and be with them until we meet again. In the meantime, remember you’ve met grandpa and I love you very much. Go back now and calm your Mom she will feel God’s spirit flow though her and then will she be at peace to let you go.” Okay, just listen to this suggestion because you have punctuation errors here: "Grandpa understands, little Snow. It's hard to leave your loved ones, just as it was for me. Look at my big hands compared to your little hands. I will wait for you on the Other Side (a note here: Other Side is capitalized because it's, well, Heaven.) I'll hold you tight so you won't be frightened . Follow me and I'll show you the Promised Land (again, this is Heaven, so you need to capitalize again) that God has made for us. We will look down upon our family below and be with them until it's their time to join us. Remember me, and that I love you very much. Now you must go back to your hospital room to calm your mother. She will feel God's spirit flow through her, and she will be at peace to let you go."

That said, keep writing, and don't forget to read and re-read your work before you finalize it. Good job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love the way you caught my attention. You use of the unexpected works well. I thoroughly enjoyed this short piece of fiction. It would work well as the scene of a screenplay.

I found absolutely no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation. This is very well written, and I wish you would elaborate on the particular situation by working it into a larger story, it might work to your advantage.

You have no problem with character description whatsoever. I could picture this girl in my mind perfectly.

Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

Smee,

I have to say this is SUCH a good read! The author's anguish at his sustained writer's block, his emotions, and his reactions were well played out. Then there's the ink. I can imagine the ink spreading in a pool that gets larger and larger, even though the amount of ink spilled was NOT that large an amount. The "glint" of gold that lured him in was a good touch.

He wakes to find himself in a conundrum; he is in a strange place, wearing different clothes, barefoot ( his feet filthy as if he walked miles in mud ). A candle rests upon a small barrel set on the stone floor and he notices a quill hanging from his neck by string, as if it's a necklace....then he hears a loud crash and an angered voice in a language he did not recognize. A second, anxious voice tells him to blow out the candle....

I like this. I keep thinking I'm Sej and that I've woken up in a Jewish safehouse during WW II, or in a concentration camp.

I've no idea where your going to take this story next but I'm SO ready to read it!

Excellent job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of Red  
Review by Deswy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh my God ... what can I say except to say, honestly, frankly ... that this is wonderfully done! You've taken the color and breathed life into it, describing not only its attributes in every instance but allowing you to SEE it, to feel it. The last verse brings it all together, and you really end it in a fantastic way.

I can find no problems, grammatically or otherwise; punctuation is spot-on!

Excellent job!!!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Nice. Let's see: by your description I would think that perhaps the area you're talking about might be Navasink? Lot's of old houses, posh houses, with plenty of room. You really sound as if you're writing from a personal experience with the supernatural. The Jersey Shore, well, all of New Jersey, actually, seems rich with spirit activity. And you know what they say about water; activity tends to strengthen near rivers, ponds and lakes.

I could not see any errors whatsoever.

Well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I never set a passcode, which is why I'm wondering why the reader wasn't able to access my writing. I went into my account options and found nothing.
7
7
Review by Deswy
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ah, the common nursery rhyme, restructured for the modern world. It's quite clever, really; I never would have thought up such a thing.
I could not find anything at all to wag my finger at; your punctuation and grammar are perfect.

It is a bit long, however, and got a bit tedious towards the end ( I only had one cup of coffee thus far, and I'm running out of steam ) so you might consider splitting it; in other words, do up half of the poem as "The New Yorkshire Times, Part One", then continue with "The New Yorshire Times, Part Two". This is only a suggestion, nothing more.

Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of I Wonder  
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was an interesting bit of prose. I interpreted it as a friend or family member, sought out yet again to listen to someone else's rant (or problem), decided to act as if her (or she) was not home. The intended listener just tired of hearing this person's complaints or woes. However, no matter how badly he (or she) wanted to avoid contact with that individual, the question still remained: "What if?"

Nicely written, perfect format, no errors in grammar, punctuation or format.
9
9
Review of Loneliness...  
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Mahlyenki,

What can I say but that I love the way you describe loneliness and depression. I've been there myself a million times (and I think it's safe to say that most people have at some point in their lives). You know, loneliness is a terrible thing; you feel separated from the rest of the world. Nobody acknowledges you, you feel as if you're invisible.

You know it's dangerous to dwell on that emotion, or lack of it. The more you try to rationalize, the worse the depression gets.

I found nothing to be critical of in this piece; everything, including your spelling and grammar, is done quite well.

Bravo!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of The Old Man  
Review by Deswy
Rated: E | (3.5)
"The only thing that Matt wanted to change so far was the weather, it was really cold." Just a suggestion: try "The only thing Matt would change was the frigid weather."

"I wish we had more time to enjoy the landscape, but," grabbing Matt by his left arm "we have business to do" Dave said in a serious tone. pulling Matt towards the Airport entrance; ruining Matt's moment while he studied the landscape. "Grabbing Matt by his left arm, Dave (try to give a description of Dave at this point), in a serious tone, said, "I wish we had more time to enjoy the landscape, but we have business to attend to, " and pulled him towards the airport's entrance.

"As soon as he got into the Hotel Room he decided to take a hot and long shower and prepare some details of his presentation to have everything ready and avoid missing one of those Critical Facts as his father used to call everything regarding the financial situation and stocks of the company, he likes to double-check and triple-check everything before a presentation since he is afraid of skipping some important points during the company meetings (thing that never happened before), he had to make a big change from being the son of the Founder of a big corporation and taking his position in the company when his health was not good enough to keep him alive, not sure about what he was going to wear, having a hard time in front of the mirror choosing the perfect suit, he could admire how he have changed, always 5.9 feet tall but he looks slender now for all the weight he lost, even the anchor tattoo on his chest looks smaller, once he chose "the right" suit, he got out of the room. Everyone was already there by the time he entered the conference room and he opened the session without losing any time. Some hours passed after he started the presentation, it was terrific. After setting the expectations for this upcoming year and a clear vision of what they are going to do with the alliances formed between the American and Icelandic industry they all though that the meeting was a clear success." This is a really long and tedious sentence. Shouldn't he be they, and if not, who is the subject of this paragraph, Matt or Dave? I didn't grasp that the subject was Matt until the fifth paragraph.

When you talk about Matt's dad's ideas, you should incorporate them into the story in such a way that it doesn't lose it's power in the paragraph. Matt's father's ideas of critical checks and so on just weigh the paragraph down. Try to change it so it keeps the reader's interest. A lot of people aren't business-savy. I know I'm not...and the whole essence of the story began to lose my interest back at the hotel.

You have several punctuation errors....not a big deal, but I'm a perfectionist, or, at least, try to be....especially in my own work.

I give you an "A" for "effort".....this is just friendly criticism.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Jeb  
Review by Deswy
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is good, almost a limerick....

The first stanza has an awesome rhythm to it, but the second seems a little out of sync. Hmmm. Maybe "Deb, also dead and led by a sled.....found Jeb sitting by a shed. The two were wed....happily ever after-dead. ?

I love the idea. Poetry is not always easy; there seems to be a million ways to write them. Good job, though. Keep those zombies coming!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Okay. I can respect your mind-set. I myself was baptized in the Armenian Apostolic Church, and raised as a Christian. Over time, especially given the fact that I could hear and see things others couldn't (spirits), had extremely prophetic lucid dreams and experienced what appeared to be past life memories, I began to question a lot of things I was being taught. Not that I didn't believe in God, mind you....just that I believed there was more than one way of believing and worshiping the Creator. I kept having visions of ancient Egypt and great temples, being IN a palace, not as a spectator but as a part of that family. I started these when I was very young, even before I knew what an Egyptian was (I learned all that later in Sunday School).

I became Wiccan in 1995.....part of the Temple of Light in Bayonne, which was Kemetic Wiccan. I now follow the Kemetic Orthodox tradition, and am a Shemsu. I still believe in the Creator (we call him Tem, Ausar, but most of the time, we call him Netjer. This is the religion I feel is right, not by birthright alone ( I am Egyptian/Armenian on my mother's side, and German on my father's), but by the FEEL of it.

I was taught long ago to respect other people's religions, even if I did not agree with them. I honestly understand your point of view on a lot of issues, well, not EXACTLY issues, but conflicts that you had in both the Catholic and Christian beliefs. Like many religions, they vary in the amount of intensity from follower to follower or sect to sect. Your collision with female/male role mindset is an example of that.

Your writing is well thought out and very well written, in my opinion. I found no grammatical errors to speak of. Punctuation was perfect. You spoke your mind, and I like that.

Very well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review by Deswy
Rated: E | (3.0)
Okay, you're a little weak grammatically in some areas of this essay. Please don't be put off by this comment; I feel strongly that we all need improvement in our craft, and to have one's mistakes pointed out by another can only help to that end.

Your first paragraph: I know what you’re thinking, “I’m here in Writing.com, looking for a story or poem or at least something to get me out of my boredom, and then I see this little title that says The Meaning of Life, like what kind of information will this guy give me that I don’t know yet? What kind of mysteries and secrets does this author thinks he has about my way of life?”. It could be improved in this manner: I know what you're thinking: "I'm here on Writing.com searching for a story or poem...something that will coax me from my boredom." Suddenly you come across a little title..."The Meaning of Life"...and wonder what sort of information does this author have that might improve my life?"

There's a big difference in the idea that paragraph conveys.

Your second paragraph is good, but punctuation needs to be improved: " Let me tell you this dear reader. I’m not a philosopher, I’m not enlightened, I didn’t have to study in the tall mountains of Tibet for fifty years. I’m just trying to get across a message that I think will be interesting for a few people to know. The title sounds way over-the-top well yes I must say that even I think it is, but I couldn’t think of something better so that will do for now." Try putting a comma between "this" and "dear" in the first sentence. Perhaps you should put include quote marks before and after over-the-top so it reads "over-the-top" and then put another comma after "well" and again after "yes" and again after better.

Third paragraph: "But well, I’m rambling more than I should right now. The message I’m trying to get across, is that we as a human race, are always trying to find some kind of deep and meaningful significance to our existence. Questions like, “Why we are here”, “What is our mission in this life”, “Where do we come from”, and “What is the next step?" " is almost perfect. The idea is great...but again the punctuation is a little off. Try this on for size: But, well, I'm rambling a bit more than I should. The message I'm trying to get across is this: that we as a human race are always trying to find some kind of deep and significant meaning to our existence. We are constantly asking questions like, "Why are we here?", "What is our mission in this life" and, "Where do we come from?"

Paragraph four, again, has punctuation issues. "The thing, is that our existence, our presence on this planet we call Earth, is just a mere coincidence. That’s it. We are just something that came to pass by nature itself. Now now, before you go down the Review Block writing things like “You are a liar, an idiot and you shouldn’t think those kinds of things, God has a plan for everyone, or Allah, or Jehovah, or Buddha, or [Insert deity’s name here]” " Here we go: The thing is, our existence, our presence on this planet we call Earth, is just a mere coincidence. That's it. We are just something that came to pass by the grace of Nature itself. Not think about this before you go down to the "Review" block, writing things.........." Get the idea?

The list of punctuation errors, and the way you get your idea across goes on and on. Read through your work again, aloud, if you must. You'll see the way you say it, and improve upon it.

Sorry if I come across as a bit harsh....I don't mean to. I'm just trying to get you to see it in your mind.

I'm here if you need me again.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review of Un-Fair  
Review by Deswy
Rated: 18+
Ha, ha....very nicely done. It was honest, full of visuals that made me think back to when I was in high school. I'm not going to tell you when that was...((gasp)). You had only one spelling error: councillor should be "councelor". Other than that, a perfect read.

You made it extremely believable...so much so that I would almost venture to say it's a true story. You kept my interest from the beginning, and it never faltered.

I'd truly love to see more of your work.

Bravo!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review of Raven Child  
Review by Deswy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ahhh....this story was right up my alley! Perfect!

You would do the Master proud, were Poe here to read it ( and I'm sure that he's here somewhere...I don't doubt it for a moment ). I thoroughly enjoyed it. Very macabre little tale this. You really have a great sense of how to cook it up and dish it out, a little at a time, as not to spoil the appetite.

You had absolutely no spelling or grammatical errors. You did call a raven a "rave" here:... "Another rave flew in and landed the doorway, regarding Emmy through its merciless eyes."...but I imagine that was done on purpose (a friend of mine used to call me "Rave"...short for Raven...perfecty fine, by the way).

I really think you did an outstanding job!

Bravo!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
Review by Deswy
Rated: E | (1.0)
I always give an honest review; if your story is awesome I'll tell you so, and if it's weak, I won't mince words. That being said, I think you need to look over your creation. I've found a lot of grammatical and spelling errors, and the structure could use some work as well. I'll point these out.
Your first line: "From the moment she stepped off of the Boeing 747 in Colombia, Ellie began uncomfortably sweating profusely.... " is rough. Ellie began to sweat profusely, making her feel uncomfortable...is a much smoother read.
"The climate change from a rainy summer in England to a stifling hot summer in Colombia was something she drastically underestimated – initially feeling excited about the weather change and now not so much." Read this out loud. You could make it far more interesting by writing this: She drastically underestimated the change in climate; she hadn't expected Columbia to be so stifling hot in the summer. Summer in England, though comfortable, had been terribly wet. Do you see the difference?
"She was to meet someone she would be spending an abundant amount of time with in the very near future. Their first impression of her would be a sweaty, slightly nervous mess. Then there was the fact that Roary McKenna would be hovering around, looking over her – could it be much worse?" Hmmmm.
I have to be honest, Heather, I could pull the whole story apart, piece by piece. "Taunt" means to heckle someone....you meant "taut" which, defined, means "tight". You make one sentence paragraphs. This is NOT a good thing to do. Structure, good description and meaningful, well-written paragraphs will draw a reader in; what you have written would provoke him to simply put it down for lack of interest. While it's great that you're submitting what you've written, you need to remember to be creative and color a picture using more than one sentence or two in each paragraph. We have absolutely no clue what Ellie looks like, exactly why she traveled all the way from England to Columbia, or why Roary McKenna was the thorn in her side. And Toby...chance encounters are great, but if not, we need to know in the beginning of the story the why's and where's.
I don't want you to stop writing, I would love to see you become more proficient in what you write. Don't be angry with me; the purpose of a review is to praise when praise is warranted, and to give constructive criticism when it's not.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
Review of Here  
Review by Deswy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Oleksander. I've got to tell you that you've painted the feeling in my mind of...hmmm....what's a good way to put this....of what it's like to completely and utterly fall in love with someone. To find your soul mate...after eons of drifting apart from eachother..."I want to be with you , like the way the ocean is with the moon at night - rhythmic and powerful" is good...I think I get the idea about the tide and surf, the crashing of the waves against the shoreline, being controlled by the moon's lunar pull...I like this...but one question: how does that make stars out of stars out of stars of each other? Are you referring to the endless cosmos? How can you pull that idea out and make it better....? Just a suggestion.

The second paragraph is awesome! Don't change anything...the idea is impressionable. The third, however....look at it and tell me....you can love so completely that it's hard to breathe when you're near that person...but you don't actually suffocate with their name. "Risking old age with memory to know that we are here now, together".....that's an awkward thought...would you risk memories in your old age? That part is just strange...you should think about this last line and reconsider your words. I know where you're coming from, it's just the selection of words..well...the selection of words could be changed to express how you would go into old age happy with the knowledge that you are together now...I don't know, is that the point you're trying to get across in that last sentence?

Overall, a great concept, it just needs a little more work....but your idea blew me out of the water!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
18
18
Review of In the Beginning  
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Two by Four...what can I say but...nicely done! It's a very original idea, something I would never have thought up in a million years (and really, isn't that the time frame we're speaking of?) and it's very concept, told as a night-time tale to children before their bedtime is precious! This is true genius!

I love the originality of the characters' names....and the way you go about depicting everything places me right in the midst of the story. I feel like a wide-eyed child listening to my father telling me an impossible tale that I would embrace as totally believable, just like the tale of the Boogie Man or Sand Man...a tale that would leave me enthralled but, after the tale was done and the lights turned off and the door closed ( "NO, DADDY, NO! Leave the door open a little please, so the light comes in! I'm scared!"), I'd be petrified enough to hide under the covers, afraid to look in the direction of my closet door.

Well done! Don't change a thing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
Review of Three Little Pigs  
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh, I TRULY love this! A nice little tale of the wolf's side of things....! It's well-written, well-thought, and wow.....had me rolling on the floor! I really enjoyed Wolfy's tale: how he was on his way to Red's grandmother's house when he smelled smoke and went to the rescue of two little pigs, only to have them refuse his help. I know, I know...if they weren't so stubborn they would still be alive now! And that cannibal piggy...are you sure he isn't related to Hannibal Lecter?

Great job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
20
20
Review of Land Mine  
Review by Deswy
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Very, very good...awesome, really. You put in words what I've felt many times when someone's really gone way too far. The imagery is perfect. Your grammar, perfect. I think that, to read this prose is to feel that extreme anger you must have felt when you put pen to paper...or in this case, fingers to keyboard. Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
21
21
Review by Deswy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, EvilDawg. Thought I'd drop by and have a look at this short story.
It's pretty good. A vampire haven visited, mistakenly, by a regular, somewhat low-key man and his girl, who, unbeknownst to him, is a witch. Put in the elements of what promises to be a bar-room brawl by bikers with a bite who have absolutely no idea who they've picked a fight with, and voila! Nicely done.
Dialogue is one area where I myself have had...problems...with. You've done it right. Well done.
There is one thing, however, that you may want to consider: Try making the title of your story fit the idea of the story better. I know, I know; I struggle with this too. The concept of the story is conveyed by the title. There's nothing worse than writing something and coming up with a title that's not cliche or lame. It's definitely not an easy task.
Over all, I think you've done very well. Keep up the good work. I look forward to seeing more of your ideas.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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