I like it at is. It has feeling - of the moment. It's alive with doubt.
If you can leave it as it is, I'd be happy. But that's not my call.
If you're going to include it in a larger work, then do it elsewhere - you'll have more control of your presentation.
Reading is a visual medium, take advantage of it.
As I read, I review. It's how I operate in my comfort zone. So I apologise in advance for my faux pas.
I do several passes. Maybe not for you.
You've grabbed me already. I will always be on the side of an author who lets me feel the story from the beginning. You've done that.
Instead of telling, describing the characters, you've allowed me the reader, to input my own images to imbue and enhance your story. Now that's clever. I try to do that with my own vignettes. I call it 'Painting with Words'.
Let's get down and dusty and see what you've written.
First off, you've got a huge gap at the end of your story. Go back and edit it out. I know, WdC is quite something to manage, do this and you'll gain confidence. I promise.
I think big dog should be capitalised: 'BigDog'. It's used an exclamation of recognition by members. It's a Title earned in the group.
Keep a watch on your capitalization. You've slipped 'pops' instead of keeping 'Pops' going. 'Pops' is a person don't let him slip by you and vanish.
I think there's a word missing here: "make sure carve out some time for yourself in all of this madness."
I'm only a little way in to this story, but I'm really liking it; your characters are developing well. I can see them. That's a huge bonus, to me the reader. The tension is leveled, though increasing and I can feel it. This is exactly how you hook your readers into your story. Well done!
I'm sorry to say I'm skimmed the rest of the story - not because of it being boring. It wasn't. My old eyes just decided to call it quits. I'm so sorry.
I thinks this deserves a 5 anyway. Eyes or no eyes.
Just having a quick skim on the first pass and I see one or two phrases which may slow down the reader. Or, aren't really necessary - like " that had been" in the first paragraph.
I'm part the way through and am thoroughly enjoying the story. You've grabbed and hooked me into it.
Once you've set the characters - they are real to me. I can see the boys.
I found a typo. I'm like that, so don't be offended, ok? "From the upper widow shined a light." See it?
I think there may be a missing word here: "Dalton seen enough."
A small spelling error here. Try (They're) "“Someone who doesn’t fight back when 'their' getting the crap beat out of ‘em, apparently."
There are a few more 'Their' versus 'They're' in the story.
My overall impression of your story and of you is:
You're a damn fine writer and this is a really good story. You draw the reader in straight away. You know how to 'hook' the reader and you know how to lead them.
You also know how to end at the right time.
It is way too good not to fix those minor adjustments I brought up.
Nice twist at the end. Skillful.
Can't say too much otherwise I'll spoil it for the next reader.
I'm giving it 5 as I know you'll fix the fixes I pointed out.
Thank you for letting me read it. It was really worth my time.
What I look for is balance, style, continuity and a good story. I read more than I write.
First off, thank you for writing this piece. I know how hard it is to soften the stone of writing. I know how hard it is to put up something for the public to see. I also know how it feels when there's not one comment on your story.
As I'm a little old lady, I've made this template to help me, not you. If any of the colours irritate you, then you'll just have to live with them. They're for me, not you.
Now, let's get to your story *Smile*
GOOD STORY: Oh yes it is, Bob. I saw the trail, the suffering.
STYLE: A beautiful rhyming poem
BALANCE: I felt a minor hiccup, but that could be just me.
COMMENTS: I felt it could be longer, more telling of the soldiers. However, I'm not a poet. You knew how to end the poetry, leaving the reader to want more. You painted with words. Thank you.
I respect your experience as related by you. I think you did a really good write here. I did find it difficult to read, only because my eyes are poor and huge chunks of text without paragraphing make my eyes blur on the lines.
I liked it, it has body and style; it does need editing and tidying up a bit.
I enjoyed it tremendously, I felt I was on the sidelines cheering the "away" team. It flowed with a fast pace and never let up. Your characters were well rounded and believable. You've got the turkeys pretty right, and they are worse than chooks to catch. I buy my turkey courtesy of the nearest Coles or Woolies, I'm not daft.
Thanks for the funniest story I've read for ages.
Lis
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is a thoughtful, well constructed essay. There serious questions posed for the reader to consider. It is almost criminal to deny the young reader the freedom to grow through reading what piques his or her curiosity. I notice you mentioned the "Goosebumps" series. I used to run a bookshop here in Australia, and at first I was reluctant to promote this series. Then I found children coming in and picking them off the shelves. Children who rarely read books, began buying them. As they grew older, they sought more meaningful works. Most became avid readers, driving me crazy in the end. All from "Goosebumps!"
The question I get from your item is, "How do we protect our children, yet give them the 'ammunition' to cope with life as an adult."
One final thought for you, and a question from me.
"Why are Americans called "African Americans? Aren't you all ONE under the same flag, indivisible?
Lis
This is quite beautiful, Sue. It really is a quilt and I could see it before me. It is tight, allowing the reader to paint their own mind picture. You chose your words with care, as a painter chooses his colours. It was a pleasure to read.
Keep writing,
Regards,
Lis
This is a beautiful piece that you have written. I would suggest that you change 'other' to 'short story' and in the drop boxes use different words, e.g. emotional, etc.,
it will help your item gain wider exposure on the site.
I enjoyed the item, it affected me and involved me, altogether a very well written, I think,'short story.'
Keep on writing, I'll be back to read some new ones soon.
Regards,
LIS
ps If you need any help, just knock.
Lady Gemini, I liked your poem. There was feeling and rhythm in it. It is a short, terse poem which I feel is the way you wanted it to be. There is a 'typo' in the fourth verse, we all do this from time to time.
The 4 stars is no reflection on your ability as a poet; I have a feeling that you may be able to express more in a different form, even trying a "hybrid" version.
The theme of your poem is such a sensitive area, and you have portrayed it well, with dignity.
Thank you.
This only my opinion on your item, but I wanted you to know that I did appreciate it
LIS
This is an extremely well written article, Tim.
It was interesting and it flowed well. I applaud your ethics as well.
I found two words that may need an edit:
Paragraph one: should 'choose' be 'chose'?
Paragraph three: 'an' few xrays - 'a'
I really liked this piece.
I'm returning your auto reward GPs, it was a pleasure to read it.
Write on!
LIS
Beautiful imagery. A salute to your child, filled with love and wondering.
It takes a person with true spirit to relfect their child so delicately, yet with such meaning.
Keep writing,
LIS
A truly beautiful essay. I appreciate the window into your feelings about writing, how it affects and completes you.
This is just a thought to consider; as this site is a visual medium as well, putting a couple of spaces between paragraphs could make it easier on the eyes.
You write extremely well and I shall be back often.
I hope you get the upgrade that you need and deserve, Charlene.
Never give up.
LIS
I liked this, I really did. You created pictures in my mind. I'm keen on imagery. This is only a suggestion: if you put a space between paragraphs, it makes it a little easier for the reader, and it slows the reader down a bit to the pace of the story. Another suggestion, if you use words with fewer syllables, the story is less clogged in the readers mind.
It is a lovely gentle story of a father and his daughters.
Keep on writing, I'll come back and check out port again. Welcome aboard the WDC!
Regards,
LIS
I seldom use a '5'. I have been here three times now, each time, turning away because I cannot review it. I have decided to try, though I cannot be distanced, objective or however else a reviewer is supposed to be.
Your account draws me back and each time I am affected by you courage, your love for your family and the quiet heartbreak you suffer.
It is poignant, direct, factual and full of quiet emotion.
Thank you, I am in your debt.
LIS
A beautiful economy of words conveyed the story quite exquisitely. I was drawn in completely, I scarcely drew breath. It was a privelige to read this. Strong characterisation, the woman became a three dimensional, living person to me. Such a powerful, very shor story.
Regards,
LIS
If there were more points to give, I would have given you 6.5 on the rating game.
What I really want to know is, have you been watching my cat? Tiga, looks and acts like Garfield, though he weighs more.
This is not a real review, more a 'knee-jerk-reaction!
Write on!
LIS.
You are in great danger of receiving emails loaded with 'Ham' puns, and you deserve them!
This is pure fun and a delight to read. I think I will look at my slightly stale sandwich, with new eyes!
I am pleased that you ended up enjoying your lunch.
Don't stop writing!
LIS.
This, I think is not a true review, more a response to the feelings so eloquently expressed by you.
No, you are not a hermit. You are where you want to be, where you are most comfortable at this point in time. All things pass, including WDC; you are happy here, stay here and bide your time. Another priority will appear and WDC will always be a fond memory; tucked within your deepest place; but it will be a memory.
LIS.
You wrote this well. You kept me in the present, with your characters. You did not load up your short with too many characters. Your sense of dialogue is very good. there is a contest on WDC for dialogue only. It can be a challenge.
Welcome to WDC, it's a lot of fun and there's so much going on, there is a happy place for everyone.
Regards,
LIS.
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