*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drache
Review Requests: OFF
30 Public Reviews Given
38 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of RIVALRY  
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Um...yeah. OK.
My initial impressions: first, it's short. Very short. It may have been intended that way (for a flash writing contest, for example). As such, it only gives impressions and implies certain things, leaving the interpretation to the reader. Again, it may have been intended, but it seems to me to be too short. In particular, this line:
"And in the chaos, Chief Mundi flees."
is followed two sentences later with this:
"Removing his prized trophy from a leather strap around his neck and holding it in the palm of his hand, he smiles."
The implication is that the trophy referred to is Chief Mundi's head. But, if Chief Mundi fled, how did Chief Kapanga get his head? This needs to be explained better.
Also, Chief Mundi seems to be a complete idiot. Either that, or Chief Kepanga is seriously violating tribal tradition. After all, if there is a tradition that a marriage celebration is held at the bride's village, surely there is another tradition that says "don't murder your wedding guests".
Technically, I see no spelling or grammar mistakes. Other than the tripping up at the end, it flowed as well as could be for such a short sketch.
Overall, a solid work. Thank you for the chance to read and review.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
An enjoyable little vignette, amusing even as it depicts terrifying events.

This was a pretty simple plot, but it was told in a skillful manner. The action flowed nicely, with no unnecessary slowing down.

The third person worked quite well. So did the metaphors. I especially liked:
"and knew for an absolute fact that the sound was definitely not – unequivocally not – the thunderous footsteps of a giant lizard of any kind. It was ridiculous... right?"
Also:
"Kyle considered running. Or rather, his brain considered running. His feet elected to stay put."

The setting were described just enough without bogging down in detail.

Both characters (the monster doesn't really count) are presented in a believable manner (relatively, given the genre). Their dialogue also makes sense, given what we know of them.


I do have one minor issue. It is with this line:
""Is it me?" he said to Kyle. "Is there something about me? Why must I be victim of so much shoddy craftsmanship?""

The first time I read that, I thought it was Kyle speaking, not Michael. Reading it again, it's clear, but I tripped over it the first time. Perhaps rewrite it as:
"Is it me?"the man said to Kyle. "Is there something about me? Why must I be victim of so much shoddy craftsmanship?"

Overall, a well done story, and very enjoyable to read.

I hope this review has been helpful. I look forward to reading more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
An interesting slice of life, and karmic comeuppance for a thoroughly distasteful protagonist. A nice balance of exposition and action. All in all, a solid piece of writing.

There are a few areas for improvement, however:

”Okay,” growled Captain Prell. “Let’s get us some glory, a few more scars, and some strong and healthy slaves.”

This passage goes over the top. You have already established the Pern as a race of slaver bullies. Why push it that much in our faces?

the glory point Prell had spoken of before was mute,

This is a very unclear passage. Glory point? Why call it a "point"? Also, the last word doesn't make sense. Did you mean "moot" here?

As the Pern raiding party, which now numbered six with the loss of Brid moved closer to the settlement,

There seems to be a comma missing between "Bird" and "moved", thus:
"As the Pern raiding party, which now numbered six with the loss of Brid, moved closer to the settlement,"

The last thing Captain Prell saw, was a sight that could make even a Pern’s blood run cold as the rest of the villagers entered the clearing.

This sentence isn't as effective as it could be. That's bad, because it's the climax of the story. By the time we get to "the rest of the villagers entered the clearing", it has gone on so long it's lost its power. Perhaps move the entry of the villagers to earlier in the sentence, thus:
"The last thing Captain Prell saw was the rest of the villagers entering the clearing, a sight that could make even a Pern’s blood run cold."

Actually, I don't like that either. This sentence needs to be punched up somehow. How about:
"The last thing Captain Prell saw was a flood of angry villagers entering the clearing, a sight that made even the Pern ship captain’s blood run cold."

Anyway, a good solid story, and a great twist at the end.

I hope this review has been helpful to you. I look forward to reading more.
4
4
Review of Deus ex Machina  
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a disturbing and thought-provoking piece, which is what I imagine you intended.

There really isn't much plot; what there is is mostly told by the protagonist to the audience. For this type of story, it's very effective.

The protagonist is well-drawn. Given its nature, it's hard to convey any sense of character to the protagonist, but you manage it nicely.

The only things I see wrong are a few grammar issues. The story is written in British English, and I am an American, so some of this may be attributed to those differences. Nonetheless, here goes:

network of thought process they used,

Shouldn't "process" be pluralized here? So: "network of thought processES they used"

An agonising decision for it was the decision to rule the world.

I would have put a comma before "for", like this: "An agonising decision, for it was the decision to rule the world." It reads more naturally that way.

21st century as predictive processor

Missing an "a" here: "21st century as A predictive processor"

liberated for I knew

Again, a missing comma: "liberated, for I knew"

In summary, an interesting, thought provoking story. Exactly what good science fiction is meant to be.

I hope this review has been helpful. I look forward to reading more.
5
5
Review of Endgame  
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This would make a wonderful introduction to a fantasy novel.

You describe the setting superbly, from the empty streets of the city to the moth-eaten canopy over the bed. The plot points were artfully drawn out, keeping you guessing what the next move was going to be. The characters were also drawn with skill; the two nobles verbally sparring, in contrast to the coarse, unkempt jailor.

The only editing I see that could be done is eliminating some redundant words. Some examples:
"A flickering candle provided the only illumination within the cramped little room." - you could eliminate "little" (or "cramped" but I think that would weaken the meaning).
"...but the gesture was oddly futile in the face of his visitor's calm, shadowed gaze." - again, you could eliminate "shadowed" without too much trouble.

I noticed two minor details that you may want to consider changing:
1) The word "hansom" to describe the carriage. Some people may not know what a "hansom" is.
2) "The bolt slid back noiselessly and the door creaked as he pushed it open..." - if the door was pushed open, wouldn't that mean the hinges are on the inside of the jail cell? Not an ideal place for them. Maybe he pulled the door open instead?

Otherwise, this is superbly written. Bravo!

I hope this review has been helpful to you. I look forward to reading more.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
6
6
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a unique and different perspective on such an important event, and very well told.

I especially liked how the hopes and dreams of the protagonist are portrayed. They are odd, but make sense from his(?) point of view. Also, you artfully kept the reader in suspense about what the protagonist really is. That's why I'm trying to word this review so that the surprise isn't ruined.

It was hard to find anything wrong with this piece. The only flaws are some very minor, nit-picky grammar and style issues. Specifically:
"There are no limits, I could be anything" - The comma should be a semicolon.
"My grandfather himself was proof of that." - "himself" seems redundant to me.
"...until one night. Having just been freshly cleaned,..." - I stumbled over this a little bit. Reading it over, it does work and is grammatical, but seemed slightly unclear.
"The child has surely grown, he is a full-grown man now, but I know it is he!" - The second phrase sounds repetitive. Do you need the word "grown" twice in the sentence?

Like I said, these are minor flaws in an otherwise beautiful piece. Well done!

I hope this review has been helpful. I look forward to reading more.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
7
7
Review of Bogie and Spence  
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: E | (4.5)
A well-described scene of old friends and last goodbyes. The descriptions are clear, with just enough detail to paint the picture without being ponderous. The depiction of Bogie is absolutely charming, which makes the ending of the story so much more poignant.
There are a couple of turns of phrase that are odd:
"Maybe that’s why Spence was always wanted to see him." - Some verb tense confusion here. I suggest "Maybe that's why Spence always wanted to see him." or "Maybe that's why Spence was always wanting to see him."
Also: "a child could’ve told that Bogie wasn’t well." This is less of a problem, but still a little odd. Maybe "a child could've seen that Bogie wasn't well." would be better.

Otherwise, a beautiful little piece.

I hope this review has been helpful. I look forward to reading more.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
8
8
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A well-told story of the ultimate sacrifice a parent unwillingly makes for their child. Poignant, tender and sad.

The descriptions are vivid and detailed. I especially liked:
"He said this with the familiar exasperation of those who must, on an hourly basis, explain the tangible world down to its very molecules while dealing with boogie men and imaginary friends along the way."
You make frequent use of colorful similes in this story, to great effect. For example:
"...like some genetic cross of flesh and rubber gone horribly wrong."
"...pushing reason aside like an aggressive old lady at a supermarket with a nearly expired coupon."
This one is an especially nice pun: "Heat waves shimmered above the roofs of hundreds of vehicles."

The story builds at a good pace, slowly at first, then frantically at the very end. I especially liked the twist of the doctor wanting to discuss something with Brandon, but waiting till Monday (an appointment that Brandon will, of course, never keep.) The final paragraph in particular was disturbingly effective.

The characters were believable, especially the five year old Julie constantly wandering off. They need a leash on that kid! *Smile* Brandon is beautifully portrayed as something of a nervous klutz. Shame on him trying to use a cell phone while driving and almost plowing into a dump truck!

There are a couple of minor flaws in this otherwise terrifying gem. Both seem to be missing words. One, "It wouldn’t be very hard on straight stretch of highway." seems to be missing an "a" between "on" and "straight". The other, "Brandon reflected that she seemed to already have inherited mother’s sarcastic wit." looks like its missing a "her" between "inherited" and "mother's".

Another odd detail that struck me: "...but the tide was coming in quick." They went to one of the Great Lakes, right? Are there tides on the Great Lakes?

Other than those, this is an excellent dark thriller, which oddly has a sweet side to it. Well done!

I hope this review has been helpful to you. I look forward to reading more of your work.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
9
9
Review of Rockabee  
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations! This is the first "5" rating I have ever given.

This is a wonderful little fable! From the first sentence, it carries you away, first to the Irish countryside, then to the town of Rockabee. Throughout, the imagery is superb. You manage to make the lives of the rocks that live in Rockabee so vibrant. I groaned and smiled at the same time when I read: "She made friends just like any other young stone, enjoyed the latest rock music,...". Brilliant pun there! Overall, this is a charming morality story.

However, I was uncomfortable with the obvious Christian parallels. Not being a Christian myself, I disagree with the overall message of the piece. This bit also concerned me: "The maiden looked up at Him from her knees, and she raised her arms above her head." Being someone who believes in equality of the sexes, the image of the woman on her knees in front of the man bothered me.

Having said that, in good conscience I cannot fault you for the message of the story, even if I disagree with it. So, judging strictly as a piece of writing, it has nothing I can find fault with, so it earns the highest score.

I hope this review has been helpful to you. I look forward to reading more of your work.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
10
10
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: E | (4.5)
I have not read the rest of the series yet. I wanted to approach these as if they were one long book. As such, some of the unexplained references I will overlook, assuming they will be explained in the rest of the series.

This is a well-done introduction to the world of Aura. It paints the basic picture of life in the city of Arc without going into too much exposition. I could see the battle in my mind clearly. The actions of Drax at the end of the fight say more about his character than anything else. His love of his wife comes through vividly. His emotions when she dies are particularly well expressed, like in this passage:
"Dreams burned away like embers in the wind, and he could feel his heart shatter within his chest. He closed his eyes - the world turned to shadow, and all light was extinguished." Beautiful dark imagery there.

I am hard-pressed to find anything I don't like about this piece. However, there were a couple of phrases that didn't quite work:
"Though the clothes were made at expense, ..." Made at expense? I think I know what it means, but it is an odd phrasing. Maybe a word is missing here?
Similarly, "...to continue his summon." Shouldn't this be "to continue his summoning? Or is that the phrasing they use in Arc?
Finally, "...a long journey to and earn her love." looks like there is a word missing here. Or maybe eliminate the "and" and make it "...a long journey to earn her love."

Other than those minor issues, this is a marvelous piece. There is enough to intrigue me about the world that I want to learn more.

I hope this review has been helpful to you. I look forward to reading more.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
11
11
Review of Scratch  
Review by Dragon 8
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a charming little slice-of-life story with a fantasy twist. I felt touched by the upbeat tone. Not much teenage angst here! The characters felt right. This is a good story. With some polishing, it could be great.

The amount of detail is almost overwhelming! I could practically feel the wind on my face as Jacob rode down the hills. Other good examples are the "damp ground, which he could feel soaking into his Levi’s." and how his mom's typewriter made "a wonderful gentle tapping sound and an electric whir". One particularly interesting detail was when Jacob checked to "see if there was any green blood coming out of the old gnome." He assumed that green would be the correct color for gnome blood.

On the other hand, there may be a bit too much irrelevant detail. For example, although it paints a lovely word-picture, do we really need to know how the psychiatrist's office smelled? I'm not sure.

I also noticed several run-on sentences, especially in the beginning. It is hard to explain what the reader needs to know about the characters, and there is a temptation to just dump the information in one large pile of run-ons at the beginning. This makes for long, boring reading. Try to break up the information into digestible chunks.

You did mix up the background information with active plot elements quite well (for the most part). There were also some nice turns of phrase. For example, "No spots, no green; just a plain old regular hand."

There were several grammar errors that I tripped over. I'll just point out a couple. First, "but the road great hills" should be "but the road HAD great hills". Also, a couple of unclear phrases: "...and I’m just not about appearing before those I may have no agreement with." What does this mean? Next, "...the gnome appeared to get see through,..." I tripped over until I realized in meant he became partially transparent. Finally, some minor spelling and capitalization errors, and one odd spacing error: "and protect them from danger. ", but I assume those are just typos.

As I said, this is a good story in need of polishing. I hope this review has been helpful to you.
11 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drache