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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/drkelley
Review Requests: ON
94 Public Reviews Given
116 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I look for interesting stories. I do not guage another author because of differences in style (from my own). I look for spacing, grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. I also look for incongruity. For instance: "It was a cold night with no fire to warm ourselves." And then, starting the next paragraph: "The next morning we put out the fire and left on our horses."
I'm good at...
Finding incongruities
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, science fiction, westerns, military anything
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Andrew. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work.

I loved this story. It is a nice little vignette into high school life, with a twist. An awkward, seemingly anti-social, girl finally meets someone with the courage to approach and befriend her. The story started well, built at a natural pace, and ended with a solution that made me feel good. You did a very nice job building the personalities of the two main characters. Well done.

The only problems I saw involved punctuation and word choice. I am about to give you a list of the locations needing attention. Please don't be alarmed if it seems long.

"So naturally, she never wore green on St Patrick’s Day." This sounds a bit wordy. Consider removing the word naturally. A good rule of thumb is this: If the sentence reads the same and has the same meaning after removing a word, that word was most likely unnecessary.

"However, this year a new student,..." Insert a comma after year.

"...Erin, decided to give it a try; thinking she might be fine with it." The second part of this is not a complete sentence. The semi-colon should be a comma.
"
"She was always friendly to people and when she..." Insert a comma after people.

"So, in between periods she walked ..." Insert a comma after periods.

"...she walked up to..." Word choice. Consider replacing walked up to with approached.

"She was gentle with her pinch and Emma..." Add a comma after pinch.

"...Emma was wearing a long-sleeved..." It is always best to avoid the passive voice whenever possible. Consider replacing was wearing with wore.

"Erin power-walked to her next class and Emma..." Insert comma after class.


"Then, looked around at the others who were standing there." As written, this is not a complete sentence. Consider adding Emma before looked. This would make it a complete sentence.

"They too hustled to their next class." Add commas after they and again after too.

"Erin walked around vigilantly looking..." Add comma after vigilantly.

"...she sighed of relief." Did you mean in, not of?

"When the last class of the day was over, Emma..." Passive voice. Consider replacing was over with ended.

"Emma was standing there, and Erin yelped." Passive voice. Consider changing was standing to stood.

"Erin introduced Emma to the group and a new friendship was born." Insert a comma after group.

Once again. Please don't be disheartened. Good writing depends on the quality of the story, and yours is brilliant, well crafted. Word choice and punctuation are small things, easily correctable.

Once again, well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of The Salty Siren  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Gervic. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to review your work. I always love a pirate story, add magic and I'm in!

What worked for me:

Excellent story of a personal quest for redemption and peace. Your dialogue, the little we see, worked well. It fit the circumstance. Your descriptive prowess is very evident. You painted a rich tapestry, a canvas on which your reader sees with their mind's eye as they read. Well done.

What didn't work for me:

I think you missed many opportunities to show, not tell.

"Anne swore, her frustration echoing the rumble of thunder." How did she swear? Seeing her words would add depth to the sentence.

"With a sigh, Anne steered towards the anomaly, her crew grumbling about sea gods and misplaced grog." I really love how you describe things. Would adding dialogue, hearing the curses her sailors spoke add to the scene?

I was a bit confused at first with the appearance of the wizard. I was six paragraphs in before I realized it must have been a vision, or perhaps magic. There were no crossroads visible, no cliff, right?

"The journey was long, fraught with challenges, and more than once Anne questioned her choice. But with each obstacle overcome, each lesson learned, the longing for home morphed into a burning desire to forge a new path, one where piracy yielded to purpose, and where the Salty Siren no longer plundered, but protected."

What challenges? What obstacles? Knowing how she persevered, and what obstacles she overcame would have added greatly to the story.

Bottom line: This is a great story. I felt the yearning in the captain, a yearning for peace. I wanted to see what happened next. Do you plan to continue this story?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Averren
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Thanks for asking me to review this. It is a great little vignette into the mind of a child. Thank God for that Marine that didn't chastise you, but instead used the opportunity to help you learn.
This is very well written. Even though short in word count, you did a good job of helping me see the story. I assume you wrote this.

I am a veteran myself. Props to your family and your son for his service.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am happy to review this work for you.

To begin, this seems a bit long for a prologue, but that is just an observation not a critique.

I was very captivated by this. I wanted to get to the end of it so I could see what happens. Nicely done. At first, I thought I would have many things to mention, but soon realized some of my observations were most likely a matter of differences in style. Regardless, I did see a few things to mention. Please use them as you see fit.

1. The term Senke Era. You repeat this a lot. It was a bit confusing at first. I did not know whether it referred to a place or a time. I now think it refers to a time.

2. "But here, amidst the echoes of a time, Kael felt at home." Did you mean "echoes of time?" If not, could you explain what time you are talking about?

3. "Together, they pushed open the door, revealing the mysteries that lay within." The way this is worded, I would have expected to be a part of the next paragraph. maybe change it to something like: They opened the door together, Kael's heart racing as he stood in the dimly lit chamber. They were surrounded by towering shelves lined with ancient tomes.

4. "Another day, another chance to learn," he whispered, glancing at the stack of ancient texts on his desk, from the excursion the night before." It was unclear to me that he actually took some of the texts with him when they left the library. This surprised me a little.

5. Electric/electricity. Electricity is a modern term. It seems a bit out of place in a fantasy story. You use the word lightning a few times and that is more relevant, more accurate. Something to think about.

6. You often speak of the new insights he gains into his magical abilities. I would love to hear you give an example of at least one thing he read and how it changed his understanding.

7. "Suddenly, the air crackled with energy as Kael felt a surge of power surging..." Use of surge and surging in the same sentence. reword for clarity.

8. "The air was heavy with dust, undisturbed for centuries, and every footstep echoed ominously." A bit confusing. How could the air be full of dust? Was it their feet? If so, show how their feet caused the air to be full of dust.

Ok, I know it seems funny that I gave you praise at the beginning, then list eight things to mention. I meant what I said. It is good!

I use Grammarly to check my own work, at least now I do. I copied this and put it the program. It had 94 suggestions. Check it out. Most of the time, the suggested changes are really good. Sometimes they are not. When I use it, I take what I want and discard what I don't want.

That's all. Once again, I think this is a great start to an intriguing story. I hope to see more.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved the story. I have doen the flash fiction activities before. They are fun. Well written story with an identifiable beginning, middle, and end.

Only two thngs to mention"

1. Would a wizard in a fantasy setting know what a deep space mission is?

2. Did you mena this in the second paragraph?
"...all the other wizards were down at the pub...?"

Again, great job.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of Unmitigated hero  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good day,

Let me start by telling you I am not a poet. I do not write poetry, though I have reviewed poetry a couple of times. So please consider my review in that light.

This seems a bit stark, unrefined. That is not a negative comment. The tone makes me feel as if we are face to face, like you are talking to me directly, and only me.

Are you a veteran? I get that flavor from your prose. Even so, it could also be any kind of desparate, dangerous situation you describe. It gives the feel of being in a lull in the action, but that greater conflict is approaching quickly. And though you are weary, you rise to meet the challenge.

Only one line gave me pause: "You can't design your car without its clay." I understand the reference, but it just seemed to not fit here, at least for me.

Well done. As I said, I do not write, nor really understand poetry. I do, nonetheless, admire its authors.

Once again, Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful, and so on the spot. I feel the same about the missus. I sometimes wonder if folks that have not experienced that kind of love in a long-term relationship can comclose to understanding how precious it is.

I found no errors of the writing kind here (spelling, grammar, etc.) I found nothing wrong with the prose.

I did, however, feel the power of the words. They touch deeply.

Well done!

Averren


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of The Baseball Cap  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
LOL! this is funny. I often wonder how poets can be so creative. This is for a challenge, correct? How many weeks does it go on? Is it difficult to come up with ideas without the prompts?

I found nothing here to critique, or I should say nothing that needed comment other than to say well done!

One reason I loved this so much is it mirrors something that I did years ago (not the killing! *Dead*)

I was in the military, stationed in Georgia. It was lunchtime and I was looking for my hat. Not finding it, I was getting angrier by the second. One of my coworkers asked what was wrong. I threw my hands out, yelling "I can't find my hat!"

Thats when I saw the hat in my hand.

Funny, I don't like being laughed at (pun intended).

Once agin well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of I Remember  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow... I love this.

I kind of chuckled when I saw the title. I have a story I wrote for a 9/11 contest that is called I remember... Mine is not beautiful poetry, however.

This hit a deep chord in me. Though I was raised in the city, my parents were both country born and raised. I spent a great deal of time on my grandparent's farms.

Thank you for taking me on that special trip down memory lane.

It made my morning.

Toodles,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of Humble Pi  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very clever. It also shows an understanding of math that most likely supersedes my own. I was never a big fan of poetry, but this site is changing my mind. Imay actually have to try it one day. Have you always written poetry? Is it your main genre? I will have to check out your portfolio.

Once agin, well done.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review of Spring Is Here  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with VETERANS GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I did not read the first one, so I am not sure what changed, but I like this.

I am not a poet. I normally do not review poetry, but here goes.

I would think you live in the country, or at least love it enough to write about it. But by country, I would think this sounds like a mountainous area.

This made me think of my first trip to Yosemite. One look into the valley containing Ribbon Falls and El Capitan will take your breath away. It left me thinking it impossible that one could gaze upon them and not believe in God.

Well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Much better, Thanks.

Prosperous Snow used this tool to review one of my works. I hope she does not mind me using it here. I decided to use it because I tend to ramble on in my reviews.

I'm happy to be re-reviewing "The Troubled Son."

Remember that this is only my opinion. Please use what you find useful and ignore what you don't. This review is given with respect to you and your writing.

Overall impression and emotional impact: This is just my guess, but I believe an invasion is starting. I like how you started slow, building to the end when they realize all is not what it seems.

Grammar, spelling, and mechanics: I found a few grammatical errors - missing hyphens, or perhaps a comma. You might try using the writing tool here in WDC to check it out. It is pretty good at catching those types of errors. Here is an example: "Bully, is it?” Richard spat wraith." Did you mean Wrath?

Suggestions for improvement: Word choice: There are several instances where you use a word a second time, very close to a previous use. For example:

"Emmitt grinned broadly up at the summit as they continued along the path. A steady spring breeze brushed passed as the sun shone gently upon them. It built in strength the closer they came to the summit, swaying the tall grass with increasing vigor." There is nothing wrong with the word. It just reads better if you do not use them too closely together. I catch myself doing this all the time. If you get stuck, go to a thesaurus and get another word. As I said, this happens more than one.

"He paced gradually..." Is this the best description of how he approached? Gradually can mean slowly, but it is also associated with unspectacularly and circumspectly. I took it to mean he approached in a menacing way. Is that a correct assumption?


"Meandered." You use this more than once. It implies a person is moving without purpose, that they are wandering aimlessly. Considered using another word.

"Be better than just some rough..." Did you mean "tough" here?

"Nodding assurance, Richard followed after them, and their climb recommenced." The word is correct in meaning, but sounds a bit formal for the setting. Perhaps use something simpler like continued?

"Royal pipes shrieked..." This word most often implies terror or pain. Did the music really sound that way, or was it musical in quality. If you intended it to be shrieked for a specific purpose, like maybe it was intended to cause fear, that might work. If that is why you used the word, then play on that more in the text.


My favorite parts: Richard kicking some major butt in the opening scene. I can tell his skills will play a big part in the story.

This is a large work, definitely chapter sized. It is easy to miss things like I have pointed out. I get caught like this all the time. The opening is a great hook. It made me want to read more.

Thank you so much for sharing your writing! It was a pleasure to review you. I genuinely hope you found my comments useful, but feel free to ignore those you didn't.

Well done!

Regards,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Good evening,

I want to apologize up front for the low rating. It is really for one thing only - spacing.

I have read sippets of the story, but quite frankly I find it very difficult to read because the words are all crammed together.

Proper spacing can help you tell your story. It can emphasize a pause. It clearly shows breaks in dialog. This helps when you are changing the point of view of your writing.

I know Word is a pain in the butt. If you create your work in word and then paste it in, you will lose your formatting. When that happens you just have to go back and add the spacing.

I really want to come back to this. I hope you decide to correct your spacing.

Best regards,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review by Averren
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Good morning,

Just a tad long, but very worth it. I can honestly say I have never met anyone I had a solely online relationship with (well, if you can call the "chatships" I had relationships), but I did consider it would be cool to meet a few people over the years. I think it is cool that you met someone that has become so special in your life. Your words walked us through the tail in such a way that I felt like I was there to see it happen.

It would be interesting to find out how you met Diana Gabaldon. Maybe someday?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is an awesome post, raising important questions. But I have one of my own.

How do you know you are not doing as God has called you to? This post of yours is an outreach on its own. Your reflection will prompt others to do the same. And, not all are called to serve abroad, or to take up what most would consider to be severe hardship and trouble.

If God was calling you to do this, you would be there doing it.

Don't sell yourself short. It seems to me that you are using the gifts he has given you in the way He intended.

Regards,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
for entry "Not A Fan of Anything" 
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I understand completely. I quit social media myself over a year ago. Well, the only thing I ever did was FB, and watched some stuff on Youtube. The whole political situation just got to be too much. Too much anger, too much vitriol. I just needed to get away from it.

I am back on FB now, but only in a limited capacity.

Bottom line, I completely agree with your decision. I never thought about WDC in that way. I do/did not consider hunting for fans on the site. I do, however, appreciate recognition when it comes. I think all of us here crave it. We want to know our writing makes a difference, that people get something out of reading what we write. Plus, it’s fun!

Regards,

Averren
My bestest buddy
What is Mom doing over there?

My fledgling blog. The Shed: https://www.Writing.Com/authors/drkelley/blog


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
Review of Wheel of Fortune  
for entry "February 13, 2022" 
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I admit I am not into Tarot... or maybe I should say I know nothing about it.

Jean Harlow... at first, I confused her with another actress that died when I was young, Jayne Mansfield. Jean Harlow died much earlier and much younger. Both very pretty blondes.

Love Santana.

Regards,

Averren
My bestest buddy
What is Mom doing over there?

My fledgling blog. The Shed: https://www.Writing.Com/authors/drkelley/blog
18
18
Review of TEN LITTLE WORDS  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Powerful words.

My wife lost both of her parents to cancer. I recently lost a dear cousin as well. It is not an easy thing.

You expertly described the pain, the sorrow, and yes... even the guilt one might feel while watching a loved one deal with the ravages of that horrible disease.

Well done.

Averren
My bestest buddy
What is Mom doing over there?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I think I am getting better at reviewing poetry, at least I hope I am. Was this written specifically for a challenge or a contest, a short poem contest?

I recently joined Lilli's Micro Fiction challenge. Submitting week one's entry for that exercise helps me a bit here.

Before, when I heard that someone had written a poem, I would think of a work with many lines, perhaps more than one page of lines. I realize now it does not have to be that way.

I cannot think of a way you could have done this... more succinctly. You stated your premise in the title and fulfilled it in your writing.

Well done!

Averren
My bestest buddy
What is Mom doing over there?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
20
20
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting beginning here. Is this a piece of a larger work, perhaps a prolog of sorts?

I think you have a missing word in there somewhere. I do it all of the time.

Two things to mention: you have very similar sounding names. Arka, Ankara, and Arkana.
I s Arkana the daughter or the land?
That could be a bit clearer.

Otherwise, I like it. It's a good lead in to a larger story I can see coming.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
21
21
Review of Doggy Shoes  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
OMG! I love this. Others have heard me say I am not a poet. I never really read poetry, and never try to write it. However, you guys are changing my mind.

I hope Lucy is real. Lucy May sounds like a fun name for a dog. The last four dogs we have had have been named Tasha (short for Natasha), Dax (from Star Trek Deep Space Nine), Zack (short for Zacharia), and now Becca (short for Rebecca). I guess I prefer to name my pets with... something interesting.

I will make sure to read more of your stuff in the future.

regards,

Averren
My bestest buddy
What is Mom doing over there?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
22
22
Review of Tom Yum Gai  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Impressive. I have never seen a recipe in a writing contest before, but then again, I never entered the Chef's Challenge either.

The recipe looks good. The Missus and I are going to try it. It sounds Korean, is it? No matter, I will try it anyway.

So, this guy developed a style of poetry used to display recipes? Very interesting.

Well done. I will let you know when we try the recipe.

Regards,

Averren
My bestest buddy
What is Mom doing over there?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
23
23
Review of UnConventional  
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like it!

Oh, hello again. This story is cool. It is a perfect little vignette, a great scene. Your dialog is spot on. I had no problem whatsoever followings shifts in point of view.

It seemed very natural, like I was really watching it happen.
I saw only one thing to ask about.

"There is a ticked showing of Rocky Horror..."

Is "ticked the word you meant to use?

Well done!

Regards,
Averren
My bestest buddy
What is Mom doing over there?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
24
24
for entry "~In Jesus' Name~" 
Review by Averren
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, this is such a powerful testimony. Thank you for sharing it. It is a good reminder He is with us, even in the most difficult times. Sometimes I pray for the simplest of things. "God, please let this contact go in perfectly the first time," or "God, please don't let me overcook that steak." I know it seems silly, but prayer is not reserved for only the most important or dire issues in our lives. It also helped me get used to asking for help all the time, not just when I needed something big.

I listen to a wide variety of music. I love 70's classic rock, but I also listen a lot of contemporary Christion music. One group I really like is Fire Flight. While watching a music video of theirs, the lead singer said this just before they sang the song Forever.

(Paraphrased)"I was reading this book and it totally changed my mind about some things I thought I understood. One of them was a verse in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13. These verses are about love. Reading this book, I began to understand the verses in a new way. In 1 John there is a verse that says, "God is love." So, what I want to do with these verses from Chapter 13 is replace the word love with God. And instead of looking at this as a list of things I need to, I want to look at it as things God does for me...

God is patient,
God is kind,
God does not envy and He does not boast,
God is not proud,
God is not rude,
And he is not self-seeking,
He is not easily angered,
God keeps no record of wrongs,
God does not delight in evil, but He rejoices in the truth,
God always protects, he always trusts,
He always hopes,
God always perseveres,
God never fails.

Looking out onto an arena filled with young people, she tells them to remember that God always Hopes, that when he looks at them, he doesn't see their failures, their past. He sees everything they can be, everything He made you to be, and the good news is that God never fails.

I have never forgotten this. Her words are so powerful. I go back and watch this from time to time and it never fails to give me goosebumps. Your story did the same for me.

Oh yes, almost forgot. You used the word "let" in the fourth from the last paragraph. I think you meant to use "led."

Best regards,

Postscript: The link to the video is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXuLPQQbj8U.

This live version of Forever is not their best BTW.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
25
25
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Averren
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Sammy Davis, Jr. He sang the song I gotta be me.

I feel your pain, or at least some of it. We lost our little Zack in 2017. We had him for 13 years. It took us almost a year to be ready for another dog.

News? I try to stay away from it. It doesn't matter which side of the fence you sit on. It's all depressing.

I have been a member here for several years but have never been very active. I recently retired and I am trying to change that. We don't know each other but I will pray for you, trying to send some positivity your way.

Regards,


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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