Hello James,
I've accepted you request and hope to offer some useful input. My first impression when I noticed the length, your "non-fiction" status, and your "style" when reading it through.
That said, for such a shorty, you did manage to evoke an emotion... you did a great job in making made me laugh when I got to the jogger, and a good job "implying" his distraction, that when he hit the cable it was a surprise of what I expected was coming. Those are all good points because we aspirants of the craft strive to induce some sort of reaction from our audiences. You did that.
But here's where I'm going to offer a few suggestions. There's a very short book entitled: The Elements of Style, by Strunk and White. I haven't looked at it in years, but however concise it is, there are great sections of "rules" with respect to our craft, and one in particular that caught my eye in reading your piece. For your convenience, I found an archived copy on the internet you can read and may download should you be so inclined. LINK: https://ia804502.us.archive.org/5/items/pdfy-2_qp8...
Rule 17, "omit useless words" is the item I wish to visit for purposes of this review. Now before I exemplify, don't take the rule TOO literally when writing, meaning there are times when sufficient words are needed to convey a thought, a mood, a description, or whatever and times when cutting to much would actually cramp your style. I think what the message is, there are times when your topic/point is much more effective (such as setting a scene that would draw out the impact of the action, like in your case when you and your buddy are sitting together with coffee and donuts... which the reader gets but you got a little repetitive and use words that in my view, are not necessary which tends to draw my "vision" of your story away from the important storyline. Examples below>
ordered a cup of coffee and some donuts.
here's an example, where the same could have been said: ordered a cup of coffee and donuts... the "some" could be consider a "useless" word according to Strunk. It doesn't help the sentence and tends to draw the reader's attention away from the coming action (topic/theme)
As we talked and sipped at our,
similar reasoning, could be: we talked and sipped (the reader already knows what and where, but if you still care to use the pronoun, that could work but the "at" needs to go. Or, you could say, "we talked while sipping coffee [even add: and munching on donuts]
I had a full view of the street through the shop's streetside window.
again, here... you had a view of the street, so "street-side" is redundant and and can be deleted; IE: full view of the street through the shop's window.
I realized he was staring across the street at this chick jogging in the other direction,
The above is just an example of rewording, in the case since you don't really know what caught his attention or what was thinking, perhaps something akin to
... He seemed to be staring at a chick jogging in the opposite direction across the street.
The idea here is, you're character is making an assumption, not coming to a conclusion... and, by placing the chick as the object his staring (verb), it captures the action better for the reader...setting him up for the hilarious consequences.
his momentum caused him to do a spin and a half around the cable, as he clutched it close.
another example where "do a" are useless, and somewhat distracting... this is your punch line so to speak, so go right to the active verb which would be more effective for generating a humorous reaction for the reader... something akin to: his momentum spun him nearly two turns around the cable. (the "spin and a half" was a little awkward that in my view, tends to lessen the funny impact)
"I hope that pulled out his chest hair." [This was a good follow up line that induce a second laugh that I never saw coming... very funny.
especially the ones with sprinkles, having known all along that jogging can be dangerous.
This entire sentence kind of threw me... the action (your topic / theme had taken place, the funny lines delivered, yet you went to sprinkled donuts and for some reason linked them to dangerous jogging. It's what some people in the craft call "speed bumps" that stops the reader, or at least slows the pace when distracting them with something that's confusion, or they have figure out.
At any rate, things to think about for tightening up any effort, and if you can download Strunk, I'd do so. Some good stuff in there that could help hone anyone's literary endeavors. I enjoyed the visit.
DRSmith
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