Well you have an intruiging idea here.
The good: This has potential. With work this could develop into something truly absorbing. I would like to read more.
The bad: The flow is a bit too rough. You are focusing on describing things that can be left a little vague and keep the reader engaged. For example the scanner, you are describing it too intricatley, just call it a scanner or bio-scanner. The reader really doesn't need to know the mechanics of it, you do as the author though. There are many things that could use more detail and description that will engage the reader and keep them in the story. You have demonstrated that you can use the visual descriptions effectivley, but what about touch, taste, sound? To really engage a reader you need to trigger all of their senses. Perhaps an intense flavor of copper in Kertz's mouth when being attacked. Or describe the intense smell of death as the recon team explores the dead ship. The prickling under their skin as adrenaline is realeased into their system as they enter the bridge and see the carnage there.
You are creating an intruiging world here, however you are doing alot of telling and little showing.
Also you might want to revise this a bit. It is original but there is a strong feeling of an amalgamation of alien and event horizon with a dash of the sphere thrown in for flavor. I feel that with a little tweaking you can lose that and let the world you are creating really shine.
You could build more tension and intrigue with you find by having odd glitches and thoughts entering the crews minds at random spots.
I hope you found this helpful, if not then throw it out. If you would like a more in depth review let me know.
I think you have a rough gem here, that with work can really shine.
Keep writing!
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This shows some promise!
There are some gaps. A reader wantes to be there when the major things happen. It seems like you have written about two lulls between momentuous events.
How did the monsters grab her?
Why her verses someone else?
How did she escape?
You have a nack for pulling a reader in and details, but the story needs some work.
I personally feel that you are off to a promising start though!
You are off to an interesting start. While it was primarily dialogue and the humor was a nice touch it still needs some work. It was a little distracting, you said barbarian, well what kind? Are they in furs? The have axes and daggers, what are they made of? What are the sounds of the scene like? There are lots of types of ogres, what does it look like. It is important to create the scene(total picture) with your words using all the senses, sight, sound, smell, touch. The dialogue is inconsistant. Instead of duh, use da. Your characters are using pretty precice grammer, except for the one word. If you alter more of their speech pattern and vocabulary you'll create a better picture of who they are.
I like where you are starting from and with a little work I feel the characters could really turn into something interesting and delightful to read about.
This is an interesting concept and could gorw into something very interesting. Right now though it still needs some work. There are quite a few random things written that pull you away from the story and distract the reader from total immersion into the story. Don't forget to use all of the senses when describing things. What are the pitches and textures of the voices of people? Are they ragged and gravely from fatigue and stress? Are the flowers and grass being wet, is that making the air smell good? bad? sweet? Is it spring, so its cold? is it summer and hot?
There is potential here! The introduction of new information and descriptions are a little jarring to the reader, so they need smoothing. The dialogue still needs some work as well, but keep working on it, you seem to bo off to a good start!
This was a very informative piece! I enjoyed it, while much of it was a review of things I have already read in other books of this genre, all tips and suggestions were ones that can always be useful and should be reviewed frequently. There were handy links in it as well, that may be otherwise difficult to find else where.
There were some hints and tips that I personally didn't agree with, but that is vary common among this industry.
Overall this was a helpful and informative piece that I will return to as a valuable resource when working on my own writing!
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