I was browsing the community poetry listings and came across your title "Herding Cats" . I'm a cat lover and this title intrigued my funny bone. I just had to look.
Personal First Impression I love the names of the cats. You can perceive each ones personality just by their names. And then you go on to describe in moderate detail each felines personality. I could visually see you searching out and 'herding' the cats wearing all your protective gear and equipped with all the bribes required.
Tone, Mood & Emotional Impact Jocular--everything--within every stanza is found the recipe for a smile and a laugh. You have written a wonderful light poem which I feel can be enjoyed by everyone who has some empathy towards cats and their caretakers.
Rhyme, Form & Flow You follow a consistant abcb rhyming pattern throughout the poem. Your syllabic count per line varies but doesn't interfere with the flow of the poem in the least. This follows or is at least inspired by a specific poetry form, but I am not familiar enough with poetry to say which form.
Thank-you for sharing this poem. The topic of cats and their antics is always fun to read. I hope my comments have brought a smile to your day and any suggestions are strictly my opinion to be taken with a measure of salt; or, if you wish, ignored.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
My name is Deb and I read "Fantasyland" from browsing the general poetry listings under the added category of Fantasy because I was in the mood for reading something other worldly....
The title suggests this was written for a contest, or at the very least, was written from a prompt. Still, the title caught my attention enough to look at who the author was. Recognizing your name definately drew me in to see. Then seeing how long ago it was written really peaked my interest--2003, nice!
First Impression: I grew excited about all the possibilities of what kinds of places you could actually visit just by reading, when I read the sixth stanza. Up until then I felt there was something missing, and possibly there is that little bit, that one stanza that says that you can visit any and every fantasyland you ever imagined by sitting under a tree and reading a book. Your sixth stanza hints about this but doesn't come out and say it. However, I have the feeling this was intentional. I know it is cliche' to say that reading teleports you into every world and character imaginable...but...it really does.
Rhyme, Form & Flow: You have a very consistant aabb rhyming pattern in every stanza. There are seven stanzas all with four lines which range from a nine to eleven syllabic beat. This looks like a standard form but I'm not familiar enough with poetry to actually name the form.
Tone / Mood / Emotional Impact: I fell into a very relaxed mood and contented. Reading is a wonderful device for separating from the everyday routines and your poem sets this wistful tone perfectly with your second, third and fourth stanzas.
After word: Actually, by preferring to read under the open sky, breathing in the fresh air and surrounded by bird song...you can choose where your mind will visit by the theme and topic of your chosen book. While eating your apple bits, you can go to outer space...I recomment Robert A. Heinlein's The Rolling Stones or Sandra McDonald's Outback The Stars. You can ride a camel and see exotic places: I recommend Elizabeth Peters and any of her Egyptian mystery novels. As for exploring a cave I recommened Jean Auel's Clan of the Cave Bear. And talking with Dragons, or Elves, Hobbits, Dwarves, Orcs, or Goblins! The list is endless but Tolkein both J.R.R. and his son Christopher have set the standard for visiting these worlds of high fantasy. Then there is Terry Brooks, Mercedes Lackey, Anne McCaffry, and R.A Salvatore. I'm sure you are already familiar with more than a few of these books, being the avid reader you are. So you know what I recommend is all in fun and going along with the theme you set so nicely with your poem.
{e:} Thank-you for sharing this poem. The topic of escape through reading is always fun to read. I hope my comments have brought a smile to your day and any suggestions are strictly my opinion to be taken with a measure of salt; or, if you wish, ignored.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
I've just finished reading your entry "A Visit To Arlington Cemetery" and I am more than touched. It has been a long time since I've felt this kind of feeling. I remember the first time I felt it, tho. Let me share with you.
I am not a tall woman; in my basic training days, I stood a proud 5'1-3/4". I was the third shortest in my Flight at Lackland AFB, Texas. 'Bambi' stood at 5'1" and 'Littlebit' stood all of 5'. My nick name was 'Mouse.' During our fourth week of training we attended our first "Taps" formation.
On our march back to the barracks, there wasn't a dry eye in our formation. Even our TIs (Tech Instructors) were misty. There is something about the Star Spangled Banner and the Lowering of The Flag while standing at attention and saluting that just grabs you deep inside and twists until tears flow. It is a mixture of pride, humility, and patriotism not ever described properly--only experiencing the feelings will allow you to understand them. The second time I experienced these emotions was while attending my brother-in-law's funeral and my middle child stood at attention and saluted while Taps and the Star Spangled Banner were played over his uncle's grave. My son had joined the Army as influenced by his uncle. A couple years later, Tim would be in Iraq. Thankfully he came home safe.
Today, I am reminded of these feelings when I read about your trip to Arlington and how the woman didn't wish her name mentioned or her picture taken. She was correct in her request, you know. The pictures need to be saved for the fallen and the honored. Their sacrifice is what needs remembering. How we honor them is trivial, she understands. And I'm overwhelmed with those old feelings of my youth in uniform, as a parent of a son who has served, and as a citizen who owes so much for all the others who have served.
Thank-you for sharing your story and pictures. I shared my story only to explain how deeply you have touched me today.
What a wonderful joyful insight. You brought out a touch of innocence I'm sure many of us remember but need reminded of periodically. I have fanned this poem so I can read it whenever I need that special reminder. Thank-you for writing and sharing ...and Fred.
I am reviewing your piece for the final week of Game of Thrones reviewing challenge under the Dark Dreamscapes Reviewing Group banner.
First Impression Chills. I actually felt the chill run over me when I read that last couplet. Now, this is a ghoulish tale that can incite nightmares. YOWZA! Once again you set up the reader with a solid believable scene; in this case a man with a heart attack who doesn't survive. This is told from first person perspective so the reader is identifying with the Is and the mes and, ho boy, what a suble impact that has.
Tone & Mood Frighteningly, horribly, sad. To still be a thinking entity trapped within a corpse. No way to communicate that you are still aware of everything.
Rhyme, Form & Flow Each Stanza consists of quatrains with an abab rhyming pattern. There isn't a consistant syllable rhythm that I could see.
Emotional Impact The chill of horror impacted permanently--thanks a lot Ken!
I wonder if I should tell my children, I don't want to be cremated when I'm gone. Yikes!
Grammar/Punctuation Everything looked fine.
Poetry Devices Rhyming couplets help this poem flow.
I enjoyed reading your poem and hope my review was helpful and encouraging!!!
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
** Image ID #1988714 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1920909 Unavailable **
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
I am reviewing your piece during the final week of Game of Thrones reviewing challenge under the Dark Dreamscapes Reviewing Group banner.
First impressions: Pinky and The Brain! I love them,
Comments and Observations: The aliens are within, Ken. The tin foil hat won't do you any good. However, I know this college professor who has a pill that will extracate the alien from within. You may need stitches after taking the pill however, since they tend to erupt from your chest... Just be sure to go to the emergency room before taking the pill, since you might need reviving before the doc sews you back up.
Story Structure: Again you pose the situation then fill in the absurdity required to peek interest. The punch line came from left of left field since the aliens were already in left field. But now you got me looking under my bed for those mean dust bunnies.
Characterization: We all think we know you, Ken.
Plot/Theme: Correct a sabotage which in turn was sabotaged.
Twists and turns: A sabotage was sabotaged.
Grammar and Punctuation: As usual, everything looked great from my nontechnical point of view.
Overall Impression: I love the turns your stories take. I never expect the endings
I enjoyed reading your work and hope my review was helpful and encouraging!!! Well, not quite encouraging in that way of encouraging your paranoia, but then again, one can never be too safe.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
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This is a short story review from House Baratheon ** Image ID #1988714 Unavailable **
Hello QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns, I am reviewing your piece during the final week of Game of Thrones reviewing challenge under the Dark Dreamscapes Reviewing Group banner.
Comments and Observations: I had to scratch my head on this one. For one, I hear many 'professed' agnostics or to use your reference, 'athiests,' take the Lord's name in vain. Does this mean they really aren't athiests after all? Secondly, I never knew that 'goodbye' meant “God be with you,” and I'm sure most people don't know this little bit of word trivia. Thus, my head scratching when I read your short story.
Story Structure: This is more of a moment of conversation within the character's day--not really a story in itself. This bit actually poses a question which needs further pursuit by the characters. There was no real resolution to the question.
Characterization: The narrator is a bit of an obsessive when it comes to literallizing accepted conventions of speech This first portion of dialogue supports my previous statement: “Honey, I’ve been thinking all night..." But this isn't necessarily a bad thing...especially, for a writer who must use her ideas daily.
There was no outright dialogue attribution so parts were hard to follow as to who was saying what. Most times the dialogue was attributed withing the dialogue itself...But I did find myself retracing to see who was saying what in your story.
Plot/Theme: To figure out if someone who does not believe in God says, “God be with you.” in the form of goodbye.
Grammar and Punctuation: Everything looked fine.
Overall Impression: I caught myself answering, "Yes, of course an athiest would say goodbye; because, an athiest would use the accepted convention of phrase or word used by their peers and mentors. Just like when an athiest smacks his thumb with a hammer, he might use God's name in vain--simply because his parents did when he was growing up. It wouldn't mean the same thing to the athiest, as say to a preacher's wife, but the words would still be uttered. Interesting personal side note: I've never said 'goodbye' as a way to say “God be with you.” If I wished to evoke God in a farewell, I would say "Go with God"; never goodbye. For me goodbye has a permanancy to it that "God be with you" does not have. Just my perspective.
I enjoyed reading your work and hope my review was helpful and encouraging!!!.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
** Image ID #1988714 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1920909 Unavailable **
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
I am reviewing your piece for the final week of Game of Thrones reviewing challenge under the Dark Dreamscapes Reviewing Group banner.
Personal Impression The title matches the content and spirit of the poem. I read this as coming from unwanted personal experience. You are telling me what to expect when I finally reach that approved age (at this time 67 years old--I suspect when I get there it will be upped to 70) to collect on a lifetime of paying into a fund that every politician has their grubby little fingers into. Shessh!
Tone & Mood Frustration and disappointment tinged with outrage? Well, that is how I feel when my hourly wage turns out to be 22% less than advertised (Net wage/Gross wage averages ~ 78% for me.)
Rhyme, Form & Flow Each Stanza consists of quatrains with an abab rhyming pattern. There isn't a consistant syllable rhythm that I could see.
Emotional Impact A bit of shock. For some reason I hadn't realized that Social Security was taxed? I mean: other retirement options like Roth IRAs aren't re-taxed if received after age 59 years. If received before age 59, the moneys are taxed again plus a penalty is added for early withdrawal. I've always wondered who got the penalty money--the bank or the Fed? But then, Unemployment taxes paid by the employer for when the employee is out of work is taxed when received by the employee and the tax on the tax is paid by the employee--so why am I surprised that the fed is resorting to taxing Soc. Sec. taxes. Wasn't the Boston Tea Party a protest of a similar situation?
Grammar/Punctuation No problems and all benefits incurred with your punctuation. Grammar, likewise.
Poetry Devices The rhyming pattern as mentioned above.
Thank you for sharing and allowing me to review your work. I hope my comments prove helpful and bring a smile to your day.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
** Image ID #1988714 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1920909 Unavailable **
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
I am reviewing your piece for the final week of Game of Thrones reviewing challenge under the Dark Dreamscapes Reviewing Group banner.
Personal Impression I enjoyed all the cramped connections--even though they seemed to follow no direct parallel to human anatomy In fact, the cramps seemed to be connected as in the recent 'string theory' concept, at opposite anatomical ends.
Tone & Mood Playfully Painful.
Rhyme, Form & Flow This poem seemed to be Free style with no set rhyming or rhythm patterns.
Emotional Impact I found myself sympathizing with your crampedness. OUCH!
Grammar/Punctuation No punctuation was used. Each line, I suppose, stood on it's own.
Poetry Devices You centered the poem on the page for a visual effect. All the lines were close to equal in size so this gave the poem the image of someone holding their breath. With all the cramping going on--maybe the poem is gritting it's teeth, too. The last 5 lines is actually one statement. But, being separated and the words set the way it is (as center, then right and left and centered again), each word is emphasized; which, is better than using an exclamation point after or bolding, or underlining each and every word.
Thank you for sharing and allowing me to review your work. I hope my comments prove inciteful and bring a smile to your day.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
** Image ID #1988715 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1920909 Unavailable **
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
Comments and Observations: Boy, Doris certainly got hers. And Bob? Well, I wonder how long the djinn's vacation can last?
Story Structure: Starts out with a complaining Doris and a beleagered and irritated jacka...erm, Bob.
Characterization: We only got to see one side of the wife--not her best but maybe her most practiced. Bob on the otherhand, went from grudging tolerance to quite the sense of 'poetic justice' and showed a talent for making the best of a situation.
Plot/Theme: While moving from the sunny, sandy beach to some shade, Doris steps on a partially buried djinn lamp. She rubs the sand off of it and is scared half to death from the dramatic entrance of the attractive feminine Genie--I'm looking around for Major Healy while picturing Doctor Bellows LOL
Twists and turns: Bob suggests that somewhere in one of Doris' tirades she actually made a wish--which evokes a nice ending for both Bob and the Genie.
Grammar and Punctuation: Everything looked fine.
Overall Impression: I do like the way you think. Not everyone can appreciate the irony behind this story. Doris had obviously formed the habit of being unhappy with everything and there was nothing Bob could do to wean her of the habit. Then the djinn pops up--literally--and poof, Doris' habit is no longer interferring with Bob's wish to just enjoy life.
I will be reading more of your stories. I hope my comments have helped and possibly brightened you day. Just promise to keep writing and sharing.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
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Personal Impression: This is a poem about an annual event which takes place at an old 'mission'. I'm thinking that the Priest responsible for this place, back in the day, was named Father Serra.
Tone & Mood: Joyful anticipation is what I felt while reading. It is fascinating to watch nature celebrate consistant cycles (anniversaries} so faithfully. With the coming of spring, the swallows return to the mission.
Rhyme, Form & Flow: The couplets rhyme, but not all of them have a set rhythm.
Emotional Impact: I smiled and felt the expectation and thrill of what it must be like to watch as the swallows arrive. To actually be there to see it happen would be so cool.
Grammar/Punctuation: There was no punctuation present (I won't subtract points for that however, as the poem read fine). The grammar was fine.
Poetry Devices: Written in couplets that rhyme.
Thank you for sharing and allowing me to review your work. I hope my comments prove helpful.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
** Image ID #1988714 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1920909 Unavailable **
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
Personal Impression:
I caught myself chuckling after the second line of the second stanza and laughing out right by the fourth stanza. Leave it to a 'mother-in-law to derail the family vacation plans. But, honestly, the kids reaction was a bit harsh. You can't fault the neighbor...he has a life, too. At least the feline family appreciated your company, the purring and mewing is a good sign.
Tone & Mood: The tone at the beginning is one of anticipation, but by the middle of the second stanza the tone changes to a comical outlook on growing disappointment.
Rhyme & Flow: Rhyming pattern from the 1st to the 4th stanza is aabbcc; the last stanza is aabb rhyme. The poem flowed well, especially when recited aloud even though there isn't any set line by line pattern for syllable counts.
Emotional Impact:ful This poem incites smiles and chuckles. "Holiday at Home" is fun to read.
Grammar/Punctuation: I found nothing of note with the grammar or punctuation.
Poetry Devices: I've already mentioned the rhyming pattern. You stay true to this pattern all the way through the poem.
Thank you for sharing and allowing me to review your work. I hope my comments prove helpful as well as bring you some satisfaction.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
** Image ID #1988715 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1920909 Unavailable **
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
I was reading through random short stories and came across "Keep Your Enemies Close..." . The title intrigued me so I thought to look inside.
Comments and Observations: All the while I was reading this story, I was looking for the connection between the story and the title. I never found it. I'd really appreciate it if you gave me a hint how the title fits the story, since it was the title which drew me into reading.
Story Structure: The narrator is the woman with the pictures. She is relating the progression of the Christmas card family photos over the years to another employee where she works.
Theme: The theme is relating, as the years pass, how the photos get more creative and more elaborate to the point that the last session was disrupted by a fight amongst the models.
Grammar and Punctuation: Everything appeared okay.
Overall Impression: A cute anecdote of how holiday traditions begin and sometimes can spin out of control. The best line in the story is the last line as it leaves the reader imagining how much worse the next years photo session could get.
I've enjoyed reading your story. I hope my comments are helpful and encouraging as you have a knack for telling a good story and I hope you keep writing and sharing.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
** Image ID #1988714 Unavailable ** ** Image ID #1920909 Unavailable **
Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.
My name is Deb and I read "Edison Home After Dark" as I was walking the halls where the very new arrivals to WdC roam....
First I wish to welcome you to Writing.com. If you have any questions, or wish me to read and review any of your other writings, drop me an e-mail and I will be all to happy to see what I can do.
Overall Impressions:
The topic of your essay is quite intriguing. I was wondering, as I read your essay, what is your background in writing and with English. You do express the base theme of the possibilities of hauntings and tie this in with the very modern theories in physics very well. You start with a little bit of personal background, how you used to believe compare to how you consider things in the cosmos now. You connect your theory of how it might be possible for hauntings or sightings of the 'fifth' dimension through the fact that a soul is an energy source which can neither be created nor destroyed. You support your opinion quite well, I think.
My difficulty had to do with trying to interpret what you were trying to say, not because you were inadequate with explaining the dimensional theory and string theory connection, but rather because of typos, grammar and punctuation bumps. Mind you, everyone has to start somewhere and I will be willing to assist with what little language and writing mechanics I know. My own punctuation and grammar is an going learning experience so if I don't see a problem and you do, tell me about it and I can learn too. Just mail me if you would like my help in the mechanics of writing.
As I was saying, I liked the ideas you introduced in this essay. I discovered you worked as a night watchman and you have a hobby in the field of paranormal photography. That in itself caught my interest.
Favorite Parts: I loved your oxymoron anectdotes especially the comparisons with 'jumbo shrimp' and the all time favorite, 'military intelligence.'
Additional Comments: Overall, I am an avid fan of science and anyone who enjoys science enough to write about it.
I noticed the low star rate for this essay and I think I understand why you received less than 3 stars. I'm going to rate your essay on content and ideas and not on the writing mechanics for a couple reasons. 1) I feel it is very important for a writer, every writer, to know when someone likes the ideas expressed in something they have written. And 2) Although the star system has it's place in finished works that are spit and polished to a high shine, I deem the star rating system rather inadequate for most writings. This is my personal opinion and doesn't reflect the opinions of other writers here at WdC. and 3) (Yes, why not 3 reasons)-- I write reviews to give myself the chance to brighten another writer's day. I try to find something I honestly enjoy about what a writer has wanted to share with others. Afterall, I share my ideas and I'd want someone reading my work with the same critical but kind eye that I try to model.
I enjoyed reading your essay and I hope my review was helpful and encouraging!!! Let me know if there is anything you would like me to help you with in regards to your writing or if there is another more specific item in your portfolio you would like me to review. But please, Keep on writing about your interests. I'm one person who will read and tell you about what I think.
My Thoughts:
Your story "Destination-Space" starts with a conspiratorial conversation between two young males who wish to upgrade their standing positions within their society. Vellis Landis seems to have the plan and wishes Deley to join him. Deley is reserved about the venture mentioning the consequences if they are caught with false DNA records. Both young males seem to be at that brash age between 18 and 25 years, when anything they scheme up is worth trying simply because it could actually work. I've raised two sons and recognize this syndrome. Vellis hasn't considered all the consequences or scenarios but rather is trusting the official to be lazy and simple look at the forged records and not actually check them against their actual DNA. Deley is at least aware that not all officials are bored with their jobs and they could well get caught at this stage. Reminds me of some of the schemes my older son would think up and his younger brother would warn him of possible unthought of gliches in his plan. Somehow, my older son usually persuaded his younger brother to join in the venture--boys being boys. This familiar interaction is what sucked me into your story. I have to find out if the young men achieve their dream and if so, to what result? Is what is really 'out there in space' worth the risk?
Then the middle of the story spurs on the motivation for Vellis and deley to immediately put Vellis' original hypothetical--we can do it soon--scheme into high gear. From the point where Deley responds to his friend's urgent call to join him until the last paragraph I was into the story and short of a mini disaster in my own home I wasn't about to pull away from my monitor and stop reading. You definately got me.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.:
Being that I am weak at grammar/punctuation/spelling, I don't catch errors unless there is something glaringly out of place. In this story, there was nothing glaring at me. So if there are technical mistakes of this kind someone with a better grasp of structural English will have to catch it.
Title vs Story Content:
The title, "The Space Movers" was never really addressed within the story. Also, the pending journey to the "Distribution" center was a bit vague bringing up the question, for me: Were these two young men then slated to become glorified traffic cops once they submitted to there appointment at the Distribution center? This seemed the logical conclusion, so I went with it. These two questions slowed me down and distracted me for brief moments from the story. Clarification of the terms you introduce regarding the society structure will help a bit for the reader to understand these young males rebellious nature. Also, I want to know what is a space mover?
In Conclusion: The two young men make it to the pods to leave and attempt their rescue of the disabled ship and crew. There is enough description placed within the story to see these two males are not human as we are human. Large eyes, spindly legs, three fingers and a thumb all contribute to their alieness. I am wondering how these young men then know of the morse code used by Earthlings--could be these two males are indeed humans of the distant future after our species have diverged through genetic mutations both through genetic manipulation as well as adaptation? Definately a question hinted at but never addressed within your story. The ending left me wanting to read the rest of the story--a part two, or a chapter two. This story has a beginning, a middle, and an end--but leaves the reader wondering and wanting more. This could well be the first chapter to a space adventure. I for one, want to know more.
This is a short story review from House Baratheon ** Image ID #1920909 Unavailable ** of "King's Landing updating "
I'd like to read more of your stories soon. I hope my comments have helped you. You have a knack for telling a good story and I hope you keep writing and sharing.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
** Image ID #1988714 Unavailable **
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Thanks for sharing so much about yourself. I have one question...how did you end up in Missouri? You have been in so many places this peaked my curiosity.
I was reading through the newbies listigs under action adventure and sci-fi genres when I came across [#1985530] "The Phoenix" . I recognized your name and wanted to read something else you have written.
Comments and Observations: This story is mostly first person present tense. It's very difficult to tell a story this way and I applaud you for attempting this difficult task. Most stories are written in third person past tense, not just because it is easier, but because there are a lot more ways to show action and character development. Or so I have found in my own writing.
Story Structure:You have a beginning, a middle and an end. A happy ending I may add. The story starts when a young woman learned she was the grand-daughter of a Dragon. Then went on to learn that the curse of all the women of her family was to be taken by the Dragon when they reached child bearing age. She also learned that her parents were murdered and the man telling her all these things came from another family who had sworn to protect her and her family at all costs. The end of the story was when the fire Dragon and the girl confronted each other and a magical transformation occurred when the girl does a surprising thing.
Plot: The plot is how to thwart the evil-dragon from taking the girl to Morton.
Grammar and Punctuation:I found just one area--when the Dragon made his entrance--where you slipped into past tense.
Overall Impression: A very complicated story to tell. The way this story is set up, Clayton telling Gina who she was, who he was, who her Grandfather was; and how her parents really died--made for slow reading. I enjoyed the core of the story and can see how it may improve over time and a bit of rewriting with the characters acting out the unfolding of time. This felt like the end of a much larger story with the back story condensed so as to get a complete understanding of what is about to happen to Gina if Clayton fails to protect her.
I'd like to read more of your stories soon. I hope my comments have helped you. You have a knack for telling a good story and I hope you keep writing and sharing.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
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I was reading through the the newbies under Sci-Fi genre and came across [#1984996] "Don't Get Them Removed" . The title drew me in along with the short item description beneath. I am impressed how much information you have put into so few words.
Comments and Observations:
I love the last sentence. I won't print it here because it would spoil the rest of the story for others who will want to read. This reads as if from a young person's diary or journal. Very straight forward and to the point, yet conversational.
Story Structure:
There is a beginning, a middle, and an end even though this is one paragraph long. Tho' it is more like an introduction or short blurb to a longer developed story. I don't think this would classify as a complete story, but I am vague on this so don't quote me as correct in my assumption.
Plot: Wasn't revealed. I think knowing why the aliens attacked Earth the way they did will fill out the story a little more and give your story more of a plot. Even if the narrator admits she doesn't know why, will add to the mystery. Adults tend to not talk about really serious things in front of the younger crowd. So it is possible the narrator doesn't know what incited the aliens to attack.
Grammar and Punctuation:
You have a good understanding of grammar and puntuation. I didn't find many places too terrible in the way your story was written.
When refering to people you used the word that. For example--adults that--adults who. This was the only 'grammar' bump I recognized.
There was a little bit of past and present tense mixing together. For example words slipping into present tense and examples on how to change them back to past tense: causes--caused; I'm--I was; are--were; is--was.
Overall Impression: I really enjoyed reading your story. And I am intrigued about a world where the majority of the adults have essentially died. I'd like to see how a world run by a few young adults and children develops. And would the aliens come back?
I hope to read more of your stories soon. I hope my comments have helped you. You have a knack for telling a good story and I hope you keep writing and sharing.
Take care and may your road lead to only good places.
Deb
I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.
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Hello HuntersMoon,
I am reading all the entrants to the Dark Dreamscapes Poetry Contest and reviewing them.
What I enjoyed most when reading Percipience: This poem is indeed lyrical. The 8-6-8-6 meter is quite effective in pulling the reader along when what is being read isn't something the reader really wants to rush into.
Another thing I liked: The Poem starts stating the person is caught in a returning dream on the edge of nightmare. The poem ends restating that the person does indeed suffer from a dream but the nighmare is the product of an insane mine--I had goosebumps when I read that last line.
Overall, What a wonderful read. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
Hello r.l.w,
I am reading all the entrants to the Dark Dreamscapes Poetry Contest and reviewing them.
What I enjoyed most when reading Hiding: This is the perspective of someone at the beginning of their personal growth. This person is at the edge of the precipice of admitting there is something painful they need to resolve; as stated by lines 3,4, and 5.
Another thing I liked: Lines 6&7 the denial is so deep that he is actually shutting off something vital to themself.
What I least liked: There was no reflected growth within the Poem. For me this Poem is the first part of a longer story. A story of growth and dealing with the denial of self so the 'clenched fists' stop doing their damage.
Overall, this poem made me think of how many times I'd stalled out before actually opening myself to the worst pain in my life which in turned robbed me of who I really am.
Hello C.R.
I ran across one of your poems while reading through the Dark Dreamscapes Poetry Contest and thought I'd drop by your port and see what else you've written.
I enjoyed reading "Beautiful Space" from your portfolio.
What I liked most was the third stanza when you basically state that when we look up at the stars, because they are so far away and the light that reaches us shows them still shining when in fact some may well be gone.
I also like the first two lines of the fourth stanza. Human egos need humbling and studying the Cosmos is the thing to humble any oversized ego.
And I liked the sentiment of the last stanza. The last two lines felt like someone grasping for straws--felt a bit forced and opaque. But I knew what you were trying to say. Isn't it a most perfect time for human's to study the cosmos; when everything is still within sight and not yet separated by so much distance as to be invisible to us? We live in an exciting time.
A wonderful read from another science and math enthusiast; although, my love is recreational and not professional.
Hello Young_Writer,
I am reading all the entrants to the Dark Dreamscapes Poetry Contest and reviewing those that catch my eye.
What I liked about Death: I have had similar ponderings regarding the state of death and feelings...I wrote about it some years back in a short prose titled Drowning a Ghost. But not to toot my own horn. I enjoyed reading another perspective along the same theme.
Another thing I liked was all of the fifth stanza--Yes, indeed. The idea is to escape emotional pain NOT feel it for eternity.
what I least liked: The ending. I identified with the sentiment. I think it was too abrupt or something--the rhythm of the last lines didn't mesh well with the rest of the poem.
Overall, the message of your poem is effective with the message that death may not be the escape expected or yearned for. Thank-you for sharing.
Good Luck in the contest.
I enjoyed reading your short story "Survivor" . Well done.
what I liked: The building of tension in the following: Balanced two meters above the ground, its horned head moved with deadly grace from side to side. Its tongue flickered, senses working to pinpoint the source of its annoyance. Gabriel waited with studied patience for the perfect moment to take up the slack on the trigger and slowly close the contact.
what I least liked: the use of adverbs for action. I stumbled over them after a bit of reading. Slowly and carefully. Carefully. slowly. eerily. quickly. finally. meekly. quickly. finally. alarmingly. previously. only. If you can eliminate most of the adverbs I feel your story would read like the wind. Adverbs tend to qualify the verb making it weaker rather than stronger. Some of the adverbs would be okay for establishing rhythm in your story.
Overall, I enjoyed reading Survivor. The end struck a resounding chord. Brilliant!
Well done.
Right On! There was a period of time that I placed the option on all my portfolio Items as review only and no star rating available. But after growing and maturing as a writer with the help of all the wonderful people on WdC, I've grown confident in myself to be able to take the 'mean spirited' rater in stride. It takes time to develop that tough outer shell around the ego, but because we like to write and have the need for others to read our creations, we learn to toughen up
Write On!
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I was browsing the community poetry listings and came across your title "
Personal First Impression I love the names of the cats. You can perceive each ones personality just by their names. And then you go on to describe in moderate detail each felines personality. I could visually see you searching out and 'herding' the cats wearing all your protective gear and equipped with all the bribes required.
Tone, Mood & Emotional Impact Jocular--everything--within every stanza is found the recipe for a smile and a laugh. You have written a wonderful light poem which I feel can be enjoyed by everyone who has some empathy towards cats and their caretakers.
Rhyme, Form & Flow You follow a consistant abcb rhyming pattern throughout the poem. Your syllabic count per line varies but doesn't interfere with the flow of the poem in the least. This follows or is at least inspired by a specific poetry form, but I am not familiar enough with poetry to say which form.
Thank-you for sharing this poem. The topic of cats and their antics is always fun to read. I hope my comments have brought a smile to your day and any suggestions are strictly my opinion to be taken with a measure of salt; or, if you wish, ignored. 
Tone / Mood / Emotional Impact: I fell into a very relaxed mood and contented. Reading is a wonderful device for separating from the everyday routines and your poem sets this wistful tone perfectly with your second, third and fourth stanzas.
After word: Actually, by preferring to read under the open sky, breathing in the fresh air and surrounded by bird song...you can choose where your mind will visit by the theme and topic of your chosen book. While eating your apple bits, you can go to outer space...I recomment Robert A. Heinlein's The Rolling Stones or Sandra McDonald's Outback The Stars. You can ride a camel and see exotic places: I recommend Elizabeth Peters and any of her Egyptian mystery novels. As for exploring a cave I recommened Jean Auel's Clan of the Cave Bear. And talking with Dragons, or Elves, Hobbits, Dwarves, Orcs, or Goblins! The list is endless but Tolkein both J.R.R. and his son Christopher have set the standard for visiting these worlds of high fantasy. Then there is Terry Brooks, Mercedes Lackey, Anne McCaffry, and R.A Salvatore. I'm sure you are already familiar with more than a few of these books, being the avid reader you are. So you know what I recommend is all in fun and going along with the theme you set so nicely with your poem.
It has been a long time since I've felt this kind of feeling. I remember the first time I felt it, tho. Let me share with you.
First Impression Chills. I actually felt the chill run over me when I read that last couplet. Now, this is a ghoulish tale that can incite nightmares. YOWZA! Once again you set up the reader with a solid believable scene; in this case a man with a heart attack who doesn't survive. This is told from first person perspective so the reader is identifying with the Is and the mes and, ho boy, what a suble impact that has.
Grammar/Punctuation Everything looked fine.
Poetry Devices Rhyming couplets help this poem flow.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Just be sure to go to the emergency room before taking the pill, since you might need reviving before the doc sews you back up.
ful This poem incites smiles and chuckles. "
The topic of your essay is quite intriguing. I was wondering, as I read your essay, what is your background in writing and with English. You do express the base theme of the possibilities of hauntings and tie this in with the very modern theories in physics very well. You start with a little bit of personal background, how you used to believe compare to how you consider things in the cosmos now. You connect your theory of how it might be possible for hauntings or sightings of the 'fifth' dimension through the fact that a soul is an energy source which can neither be created nor destroyed. You support your opinion quite well, I think.
My difficulty had to do with trying to interpret what you were trying to say, not because you were inadequate with explaining the dimensional theory and string theory connection, but rather because of typos, grammar and punctuation bumps. Mind you, everyone has to start somewhere and I will be willing to assist with what little language and writing mechanics I know. My own punctuation and grammar is an going learning experience so if I don't see a problem and you do, tell me about it and I can learn too. Just mail me if you would like my help in the mechanics of writing.
As I was saying, I liked the ideas you introduced in this essay. I discovered you worked as a night watchman and you have a hobby in the field of paranormal photography. That in itself caught my interest.
