“For if the human race has but one fault, it is its blindness to the atrocities which it commits.”
That line needs to be all by itself- super powerful!
I even got goose bumps each of the three times I read this… because it is soooo cierto! -Like a brutal slap to the face.
But what happened??? I mean I know you’re kinda vague on purpose…but still…
- what caused this plague of darkness, it is literal isn’t it?
I don’t get wrath of god out of this… so???
Or was the darkness simply created by an invisible cloud that suddenly smothered you during some Chem. lecture. Ha. Anyways, but no seriously…!
And how the heck did some manage to live?
Questions questions questions, sheesh. That’s all I have at the end of this.
…I just want answers haha.
I love the voice and the tone throughout this piece- very fluid.
Nice read, thanks for sharing.
You said you were unhappy and wanted reviews/input whatever… So here’s my take-
Mind you I’m really not the reviewing type…so feel free to delete this or read on at your own risk…
The name of the piece is seriously captivating…I was scrolling through your portfolio and the name is what caught my attention…
The human condition,
I immediately wanted to know more.
The introduction is pretty strong, but to be completely honest
…A young cheerleader may aspire to be captain, and crush all in her way to get there. Bullies overwhelm their victims for the sensation of power that makes them feel special. Serial killers will, inevitably, do the same. The fact is, there is always a cost to being special.
It’s weak…to me...to ME.
I still think the beginning and end are essential and I love the last line in that paragraph,
The fact is, there is always a cost to being special.
-but after saying:
In our search to be special, any crime we commit can be justified…
I think you could just skip to Earnest because yes it was an accident what he did… but the results were the unjustifiable crimes committed because of his quest to specialality.. . like that? specialality.ha. anyways, getting back on track-
Unless you seriously feel that the cheerleader and bully part is absolutely significant and necessary I say cut it or try to mention an example about the janitor and dictator- again, just my opinion. Totally ignore it, you know your message and writing best.
I didn’t understand the last bit though, you said:
That is the choice I would offer you.
I had none.
You had none what? You didn’t have an answer to give the scientist?
You didn’t have the choice to make the offer receive the offer… I didn’t know exactly what your were getting at is all… you didnt get a chance to choose it was just given to you... i think that what you mean but not 100%. but I am a bit of a ditz so um. yeah.
Oh!I love this part:
I’m talking fighting to the death with a Grizzly bear sort of thing.
I think that’s really your voice… and I want to hear more "you" if you consider ever going back to work on theis piece.
Nice idea and nice start… I hope I get to read more of whatever you have in that head of yours one of these days…
Okay,that’s all I got for this piece- hopefully something useful in it… erg. I just rearead everything I typed and it seems like a mumbo jumbofied mess- I hope you get some sense of it.
Like I said, Im not a review kinda gal- erm. Sorry, ha.
I’m gonna keep scrolling through your portfolio now. Cheers!
SOOOO True! The brutal honesty I felt while reading this was refreshing!
I read this several times… and I love the rhythm…but…
In each of the five stanzas I was secretly deleting the fourth line; I don’t know why because the words are necessary…and beautiful, but it seemed to throw off your voice, at least the voice I imagined for you in my head… haha. However silly that may sound…
But I loved this poem!
I love how you express your thoughts so seemingly effortlessly.
Thank you for sharing!
While I was reading this poem I immediately thought the first stanza was perfect in creating both tone and flow… your voice was instantly captivating and so completely unforced, however the second verse seemed to weaken slightly…But after reading the poem the second time I understood the necessity of the second verse, and after rereading it several times I came to find that my favorite line actually comes from the second stanza
"This foolish whim can only lead to wretchedness and pain"
I loved this poem for what it is!
The future is closed in mist, what beautiful imagery!
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem, thank you much for sharing!
I look forward to reading whatever other hidden goodies your portfolio has to share.
I adored this piece- such a fun free sing song type poem to make someone smile. I even opened my mouth and gasped just a bit for you at the end. What a selfish hubby to steal the last piece-sheesh- I wish I could have punched him in the arm for you (: Thanks so much for sharing! Very sweet and charming enough to call clever! Again, thanks for sharing.
The idea to this piece is far too cute.
You should be in print if you’re not; I’m totally gunning for you!
You’re so gifted, although I won’t lie, this piece did feel a bit forced compared to the Leprechaun- Though this was a great second read. I enjoyed every last word, I really did.
I can imagine me reading this with my 4 year old son; it’s a perfect combination between captain caveman and captain planet, and so age appropriate. So fun! (:
I’m mad about your stuff. Precious! I especially adored the end of this one!!!
I can so hear my son chanting at the end of this poem,
Mommy, you have to kiss his pinky, because he has to save the day.
Thank you. Thank you so much!
You’re truly talented.
You said that your ultimate goal is to write children's poetry…
Well my friend, I hope you’re published one of these days soon because I agree with you 100%, any advice in this genre would indeed be valued, and you would be a blessing to the field.
Again, thank you for sharing.
I loved this! The voice and the rhythm and flow, everything… it was simply perfect!
I must know, how many revisions were made before accomplishing perfection-
I haven’t read anything that ran so effortlessly in such a long time.
Refreshing is what it was, and such a fun and lighthearted piece that was written beautifully!
I can literally hear your voice running ever so smoothly like a very calm and steady stream.
Like I said, and must repeat,
Loved!
This was the first piece of yours I’ve had the pleasure of reading and now I’m convinced, I’ll be reading your portfolio all night.
Thank you for sharing.
You said that if I was looking for “perfect poetry, THIS IS NOT THE PLACE.”…
Well, either you’re disillusioned or it’s me my friend… (: because this was truly beautiful and touching, but more importantly inspirational. I felt what she felt from the first word to the last. And I have only word to describe this poem, perfect.
For someone who says “…I even try poetry on a rare occasion”
Psh! Because you should defiantly write more… this was such a beautiful poem!
Mommy I miss you, and know you miss me,
but God made his choice, a choice we can not see.
Mommy I’m there, and you’re in my heart,
you always have been, right from the start
For me, these stanzas aren’t as strong as the rest and to be completely honest they feel a bit forced and lose the overall tone and voice you’ve held throughout the peom.
But I’m no editor, or published author, congratulations by the way on your accomplishments.
You have incredible talent, and I look forward to reading more of your poems.
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