Wow. This a heart felt poem. I really enjoyed it. When I was reading it, I couldn't help but think of some of my own poems. The only thing that seems a little out of place is the last stanza. I think maybe if you just take it out completely it would make the poem crisper. Or maybe flip flop the fourth and third stanza around, there is just something about the third stanza that struck me as "pow!" and it should be the ending of the poem.
Write on!
Reviewed for "Elizebeth's Quality Reviews!" Sorry it took so long!
A very romantic poem, I enjoyed it. The rhythm is a little sketchy though. You may want to just go back over it and count the syllables and see if any other words will fit in the places it sounds a little akward.
Write on!
Reviewed for "Elizebeth's Quality Reviews!" Sorry it took so long!
An interesting story. Something that was a new subject and written with talent. This piece was written very well and there was only one thing you may want to change,
“Octavius, listen to me. You will do better to deal with Nathan than anyone else,” said Servano,
Write on!
Reviewed for "Elizebeth's Quality Reviews!" Sorry it took so long!
An interesting piece you have here. I think the ending sums it all up. I really enjoyed it! I think the best line of the story was "He hadn’t had any water all day. By morning, he would be light enough for that angry old sun to carry him away."
There was a small amount of gramatical errors in this piece as well, great job!
Write on!
Reviewed for "Elizebeth's Quality Reviews!" Sorry it took so long!
Quite an interesting story you have started here. I'm not too sure if I like it that Sam stops loving Audrey, or at least caring for her, but it does make for a good story. Maybe he'll get sick of Jane not caring for anything or anyone and go back to Audrey. Let me know when you finish this story, I'd like to read the rest.
This is a fabulous poem. Mostly the same syllables every line, giving the poem a very good rhythm. I also like your rhyming scheme, it is great. A lot of people can't pull off writing a poem like this, congrats in doing so. You should keep writing.
*green*This story is quite different. I think you jump from one thing to another without smooth transistions. One second I am sitting listening to the characters introduce themselves the next they are talking about the writer and how much they love each other. It was quite odd. For a better read, try breaking up your paragraphs with spaces. For example, after your intro put two blank spaces in between it. This will help with the transitioning. But this story did make me smile a bit.
A wonderful little portfolio with some good reads in it. Although I know they aren't suppose to be good. I really enjoyed reading some of them and like I have said before, I miss slam poetry and other writings. Good job - keep it up.
I never really understood the whole purpose of SLAM poetry. I just don't get it. You have a good poem here, but I'm rating it a 1.5 because SLAM poetry is suppose to be bad, right? But it's really good. So does that make any sense? Not really.
A great plug for review pages! Thanks for this little helpful fella! This will help me in fidning some review places to look over the new essays I have just put up. And it's so easy to add your own review forum! I love it! Thanks again, I'll be using the Review Plug Page quite often.
This item really breaks down the basics on the Extended Item Statitics. I enjoyed reading this and I learned some new things to look for. Thanks for this! I always love learning new things to make my work better, and this little tool will be able to help me in doing so!
I have never seen an "Intro To My Port" item until today when I rated and reviewed one before this. It's such an interesting concept and I guess it makes sense. I really really enjoy these, because it draws your reader's in and it tells them where to go and where to find the things they are looking for. Great job!
A great way to get items that people don't look at out there! I know I have been trying to get some of my new activities out there, but no one looks at them. If they do, I don't know about it! Hopefully this will help in the publicity of my items as well as getting people involved! Thanks!!
This is a very interesting story line you have going here. I've never reviewed a screen play before so excuse me for not really adding in too many suggestions. I really like what you have going and it could make for an interesting movie. The only thing it's missing is a conflict... Just moving out of the city they live in because it's boring, I believe, isn't big enough. Good start though.
Write on!
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This is a wonderful idea! I was thinking about starting my own auction after I saw this one, although I think it would be very hard to keep track of everything. I love it though, great idea! I'm glad I could have been of help to it. You may want to post it in the "Contests" and "Activities" plug page!
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A great way to get writing.com member's contests out there! This page has served me very helpful in finding contests in which I can win gift points from if I win. A great idea to have a plug page for all the contests here on writing.com! Thanks so much!
This is a great plug page! It really gets all those activities out there. ^_^ I love looking through these pages to see what I can enter next. Thanks for this awesome chance! I also like the three item limit, so not one person can take of the whole activities page. Nice touch.
This is a very strong poem. It hits you deep. You may want to watch your puncuation, some of you stanzas have commas and then some don't. Stay persistant.
Some suggestions,
His smile used to make one richer.
Then his empty body left on grass. I think you may have a stronger line here, if you found another word for 'then.' Although no words come to me at this moment.
To wash away his pain, left here on this day. Your poem flows nicely until this point. Try to make this line shorter and to the point.
Of his killers only friend. Why would this little boy's smile fade with the killer's only friend? Wouldn't it fade with his family??
This is such a wonderful idea! And it also shows and giving people are on writing.com. Just to think about donating 250K giftpoints makes me google-eyed! There are a lot of gracious people on here. Thank you for this wonderful oppurtunity and I hope there are more "Season Tickets" to come!!
I like the beginning of your poem, it is very strong and it grabs your attention. It looks like you wrote it on a whim instead of sitting down and telling yourself "I'm going to write today." I like that.
Some things you may want to take a look at,
Before the clock struck twelve
Before you felt what that love could bring
You have a good rhythm going here but then you throw in the line,Before you ever even started to sing I just don't think this fits in with your other lines. Try writing a whole new line altogether and see what happens.
I'm really not particial to the ending, it makes an abrupt change. But overall you have a good outline for a good poem.
This is a wonderful idea! It not only helps out the people who are getting reviewed you are rewarded for giving other writer's good reviews! I will definately take advantage of this and try to rate and review as many things as possible in one day! Thanks for this awesome oppurtunity!!
This is a great way to help out people on writing.com that are getting harassed. I never thought I would see some rude people on here like I do. This is a great way to get those rude people out of writing.com for good. Thanks so much for having something like this!
I like the overall feel of your essay. Although it's a little bit out of my league, I still enjoyed reading it and becoming more knowledgeable, or maybe not, if I was a skeptic.
I think you need to pull your paragraphs together a little bit more though. Use some transitions or gradually go from one idea to the next. Try not to jump from Descartes to your beliefs so fast.
You guys have done a wonderful job on upgrading the unfortunate. I really appreciate what you are doing for the writing.com community. And I thank you over and over again for upgrading even my account! Now I am able to post my essays and poetry and not have to pick. Great idea and great team work! Thanks again!
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Let me know when you finish this story, I'd like to read the rest.
Hopefully this will help in the publicity of my items as well as getting people involved! Thanks!!