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4 Public Reviews Given
4 Total Reviews Given
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Review of The Fun House  
Review by elysium
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Hi Tom,

My thoughts while reading.

The three of us sat on our bikes in front of school after classes had let out for the week. We were discussing our weekend plans when I again brought up an idea I had been pushing for months.

The first sentence seems unnecessarily wordy.
Suggest-
Friday 4pm. The three of us sat on our bikes in front of school after classes. We were discussing our weekend plans when I again brought up an idea I had been pushing for months.

I started having doubts while a strange feeling crept through my body. Started and while contradict.
Suggest-
I started having doubts when a strange feeling crept through my body - Or -
A strange feeling crept through my body and I started having doubts.

During the forty minutes I had until I'd climb out my bedroom window, I studied the map. Time passed slowly, heightening my fears and doubts.
-Nice line, starts to add tension.

Johnny kept quiet while we continued our journey. Even in the dark, I sensed he was pouting.
- Good characterisation.

Flashes of lightning in the distance added dashes of spice to the scene.
-Think this is a mistake. It throws the reader off the tension. When it’s best to keep it building. Suggest - added dashes of gothic horror or unwelcome menace to the scene.

I thought I saw one of the clown's eyes open wider. - Brilliant!.

Becky's answer to my call was a terrifying scream that came from the other side of the rotating barrel. I threw off my backpack and stepped inside, losing my balance immediately.
-This is well done.

Summary.
I loved it. I think it captured the ages of the main characters perfectly, bravado and foolishness. The details and settings were clear and descriptive. The tension was well sustained, the action tight and the pace ripped along nicely.

I pondered for a second whether he would have cycled off and left his friends, but then I thought about it and the combination of fear and his young age and the fact that he thought his friends could be playing a trick on him convinced me that he probably would.

Hugely enjoyable - Well done.
2
2
Review by elysium
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hi Shukare, This is my first review here. I have been active on other writing sites, but not sure what is expected here, so I am not sure if I am doing what is expected.

2nd paragraph.
Everything was normal for him except for sex it was under normal actually it rarely happened because his wife was somehow cold and it was obvious he wasn`t attractive.

Missing commas? Suddenly all punctuation has disappeared. It doesn’t make complete sense as the statement contradicts itself.


Arjun thought about the artificial sex he once heard about, after work he drove his car heading for the club he got its address from the internet.

This is confusing, missing punctuation and has tense slip.
Suggest.
Arjun thought about the artificial sex he once heard about. He got the address of the club from the internet, and after work, headed straight for it.

gray tie and black shoe – shoe should be shoes? Unless he has one leg?

She mentioned (right then left) after she almost screamed with (Artificial Sex) and everybody laughed.

Should mentioned be she motioned right then left? after she almost screamed with (Artificial Sex)

I Have no idea what she almost screamed with (Artificial Sex) means and not sure what the scandal effect is?

Witnesses said (they were shocked by a naked man broke into the striptease hall an attacked the dancers, but when the receptionist shouted at him he jumped over her and strangled her with his hands).

This doesn’t make any sense. by a naked man broke? an should be and
Suggest-
Witnesses said (they were shocked when a naked man broke into the striptease hall and attacked the dancers. Then when the receptionist shouted at him he jumped over her and strangled her with his hands).

Sorry, I couldn’t understand what this was about. The lack of punctuation and tense switches made it very confusing for the reader. Also sure what the parentheses are for?

I hope something that I have suggested is helpful.
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