Sad tale, I feel like the shortness of this work doesn't do it justice. It is one of those interesting more because it's short then actually good. This can be significantly enhanced. More emotion might be needed. This is a good as a start (outline) but not as a finished work.
Intresting and relatable. I felt the desperation in the beginning and the determination at the end. I usually like poems that have a flow that this doesn't have but I think this poem has a lot of good qualities that make for a good start.
I think the story was very descriptive and I read through the whole thing without leaving (I dont always do that)
I want to point out that you missed putting a white line between the third and forth line aswell as the line " I just wanted someone to come and save me. To help me get out of there." would flow better like "I just wanted someone to come save me and help me out"
Those are the only two mistakes I saw and well done on a story well done
Shows the sad world in which we lived in. The message is clear and to the point. The first paragraph did't flow as well as the other paragraphs.
Overall great piece
Well made piece. I was at the edge of my seat as I read through this story. Loved how you added so much suspense. The descriptions were great. I think you could have made/shown Paul fight/run a little more instead of having it cut like that but overall well done
It flowed nicely. Just think the format is a bit suspect for me. Love the word choices though especially in the beginning. If you enter inbetween some of the paragraphs it might flow much better.
Example instead of
Terror-filled but still undaunted, by the horrors hid within.
choose
Terror-filled but still undaunted
by the horrors hid within.
While I think this story is a good start, I think it could be prolonged and expanded a little bit. Also at times I don't know who's talking which is a little frustrating.
All in all the idea is really interesting but I feel you didnt take full advantage of the idea you came up with. Keep writing and improving with every story
Nice poem about a baby entering a dark world. I don't know if it was intended this way but I kinda started singing the words in my head. That pretty much means that it flows really nicely. If it actually becomes a song, I'll be intrested in hearing it someday.
Nice job
Once upon a time there was a king of a castle. Everyday,he ate his favorite soup. One day,his favorite soup was not on the table. Because of that,he went to every kitchen staff to ask them about his soup. Until finally,one of them admitted to eating the soup that was supposed to be on the table.
Is this a true story? I was a little confused about the "Click on picture to collect." Great descriptions of the events that unfolded. They left no room to question except for who committed the crime. I figure that we aren't supposed to know who did it.
Only problem is if its a real story then be clear up front about it. If it's not a real story then remove the bottom part of the story
Good writing
Agreed with this message never ever touch drugs. Also I put a summary down below to help.
I like how this piece brings awareness to an issue that many overlook. I also noticed a ryme pattern. I think this piece could use a little more description or shortened sentences so the rymes stand out. Well done
Overall
The message is inspiring
The ryming was there
Some added descriptions or shortened sentences
I'm a little confused what your trying to say. Maybe it's because I just don't understand the format. I would try to connect the words. Ok just ask for the gift point reward back
Very intresting piece. The character development is top notch. I could feel the fear in the main character and I really want to know her secret which is probably something that her dad did. Definitely worth a lot of praise.
That was heavy. Anyway I understand. This world sucks. Like you I wish things were different and we agree on environmental friendly policies but I think I'm a little bit farther to the left.
Anyways good luck on Writing.com. I hope you enjoy it here.
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