"And Hannah said, "yes, I guess it has been that long"
I'd cut the "And Hannah said". It's almost certain that when a question is
asked, the next person to speak is the one who was asked for an answer.
"We're both scientists"
Nothing rally wrong with that, but do those two scientist need to remind
themselves that they are in fact scientists. Seems like you're info-dumping
to the reader.
I like how you get right into it, and doesn't waste the precious first lines on description. But some description feels needed quick. These two people have a long conversation, but it's had to see it happen, for i have no idea where they're at or what they look like.
" My grandfather worked for the FBI and told me how do dodge a tail. "
Again info-dumping. would a real Hanna feel it necessary to tell the other guy her backstory, or would she just say " I think I'm being followed."
"She couldn't tell if it was danger or just that odd feeling you get when you can tell something isn't right."
You use the word "tell" twice. Usually better not to do that.
"She also thought that maybe she should hide the manuscript somewhere."
I'm not really sure what bothers me about this, but " she ALSO thought" that's just weird :) Narrator should be a invisible thing, but "also" makes him very present. Like he's telling this story to my ear, and he just remembered what she also thought.
"Needless to say"
The same thing.
" The head of the lab threatened to cut funding, but of course they both knew that was bulls***."
If this isn't relevant to the future of the story, I would just cut it.
( writing in the POV of a genius is something I would avoid, unless you are a genius as well :) People want to get inside the head of the characters, so I would only write about people who you can understand.)
I like how at first the guy describes Hannah in a way that could show romantic interest, but then you say he thinks somewhat of her as a daughter. That's freaky, the kind of stuff I'd write about. :D
"He guessed he should take this to a friend of his, probably the only one he trusted not to try and steal it since it might be worth something if the original that she had shown him were to be found again, and if it really dated back as far as she claimed, which he no longer doubted after trying to read some of the text."
A run-on sentence.
You start the story fast, which i like, but then you go into A LOT of backstory. Try to fade it throughout the book, instead of giving it all at once.
"I guess by now you are asking how did Hannah get this book."
Now I'm a bit confused. :D
So, you are actually telling the story? But who are you then? Are you one of the characters? Who are you telling this too? A class of students? I'm not sure i like this. Narrator should be invisible.
In conclusion.
The story is weirdly structured, which is fine, but to make it work, you need to make things more clear. Try to figure out what is REALLY important, and only keep that.
Check out you active/passive and past/present. You seem to be jumping from one to another. That's not good.
Read through your story and try to cut the things a real character would never tell. Like, in the movies, there is almost always a new guy on a spaceship. That's so there is someone you could tell about the black holes. He needs to be new, because all the pilots already know everything there is to know, so they wouldn't have that conversation.
I'm not a native English speaker, so I vowed to never correct grammar. There seemed to be some problems though.
I think this story can be good, but it's not there. If you are yet to rewrite it, do so. If you have for 5 time, do one more. There is no shame in rewriting, the book I'm working on is on its 10th or so rewrite.
This thing got so long that I'm not going to read it back, so, sorry for the grammar errors I left.
But keep at it.
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