I discovered this item by chance while I was browsing WdC's homepage, and I decided to take a look at it since the title and description caught my attention. Good job on that! I always think that no matter how great a piece is, if the author can't even entice the reader via the premise, then more than half the potential readers would be lost. You created an air of mystery with your description and piqued my curiosity, and I'm happy to say that you held me captivated throughout your piece.
Things I liked: You had a story, and you expressed it well in poetic format. Your choice of words kept the piece interesting; the descriptions used painted the scene vividly and very effectively for me as the reader. I felt that I was beside the intruder while he was cautiously moving around the house. Good job! Short, but sweet. You didn't overdo this piece. You chose your words wisely, and it is totally up to you if you want to create a sequel. But even if you don't, that will take nothing away from this piece. The cliffhanger is even satisfying. It gave the reader a chance to create their own hypothesis for what happened next.
Favorite Line: It smells of cedar blocks and old perfume This line just made the whole piece come alive for me. The words are so simple, and yet it set the entire mood. You described the sounds, the sights, and even the smells. You can say my fancy took flight! I applaud you for putting in so much in such a short piece. Well done.
Suggestion(s): I am no expert, so it's totally up to you whether you take these humble suggestions or not. I believe whose, not who's should be used in the first line. Since you are asking a question at the end of the second line, it might be better if you used a question mark instead of a period. The last lines from the second to the fourth stanzas might be better off if split into two. The flow would be improved; try reading it aloud. It would let you determine the right flow of the piece and help you decide if you want to split the lines or keep it as it is. Second line, last stanza: towards instead of toward? The flow and read of the last line may be better if you add some punctuation marks, particularly a comma after leave and you see. I'm not sure what I feel about the use of (...) twice, though. Commas would've sufficed in this part, because the rest of the piece was already building up to this revelation and you do not need to put more stress in the reveal.
All in all, you did an amazing job. I gave you a perfect rating because all the suggestions I mentioned are mere technicalities that didn't stop me from enjoying your work.
I was looking for a random read and happened on your story. I only set out to read and not to review, but it is my inclination to give a comment whenever I feel that a piece is a good one. Short, but well written. You introduced the characters in such a way that even if the reader's knowledge of their backgrounds/traits is almost next to nothing, they are made believable. I love the twist in the end—that is what made me write this review in the first place.
The only reason why I deducted the .5 from my review rating is the fact that I almost stopped halfway through this piece, right when it's revealed that one of them is a _____ (don't want to spoil the surprise ). It's just not my thing, so don't take this negatively; I was also thinking of a more realistic "forbidden love", and so was a bit disappointed to find this out. However, as my habit, I skimmed down to the last part, and the words "Oh my gosh" came out of my mouth—and I'm not kidding you there.
You did really well in building up the tension and conflict. I also love your word choices, especially for the last sentence. It is so simple, and yet it carries so much weight that I actually felt for the characters. That, my friend, is a hard thing to do, with such a short story like this.
I've been looking around the site for something worthwhile to read, and I'm glad I've found your portfolio. Stories like this one always grabs my attention, and so after reading the prologue I thought I would share my thoughts with you before moving on to the next part.
Here are the points I like in this piece: Attention-grabbing. I'm sure that even those who do not prefer fantasy and mythology would be intrigued with this, just on title and description alone. Somehow, it seemed to promise something bigger for the readers, and that is just what I am hoping to discover. Highly entertaining. On most novels/serial I've read in the site so far, I must admit that after the prologue or first chapter (sometimes only halfway through), I lose interest and move on to the next piece which would grab my attention. This one, however, kept me interested and made me want to read more and find out what would happen. Suspense. It's great how you present mysteries and pose questions on the first scene. As a reader, I find that my patience quickly runs out when the author keeps explaining everything right on the bat; one should find the balance between keeping the audience guessing and in suspense and giving them all the answers, leaving them with a predictable plot and resolution. You did really well here. Characterization. There is nothing I love more than originality, and I found them in your characters. I feel this is a great way to start a story and imprint an image on the readers' minds so it won't be easily forgotten.
Now, the only area which left me wanting were your descriptions. I would have enjoyed reading this more if you had described the characters, their weapons, and their expressions more thoroughly. You did write some good points regarding that, but I'm the kind who wants to capture the scene with my imagination so I felt some descriptions fell through a gap.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece. I will definitely be back for the next installment. Happy writing!
I came upon your piece while on a random search of the site, and I'm glad I happened upon it. I really liked how you wrote this; it is bleeding with emotion and I can feel it seep out of the words. You did the form perfectly. The story in the piece also enchanted me—you had my attention from the first line to the last. The play of words is also excellent, and I applaud you for this wonderful poem.
I am glad you decided to share this with us in the site. We are privileged. Kudos to you.
This is my second review for the day. I was certainly intrigued by the title and description of this story; I was surprised as to what this is about, though; I rarely read shorts like this, where women of this age are the main characters. I enjoyed reading this, though.
The memories she recalled while in the attic still held a bit of mystery, and I liked that. You gave me, the reader, a few snapshots of what happened to her when she was young, and I just find it fascinating to know the past of a person, especially in the character's age. I think making a novel out of her life, from childhood right up to her last moments, will be an ambitious undertaking but nevertheless will be a great read—history mingled with the personal experiences of memorable characters.
I noticed, though, that some words have been used too much, like attic and red. It would be wise to find a synonym to replace some of them.
As for the ending, again, you did it really well. The image you leave behind is lasting; it is imprinted in the imagination of the reader and that makes it effective. I found your choice of words very satisfying as well.
*indent*pencilsoverpens asked me to do some reviews for you, so here I am, nosing around your port . I hope you don't mind; I surely don't! I'm glad she asked me to do some reviews for you, because I was really touched when I read this story. This is no lie—my eyes actually watered when I finished this. I thought it was really beautiful how you ended the story, with death painted as a blessing to Rose. The fallen daffodil was effective in producing a scenario.
I really liked the characters here. Even though this is a very short story, they were loveable. Their qualities shone through, and I felt as if I knew them for a long time. Jimmy is just the kind of character a reader immediately likes, and Rose is the kind who, as the story progresses, becomes connected with the readers. Well done!
I want to suggest some things, though. I am not an expert in grammar, but I think some of the punctuation needs some work. They are really small details, like a comma or an M-dash, and it's up to you if you want to do a reread and edit the piece a bit. But overall, this is a really good story. I absolutely love it.
Keep writing, Fyn! God bless you.
Hello there! Welcome to Writing.Com. I'm glad you decided to share your poetry with us here on the site; here is my review on your piece. I hope it will be helpful.
Overall Impressions: I liked the imagery and wordplay here. You described a really beautiful setting. It reminded me of L.M. Montgomery's descriptions in her books—it brings the life out of the words into the minds of the readers.
However, I feel that because of the separation of lines, the meaning tends to get confusing. Maybe it is just me, but I think it will be better if you revise this a bit. Of course, this is only my opinion.
My Favorite Part:On papered heads, on pressed assorted dress,
Write On! God bless you.
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Welcome to Writing.Com! I'm glad you decided to join this site and share some of your works; I hope you're enjoying this online community. Let me do my share of welcoming you by offering my opinion on this piece of yours—I hope it will be helpful.
The Positives: The subject of this piece is interesting. I am sure mnay other members of the site will find this certain issue something they would like to read about, and that covers 'audience appeal'. Another thing I liked about this is you incorporated your own experiences to show examples. It will assure the readers that someone has gone through such things and there is a way to get out of those trying times. Your quotes of song lyrics, etc., also adds some flavor into this essay. It made me, as the reader, feel comfortable and relaxed, as of I'm actually taking—not reading—to someone familiar.
Some things to work on: You might want to do a reread so you can smooth out the few wrinkles I stumbled on while I was reading. They were minor grammatical errors, but nonetheless, I think they need to be adressed (look specifically in the second paragraph). On the other hand, although the easy and informal manner in which way this was written makes the reader feel comfortable, I would suggest down-palying that informality a bit. There were parts where they give off a negative effect. Keep in mind that you did not just write it for yourself, but for others as well. With that thought in mind, you might also want to expand on this a little bit. You know, add more 'guidance' into it.
Overall, you did a nice job with this article. I wish you all the best with your writing; thank you for sharing this with us!
God bless you.
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First of all, I want to say Welcome to Writing.Com! I'm glad you decided to join this online community; I hope you are enjoying your stay so far.
As for you poem, I think there is a lot of potential in it. The main/general idea behind it is strong—both in imagery and emotion, and I really think you can take advantage of that core root. I also have a few suggestions on how you can improve this piece, if you don't mind. Ignore or use them. Whichever way, feel free.
Make sure every line is clear; do not confuse your readers. The fourth and fifth verse are examples of confusing statements. Did you mean you wanted to exhale everything that makes you hurt as well as anyone enabling you to breath? If they are keeping you breathing, why would you want to get them out of your life, and why did you use 'exhale' as the verb? It sounds funny, since they were keeping you 'breathing'. Separation of lines. You should know when to end a line and when to start a line, because it can affect the flow of the piece. Punctuation marks are important. In my opinion, punctuation adds life to a piece because it enhances the emotions expressed by the words through stressing them or vice versa. You can read the piece aloud to make the above suggestions/edits easier.
God bless you. Write On!
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I can really see that you dislike winter by looking over your port and reading this piece . I wouldn't know whether to agree with you or not because I live in a tropical country, but no worries since you conveyed your emotions pretty well. I really enjoyed the read and found the parts which rhymed adorable (for lack of a better word ).
The only suggestion I have for you is about the last line. I think is should be added after winter, or just edit and write winter's.
My Favorite Part:
A Robin flees, a cold harsh breeze,
Just bare and leaveless trees remain,
The geese in tight formation fly away,
You provided really good imagery. I could vividly imagine the sceneries you painted within my mind's eye. You opened strongly, with the first line illustrating action, and it can immediately catch the attention of the readers.
Overall, you did a very good job in writing this. Thank you for sharing your work with us. God bless you!
The title and item description of your piece intrigued me, and I think you did a good job of picking them out. They do catch attention, and that's really important. As for the message of the poem, I think it is beautiful; it's like something fragile that needs to be handles with care, or it might break or desolve. I really liked the whole 'aura' the piece produced—it had the sweetness, the happiness, the sadness and the romance factors. Well done.
The only negative comment I can say about this is the way the lines as separated. Maybe this is more of a personal preference, but I find it distracting for a continuing thought to be separated. I do not mean for you to write one sentence per line, but atleast finish the thought of the phrase before creating a new one. This is what I mean:
I never saw flourish
but once, and never saw die,
The thought is continuous yet you separated them. It can get confusing, because the thought seemed to end but then when I read the next line, it was actually a continuous one. Here is my suggestion:
I never saw flourish but once,
and never saw die,
also, I don't thin you need a comma at the end of the first line. It disrupted the flow.
These are only my suggestions so please feel free to take any or none of them. Thank you for sharing this piece with us, and keep writing!
This is a fun poll! Now I know that many people snore. I used to snore very loud as a kid, but that ceased as I grew older. But now, my sister said I'm doing it again! Quietly now, though.
It's interesting to know these details about people ... I think it's what makes you really know them, you know? Thank you for creating this wonderful poll. Have a great day!
"Invalid Item"
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What a wonderful piece! You proclaimed your beliefs through good poetry, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. The play of words was exquisite and well constructed; I like how you devised the flow as well.
My Favorite Part:
Cut me not
with your eyes.
Tear not my heart,
With your lies.
You have a good rhyme going, a smooth read, and a message that can usher some people to think more seriously about child abuse. Good job!
"Invalid Item"
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This is darker than the ones I have previously reviewed, and I commend you for your effort to capture the dark moments of a soul. It is true that even though most people declare they don't need help, they actually need and want it badly. I glimpsed that factor in the lines of the piece and I think that's a well-captured truth.
However, I find the ending less than satisfying (for me). The last line didn't really fit the whole 'auara' of the poem—it was like a different voice suddenly intruded and ended it for the original narrator. Yes, there is the factor of wanting help underneath it all, but there are more subtle ways to do that. The direct proclamation kind of ruined the whole mood for me. I also felt that it was not the appropriate final line because it didn't tie things up that well.
My suggestion is more imagery; more figurative than literal. Again, these are only one humble reader's suggestion, so feel free to take or ignore them. Have a blessed day!
"Invalid Item"
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Again, this is a sweet poem with a really nice message. It's cool of you to write poems for friends and family—it's something I have only tried once.
Just like the previous item I reviewed, I find this poem lacking character; it's a nice read but it didn't really capture my full attention. Honestly speaking in my opinion, it needs more spice because it is too bland. Also, adding punctuation marks will help convey the emotion more effectively and help better the read. Lastly, I bring up the subject of having a specific format again for it does help with the flow.
These, however, are only my thoughts. If you find my suggestions rude or without basis, then please feel free to ignore them. I only hope they will be helpful to you in some way.
Keep writing!
"Invalid Item"
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This is really nice of you to write a poem for your loved ones! I'm guessing your sister and her beau appreciated this.
Suggestion: Have a specific syllable count. I think you already have a rhyme scheme going, but having a format will really help make the flow smoother and the read better.
The most negative aspect of the piece is its cliché nature. I can safely say that this is not a memorable piece and there are a lot of other poems out there with the same thing to say. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but a little more imagery would be good for this.
Write on!
"Invalid Item"
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I find this a really nice read. The words you chose were simple yet powerful, directing vivid imagination to the mind of this reader. The bolded words may be because of a requirement of a contest you may have entered this into, but I think it also makes the piece stand out more. The bolded words were the right ones to set apart for they are the main focus of the descriptions in the poem—I think it makes the piece stronger.
I also like the flow because it was smooth and gave way for an easy read. The first line was tied well with the one after it, and so on and so forth.
The only reason why I didn't give this five stars doesn't have anything to do with technicalities, but is because of the 'emotional hit' this piece gave me. I wasn't that moved, if you know what I mean.
But overall, you did very very well in writing this piece. Thank you for sharing this with us. God bless you!
"Invalid Item"
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I think this is a perfect, little poem that both children and adults will enjoy. The wordplay is really good and the imagery ignites the imagination to wander; a story can even be built from this piece, and that means you achieved the goal of saying everything needed to be conveyed in such a short space. You didn't waste any words, and the flow is smooth. Overall, you did an excellent job of writing this so I gladly give you five stars.
This is a nice poem, which I think children will really enjoy. With a little polishing, I am positive that adults will as well. I already did!
I only have a few suggestions. Please ignore them if you don't find them helpfyl; it's alright because this is your piece! I do hope it will be helpful, though.
Suggestions: Do not end each line with a period. Experiment with punctuation marks; I believe that using them correctly will really help the poem flow better and convey emotions more effectively. Have a specific format you can follow. For example, you can have 8-7-8-7, abab. In that case, the first line should have 8 syllables, the second have 7, and so on and so forth. The rhyme scheme should also fit, and in the example format I gave, the first and third lines should rhyme and the second and fourth line of every verse should rhyme. If you need help to find rhyming words, you can go to http://rhymer.com/. No need to upper-case the start of every line. If the thought is continuous, then do not capitalize. Treat this like prose when it comes to that as well as in punctuation marks.
I like the progression of the piece because it told a story in full. You did well in that.
Keep writing, and thank you for sharing your works with us. God bless!
"Invalid Item"
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I enjoyed reading this piece. The tone is not the usual kind I get; there si something different (and darker, I think) infused inside its lines, and I think that is what makes it effective. It's really good how real the message seems to be, as if someone who is very troubled wrote this. Did you create this during such a time or not? Because this has the eerie tone of being disturbed.
The last eight lines were not as good as the first ones in my opinion, though. Maybe it's because of the flow or something; I'm sorry I can't be more specific, but this is only an opinion.
Write On!
"Invalid Item"
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This is the last of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this r/r will be helpful to you!
Overall Impressions:
What a sad and yet sweet love story. It tickled my heart how their love story started—with teasing and a slap in the face—but made me mourn with the lead female at the loss of the one she loves. It's just sad, and it touched my heart. Why can't writers just do happy endings all the time, huh? But I guess not doing fairytale endings is what makes the story come so alive and realsitic.
Again, the only suggestion I have is for you to reread this piece and correct some punctuation mark placement.
I really enjoyed my travel to your port. Your stories are always a joy to read, and I hope many more will read and be touched by them. Keep doing what you are doing, because it is working. God bless you!
This is the tenth of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this r/r will be helpful to you!
Overall Impressions:
What a cute story! I enjoy reading high school life and romances every now and then, especially if it's good ... and this one certainly is. Marcia is adorable, and so is Alex! Again, I find myself wanting to read more. If ever you do decide to expand some of your works, I would be really happy if you include this one. This story just makes me smile!
A few suggestions:
if she was ever given the chance to smile, that is.
Amanda was one of those acquaintances, mind you, but Marcia just had to tell someone.
This is the ninth of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this r/r will be helpful to you!
Overall Impressions:
I enjoyed reading this short. I seriously thought some crime was comitted, and when David didn't find the girl I thought she was the one who stood behind him (the clammy stuff). Good twist, nice ending.
I have several suggestions, though. Ignore them if you find them too annoying.
It’s not a bad place, don’t get me wrong, a. After all, I was born and raised in Logan’s Helm, but I’ll be damned if every once in a while I didn’t want something exciting to happen.
I mean, who would?
If I can only get the damn thing out of its clip,that is. You can also just omit the underlined part.
This is the eighth of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this r/r will be helpful to you!
Overall Impressions:
This was good read. It was really interesting, because you kept me guessing as to what absurb events would happen next . This was the ultimate case of bad luck. As usual, the ending was great; it tied the piece up perfectly. Humor wasn't lost on this one, either. I was amused by the reaction of the lead male several times throughout the story. Haha, he was just so helpless! You wove this tale well.
I only have one suggestion:
She saunters into the house, leaving me gawking in disbelief.
This is the seventh of twelve short story reviews you have been gifted through "Invalid Item" . I hope this r/r will be helpful to you!
Overall Impressions:
What a sad story! I was hoping that Daniel would find the creature and kill it. The ending was heartbreaking, too—the picture of a wife waiting for a husband that would not return. Even though this is only fiction, my heart still goes out to Maryann.
Suggestions: Again, please feel free to take any or none of my suggestions below.
Finally, he had made up his mind to search for it himself, knowing that he would have to find this creature or his daughter’s soul would never find peace.
He tugged the high speed reel closer and towards the stern. B, bracing himself as he set up the lure at the end of his fishing line.
Oblivious to the tears that slid down his cheeks, and when the first tug came, it took him a full minute to comprehend what was finally happening.
Maryann pours herself a cup of coffee and watches the sun rise in the horizon, and aAlthough its been two days since she last saw him, she still waits patiently for his return.
Write On!
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You had a story, and you expressed it well in poetic format.
It gave the reader a chance to create their own hypothesis for what happened next.
I believe whose, not who's should be used in the first line.
). It's just not my thing, so don't take this negatively; I was also thinking of a more realistic "forbidden love", and so was a bit disappointed to find this out. However, as my habit, I skimmed down to the last part, and the words "Oh my gosh" came out of my mouth—and I'm not kidding you there. 
Attention-grabbing. I'm sure that even those who do not prefer fantasy and mythology would be intrigued with this, just on title and description alone. Somehow, it seemed to promise something bigger for the readers, and that is just what I am hoping to discover.
This is my second review for the day. I was certainly intrigued by the title and description of this story; I was surprised as to what this is about, though; I rarely read shorts like this, where women of this age are the main characters. I enjoyed reading this, though. 
Make sure every line is clear; do not confuse your readers. The fourth and fifth verse are examples of confusing statements. Did you mean you wanted to exhale everything that makes you hurt as well as anyone enabling you to breath? If they are keeping you breathing, why would you want to get them out of your life, and why did you use 'exhale' as the verb? It sounds funny, since they were keeping you 'breathing'.
or without basis, then please feel free to ignore them. I only hope they will be helpful to you in some way. 
You can also just omit the underlined part.
Again, please feel free to take any or none of my suggestions below.