 A Review from the Paper Doll Gang
Hi, very thankful  !
As part of this week's homework assignment, I have just finished reading your story, "The Night"  , and was inspired to offer you a few comments. Please remember that these are the thoughts of only one reader, so you should take whatever insights you find useful and completely disregard everything else. 
 Initial Thoughts:
I found this little introduction to Deacon and its unusual inhabitants very intriguing, particularly since you took care to present it from the perspective of an outsider. It's such a shame we don't see more of what happens to Kenny afterwards, don't you think? Or perhaps even Lucifer and Cydia? That would make for interesting reading.  Seriously, though, I am intrigued as to whether this is part of a larger story or whether you intended this to be a standalone piece. It really could work either way and could perhaps even stand in as a prologue to one of the longer books.
Strengths:
You have a very vivid understanding of the town and its characters, and you don't waste time overly explaining everything to the reader. It's incredibly important to me as a reader that authors don't spell everything out for me, and I'm glad you've assumed your readers are smart enough to figure some things out on their own.
Setting:
Deacon, for all of its intriguing differences, does have a certain small town feel to it. Where else would the mayor and her husband the sheriff welcome someone obviously new and lost wandering the town? I would love more active descriptions of the town's specifics, however. Are the roads asphalt, gravel, or dirt? Are streets lined with trees or planting boxes? What season is the story set in? Is it slightly cool in early spring, or is Kenny drenched in sweat of the heat of the summer? We get Kenny's description of the "fog," but it's fairly obvious that he's not encountering a normal fog. Deacon is such an intriguing town it seems almost a waste not to present it in glorious technicolor for your readers' imaginations.
Plot/Structure:
There are a few questions/suggestions I have regarding some of the specifics in your plot that you might want to consider if and when you make rewrites.
Spoilers! ▼
1. Kenny admits that he knew his leather bag was full of money. Why would a man toting a bag of stolen (and that part we assume that Cydia isn't lying about) hand it to a random woman standing behind a counter rather than take it into the bathroom with him? It kind of felt awkward at the very beginning anyway, but once you know what's inside it feels even more forced. Why not start the story in the restroom, where he's nervously tittering about with his bag, notices the odd curfew sign, etc., then have him introduce himself to the woman behind the counter when he leaves? Just a suggestion that might smooth out the strangeness of the opening.
2. It seems too foolhardy that Kenny would randomly go for a quick walk only because of restlessness, particularly since there is the curfew. There are a couple of things that might help your believability here. If he's a bank robber (which the reader is meant to believe later), then he already has a certain disregard for rules. Why not have him say as such to the girl at the counter? "I've never been much for following curfews" or something along those lines. Her response would depend on her character, but it would at least give the reader the idea that the man might be a bit of a rule breaker. You could also have Kenny sit in his room and fret for a bit before heading outside. Maybe he hears weird sounds or something coming from inside or outside of the hotel room that drives him outside. Who knows?
3. The "twist." It was fairly reasonable for the reader to follow along that Cydia and Lucifer were doing something nefarious with Kenny when they offered him the "Sleeping Human" as a drink. It was quite a big surprise when we discover why they did it. The best plot twists (and I consider the revelation of Kenny's secret such a twist) have just enough foreshadowing that the reader goes "Man, why didn't I see that coming?" I don't really feel that twist had much of any foreshadowing. Kenny doesn't act overly nervous about much of anything, nor does he seem like the hardened criminal type. There just isn't enough information in this one excerpt about him to draw from that might even lead a reader to faintly suspect the twist at the end.
4. Perhaps a nitpicky detail, perhaps not. Kenny wakes up a captive in pain, but you don't really know why (other than being bound to a wall, which frankly can be quite painful if you're unconscious). Then once Lucifer starts beating him, he says "Not again!" as if he remembers it happening before. Does he wake up more than once? I didn't really understand that part as well.
Conflict:
Spoilers! ▼The main conflict here is not revealed until close to the end of the story. I mean, you have this conflict between Kenny and the rules of the town (evidenced by his willingness to break town curfew on a whim), but it's so mild it's almost invisible. There is a bigger conflict between the Websters and Kenny when they discover what he's done, but there's really no hope for Kenny at all, no sign of his attempting to get out, win, etc. By the time he even realizes there's a conflict with them, it's too late for him. The setting of the town and the establishment of the characters holds most of the intrigue in this piece. I'd love to see a bit more attention given to the conflict inherent in this story as a standalone work.
Characterization:
I really love Cydia in this piece. She's friendly but conniving and downright coldhearted, and I love how excited she gets from a little cruelty.
The only character I really didn't have any strong feelings regarding would be the story's protagonist, Kenny. We find out that perhaps he is more than he seems, but we don't find that out until later. Before the climax he feels bland, like he's just there as a random victim. Perhaps he's a random deserving victim, but from the little bit of description we get of him before the climax, there's not a lot for the reader to grasp onto. You can't really cheer him on because you don't know him enough to like him. You CAN cheer on Cydia and Lucifer (if you're twisted like I am anyway) just because they're so diabolical, but you don't actually wish Kenny any ill will either. In fact, he seems to just go with the flow so easily (it's not like Cydia had to WORK much to get him to do what she wanted) that in the end you want him to suffer because he deserves it for not being more careful, not because he is or isn't an inherently bad person. And that leaves me blaming the victim. Tut tut on me...
Suggestions for Improvement:
1. I think the beginning needs a stronger hook. At the very least, Kenny deserves a name earlier on. Since you're writing in third person limited, Kenny knows his name and would not describe himself as a "blond man." I also wonder whether you might find a better place to start the story in general. Maybe he's already in the restroom, worried about the contents of his bag (although you don't need to reveal what those are), and wondering exactly what the sign means. The first two paragraphs (dialogue dependent of course) seem almost irrelevant.
2. It is quite difficult to engage a reader using dialogue-heavy stories. It's not impossible mind you, and there are some great ones out there. In this particular case, though, I often feel like I'm listening to a conversation through the wall of my apartment. I can get an idea of what the neighbors are talking about, but I can't really emotionally engage with it because it lacks context. Within the context of a bigger work, these sorts of scenes might work well, because you have other places where you can more fully immerse the reader in the story and help them fall in love with the characters. As a standalone, there isn't enough detail surrounding the dialogue to really get the reader drawn in to the world.
 Overall Rating: 3.0 out of 5
You have a wonderfully creative town and story laid out here and in your other works, and I know they have the potential to become the kind of stories I would read over and over again as I relished in the sheer delight of evil. (We all have our dark sides, yes?  ) I do think the execution could use some work to really engage the readers (namely, me) and help them become immersed in your dreamscape.
I hope you are having an excellent day, and please do let me know if I can ever help with anything else.
  Amalie
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Great job!
Two things that I feel I should bring to your attention: