This was an interesting concept, nicely set up in the first sentence.
The intro was laid out well and continued to pique my curiosity, and would be further interested to learn how significant the 18th century comes to be, learning that Stelsong is now stranded on earth.
The characters came across as intelligent creatures, and the names did well in evoking otherworldly ideas. Would be great to learn more about their origins (in the world you have created and how you created them).
On the description of the aliens, having read and seen lots of Sci-Fi, I would have liked more exotic description cues, to help texturize them in my imagination. Not overly critical to the story, but would really help invite the reader to imagine these fascinating creatures.
I got a little confused with the punctuation, the quotation marks in particular. I had to re-read as I missed the "unexpected event"(**) cue. “Not sure checking readouts now,” Pelaris answered calmly. **An unexpected event, not enough time to avoid. Execute escape velocity now thrusters to maximum!”
With the crashing to earth part of the story, I feel the dialogue got in the way of the actual near-death incident a little, while I got a good sense of the ship breaking apart and Stelsong being torn between trying to land, I didn't feel she was doing anything, other than just watching the display. She should have been wrestling with controls or at least attempting to land (like a passenger trying to land a plane cause the pilot passed out).
I liked the cutaway to the humans getting into action, although I would like to have seen a contrast of fear and greed from the people/smugglers as I am sure anyone from that era would have been scared out of their minds witnessing a flaming craft crashing out of the sky. Plus not sure the cut to the ship on the ledge fits in as the last sentence here.
Enjoyed the feeling towards the end, where Stelsong is getting ready to move on and in to the world. However Pelaris's dialogue seemed a bit too long for his condition. Perhaps him spitting out words where Stel is trying to piece together what he is trying to say, adding to the time pressure of the balancing ship would help emphasise her situation.
Not sure what Stelsong is to do with the data, perhaps that may have been part of the cryptic message from Pel's last words, get the reader guessing and make the data and Stelsongs survival crucial!
My last observation was putting Pel in the life pod, sure why she would send him to the deep while he is already doomed to go down with the ship into the fathomless depths. I would have turned this the other way around, Stel using the pod to reach the surface from the shelf in one piece.
Overall a good beginning! You've done well to create a foundation for an adventure and I enjoyed reading it and critiquing too, as there is lots of potential here :D
Argh! Does Lovalor actually die?! Does the beauty he spied on the hill rescue him!?
This was a fun read, I was immersed from the start and taken head-first into a war I need to know more about! Lot's going on and the world felt textured and interesting enough to read on with.
Much scope for lore and ancestry here and I enjoyed the catchup between warriors in the middle.
As a fan of Tolkien, World of Warcraft and fantasy in general, I have been bitten by this chapter and look to seek out more of this world.
In that short space of time, I have latched on to Lovalor and want to see if he meets the demise of the ogre!
Some genuine positivity shining through in this letter. If only it could reach the people who need it most, I am sure it could help them in the darkest of times.
Reaching out to others with writing is a great way to communicate what we may struggle to say in person, so don't stop sharing your good vibes with writing and I am sure others will be inspired to do the same when they come across this.
Quite a good wee read here. Just a couple of things that seemed to stand out and didn't quite add up for me personally.
I feel as though you could of painted a more atmospheric view of Draco, maybe engage in some textures to make him feel more rough and encourage the reader to visualize more than just a dude in a black outfit with a scar on his face. Of course the imagination helps but I want to feel someone's character as someone different from what I can imagine off the bat. Good image though when Draco grabs the bartender and he looks towards the foreigner to reveal where he is and smiles.
Getting to the room could of used more dynamics I.e. "The foreigner kicked the table towards Draco in a flurry and made a beeline for the stair case, Draco fired off several rounds mid chase, grazing the arm of the female spectator in the process. As the foreigner clambered...etc etc. I like being guided through the rough stuff and makes the reader feel part of the action.
I also didn't know what to make of the vehicle being in his room. It is made to sound like a car earlier on and then it somehow manages to be in his room? Then it becomes a capsule? And the British lady confirms it is a car. I didn't really know what to make of that part.
I get there was a bounty, but I don't know who would of ordered for the bounty if the Sheriff was killed, and how easily he was able to kill him instead of the TPF. Obviously things that could be explained in a longer story, but it was engaging enough to read.
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