Hi. I have to say that overall I very much enjoyed this, so dont get too carried away with my critique. While it is nice to read something that isnt composed almost entirely of boring simple sentences with a linear structure, I think you may be going a little overboard. What do I mean? Just read the first paragraph:
I had always liked their house. Bogie and Lauren’s I mean. It was big, manor style even, but somehow they managed to keep it small and quaint, like people actually lived there. You got the feeling that you were entering an actual home whenever you went there. You'd walk the hallways lined with family pictures, hear the shuffling footsteps of the children, and according to Bogie’s policy, you were always greeted with a smile, a handshake or a hug, and above all else, a stiff drink.
Notice anything? Probably not, because the structure makes absÃolute sense to you (you did write it after all), however while this may be fine for a speech youd tell your friends, out of curiosity you might want to try reading this out loud to one, and letting another read it by themself. Youll realize that while there is enough for YOU to read this fluently and without having to track back, the regular reader has far too little to lean back on. Especially considering that there are 5 full stops and 9 commas in this short paragraph and yet still there are some missing. All that punctuation should be enough to guide the reader, however leaving just one out (and I counted three) suddenly makes one pause where he shouldnt and ramble on where he should. And then when you get to the last sentence and are bombarded with inserted sentences and run-offs and ons it all falls apart.
Sentence structure is what raises the good above the average and youre definitely not in the average category. Just dont let mistakes drag you back down when you try something more fancy. In that case its better to use three five word sentences in the logical order, than one long complicated one that adds in more relevant detail just when the reader is about to take a breath and then yet another sentence in between :)
Hehehe, nice way to combine a serious philosphical idea with an extremely funny premise.
Even though the topic itself is serious, the manner in which you put it across even caused me to laugh out loud. There is something inherently comical about imagining four chickens casually chatting about life and death and their impending doom at the hand of their owner. I really enjoyed reading this and thinking about it afterwards. Just the audacity of it deserves a top rating. Well done!
This has clearly been very well written and researched... HOWEVER. I find it a little too 'one sided' I found it very disturbing when you compare bad handwriting and shock therapy only a few sentences apart. It is of course true that mistakes are made, they are done in EVERY field, but this essay gives a feel that we haven't moved beyond the middle ages in medicine. You fail to mention the millions of lives that are saved each year by GOOD treatment and even the correct treatment doesnt always do the trick. I found it very troubling to read this essay, not because it opened my eyes to the awfulness of our doctors, but becasue i simply coulnt believe what i was reading... the 4 rating is of course due to your great use of the language... but the content...
I don't have much internet time left, so I'll keep this brief. I liked the plot (especially since you seemed to have put a twist on what is almost a cliche'd 'meet the real parents' blueprint), the protagonist had just enough depth to make me care and I liked the ending. The only thing ihave a problem with is the length of your sentences. For the most part... they go on,... and on... and on...
But for example, here:
It was time for him to tell me the whole story. It seems, at least according to him, that my mother, birth mother, was a widow. She had older children, in their late teens at the time she was pregnant with me. My birth father was not theirs.
Try to pick out the best sentence... its the shortest one right? I wonder if that means something....
(to have a well rounded piece of writing, altering the sentence length is a must... you cant always go on and on until people need to take a breath.)
Keep up the good work
Filip
PS oh yeah, by the way, the line that comes after the quoted paragraph... (Adoptive)Mother .... very clumsy. I'm sure you can do better than to resort to brackets in narrative.
This is a bit too short right now, but it definitely has potential. One thing I have to mention though: proofread or at least spell-check your writing AT LEAST once before you post it. That way you won't end up with things like 'intriging or lite'. You may also want to reconsider using light and moonlight in the same sentence as well as, the way her smile, the way her eyes and the way her body.... too much repetition in too short a piece. I would like to see its when its finished and ammend my rating if it becomes what i think it has the potential to be...
Just read for a while, you still have quite a few grammatical errors in there. What you're looking for is an edit from someone else. I have limited internet time right now, so I coant do it myself, but here are a couple of the things i found.
Each morning I was greeted me
[you're looking for greeted with or by]
Absorbed in my thoughts I slowed down
[you're missing a comma here (after the 'thoughts')]
The murmur of voices stopped at my appearance and so did I, looking
frantically for some quite corner
[typo: quiet]
I probably would have if Matthew hadn’t been blocking the doorway,
but he was so close behind me that when I turned, not only did I step on
him, I collided into him as well
Hiya, I really liked this story, though in certain cases such as:
Visual confirmation from Subsensor Three through a window on the east side of Starship Chippewa indicated the personal transport, a Viper, entered the docking garage. Subsensor Three, called Eyes, watched the docking doors rise automatically. The Sentry ran to the entrance, and whimpered in gratitude that Commander had returned safely to his home ship, docked at 1114 Chippewa Street - Dallas, Texas, Mothership Earth.
i felt that you are simply trying to say too much at once. My suggestion would be to go back and go through the long paragraphs and see if they may not work better if they're plit up and the action/description is divided.
I also want to point out that a SMALL letter follows even an exclamation mark or question mark it if is in speech.
eg
"Why do you suggest this, Main Sensor?" Asked the Sentry.
which should be ....Sensor?" asked...
well, theoretically, it should be
.....Sensor?' asked....
but I take it you're American :) or studied in the sates :)
its not the greatest of errors, but gives a more professional look.
I've also noticed that whenever the Sentry is involved you mess around with the flow a bit.
eg
"A Sentry?" Startled, the Sentry almost went into a panic. "Immediate further assessment of Entity Two!"
read this out loud. I know it may seem silly, but this reads very much like
"A Sentry?" ''said/asked/blahed'' and you expect a character name or something. Yet you read:
'A sentry?' then 'startled', then 'the sentry', then have to stop and read it again, this time realizing that it is in fact a new sentence.
Like I said. With the Sentry, you often try to take on a very impersonal tone (but even in grammar) or use passive tense, but then forget that with speech one expects something, but instead his reading pattern is disrupted and s/he has to go back and re-read things... something you definitely don't want your readers doing...
well, unless its already published and they have bought it, where the money is in your (publisher's) pocket already :)
This isn't too bad, but don't forget to run it through a spell check and proof read, you have a lot of spelling mistakes in there. Also, when writing stories or any sort of fiction, try not to use symbols like & or numbers in their numeric form )1,2,3,4) if you want to check out the typical writing conventions, http://www.neverend.com/msformat.htm will give you some of the info you need. Other than that, take care and keep writing!
This isn't really a review, but due to my innate babble-ness I'm sure it'll be over 250 chars. :) so I'm sending you back the 150GP. Now onto business.
I really liked the poem, but i felt the:
what comes from me is nil'.
line was a bit weak. Maybe it's just me, but it doesn't seem to fit in with the rest of the poem. It has neither the flair of the other lines, nor does it fit that well with the preceding line...
Feel free to defend, I'm not a poetry expert after all...
This is a really touching story. I would have much more liked to have seen this in the fiction page though. Thar would mean you wouldn't have had to go through all of those things... (the bad ones, kudos to the good):( But I guess it shows how life can create (painful, sad and moving in general) stories most fiction writers never even scratch the surface of... I admire how you were able to put all of those emotions on paper and seeing as I've been through something similarly painful, I know that it must have been very hard...
(You might want to give it a second read for missed words and tense though)
This is definitely not bad stuff, but i think you are trying to say too much at once here. Keep in mind that there is only so much you can say in two paragraphs if this is supposed to, as you say, evoke emtions. To stir any sort of emotion, unless someone has a very similar event happen in his own life, takes a 'connection'. One must be connected to the subject somehow. Eithe the character, or what's going on, and in two paragraphs you simply can forge such a connection. If this came after a chapter of a book as a culmination of events, there would be little i could comment on. (except doing a spell check and re-reading it for grammar) As it is, it feels like a loss of potential... Pity :)
This is a really nice attempt to liven up the classic 'acoustic constant' poems. (ie. you are, you are, i feel i feel etc.) The content and emotion is undisputable, but my suggestion is that you read it out loud for rhythm. This is an ABCB, DEFE in simplest terms. So for good effect you want either the repeating B's and E's to be of similar rhythm or just go for the entire lines. (AB,CB similar rhythm) Usually it doesn't take more than chinging a single word, getting rid of one that doesn't have to be there or swapping out syllables.
Eg
You are my glimpse of eternity Long
you are my living star. Short
You are the one I truly love Long
because of the way you are. Long
Why not change the last line to more resemble the second? etc etc
Suggestion:
You are my glimpse of eternity
you are my living star.
You are the one I truly love
because of who you are.
Read the two out loud and you be the judge of which has a better rhythm and so, is more pleasant to read.
Feel free to contest what I've said, I have to add that i liked your poem, this is just a suggestion you may watnt to think about. :)
This isn't bad. The transitions between stanzas are you high here, but I'm thinking you are putting too muh of your own subconscious into it. Just to explain what I mean. You have so much going on in your head that you think it comes across from what you've written. The thing is... it doesn't. It seems as though you all there was to the 'love' was one smile, where you fell for her, but she said 'no'. I take it there was an actual relationship. Correct me if I'm wrong and if I am, I sincerely apologize. I know its a scary thought, but try to distance yourself from the poem (just a bit, you dont want to lose the connection completely) when you are looking back on what you've written. You may realize that your piece (although it may mean a LOT to you, since you have all of that little stuff to fill in the blanks at your disposal) lacks the meaning you intended. Don't be discouraged though, it isn't bad, just wanted to give you some pointers. ;)
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