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Review of Moving On  
Review by J White
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there,

I thought this was a really interesting piece and thoroughly enjoyed reading it from start to finish.

Your first paragraph really set the scene and I love the adjectives you've chosen (stark, elegant etc) and how you describe the poplars as sentinals. The only thing I would change is how the breaks squeled in ‘in stubborn obedience’; the personification seems a bit unnatural and for some reason it doesn't really mesh with the tone of the rest of the paragraph.

The following paragraphs are well crafted and the dialogue is strong. A few stylisitc things I'd change are:

"and fidgeted for the key" - now, perhaps this is a regional thing but to me, fidgeting means moving about uncomfortably when someone is bored, I just can't picture someone fidgeting for a key because to me, it doesn't make much sense.

"sauntered up the modestly steep lane. He smiled wryly as " - I think this is an example of a slight overuse of adverbs. I think too many tend to slow down the flow of the story.

"We’d best get started. We’ve got to move all this stuff to the auction house. Might be " - I think you could probably take out the middle sentence here as it seems like you're telling rather than showing. A few lines later, one of the characters mentions the auction house again which I'm sure would be sufficient to set up that aspect of the story.

And finally - "Should we work in a piece (of furniture) or two, Clew " - I would take the brackets right out of the dialogue - I think you don't really need the 'of furniture' clause anyway,

But enough of my nitpicking! Overall, I really enjoyed this story. I think the strongest part is the ending. I loved how you had the movers critisizing the family and talking about the wifes mayo at the same time - brilliant! It certainly made me cringe when she first hears them and I wasn't expecting the revelation at the end.

I look forward to seeing more of your work in the future!
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