Hello David,
This rhymed poem tells the story of love in the face of incompatibility. It seems that one is willing to sacrifice and the other won't allow it.
There are some grammar issues that need some editing.
"the rite person." I think you mean "right".
"To many years" I think you mean "Too" in both lines.
"Ow baby" I think you mean "Oh" in all 3 lines.
"There’s a whole in my chest" I think you mean "hole".
"I can’t accept where" I think you mean "we're".
"years I’ve tired" I think you mean "tried".
Music would probably help convey the intended meter of the poem. I had difficulty finding the rhythm to the read. Perhaps counting the syllables in each line will help you match some of them to improve the flow.
I hope this helps you. This poem is a gem in need of some polishing to really make it shine. Thank you for sharing it.
Hello Harry,
I like this poem. I am a fan of the rhymed form. Just in time for Halloween, this poem is nice and creepy.
It almost seems like an introduction to a horror movie.
The last two lines in the 6th quatrain are the only deviation from the rhyme, though they are near enough to be acceptable to me. Nice flow and imagery throughout the piece.
Hello Aabha,
While I appreciate the message of this uplifting piece, I must point out that you often type "u" instead of "you". "infinite possibilities.. different routes" needs "infinite" and "different" both capitalized to begin their respective statements.
The message of this piece remains clear. Dive in. Take the plunge to achieve your heart's desire.
Hello Milo,
This story is excellently written. The action is written in such a fashion as to convey the speed with which the team accomplishes their tasks. The characters are memorable and colorful. There is an adequate amount of back story to support the action sequence. The imagery is superb. These are heroes and their tale is well told.
Hello bob county,
This is an informative article. The facts are accurate but there are some edits needed:
"Caninical Rules" Should be Canonical (from Canon Laws).
"The tree was considered sacred^ a vision of the Virgin Mary had been documented." Insert semicolon.
"pannel" should be panel.
"diety" should be deity.
", an Inquisition," needs parentheses rather than commas.
"condembed" should be condemned.
"the area where Joan grew up" should be in parentheses.
"condemb" should be condemn.
Hello hope75,
This story is well written with no grammar or punctuation errors that I could find. It details the events of a troubled boy who has the added stress of an unfolding supernatural event.
I would have liked to see more content regarding Jimmy's inner thoughts.
This story seems unfinished. Perhaps this is a work in progress?
If you add to this story and would like me to change the rating, please e-mail me.
Hello Bikerider,
This piece highlights the emotional cost of war. The characters are well drawn. The story flows well.
I did notice some things that could use some editing:
“After he gets permission from him mama.” Him should be his.
"Other’s called for their mother’s." No apostrophes are needed in others or mothers.
"shrapnel-scared" Scarred is the correct spelling.
"He gently resting Fabregio’s bloodied head on the ground," Resting should be rested.
I hope this helps you. If you e-mail me with the edits, I will happily raise the rating.
Hello Neva,
I like this poem very much. It is similar to the advice I give my friends and family. I believe there is no task that is insurmountable. Every small step makes the journey that much shorter.
I always like to see other forms of poetry. Perhaps, at some point, I will give this form a try.
Thank you for sharing this insightful poem.
Hello iREDthatBook,
I really do love this poem. I appreciate the rhyme as, I believe, all poetry should do.
This poem shows the angst of losing your one, true love. Sadly, that love is many times, one-sided.
I noticed some things distracted me from the flow of this lovely poem. I listed them for you, in the hope that it helps you with editing:
"She's yours, your her's" There should be a period after "yours", then "You're hers." and note the period after hers.
"we're nothing more than friends," should begin capitalized as a complete sentence with a period at end.
"you'll see our love is true," should have a period at end.
"My hearts" needs to be "my heart's" for the contraction.
"And when I see her by you" should not begin with "And" as it is a conjunction.
If you e-mail me with the edit, I will happily raise the rating.
Hello Fyndorian,
I am so impressed with this piece. It shows reverence, determination and pride. It is patriotic, without the fanaticism seen in some pieces of this genre. I love that it references the fact that, at the end of it all, these soldiers are someones children. If indeed, you are the mother of 2 soldiers, I salute you. I am from a family that sent 8 of 9 sons to Vietnam. God Blessed us by returning them all, alive. I pray these soldiers receive the same blessing.
The rhyme is well done. The punctuation and capitalization is a bit hit-or-miss. This does not detract from the merits of this piece. I just thought you would like to know.
Thanks for sharing this moving poem.
Hello Daniel,
I must begin by telling you; I have no writer's training. I am simply a novice poet, singing my words in the dark. I write what I know, in the best way I know. I do not have the skills to give you any constructive criticism. All I can do is give you my honest opinion.
This is a powerful piece. If one could hear the thoughts of the unborn, I am sure some would sound just like this poem. There are fighters in life. It's clear that this fetus would be one, if allowed to continue. I wish every woman, of childbearing age, would read this piece.
When I read this piece, I imagined someone standing in front of a crowd, reciting it with pregnant pauses.
I appreciated the form break-down as I am always trying to learn more ways to hone my poetic skills (which are few).
Hello Josh,
I like this story. Even though there are no character names, I could identify with the stifling boredom in her life. This story shows the inevitability of shedding the well-planned cocoon. She made all the smart choices, only to give in to her heart in the end. My favorite part is, "There was one boy though who never paid any attention to her and he became her husband, an incalculable grimace of fate." but it needs a comma after "though".
Hello BryanLee,
This was a really good read. You have drawn strong characters and it flows nicely. The title certainly fits the story. Eddie is indeed, a loser. I appreciate that he lost the girl in the end. It serves him right. The sad thing is, he will probably repeat the mistake. His kind always does.
This piece is well written. I found no errors.
Hello iamjoeyc,
This is a lovely tribute to a friend who supports you in tough times. I do hope your friend has seen it.
I do have a suggestion: In the second stanza, if you reverse the order of the second and third lines, it will follow the form established in the first stanza. This makes it seem more consistent.
Hello ozhan,
I know why you cherish this memory so much. I too had a Viewmaster. It was always such a thrill to see places I could not actually visit. It set my imagination ablaze with all kinds of hopes and dreams for, what I hoped was, an adulthood that my parents would never have. No one could tell me what to dream. So I dreamed big. Sadly, my brothers destroyed it, but then I discovered books like Pellucidar and Princess Salome.
I do suggest one edit; "I went to be as if I were attending" be should be bed.
Thanks for reminding me. I am a grandmother now. I hope to see my grandchildren dream as I did.
Hello Daniel,
This story is engaging. It lets one see the media mind-set from the inside. We tend to see them as vultures preying on the noteworthy. In reality, they are simply opportunists benefiting from the greed of traitors.
It looks like there is much more to this story. I would love to see the rest.
I did notice one thing; "scarpered" I believe you meant scampered.
Hello J.A. Buxton,
Nice! You have made very good use of the prompt. I'm not sure I would welcome such a dramatic solution to writer's block.
This piece got me thinking about all different life forms. Technology has allowed us to see that where there is energy, there is life. Therefore, this story begs the question; If these characters we write, exist in cyberspace, are they not alive? If we write them to their demise, are we not murderers? Food for thought. Thanks for that.
I found no punctuation or grammar errors. Well done.
Hello Josh,
Wow! You have excellently depicted a very likely scenario of new ice age. With the exception of several missing commas, this piece is very well written. It has a startlingly descriptive narration, without use of excessive and pointless details. Every detail here is crucial and effective. I love that this story includes the hope of a child, even in the face of life-threatening uncertainty. The simple acceptance of the situation is brought to point by the reiteration of the opening line, somewhat reversed; "the frozen earth, the snow, the darkness and the cold."
Hello Kathie,
This is a beautiful tribute to a beautiful life, cut short. I love that it emphasizes the joy she brought to this world and the rewards she should receive in the next. Even the mention of her trials, could not dim the light of her legacy. You have effectively shown the only way a mother can release a child; with love.
My sincerest condolences. I know that this journey will only end, as you are reunited, in the beautiful place you imagine for her.
I have no constructive criticism. This piece is perfect as it is.
Hello amyjo,
Yes! Yes! Yes! You nailed it. This is a snapshot of my everyday. It's easy to forget that time changes us until I glimpse myself in the mirror. I always miss the reflection I had come to know as myself. This new one is definitely a map of my travels through life. Clearly, you know this journey.
I found no punctuation or grammar errors.
This poem is truly well done. Thank you for sharing it.
Hello Dan Sturn,
This poem immediately brought to mind the phrase, "No matter where you go, there you are." I have been there myself, wondering how to escape the never-ending thought process, only to realize that wondering is thinking. Very well done.
I found no punctuation or grammar errors.
Thank you for sharing this intuitive piece.
Hello Simple Dykie,
You have most definitely captured what it means to truly love someone.
Love may be all those lovely things the great writers say it is, but it is also the immeasurably small things that make up the whole description of love.
Thank you for sharing this lovely story.
What a lovely, encouraging story. I love that it starts with, what seems like, insurmountable challenges.
You paint a picture of human determination that overcomes every one with small steps in the right direction. Even at the precipice, when faced with self-doubt, you have shown that the universe wants us to succeed. One message rings clear, here; Don't be afraid to take the plunge.
Well done.
Hello catdok,
This one is amazing! I love it. The meter is good and the rhyme is well done. I love that you made the epic story into a short rhyme. The last line is great, and so appropriate.
Hello catdok,
I enjoyed this poem very much. Would that every politician could see one about themselves. This poem comes across candid and concise without sounding mean. The rhyme is well done.
"Communists he saw everywhere" falls outside the syllable count. This can be solved by using your later word
"commies". I know, some people don't like to use the same word twice, but I believe in this case, it's warranted. You may have a different solution in mind.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.29 seconds at 1:57pm on Apr 23, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "