I like the color and tactile imagery you use in this piece. A quick note about a 25 or less piece: grammar is absolutely crucial.
Also, when you have limited words to hook your reader, you need the most effect for each clause. One way to maximize effect is to use only (or at least primarily) active voice. For instance, were you to take these two pieces of advice, the piece might look something like:
Bodies burned; purple flame released the possessed. The flame lifted, and their bodies relaxed. We looked for burns. There were none.
Obviously there's more than one way to format these sentences, but the point is that A) the dependent clause in the first sentence is a little weak and confusing ("with purple flame releasing the possessed"), that you're lacking a comma in the second sentences, and that the third sentences contains two independent clauses not properly linked. Appropriate links include a comma followed by a coordinating conjunction (We looked for burns, but there were none), a semicolon (We looked for burns; there were none), or a semicolon followed by a conjunctive adverb (We looked for burns; however, there were none). You could also change one of the clauses into a dependent clause (e.g. "Though we looked for burns, there were none" or "We looked for burns although there were none").
You have a lot of potential here. Some grammatical editing can help you harnas that.
I look forward to seeing what you do with it!
Fox
P.S. I'd love some critique of my pieces if you get the chance.
I love love love the characterization of the girl in this piece. The words are carefully chosen and fill their offices quite nicely. I understand the intent of having a poem that is not easily understood, one that the reader has to dig through to discover its meaning. But honestly, in this piece, I can't quite find it. Generally, a poet will give one line to the reader as a hint at the deeper meaning and/or intended take away. No matter how profound your poem is, if the reader can't get underneath it, it really does no good. Does that make sense? See if you can keep the same "blur," the same ambiguity, but give the reader something to work from.
Good luck, and keep writing!
Hahah this was brilliant. The way that you managed to be both sacreligious and racially insensitive and get away with it is extremely laudable. You found a meter and a tone that suited your purposes and you remained mostly true to it. I would suggest ironing out a few of the spots where you stray from the meter. As much as it pains me to say it, forcing rhymes for the sake of continuity is acceptable in this kind of piece.
But really, the local colour was tastefully included and the premise is ingenious. Thanks for the laugh!
P.S. I appreciate your gramatical precision. There aren't enough poets paying attention to the details anymore.
Well done!
I like the ideas and the structure of this piece. I felt as though the meter and rhyme scheme was a little forced, though. This yielded weak word choice and occasionally distracting word order. What if the refrain was kept as is (essentially two couplets), and the other stanzas were allowed to be free verse? This would give you more freedom to develop intelligent, powerful verses and accentuate the nice refrain. Just a thought. Overall, good work!
There were a lot of nice things in this short story. I appreciate the characters and the vivid imagery. The story moves at a nice pace and the narrator is engaging. The biggest criticism I would have is for your overall purpose. Edgar Allen Poe’s philosophy was that a story should work to have a singular effect on the reader, and that this effect should begin on the first sentences. After you have a plot and characters (or even before), make sure to determine the effect you wish to have on your reader. Then make sure every sentence, every detail, every character, every setting, and even every word contributes to this effect. In this case, I was left just a tad confused as the reader, wondering what exactly you were trying to accomplish.
Other than that, really nicely done! Good work! :)
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