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1
1
Review of How can this be?  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "How can this be?" 
These are personal opinions and suggestions, in the spirit of helping a fellow writer! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Impressions:

A flowing, unstructured and abstract poem which focused heavily on emotion - its reason and release.

Strengths:

The listing of adjectives created a flowing, almost drumming rhythm. It was a pleasant rhythm to read.

'Comfort and solace in sadness and silence can come from the tip of a pen.' <-- A great, simple and powerful ending. Having such large concepts contrasted with a small, solid, physical thing gave it a lot of emphasis. It was very conclusive.

Suggestions:

I thought the sentences could flow better together in terms of content. After the first line, I was wanting to know exactly what place you were talking about for instance, but wasn't told. There is a running theme, but it is scattered.

Some more focus on imagery or specifics could help build up a visual to go with the concepts in this poem, and thus make it more memorable.


End Comments:

Good job! Could use a bit of polishing, but it's a nice start. *Smile*

*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful. Keep writing - it'd be a great loss if you didn't! *Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
2
2
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Raising children without losing yourself" 
These are personal opinions and suggestions, in the spirit of helping a fellow writer! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Impressions:

A conversational, easy read with lots of good scenarios and a nice moral - can be a bit confusing at times, phrasing could use some polishing.

Strengths:

I liked the biographical feeling to the writing.

There was a nice 'talking to the reader' kind of tone to it, I could imagine someone sitting there telling this story, very conversational.

The flow and vocabulary used are good.

You have a lot of specific events, which are nice and add originality and interest to your story.

Good message at the end, links in well with what you've been saying.

Suggestions:

'Raising children without losing yourself' --> Raising Children Without Losing Yourself. Having the words uncapitalized immediately gave me the impression of this being less polished, less professional, even though when I look inside the item that isn't so. It might have put me off taking a look had I been browsing randomly, rather than lead here by SP.

'Best' --> Not sure why this is capitalized, in the description.

'"If you can keep your head while all others are losing theirs"' --> Is the a whole quote? I felt like it was going to keep going, 'all others are losing theirs then yada yada'. Bit off-putting when it didn't.

'No stress could be as to his place in the world' --> Awkward phrasing, not sure what you mean. You weren't stressed about him finding his place?

'and retain it as if it were his birthright' --> I didn't feel this added anything, and it seemed forced. Maybe finish the sentence before it?

'I thank my mother profusely (...) blazed a path' I got that you used thesaurusitis words just before this to add a bit of humor as talking about uni, but wasn't sure exactly what you meant or how your mother going to uni helped to 'blaze a path' in terms of motherhood until much later in the story. That makes it seem out of place there, at the start. In general, some of your prose isn't clear from an outside perspective - there are a few points where I feel I'm missing something.



End Comments:

A unique and solid piece - I enjoyed the read! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful. Keep writing - it'd be a great loss if you didn't! *Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
3
3
Review of In Elysian Fields  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review of your piece: "In Elysian Fields" 
These are personal opinions and suggestions, in the spirit of helping a fellow writer! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Impressions:

A flowing, fun and entertaining poem that feels like it's based on a myth.

Strengths:

I got the feeling this was based on a myth, although not one I know. For me, not knowing it made it all the better and the more entertaining, because I didn't know what was going to happen. If it was in fact wholly original, well done, it was well-crafted enough and had a classic enough feel that it felt like a classic! *Bigsmile*

The flow - brilliant. I've found that writers often trip up with these story-poems in terms of flow, and this one never did. Technically sound and easy to read.

'But I am meek, though fleet of feet' --> The flow in this line is so good I had to point it out. It sounds really cool to say aloud.

Suggestions:

Let’s call --> "Let's call (Or take out the ending " in the line before.)

The ending seemed a bit rushed - specifically the stanza where Pegasus decides the race is not worthwhile. I was still wondering what it meant by losing the herd, and what the motivations for the race were, and it being dropped so quickly seemed off to me. It left me with questions, and made me wonder why they'd decided on the race at all if both were against it.

'Silly race' --> All the language before this is so old-fashioned and has a sense of class to it. 'Silly' really stuck out as not fitting with the rest of it.



End Comments:

I really enjoyed this poem. There are a couple minor things that could be improved on, and I'd have liked to have seen a broader picture, but what was there was entertaining and well-written. *Smile*

*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful. Keep writing - it'd be a great loss if you didn't! *Smile*
Free_RIP

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
4
4
Review of Christmas Eve  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Christmas Eve" 
These are personal opinions and suggestions, in the spirit of helping a fellow writer! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Impressions:

A solid, well-crafted poem about jesus.

Strengths:

All technical aspects were solid, it seemed really polished - professional-quality, for sure. Great job!

For all apart from the one line mentioned below, the flow was brilliant. It rolled off the tongue.

Suggestions:

This topic has been covered many, many times. I was looking for something new in it - a new perspective, or insight, or a specific scene/detail that hasn't been thought of before. The phrasing and imagery are great and obviously your own, but there was nothing that really stood out for me to make it memorable. I think this is the one thing the poem is missing.

'How can we all not believe?' --> This line flowed badly for me.


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful. Keep writing - it'd be a great loss if you didn't! *Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
5
5
Review of Lurking Raven  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Lurking Raven" 
These are personal opinions and suggestions, in the spirit of helping a fellow writer! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Impressions:

A short, death/adventure poem with strong imagery.

Strengths:

Good flow, strong imagery, technically sound.

Suggestions:

There didn't seem to be much of a perspective on the events being described - they were told in a very straight-forward, outside-perspective view and I didn't feel a particular emotion coming through that could connect me to it. I think if you imagined a narrator for this poem, someone involved with the incident (whether Charon, a victim, a scholar years later, a friend of a victim, a ghost, whoever) - it could really bring it out. The emotion is what it lacks right now, to my view.

Bit of thesaurusitis here! I had to look up Charon & quiescent, and wasn't entirely sure what you meant by 'mnemonic headstone'. Stalwart seemed a bit forced too.

Beware of cliches - such as 'black harbringer of death', 'eternal sphere', life as a flame, the soul as a passenger and 'deadly disease'. These have been used so much they lose their meaning. Instead of telling us what's happening by using them, try imagining these things in your head and focusing on an aspect of them - the smell, the sound, one particular person's experience of it, whatever - and telling that to the reader. That's what makes engaging writing - we, the readers, want to hear *your* perspective! What you see, how you see things - make us think of something we haven't thought of before, see or smell something we haven't before.

End Comments:

I know it looks like a lot of suggestions, but don't be discouraged - I like your style, and all my suggestions are just for expanding it. You are a good writer, and I think you have loads of potential. Go for it! *Smile*

*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful. Keep writing - it'd be a great loss if you didn't! *Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
6
6
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Setting Myself Free" 
These are personal opinions and suggestions, in the spirit of helping a fellow writer! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Impressions:

An abstract, metaphorical poem based around the feelings of helplessness and betrayal.

Strengths:

The emotion comes through very clearly. It flows well.

Suggestions:

Be wary of over-generalizing through too abstract language/too many metaphors. I found it hard to get drawn into this character's specific journey due to the lack of details - there are many emotions listed, and some lines indicative of situations/choices, but no specific incidents or sensory input. I think this is what this poem lacks, and what would make it a stand-out for me. Technically, stylistically, rhyming, emotion, author's voice - all great. But I needed a little more to draw me in, something that made me connect with *this particular character*. Letting me see her pick up a picture (as an example), feel it being crumpled, experience it getting further blurred as she cried, root for her as she stands back up and gets herself together, makes the decision to 'set herself free'. This is just an example, you should do what's right for your poem. *Smile*

It also felt a little rushed. Maybe spending a bit more time on developing her emotions, adding in some specific sensory input, specific details of the situation, taking your time developing her state of mind and decisions etc. would help.

End Comments:

Lots of potential here. You have a nice, easy-to-read style. Keep at it!

*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful. Keep writing - it'd be a great loss if you didn't! *Smile*
Free_RIP

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
7
7
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Atrum Vox Vocis (Dark Voices)" 
These are personal opinions and suggestions, in the spirit of helping a fellow writer! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Impressions:

A solid piece with good technical strength, a well-done continuing metaphor and strong creepy atmosphere. Could use work in terms of relying less on abstract emotive language and tightening up redundancies in descriptions to help keep that fast pace and be even more immersive.


Strengths:

*Snow5* A consistent creepy feeling is built up. I get the image in my head when reading of this zombie with bloodshot eyes in a basement, staring into the distance with a half-smile as he taps something out on a typewriter without looking down. But that's probably just me. *Wink*

*Snow5* You have a diverse vocabulary, and the emotive connotations are strong and deliberate.

*Snow5* It flows very well, with quite a quick and choppy pace that is very immersive. I like how the pace seems to speed up a bit as it goes, with less full-stops and commas in each verse, urging the reader to continue and creating a feeling of falling deeper. I found myself not thinking at all about technique, rhyming, grammar or flow while reading - which is a definitive sign that its all been done well!


Suggestions:

*Snow5*A voice, a rasping whisper, calls out to me.
In pleading words, it entreats to be set free - you have a lot of redundant description in this poem. I think if you chopped it out and filled the space with even more original and immersive imagery, you could step this up a notch. I'll take the first few lines as a convenient example - 'a rasping whisper' makes 'a voice' redundant. It also makes 'words' in the next line redundant. 'It entreats to be set free' would be just as powerful without 'in pleading words' - when entreating, that can be taken as a given. It all flows so well I'm loath to suggest changing it, but from what I've seen you have the skill to make it flow again, and even tighter if you tidy bits like this up!

*Snow5* Peace, death, beauty, torture, pain. These are all powerful concepts. But they are used so much (in general in literature) that without specific contexts, they lose their meaning. And it's almost impossible to give that sort of context for that many big concepts in a single poem. I think it would make your poem more memorable if you focused on one aspect of the painful thoughts the protag is feeling, narrate specific examples, rather than broader lines like 'Messages of pain, of death, and even worse'. A specific message of pain here, a line of dialogue perhaps, could be incredibly chilling, while these more general terms don't add much. This is a continuing factor throughout.

I think if you clear up those couple things, this could be a horror masterpiece. Truly, a piece with a lot of potential. Your writing has a lot of flair.

*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful. Keep writing - it'd be a great loss if you didn't! *Smile*
Free_RIP

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
8
8
Review of LED BY A STAR  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "LED BY A STAR" 
These are personal opinions and suggestions, in the spirit of helping a fellow writer! *Smile*


*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Impressions:

A sweet and easy read with a clear Christmas-y feel. Could use work on originality and imagery, to make it stand out from the crowd.

Strengths:

*Snow5* The colors set the Christmas tone and immediately have the reader in the light mood the poem permeates

*Snow5* The line lengths are good, the poem looks balanced. The rhyming is solid, as is grammar, spelling and, well, all the surface features! Good job.

*Snow5*The third and fourth stanzas flow particularly well - they roll off the tongue when read aloud

Suggestions:

*Snow5*led three Wise men from afar
to where a Savior was born - these would flow fine, but the second line of the stanza rhymes with the first, meaning that the word 'afar' is said heavily in the reader's head as they read it. This makes the continuation of the line awkward and throws off the rhythm. It might help to start a new sentence on the third line, as you have done in most of your other stanzas, or to link them more closely through a technique called 'enjambment' so that the end of the second line doesn't seem like a natural ending.

*Snow5* When you're doing a topic that has been covered many times before, such as the birth of Jesus, you need to work double-time to make it original. A great way to do this is to focus on imagery - the way you see and describe things is different than anyone else. So while the events may be the same, if you focus on the senses and give some inventive descriptors, similes, metaphors, or emotive comparisons you can still create a gripping and original poem that people will remember.



*Snow3*           *Snow3*          *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful. Keep writing - it'd be a great loss if you didn't! *Smile*
Free_RIP

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
9
9
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review of your piece: "An Angel with a Hammer"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A nice poem with a biographical, sincere feel to it. It draws the reader in from this mood. It could benefit with some work on mechanics.

Strengths:

*CheckB*I like the title. It suits, is original and drew my attention.

*CheckB*I get a clear idea of the dad. It flows well in a broad, storyline sense, although the line-to-line flow could use some work.

*CheckB*The last stanza summed it up nicely, was easy to read and helped make the poem more memorable.

Suggestions:

*CheckB*Your rhyme scheme is inconsistent. In every stanza but the first three, you have the 2nd and 4th line rhyming. In those, you don't. It reads oddly for it to suddenly start.

*CheckB*I am an child adult
I don't understand this phrasing. Is it a typo?

*CheckB*are fading away
Maybe just 'fade'? It's good to find the most conscise way to get across your point just the same, in poetry. In the next line, do you need the 'from'? Cutting out unnesecary bits might help tighten the piece up and make it flow better.

*CheckB*Stanza three has consistently short lines which seem out of place in the middle of the other stanzas. Having some sort of set syllable count might help the piece.

*CheckB*The grammar in this can be extensive and break the flow at times. For instance, in stanza 2 where you have three full-stops, it makes it halting to read. This is the same in stanza 3, 4 and 5. I'd have a look through and see where you really need them. The amount of comma's during lines can be detrimental, as well.

End Comments:

A nice read and overall well-written. Good luck with editing *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*

Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
10
10
Review of Sarah and Johnny  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Sarah and Johnny"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Followed all guidelines. Thanks for your entry in "Invalid Item"  !

Impressions:

A touching short piece which touches on the prompt and a message at the end. Could be improved by a faster pace, increasing tension at the end and adding more depth and dimensions to the characterization and emotion.

Strengths:

*CheckB*It has a consistently sweet atmosphere that makes it pleasant and leisurely to read.

*CheckB*It flows easily.

*CheckB*Good use of colloqialism in the dialouge. You put in just enough description and it sounds very natural.

*CheckB*Technically and stylistically sound. Good job! *Smile*

Suggestions:

*CheckB*While it is a sweet idea to have the stories of their past told, I felt that by the time it came to the third one it had started to drag a bit. Half of good writing is knowing what to leave out - especially in flash fiction. Maybe you could cut out one of the stories, or cut them down?

*CheckB*There was no real conflict in this story. The ending was thought-provoking and giggle-worthy, but I think that an obstacle - even just an argument, a shade of darker emotion, something that would add depth to the characterization and tension to the atmosphere - would have brought the story out and made it more memorable.

*CheckB*After mentioning at the start that she is in child-birth and at the end that the baby is born, there is no real continuity of it along the way. By which I mean, the woman seems remarkably calm and conversational - she would likely be screaming over some of the conversation and not hear.

*CheckB*There was something about the last line that struck me as not having as much impact as it could have. I think it's how quick the line was as a whole ending. You could consider putting the twinkle in her eye bit between 'honey' and 'can' just to add a little more tension to the rhythm. I don't know, but it's worth playing around with. I don't think there's anything wrong with the content there, the rhythm just fell a bit flat.

End Comments:


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*

Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
11
11
Review of Flight to Light  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Flight to Light"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Followed all guidelines. Thanks for your entry in "Invalid Item"  !

Impressions:

A well-crafted short piece with clear characterization and message. Slighly cliche plot line, but original 'world'.

Strengths:

*CheckB*The narration was strong, flowed and had easy to picture imagery.

*CheckB*The pacing was consistent. It never felt like it rushed or dragged.

*CheckB*Half would die on him, if he knew them. Powerful line.

*CheckB*It was well-structured, with a clear beginning, middle and end. It had a clear message, related to the prompt well and was technically very sound.

Suggestions:

*CheckB*I felt that it could be improved by not relying so much on the twist (for that particular twist - it's actually animals - has become slightly cliche) and instead concentrating on more shades of subtelty and depth in the characters and their society, for this is what carries the story and will make the reader symphathize so the twist, even if expected, will have impact.

*CheckB*The foreshadowing was a bit blunt - I think referring to the 'Evil Big People' and having the 'they are not of the Great...' answer just once - then not mentioning them again - would make the ending more powerful for the bird's quick dismissal of it. Powerful stories are all built around some form of subtlety, whether it be in plot or craft.

*CheckB*The dialouge is very formal. I'm not sure if you chose to do this to emphasize the 'otherness' of the birds, or not. For example, a human child wouldn't say 'Mother, Father, just wait!' But would be more likely to say something along the lines of 'Wait up, Mom!' If you do choose to keep the formality, I would edit And anyway, out because it is inconsistent and stands out. Also, natural dialouge often has longer sentences than good narration - it'll have dashes scattered about like mad. For instance, including the cold. So it cannot be evil reads much more naturally with a dash rather than a full-stop. Play around with it, see what you think.

End Comments:

The story was well-written and clear. I just feel that it needs a bit more depth added to it to give it originality and get over the cliche of the 'actually animals, humans capture/kill them' plot. Good luck with editing! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*

Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
12
12
Review of The Way Back Home  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "The Way Back Home"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


Followed all guidelines. Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item"  !

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A well-structured and steadily paced snippet into the life of one less fortunate. Has a sense of monotony and diluted hope. Could benefit from some attention to grammar, sentence length, level of formality and focus.

Strengths:

*CheckB*The piece was paced steadily throughout. I never felt as if it rushed or dragged.

*CheckB*The plot is very grounded in reality and becomes more powerful for this. The hope of never being homeless, coupled with the knowledge that it is unlikely, is subtle and effective.

*CheckB*The characterization of Vanessa is believable. She is not bland, but is not so blunt or confrontational that her relationships and status become unlikely. Good job on avoiding putting in too much angst that might turn a reader away *Smile*

Suggestions:

*CheckB*When dialouge begins a line, such as “Atlanta Union Mission” a female voice answered. You put a comma before the end speech mark. To take that example, it would be "Union Mission," a female voice answered. You have used either no punctuation or a comma outside the speech mark throughout the story - I'd suggest going through and fixing it up. Grammar with dialouge can be tricky, if you're ever unsure it's worth asking someone in one of the forums here at WdC or looking it up online.

*CheckB*There are several times in the story where you've used abbreviations that don't fit the story. Having someone saying 'don't' instead of 'do not' is perfectly acceptable. But having bed # 15 instead of 'bed number fifteen' or simply 'bed fifteen' breaks me out of the world a second. You've done similiar things several times, such as 'thru' instead of 'through'.

*CheckB*I felt there wasn't much focus with the story. It gave a snippet of life and seemed directed, but ended rather abruptly. Were it not for the last few lines, it would read very oddly to stop there. Even with them, I feel there should have been a specific conflict to be overcome - Vanessa doesn't seem to change anything, make any new choices or overcome anything in the piece. The conflict can be in the mind, such as finding hope, but there should be something external that spurs that. I got the sense she has had those thoughts about never being homeless again many times before, so there was no real conclusion.

*CheckB*There are a few run-ons. Watch how many comma's you're using. For example, the last line of the first paragraph runs on a bit and doesn't flow too well.

End Comments:

I think this piece has a lot of potential. Most of the edits I've suggested are fairly on-the-surface stuff and won't take long to fix up. Once you've decided what your aims are for the story and given your protagonist an obstacle to overcome, I think you'll find the story feels much more rounded and stronger. I wish you the best of luck with editing! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*

Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
13
13
Review of The Person He Is  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review of your piece: "The Person He Is"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Followed all guidelines. Thank you for your entry in "Invalid Item"  !

Impressions:

A short, touching piece with strong emotion. Could benefit from attention to formatting. Strong message and followed all guidelines. Good job! *Smile*

Strengths:

*CheckB*The authenticity of this piece comes through strongly. The reader is left feeling very connected to the characters - the whole thing has a sense of relying on the merit of emotion message, rather than embellishments. It was a very sweet piece to read because of this and gave the story all the more power.

*CheckB*The piece is written with a kind of simple elegance. It flows well, but the writing is simple enough that it does not distract the reader from the deeper meaning.

*CheckB*Perfect use of the quote. It completely embodies what it was saying and puts a personal spin on it. The ending is powerful and thought-provoking.

Suggestions:

*CheckB*Break it up into paragraphs. Having it all as one block of text makes it look unattractive and will get you less reviews - it also effects the flow.

*CheckB*I was scanning the internet... described my life. I don't think you need this introducing sentence. It can be inferred that the story will relate to the quote and it isn't as strong a start as the next sentence. Best to dive right it *Wink*

End Comments:

Great job on this. It's a message that is universal. I wish you the best of luck with editing! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*

Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
Free_RIP

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
14
14
Review of I Digress  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
This is a review of your piece: "I Digress"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Contest-y Bits:

*CheckB*Followed a Prompt: I can see a slight link, enough to qualify.

*CheckB*Had a strong message: The symbolism of the act out against authority portrays a message of moderate strength. There could have been more done to emphasize it (see suggestions section).

*CheckB*Within guidelines: Yep.

*CheckB*Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" 

Impressions:

A slightly confusing event which symbolizes a larger message, written with a casual style and focus on believable dialouge.

Strengths:

*CheckB*The details you put in about the road made it easy to visualize and helped it stand out from the more vague rest of the setting as important.

*CheckB*The dialouge was casual and believable.

*CheckB*The characterization of your protagonist was believable and consistent.

*CheckB*The message of defiance of authority is clear in the ending. The ending is conclusive and atmospheric. Nice job *Smile*

Suggestions:

*CheckB*The start was a little confusing - Mary starts arguing her case before we know (and before she should know) what the man's problem is. The first line makes it seem like he's a stranger. I'd switch the lines around a bit so he's telling her she can't be walking there before she starts arguing that she can.

*CheckB*and it’s my job to protect it. This struck me as odd. Why would they close it off and allow vehicles but not pedestrians, if they want to protect it? I'm not sure I understand the logic of the issue here. The details he gives about it having been a main road in the past and such also don't seem to support any case about why she shouldn't walk on it. Maybe try and keep this section a bit more focused, clear, and state why exactly she can't walk there.

*CheckB*You mix your tenses up a bit. It's mainly present tense, but a couple times (Mary exclaimed for instance) you slip into past tense. A quick read-through + edit will fix this up.

*CheckB*You have a lot of adverbs - 'haughtily, carelessly, quickly' etc. I think you'll find the story is just as good without them and flows better and more professionally.

*CheckB*Having a full empty line between paragraphs would help the piece look more visually appealing.

*CheckB*draw any pity out of his hard heart. and penetrating the depths of her light brown iris’ Two points here. One, be careful of cliches. The descriptions lose all their impact if they've been seen too many times before. Second, don't over-dramatize it. In the end, she's just wanting a quicker route to the store and these kind of descriptions make the story seem a little silly. Keep things in perspective.

*CheckB*The ending and message could have been stronger if the man hadn't allowed her to walk on the road anyway. I know he didn't want her driving back, but the triumph didn't seem as strong when the villian of the piece was reasonable and helped her out against his own interests. Also, dropping a few more hints about the message throughout could have improved the piece.

End Comments:

This was a fun short piece to read. Nice job and good luck with any editing you decide to do *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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15
15
Review of Just a Fairytale  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review of your piece: "Just a Fairytale"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A powerful, emotional piece which captures a moment in the mind of someone broken with clarity and flair.

Strengths:

*CheckB*Usually I'm not a fan of lots of ellipses - they can make the piece seem unprofessional and be a crutch for writers who have trouble with pacing. However, I think this is one of the exceptions that prove the rule! They work really well (generally, there are a few exceptions which I'll mention later *Wink*) in this and allow the reader to enter the mind of one so broken even their thoughts are disjointed and halting. It portrays emotion beautifully and simply, without any need for big words or descriptions. It reads almost like a song, I can imagine this to music very easily. Good job! *Smile*

*CheckB*'Can’t see through the static
in my looking glass' I love this metaphor. It's so simple on the surface, original and yet carries a huge amount of connatations involving fate, belief, destiny etc... everything she believed in and lost.

*CheckB*The one line last stanza is powerful. A nice, conscise, flowing, simple yet effective piece. A really enjoyable and thought-provoking read.

Suggestions:

*CheckB*Stanza's four and six didn't seem as strong to me as the others. They both deal with the same aspect/'picture' of her in the dirt and crying, which has become fairly cliched over time. I think, while it is important to have specifics and not just abstract lines, that a different specific reaction would be more effective - one that is more personalized and unique, so that we feel more connected to the character and the piece stands out more. Also, stanza four didn't flow too well for me - the lines were consistently shorter than the rest of the poem, which made it seem out of place.

*CheckB*In the second to last stanza, the first two lines flow very nicely into eachother. I think you should take advantage of this, rather than adding ellipses - I think they detract from the poem in this instance. Also, there seems to be an overuse of them in stanza six - it looks unprofessional visually and doesn't flow as well as the rest of the poem.

End Comments:

A very enjoyable read, lots of nice emotion and ponder-worthy material. Good job, I wish you the best of luck with editing *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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16
16
Review of Divergence  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Divergence"  [ASR]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A funny, gripping, slightly creepy and well-rounded piece of flash fiction.

Strengths:

*CheckB*The repitition of 'This is a very dangerous place.' (or variants of it as in the last line) was effective in linking the story together, emphasising the theme of our tendancy to 1. ignore warnings and 2. not comprehend danger until it happens to us. Each time you say it it has a different connatation: a tour-guide's warning, a mockery and a revelation. This ties everything together very well without seeming repetitive due to those different tones.

*CheckB*It's fast-paced and gripping and you give just enough background that I felt I could identify with the characters. You give motive (boredom), their feelings about everything and it's very easy to visualize what and why everything is happening. The little quake which just shook the blade loose causing a corridor to collapse was unexpected and not an immediate link for me (I only made the connection on a second read-through), but I suppose in such an old castle it would be possible. It certainly had shock value and ended the piece with a strong impression.

*CheckB*I like the unexpectedness of the ending. The reader sees the lesson learned in the dungeon and thinks 'well, that's that. They'll go back to the hallway - check - and take the - wait, what??' or at least that's how my thoughts went! *Laugh* It really re-inforces the message and prevents the piece from being cliche.

Suggestions:

*CheckB*You use 'Luke and Diane' a lot in the piece and it gets a little repetitive. Maybe you could mix it up, occasionally using 'the pair of them' or something like that?

*CheckB*Maybe you could show us their emotions more instead of telling? Such as in the second to last line, when you say 'scared' or when you say 'mischeviously'. It might be nice to leave these judgements to the reader or to describe them. Then again, it kind of works as is... hmm... well, just a possible suggestion, up you of course! *Wink*

End Comments:

I really enjoyed this little piece, it's well-crafted and fun to read. Great job! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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17
17
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "A Wilderness Honeymoon"  [13+]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

An intersting story told in poem form. It has a nice message and flow, but the emotion, realism and character development could be worked on.

Strengths:

*CheckB*The accident is unexpected and contrasts with the start. It helps to keep the reader interested and has some good shock value.

*CheckB*The message at the end is great. The way that the honeymoon seems to be ruined, but in the end it does exactly what it was meant to better than any uneventful one could have - it shows their devotion to eachother. This is a very universal message about how an event can have hidden benefits and how the worst things sometimes carry the best things with them - after all, we've all heard that writers write best when they go through tradgedies *Wink*

*CheckB*The whole poem flows very nicely and tells the story simply and conscisely. Good job *Smile*

Suggestions:

*CheckB*I didn't really feel connected to the characters. Maybe if you told us something more specific about them, rather than giving us just general things such as 'married' and 'hikers' before the accident? Or give them names, tell us their hobbies, interests, a bit of dialouge and easy banter that lets have a chance to get to know and like them. It would have more impact then, I think and make the accident and later obstacles much more gripping.

*CheckB*The accident didn't ring true for me. I think the injury was too severe - both his legs broken and talking calmly just didn't work for me. I've never broken any bones, so I might be wrong, but I think the pain would be too bad to talk easily. You do mention him being in a lot of pain, but it doesn't link up with his actions - maybe you could describe what he tries to do to deal with it? Does he shift around, flinch, hold back tears, is his breathing laboured etc. This would make it more realistic and help the reader visualize it.

*CheckB*'Help should arrive in three days' Would she know so specifically? It sounds quite mechanical and not a naturalistic way of talking, as if she's a help person over a phone rather than his wife.

*CheckB*You've managed to keep the rhyme throughout, which is quite impressive in such a long piece. I'd just mention, though, that the effect is muted a bit by the lines stopping and starting sometimes partway through sentences, sometimes at the end etc. If you kept it consistent when you broke them, or at least broke them in a new phrase type thing if not a new sentence, I think it would bring the piece out. As it is, I wasn't sure whether to read it with slight pauses for the new lines which would make it flow worse but take advantage of the rhyme, or to read it as a story which would have the rhyming effect lost. Sorry if that was confusing, I'm not really sure how to write what I mean *Blush*

*CheckB*'bear scampering away' Scampering, to me, is something used to describe little things like rats. I think a different adjective could be good here.

*CheckB*This piece has a lot of potential for emotion, but not much is described. You seem to be very focosed on plot (which I'm guessing is in order to keep a fast pace) and I think that character development and emotion suffer a bit because of this. Giving us more insight into them, their feelings and how this experience changes them would be good, I think.

End Comments:

A fun piece with a nice message. An enjoyable read - my first every 'storoem' *Laugh* Good luck with editing, keep at it *Wink*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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18
18
Review of Erosion  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Erosion"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A well-written, powerful poem with clear emotion and imagery.

Strengths:

*CheckB*I was planning on sticking with stories, but the description for this piece intruiged me. I'm glad I read it - this is one of the most powerful pieces I've read in a while. Things dealing with the mind being lost always seem strong to me, as I see the mind as equivalent to self. The imagery and emotion with which this piece portrayed that loss of mind was so deep. It shows the wishing that he knows will not be fufilled, the sad acceptance that doesn't stop an innate, irrational hope - I can picture someone sitting by the beach, absorbed in the waves and thinking these thoughts very clearly. It's a strong picture. I have a feeling this poem is going to stick with me for a while yet. Amazing job with this - it is, quite simply, an incredible piece of writing.

*CheckB*'lunar king of clocks' Great phrase. Flows well, very clear imagery, as well as that feeling of it being big and unstoppable from the 'king'.

*CheckB*'scattered behind you as you walk
like cast off seashells left behind' Great metaphor. I like the extended beach metaphor throughout, but this bit in particular seemed very apt.

*CheckB*'And yet you walk as walk we did' I like how you subetely intergrate the idea here that, while the specific memories might have been lost, the emotion these events contained could still draw her to the places where they happened. It makes me feel sorry for her as well, for it seems like there would be a sense of loss for her though she does not know why, that she tries to fill with this walking. Simply stated and thought-provoking.

*CheckB*'and I shall walk the beach alone
wishing the waves could wash you home.' So much emotion. You really make me feel for this character. There's something about the calmness of the way you word things, so that there would never be a line here where an exclamation mark could fit, that makes it all so much more poignant for that calmness. The deep, timeless sense of pain and loss it creates is great. Brilliant job! *Smile*

Suggestions:

*CheckB*'long before your memories hid.' That word seemed off to me. I think it's because 'hid' has connatations of childhood games and is temporary - something hidden is not lost forever, merely waiting to be found. You might want to consider fitting in 'slid' or 'rid' in some way - the memories having slid away, or being rid of the memories... not sure of an exact phrasing you can use, but it might be worth looking at.

*CheckB*'exploring searching for lost gold' Having 'exploring searching' next to eachother without grammar made the line flow badly for me. I think a comma would help, but more so finding something extra to say in that line as 'exploring' and 'searching' are synonomous, so I think you only need one.

*CheckB*You might want to consider revising your use of 'Every shifting of the tide' in your second to last stanza as, because it is the same start as the first stanza, it makes it seem like it should be the last - creates a rounded off feeling which makes the last stanza seem a bit like an afterthought. The actual content of these stanza's are very strong, I'm just commenting on the overall structure.

*CheckB*'Times sands through' This line was bit unclear for me. Was one of those words meant to be a possesive?

End Comments:

I enjoyed this piece a great deal - you have real talent. Keep it up! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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19
19
Review of A Journey Home  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review of your piece: "A Journey Home"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A pleasant piece which leaves a lasting impression due to a terrific and emotional end.

Strengths:

*CheckB*You set the scene, setting, topic, what will probably be the main plot point, mystery and tone in the first paragraph. It draws me in with the mystery of why a connection is felt - is it something sci-fi? A dormant connection? A biological phenomenon of memories passed on in generations? Or simply an imagined link due to the connection the character feels he should have, as it is his anscestors land, and so has unknowingly manufactured? It seems to lend toward the last one, but it leaves it open so the reader will want to continue, which is good. The re-inforement of the point with 'And I did feel as if I were returning.' is effective.

*CheckB*I like the humor at the end of the second paragraph. It helped me relate to your protag and made the story entertaining. Also, saying it almost had him in tears is a clever way to describe his frustration/confusion/distress at the different side of road driving without repeating yourself.

*CheckB*Paragraph's 3-5 have some really good descriptions. I like how you described what the look of the place made the character want to do to add more life to it all. Very effective, it drew me in and was easy to visualize.

*CheckB*The knowing bits throughout do a good job of tying the piece together and linking the start to the end. It makes for a nice, well-rounded piece that is very consistent within itself and seems to have focus, all summed up nicely at the end with a powerful last sentence.

*CheckB*I think the second half of the story was much more powerful than the first. It seemed to get into a good flow, drew me in, gave us a bit of background and showed emotions (hesitation etc) that allowed me to relate to the protag. The plot starts to really pick up, as well. I think you could probably cut down on some of the drive at the start, or add some more of the mystery and seeing things with familiarity to it, in order to keep this flow going all the way through.

*CheckB*The atmosphere of the piece was very low key, making it a relaxing and pleasant read. It was also very consistent, with just little bits of confusion/tension for the reader breaking it up and keeping it interesting. It was a nice balance.

*CheckB*The last few paragraphs are very strong. I felt an emotional attachment to the protag and could easily picture this scene. The grandmother appearing for just an instant, rather than talking and the birds were a nice touch, as were the flashbacks. It all built together to leave a lasting impression. Good job! *Smile*

Suggestions:

*CheckB*'I knew it the minute' This emphasis (with the 'knew' in itallics) seemed odd to me. When reading that sentence, it is natural to put slight emphasis on it anyway and I think it sounds better in that natural state, as a simple and definitive statement.

*CheckB*'But this... Yet I' Having two sentences in a row that start with 'but, yet, however' or similiar ones that contradict something previously said always makes reading awkward for me. I also don't see the need for the 'but' in the first of those sentences. It being your first trip shouldn't contradict being fascinated by all of it. I'd chop that word and leave the 'yet' in later.

*CheckB*Watch your sentence startings. Your first few are 'I, I, But, Yet, I, And, A'. Usings so many pronouns and conjunctions (I finally learnt the proper words for them! *Delight*) as startings, instead of verbs or nouns, can lend a listing feeling. I'd suggest re-phrasing a bit so you have some more verbs and nouns added in as sentence startings. This should help bring the piece out as a whole.

*CheckB*'A short while later I knew, as if I hadn’t already, that I certainly had never tried ' This phrasing seems awkward. It sounds like the 'as if I hadn't already' had been added on as an afterthought. I'd simplify it into something more straight-forward.

*CheckB*I think some more 'showing' near the start would help me enter the world of this piece. It feels as if you're telling me what's happening, but I don't know anything about the protag's age, gender, looks, interests, what's around him (apart from general things like 'airport' and 'road'.) If you could describe the road, whether it was busy or not, was it a country or city road, were there buildings or trees? What time of day/night, what type of car, were there pedestrians/bikes nearby, was the place run-down or lots of life? Just basic things to help provide a visual picture. As it is, it's a little hard to get into the story. Some of this might be more obvious to readers who know where 'Kerry' is (I'm from NZ, so I'm clueless on that *Wink*), but it's still good to show a bit more.

*CheckB*'the bed and breakfast I’d be staying at had me turning off' We can assume the protag will be staying at it and this bit breaks up the flow a little.

*CheckB*It seemed to be a little rushed when he checked in. You've spent a lot of time writing about the car ride, but only a sentence getting him in the place he's staying, up the stairs and to his room. I would have liked to have known something about his interactions with the owner, to add more depth and some relationships in it. Even just a couple bits of dialouge, maybe a first impressions sentence, something like that. It would also help me know more about the protag by the way they act/communicate.

*CheckB*'Centered on one wall... fields a wee bit' The sentences in this are all approximately the same length and, with them being description as well, it creates a listing feeling. I'd suggest re-phrasing and mixing up lengths a bit.

*CheckB*'I needed to do., a journey' double bits of grammar, full-stop needs deleting.

*CheckB*'Now, don’t think... giggle of sound.' I like this sentence, but it's a bit of a run-on. I'd try and break it into two.

End Comments:

This was a pleasant piece to read and has some good potential. I think it needs a little more character development and some clearer descriptions, along with a bit of work on phrasing and flow, but then it could be a real gem. I'm happy to re-rate when you've edited, if you email me when you have. Good luck with editing, it has a nice base plot and good atmosphere which make me think it'll be a great piece in the end *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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20
20
Review of The Broken Goose  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review of your piece: "The Broken Goose"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A touching piece about a person's life, expectations and dreams tied together in the metaphor of an injured goose.

Strengths:

*CheckB*You give us a very clear picture of both character, setting and situation in the first few paragraphs. I could visualize the protag particularly well and, while we know little but her apperance and that she's opening something, those descriptions seem imbued with personality - we know she's old, not someone who dye's her hair, someone who can get a bit obsessive about some things but is generally pretty carefree and overall a very easy to relate to character. Even the little actions, like sighing or running her hand through her hair, help us get into her mindset. Well-developed in a short space of time.

*CheckB*The whole piece felt very real, it was easy to become a part of the world you present. The amount of details help maintain this, as well as keeping a leisurely piece that fits the reflective tone of the piece. It's a soft, pleasant read.

*CheckB*The ending is powerful. Especially this line near the start of the ending Eventually she had given... with the broken wing. had a lot of emotion, summed up the piece and rang as true. Then you swap this around and show us that some people do get the dreams the protag dreamed of, creating an inspirational piece, and the last sentence links everything together. It was an ending with a satisfying feeling of conclusion. Good job! *Smile*


Suggestions:

*CheckB*'the bright yellow Victorian house with the white wrap around porch over looking the ocean' Could you maybe work these descriptions in one by one throughout several sentences? As it is, it doesn't have the best flow due to a listing feeling.

*CheckB*'ThisIt gave her thatthe feeling' Having 'this' starting this particular sentence read a bit odd to me. Not sure why - if you think different, keep it as is *Wink*

*CheckB*'so than the painting or polishing windows'

*CheckB*'This gave her that... make it ready' A bit of a run-on. You might want to chop it up into a couple sentences.

*CheckB*Varying your sentence startings a bit could help this piece, I think. Your first few are: 'Angel, The, This, This, She, A, A, She' having more of the 'Hanging, Dream, Real, May, Fifty' type sentence startings mixed in might help add variety and bring the piece out as a whole. In particular, I'd try to cut down the amount of sentences starting with 'she' - it gets a bit repetitive.

*CheckB*'every which way, and had they approached her' This sentence is a bit of a run-on, I think you could break it into two approximately where the comma is (with a bit of re-phrasing.)

*CheckB*'would have stopped short at possibly the greenest eyes they’d ever seen' It seems a bit weird to have an absolute ('would have' instead of 'may have' or equivalent) followed by a 'possibly'. It makes perfect sense, it just might sound better if the two were consistent.

*CheckB*'her head at her selfherself'

*CheckB*'weren’t called Canadian geese, like everyone said and they didn’t come from Canada necessarily' awkward phrasing with the 'and...' added on at the end of the statement.

*CheckB*I think it might help the flow to have the second paragraph of the flashback switched with the first. As it is, you start talking about geese, have a paragraph with the protag's background, and then go back to geese again. Having background, geese, geese would be a more logical layout, I think.

*CheckB*You have a lot of sentences in the flashback starting with 'over the years' or 'every year' or an equivalent. In most cases, these can be cut, allowing the piece to be slightly faster paced and flow better. For instance 'Over the years, her voice, coming to mean food...' works just as well with the first bit cut.

*CheckB*'She learned ofto being responsible'

*CheckB*'head low instead high and 'you need an 'of' between low and instead.

*CheckB*'and that her life was in danger too'

*CheckB*' It also meant they would not be able to migrate' I'd try to come up with a new start for the sentence so it doesn't sound like listing.

*CheckB*'had picked that spot. She used to talk to the geese' It seems here like the second sentence will be an explanation of the first, ie why it was funny. The statement doesn't seem linked, though - maybe put it in a different paragraph?

*CheckB*' Walking inside the airy entry foyer and walking across 'You only need it once. Also, you might want to use something like 'wandering' or 'strolling' etc instead of walking so that it's easier to visualize and provides more of a tone.

*CheckB*'Hi Mom How’s it going'Needs a full-stop after 'Mom'.

*CheckB*'“Yes it is! And! We are fully booked for the next few months for the weekends!'I'm not sure why 'And!' has it's own sentence, it reads a little odd. I also think that the use of so many exclamation marks detracts from the realism of this scene. Having one just after 'Yes, it is' would be better, I think. This applies to the next few bits in the conversation, as well. Having less exclamation marks should make the piece look more professional.

*CheckB*The above conversation didn't ring completely true to me. I think it was the lack of any darker undertones - it seemed to be a perfect family, with no tension between them at all. I'm not saying that all the characters can't be happy, but even a slight disagreement or jibe would add more depth. (eg when she says she'll set up a shop, something about it all being about the money, a semi-playful joke, or when the mother is told the daughter is pregnant I think there would be a longer moment to process it, maybe with the daugter talking worriedly at the other end. Taking everything so in stride, so quickly, is a very rare trait and makes the protag harder to relate to.) Of course, this could just be me, but I think the contrast this would provide would make the rest of the happiness stand out even more anyway and prevent it from seeming superficial.

End Comments:

This is a well-paced, inspirational piece. I enjoyed reading it. I think all it really needs is a bit of tidying up stylistically to help it flow better, maintain realism and keep the reader's interest. Overall, a very nice piece! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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21
21
Review of Lock And Key  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a review of your piece: "Lock And Key"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A sweet poem in the form of an extended metaphor.

Strengths:

*CheckB*You have a clear style to this poem, which helps lend it a dream-like quality.

*CheckB*The extended metaphor of the two as lock and key links the whole poem together, gives the ending a satisfying feeling of conclusion and is thought-provoking in and of the metaphor itself. After all, when the key leaves the lock the lock stays locked off - is this a further message you were hinting at?

Suggestions:

*CheckB*While I understand it's stylistic, I felt that having so little words on each line made it jolty and hard to enter the world of the poem. Especially the lines that just had joining bits like 'As the' 'From' 'The' 'Other'. I'd try and put these, at least, with other words on a line and use the short lines in contrast for effect where there are important words.

*CheckB*A bit more imagery would bring this piece to life. Instead of telling us they are never broken apart by 'x, x, and x' give specifics, a scene where they stay together no matter what hand tries to budge them to unlock the door, or something like that. It would bring the piece out as a whole.

*CheckB*Careful of cliches, like 'together forever' and 'never broken apart' and 'aching hearts'. A good way to avoid them is being less abstract and more specific.

End Comments:

An enjoyable and refreshing read, good job! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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22
22
Review of Waiting  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a review of your piece: "Waiting"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A well-crafted poem which portrays a concise idea of cause and effect with great imagery and subtle emotion.

Strengths:

*CheckB*unprovoked disturbances. I love this line. It's such a simple, condensed explanation of a big concept that can fit so many things. I also like the ripples at their core. It leads to a lot of thoughts about whether conflict is the core of nature and existence, but is does so subtley and with style.

*CheckB*Great imagery - it's consistent metaphorical nature, the ripples immediatly leads to connatations in the reader's head of consequences and the whole thing is easy to visualize.

*CheckB*The rhyme and rhythm is consistent and helps this poem have excellent flow. All in all, it's an idea portrayed with style and flair in poetic form.

*CheckB*The last line is a bit of a twist, but very shocking and thought-provoking. This is a poem I'll think of even now I've finished it. That takes talent and is the mark of a true writer - great job! *Smile*

Suggestions:

*CheckB*You don't need commas after every line. Some will help the flow, but too many are detrimenatal. For example, at the end of the first line you don't need one - read it without, the two statements flow on perfectly without. Look through and you'll see other places where this is the case. If in doubt, try it out and see which flows better when you read aloud.

*CheckB*'Soar' rhymes with 'core' which makes it seem at first as if the rhyme scheme is off in the last stanza. Could you change it for something that doesn't rhyme?

*CheckB*Try to avoid repitition unless for effect. For example, you have 'once something' twice in the last stanza, 'The something' at the start of five lines etc. It doesn't detract much from this piece, just something to be aware of.

End Comments:

A great poem, I really enjoyed reading it! Good luck with all your writing endeavors in future, you have some real talent *Wink*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
Free_RIP

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23
23
Review of Lost  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a review of your piece: "Lost"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A short, highly emotional poem. It's easy to sympathize with the strong narrator.

Strengths:

*CheckB*The emotion is clear and strong, with every line contributing to it. It comes to a climax at 'I hate you' and then settles down into a more continuing depressing tone.

*CheckB*The flow is generally good, it's easy to read.

*CheckB*The first couple lines set the emotional and physical scene nicely.

*CheckB*The age of the narrator is clear through the strong narrative voice and the narrator is easy to relate to.

Suggestions:

*CheckB*Some more 'show, don't tell' would help. Instead of 'tears streaming down her face' you could talk about the feeling of claminess the tears left, or the bloated red it turned her cheeks, or the feeling of the tears forcing themselves past her lids... anything to help us visualize and feel it more clearly. This would bring the poem out as a whole and up the emotion even more.

*CheckB*'I hate you'. I'd put this in italics instead of capitals, it will look more professional visually.

*CheckB*Nearly every line has startings like 'She, The, Her'. More startings like 'Tears, hate, Forever, Running' would help to add variety and bring the piece out. This can be acheived through a bit of rephrasing.

*CheckB*Some sort of consistent syllable count line to line would help the rhythm, I think, as would a rhyme scheme.

End Comments:

A touching and powerful piece, good job. Keep writing! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
Free_RIP

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24
24
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This is a review of your piece: "Hush Little Victim"  [13+]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A creepy poem which plays off the reader's memories to create a strong contrast, provoking just as strong emotions.

Strengths:

*CheckB*It all has good rhythm and rhyme, just like the original *Wink*

*CheckB*Playing upon something so many people remember and relate to happy times and childhood makes the contrast of what you have done to it effective.

*CheckB*It has a very creepy tone to it - the narrative presence is strong, which aids this.

Suggestions:

*CheckB*The first time I read 'A', I thought you had meant to write 'I' and made a typo. After reading through, it seems 'A' is the abbreviated name that the character goes by, but this is not clear at first and confuses the reader. I would either change it to 'I' and make it first person (it would fit the creepy tone, as if he's talking to the baby) or you could choose a one-syllable name that is clearly a name. This would allow the reader to get absorbed in the world you create without distraction.

*CheckB*'If that lullaby isn't heard,' This and the previous line don't seem in keeping with the rest of the poem. Neither are twisted, but are something you might indeed see in a child's song. The rhythm also seemed a little off to me in this line, in comparison with the rest of the poem.

*CheckB*This is a good way to practice, but if you want things you can get published you'll have to make your links to other works less obvious. Even some phrase that is reminiscent of one in a commonly known work can bring it's connatations into play - and if the reader doesn't realize it, all the better as the emotions provoked will seem more pure and strong. Still, it's an enjoyable piece! *Wink*

*CheckB*'Autumn Leaves' not sure why 'Leaves' has a capital. I'd leave it as 'leaves'.

*CheckB*You have a lot telling of what 'A' will do, but not much showing. Try to provide us with some imagery of these things you're talking about. I can't give too many specifics, because it's a public review and all the bits I could give examples on would be graphic, but if you use some metaphors or imagery it will bring the poem out. That being said, it would be hard to do in this form as the original is very much a 'telling' song. If you think of something you could add/replace to give more visuals, though, it would be worth it.

*CheckB*The ending didn't seem as conclusive as it could have been. After the list of horrors, there wasn't much to make this one stand out. I'd try to link it to the beginning so the poem feels rounded off and like it should naturally end there.

End Comments:

A nice, creepy little parody. A refreshing read - keep it up! *Smile*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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25
25
Review of Brain Strain  
Review by Free_Rip
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a review of your piece: "Brain Strain"  [E]
These are just my opinions, take what's useful and ignore the rest *Smile*


*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Impressions:

A short, flowing and entertaining poem about making choices. Could use a bit of touching up.

Strengths:

*CheckB*You've got a strong narrative presence which is carried all through, to the point where it sounds almost like someone is talking straight to us. It is emphasized with the first person and conversational style.

*CheckB*The rhymes are good and having them one after another (aabb instead of abab) works in this poem as it keeps up a fast, humorous pace and helps with the above point about the conversational style.

*CheckB*In general the poem flows well and is entertaining.

Suggestions:

*CheckB*You'll get more reviews if you give this a rating. At the moment it won't show up on the newbie page or the any of the general pages where people look to find reads.

*CheckB*In the description, you should have 'about' not 'avout'. Also, you should have 'This is a' not just 'This a'. It's important to get your description right as this is how people decide whether or not to read your piece.

*CheckB*I think this would work best in three four-lined stanza's instead of one big one. At the moment it is a bit daunting visually.

*CheckB*A little imagery or metaphor, along with the more general comments you have, would help the piece stand out as a whole and would help you avoid cliches. That is often a problem with more general pieces: it is very hard to say something new. 'head aches', 'weighting choices' and 'strain on your brain' are all cliches. If you mix these up, or replace them, with more specific and sensory-rich description you'll find the whole poem will be a lot more vibrant.

*CheckB*I'd put an exclamation mark at the end of the first line to help solidfy the narrative voice and for flow's sake.

*CheckB*'Anytime I shared a doubt.'This line doesn't work for me because, if sharing a doubt is the constant, that means he shares it somehow now. I think 'Anytime I had a doubt.' or 'Anytime I was overtaken by doubt' would be better.

*CheckB*'getting muddled.
How do' I'd put a dash, not a full stop. It's better flow-wise and is more in keeping with the conversational tone.

*CheckB*I think the ending isn't as conclusive as it could be. You want something that sums up all the other points and leaves the reader knowing the poem wouldn't work if another line went after it. Since you have many different points in the same vien, that last line seems like merely another and not a summing up of the ones before.

End Comments:

This poem could use a little work, but has a refreshing style which made it entertaining to read and gives it some good potential. Keep at it, this piece could become really good with a little work! *Wink*

*Snow3* *Snow3* *Snow3*


Hope you found this helpful, keep writing!*Smile*
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