Was this written for a contest? You are a very talented writer and this I imagine was a tricky task but the message came across well.
The piece reads well and there is an important message there. However, I think it could have been expressed even better.
I think the message is too serious to ignore. If it is Christs birthday and people are celebrating that, then how can they possibly forget the point of the occassion? I say that and I am not even a Christian!
Would love to discuss this more with w.com members and I have a poll in my port that starts off this discussion if you are interested.
This was a fascinating read. I learnt alot and I'm Muslim! What religion do you follow?
I only wanted to question one point you made - you said that Muhammad started a new religion. Muslims believe that all the prophets from Adam, Noah, Abraham and Jesus were all believing in the One God, Allah and following the religion of Islam.
I also wanted to add that I felt that the piece wasn't finished and more could be said.
I loved the style of this piece. The tone was spot on. Respectful and not preachy. I found you expressed yourself very well.
A nice cheerful piece. I am glad that you can see Islam in a peaceful light. It has strong links to Christianity and Judaism and so I am glad that you were able to identify how these religions all share common ground. I like the flow and rhyme in the piece. Thanks for entering.
I really enjoyed this piece and the direction you took it in. I like the style, thought and creativity in it.
It was nice that you refered to the People of the Book (the jews and the Christians). I think a little info. explaining who they are would have been helpful too because some might not understand the reference.
I loved the fact that you were able to highlight the common points that all three of the major world religions share. Sure we have differences but it is nice to be educated about similarities too!
I came across this piece and wish to defend my decision to host this contest. You have openly criticised that here, and I wish we could have resolved this issue privately.
I welcome discussion about Islam. Always have and always will. I enjoy a good discussion and I love Islam. What an excellent combination! As you probably know I write numerous pieces on Islam. I get tonnes of reviews on them and have engaged in many discussions on the subject. I also find work that other people have written and review that too.
I am interested in how you view Islam.
I don't know why you have come to the conclusion because I hosted a contest on a different theme, that suddenly meant that I was against an open discussion about it. My contest was to mark Ramadan. Like I explained surely I was not expected to plug and promote work on Islam that offended me and I felt was inaccurate? Saying that I would love to review such work. The job of a reviewer and contest host are very different.
There are many non-Muslims who hold a positive view of Islam. The media won't talk to them, but I have. I wanted to give readers of w.com a chance to hear their voices. Is there anything wrong with that? I am not sugar coating anything. It's the members of w.com who write the entries. It's their opinion and their choice.
I am sorry that you have met Muslims who have put up a barrier to your learning. I hope you find that I am always open to search for the truth, and any question you have, I will attempt to find an answer to it.
I agree that everyone should know the religion they follow, and I also agree that we should know what our critics are saying. Both very valuable. I try and learn a lot about Islam. I learn about different groups. I also drop into "Invalid Item" and try and learn about Christianity. I only mention all this to highlight that you paint Muslims as isolated, ignorant and intolerant individuals (is that correct?) and we are not all like that.
If you haven't seen these articles I wanted to draw them to your attention. I am not looking for reviews or anything (would love them if you want to give them lol), but I just thought they might alleviate some of your concerns.
I appreciate the concerns you share in this piece. It isn't the Islam I know, but I know in this current climate, and with all that it is said in the media, many will walk away with this impression of Islam. I have found here on w.com an open community. After sept 11 I didn't expect that. So many here have given me, Muslims, and Islam a chance. It's been a brave move on their parts, and I respect that. It's going to take time to alleviate fears and show Islam for the peaceful religion that it is. I am willing to do the work and take that time, God-willing.
I think this offers food for thought and could perhaps be expanded a little. I liked the last section but perhaps a conclusion is needed as the ending sounded abrupt. However, the challenge is an interesting one.
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item"
That's a lovely story! I found the plot really unique and your style made this piece easy to get into.
I really enjoyed the culture in this piece. I read books set in foreign lands and I am always impressed at the level of research that goes into them.
I was a bit confused about the part when his fott gets stuck. If he was getting on the train then it is likely that his left foot would be the one stuck outside.
I also thought the making of the coffee was too detailed. I can see why it is interesting, and would probably fit into a longer piece.
Lastly, I thought the story ended nicely with them walking together. The reader can work out the rest.
I really enjoyed this. Thanks for taking me away from hot England.
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item"
I was wondering where you were taking this story, and I think perhaps a less patient person might have given up earlier. Which is a shame!
But that's good in a way. You have built up an interesting character. That was what initially struck me about this piece. I thought this kind of character would be right at home in a longer piece. He is whiner that would get on anyone's nerves!
I liked the creativity in the piece. I could picture it all, so you used good imagery too.
I thought the ending worked really well, and was the perfect reward for our patience lol. It did not disappoint.
You raise some interesting points about different people and how we should all be able to live together.
This piece really hit me deep inside. That first image that I came across of the girl just felt so sad. I loved this line 'Can't you see I'm not that strong?' If loved is the right word. It just fit the piece so well I thought.
What were you trying to explain about the raining? I did feel for your difficulties and pain. Do you have anyone to try and help you with them? I hope you have found a supportive community here.
What message were you trying to convey about the rain?
I think by working on the presentation this piece could come across more sharp and raw.
I love travelling. I enjoyed reading about your experience. Your flight was eventful but I am glad that you made it there ok.
Below are some suggestions for improvements.
'baggage check somehow was a breeze' - your implying more here...I think you need to fill the reader in better.
I would build up the moment of panic more. You are kind of jumping ahead. Tell us from the beginning. Eg. I had been dreading this trip for weeks because I hated flying, but the easy check in gave me a false sense of security...something like that.
'maybe even change the engine' - I know nothing about planes...but I don't think that would be a 2 hour job.
'we were flying with Alitalia Air Lines.' - what is the implication of that?
It was an interesting piece. I enjoy reading non-fiction and you write well.
You have real talent. This is impressive....I just wish you had written about another topic.
As it stands this made me very hungry for chocolate! You have a great eye for detail and I can see that a lot of effort was put into the descriptions. You did a great job and I could almost taste chocolate.
Half-way through I got a bit tired of the same topic with no real drama to offer further interest. That is why I suggested that you write about something else. I can see you have a lot of talent.
I felt that the opening needed some work. You have a story to tell but I sometimes feel that your setence structure could be improved..such as here 'Davy left school at 13, not because he wanted to.'
The story got better as it went along. I found the part about America interesting and you add colour and variety in your piece.
It seems a little rushed, but I think kids would enjoy reading something like this, once it is developed a little. I think this could be expanded and dialogue added. You tell the story a lot while it would help if you showed what was going on more.
This was a very interesting piece. I was impressed by the quality of it. Did you have to research it or is this something that you know a lot about?
I think items such as this would be great to fill the gaps in a story or novel between the action. It is wonderful description and really sets the scene.
I would take off the green and bold, and while the image is beautiful - I personally felt after reading your work that the words were just as beautiful and did not need an image to support them.
I think that this would be good as a sample, and felt that it couldn't be really described as a story. I think you have a lot of talent and wish you well with your writing.
You don't need the formalities in the opening. It distracts slightly from your work.
'Pots of tea and coffee where set on the table so they could help themselves, along with two plates of assorted, not too fancy, Cakes and Buns.'
I would say served, rather than mention the table again. Also no caps needed on cake and buns.
I liked the way you opened the story. However I was disappointed when you got to the part about the catalogue. You didn't seem to get to the point about that reference before the paragraph was over. I think there was too much irrelevant detail there. I would either explain its significance or edit it.
The paragraph starting 'Next was Knox McDonald...' shows you have an eye for detail and I really enjoyed the tone of the piece. It was entertaining and kept the reader involved.
'Anyway to cut a long story short the Crib' - I would edit this it makes the piece sound boring.
I liked the message of unity at the end. Very important. However, I would work on the last line.
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This piece was informative. It discusses some important and relevant issues.
It is always nice when you can find inspiration from other members.
I agree that there needs to be more unity among the Christians and Muslims.
I also agree that the US needs to offer more support to the Palestinians. I think this is a good example of them not wanting to support democracy.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I found your piece discussing too many issues to find clear connections and conclusions.
I wanted to know what you meant by the term Islamic fundamentalism - it means different things to different groups.
'Fundamentalistic Islamic societies prefer madrassa system of education to modern school system of education. The former has no use for mathematics and science and English language' - I don't know where you get your information from but as a Muslim I know that Islamic encourages knowledge - all learning. The first word to be revealed by God to Muhammad was "read". Of course Islamic knowledge is stressed, but where there is money - knowledge of every other kind is encouraged. I got my degree in psychology.
Naturally we don't agree on our views of Shariah law. If Islam promoted such discrimination against women then why it is the fastest growing religion - with mostly women converting?
You seem to suggest that Islam says that Muslim women are "worth just half a man". Islam honours women. They are the one that is given a bridal gift. Mothers are honoured above fathers. The prophet said that "heaven lies beneath the feet of the mother" - stressing the great benefit in serving here. Daughters are honoured, with the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) saying: “Whoever takes care of two girls until they reach adulthood, he and I will come like this on the Day of Resurrection,” and he held his fingers together.
Those are just a few examples of how women are not half of men.
As you may have guessed there are many other things in your piece that I object to.
When were women called sinful - Islam does not blame Eve for the fall of mankind, it was both she and Adam that made the mistake.
Why do women choose to wear the veil? I chose to. Many do so against parental disapproval. Why?
Muslims do not see themselves as Children of god. We are God's servants, so when asked the question 'Am I not your own daughter?' - she is not. Neither is a Muslim man god's son.
The end of your piece raises an interesting point about who is to blame for all of this. It seems like you can't decide - man or God?
Why stress the Female foeticide here? Islam strictly prohibits abortions and the Quran in particular comes to the defense of a baby girl who was killed before Islam. This crime is awful, but why make out that it is particularly a Muslim one? India has the worst record and it was my understanding that it was one Sikh that was particularly effected. I'll get the details later. In Islam we don't even have the dowry system.
Again I am wondering where your evidence is....I've been to Saudi arabia and have been out without a male escort in the two holy cities. Also if a man wanted to accompany me I have no problem with that. Where is the problem? I know some women will not like this attitude, but why is there voice the most important?
This was easy to imagine and I thought of the homeless and how they must feel.
I think more could be done with this piece. It is short and I felt the repitition would have been better in a longer piece. As it is there is not much chance for anything new to be offered to the reader.
I was wondering what made you write this? Perhaps you could go back to that idea and work on expanding this in different directions.
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight , whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I think that the topic of chastity needs to be discussed a lot more and I am glad you raised it here. This was a very interesting article.
I learnt a lot about the Christian views on family planning etc.
You took a very bold step in discussing these issues that are not popular today. This is a relevant article.
Islam agrees with Christianity that abortion and sex outside marriage are both sins. And also that marriage is for the procreation of children.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I found that the points you were trying to make were not argued as effectively as they could have been. I felt that you confused the issues a lot.
You could have discussed chastity in its own right. You could have discussed contraception in its own right. The two don't have to be connected. I found the argument you did present was very weak. I can't imagine parents discussing their sex life and the lengths they went to avoid having kids. I also think their kids will not be able to relate to such a discussion. Your arguement is further weakened when you bring the parents sins - the same ones that the kids are supposed to avoid.
Islam doesn't agree with celibacy. Muslims are encouraged to get married young to avoid sins. I don't think you should have raised this point here. Maybe I am wrong but I don't think it is relevant to the general audience. It concerns a few that want to go down this path and so does not offer a strong argument to the people you are trying to convince to your way of thinking.
With regards to the use of contraception - as far as I am aware, the Islamic view point is that this can be done on a temporary basis when both husband and wife agree that they would like a short gap (2 years) between children.
I think that parents don't have to be practising family planning for them to tell their children to wait till they get married. These are two different arguments. Of course parents should be good role models for their kids in all their practises, but I think the parents can do a lot to guide their kids in other ways. Your opening (which was very interesting) indicated that. If parents are allowing dating, and their children to spend time alone with their partner then these are some of the areas where the problems are.
Final Words...
I felt this really should have been two articles. One targetted on the teens and the chastity issue and the other for married people about family planning. I personally would like to see more articles for teens. I wrote "Invalid Item" which might interest you.
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of Iritegud, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months.
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This was a lovely piece. It reminded me of my attachment to the Koran. I guess we both treasure our holy books in the same way.
It is a lovely experience when you are searching for something and you pick up the Koran and you find the answer right there in print. It brings great comfort. I guess that is what this piece is talking about.
The Koran was revealed to Muhammad in Arabic through angel Gabriel. I read an English translation and found one in very simple English. I was reading the first few chapters (I have read them many times before) but I was surprised at how much more it made sense and how I was still learning so much.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I didn't understand the part about the missing page. I don't see how anything we have to offer can compare to divine guidance.
Final Words...
Your work flows well and I am sure many religious people will take comfort in your words. But why the dusty pages. Surely a holy book should be kept better? You might like to take a look at "Invalid Item"
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of Iritegud, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months.
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This was a very honest piece. I was interested in this because I know people like this and was wondering what this piece would offer.
I am glad that you have had some success in over coming your shyness.
I think it is something that many people battle for different reasons and in different circumstances.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I wish that you had offered more of an explaination for your successes.
You mentioned your past - any other articles on that which could be linked here?
I didn't really understand the point of this. It didn't seem to follow one thread - eg. you asking for help or sharing your success story. Was it a bit of both?
Final Words...
This piece tells me that we have many of the same problems. I sincerely wish you well with this fight. I know how debilitating it can be. You might like to read "Invalid Item"
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of Iritegud, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months.
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
I enjoyed the passion in this piece. It came across as a very powerful piece. Do you feel this strongly about the subject?
I thought the description was very interesting and thought provoking.
I miss not seeing the sunset. When you are in doors all day - you miss beautiful things like that. Sometimes I'll be out, some place high up and will see the sunset in all its glory and wonder how each day could go by and I not see this beauty. That is what this piece reminded me of.
I loved the last verse. So very true and interesting.
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I felt that the lines could be ordered better to create a better flow. I persoanlly like short and sharp poetry. I find the delivery is better.
Final Words...
I can see you have talent. After reading this though I did think to myself why don't you move?
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of Iritegud, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed in the previous six months.
What I like about this item...
I always like to start with the positives because I know that you have put a lot of work into this. I also think it's very helpful to point out the best bits in a piece so that you're able to develop your strengths.
This was a funny little piece.
I thought the opening was good. You got the reader involved right from the beginning.
'I saw one woman holding up a pair and stretching them at the waist.'
You have some good descriptions and the whole scene is funny. I like the last line. Very good!
Suggestions...
I'm not here to re-write the piece, but if you're editing then these points might help
I felt the tone was a bit too relaxed. I felt you missed the beat at times. It could have been a little more punchy in the delivery.
Perhaps using italics and such sparingly might help you to get the funny lines across.
You wrote 'Close your eyes again. Imagine buying Armenian underwear.' How about 'Now close your eyes again and imagine buying said underwear.' Does that sound a bit better?
The last line was really good but I felt it was lost. I don't know what to suggest but I would tweak the ending.
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This piece was informative. It discusses some important and relevant issues.
Suggestions... 
I found your piece discussing too many issues to find clear connections and conclusions.
Interesting but at times inaccurate.
A sweet little piece. Did you propose to him?
