I think we could all use a little something like this. It looks to me like you've held yourself accountable for everything you wanted to get done and haven't (including past years resolutions ). My only two suggestions are these.
1) You may want to consider making a numbered list using this letter. It would probably be easier to accomplish if you made a list of these things and made sure to do each thing atleast once a week or so.
2) You should also try to expand this type of thing to your whole life. I'm not firmiliar with this contest, and I'm assuming it was strictly for WDC.
I can see why this would be displayed. Spectacular poem. I love the way you've drawn the complete picture of this radient girl without using cliches and dull adjectives. The only thing I would suggest is to alter the beginning. I'm not one for flowery poetry (which this piece is not) though I was afraid that it would be from the first four lines. In other words it came on too strong for me. But, all of these descriptions are not cliche; they're original! "I take sparingly, as if I were giving her the air I do not need", that line hooked me in. This makes me want to see this girl, she's really that great. May I meet your muse for this piece . The end was also nice due to the turn. Hearing about her beauty is great, even crucial . But, turning it to how you feel and how strongly you feel; thats powerful. Thanks for having this up for me to read Write on!
This poem seems like the fruit of many hours labor. Although there are a few things missing. You've presented a myserious girl that should be described more (atleast the reader wants to know more about her). Though, the problem has become that she will never know your feelings for her. With this particular problem you must answer the question Why not? Tell us why you will not or can not tell her your feelings. Overall though I did enjoy reading this, hope to see more added on. Write on!
55 years go I can certainly see this as being a very powerful poem, and I sure gave you a strong feeling to have written it. Thankfully things have changed to the make it a less powerful poem. Unfortunatly there is still a need to unite everyone with the idea of racial equality. Thank you for sharing this one, and thanks to Emibus for encouragingyou to post this. Write on!
The cute idea of this poem reminds me a great deal of a comedian named Dana Carvey who had a joke about how cute his son was when he asked "Daddy, does god have feet?". It may be a over used idea, but it is cute. Either way, as for the poem itself I do think you should reconsider the word usage. By that, I mean that you should try to keep the same rhythm within each break. Also while I'm on the topic, the breaks are somewhat undefined. I'll demonstrate using the first stanza. Am I to consider the first line as two parts? or one part? It's common that people do use he comma to break, although it's appropriate break using a new line. As well as I do understand that the comma in the first line would be a typo if not a break. The second line brings me to the reason that breaking using a new line would be better for the reader. You've used two commas. Both were used in the list you've made. Aside from rewriting you're poem it would be difficult to provide a clear rhythm to the reader without using a new line to show your breaks. (The abundance of commas occurs in several places which is why I reccomend this.) Back to what I was saying about the actual rhythm. You have and unequal number of syllables which creates a more difficult read (which gets more concerning toward the end). Rhyming poetry typically fits a rhythm which will let the reader know when a rhyme is coming, or course there are many exceptions. (Bob Dylan comes to my mind.) Again I'm assuming the breaks but any way you slice it; in the first stanza there is a syllable count of
4,4
5,4
or
8
9
This isn't an easy thing to accomplish and (in my opinion) is the reason that rhyming poetry takes so long to write. Don't worry, it doesn't come easy at first. But, I know that it paid off for me, I finally started getting airplay once I was able to ease into this writing. Once you're comfortable with it, it's much easier to get the words to fit correctly and say just what you want to say. I do like rhyming for this poem, i think it adds to the imagery of the child asking about Jesus (I don't like much rhyming poetry). As far as what the poem says, it's a bit concerning. When I think of a face that I'd describe as fierce, a pale chalk-white face is quite the opposite. Also, the boy implies that it is not possible to find Jesus while being on Earth. This contradicts many popular ideals that the Holy Spirit is all around us, or that Jesus can help us through difficult period in our lives (much like "Footprints"). Certainly a wonderful start, a sound tried and true topic. Can't wait to read more later to see more your style and mabye something more original to you and only you (it'd tell me more about who you are). Keep it up. Write on!
Not a bad start, but it's not clear what you're going for. I get the main idea of people crossing paths (paths merging and the diverging again). But, what I don't get is the significant effect that the last line hints at. Really I think this would be cured by adding more to it... after all it is four lines. I'm not big on poems that are lengthy, but I think you'd benefit from atleast a few more lines. Either way I liked it Write on!
I think you've done a good job with this piece, and it shows talent. Although, I don't think the idea has been developed fully. Your main idea is hat you're addicted to writing rhyming poetry of topics you haven't experienced. Also I think that the repetition in the piece of saying "I am an addict" loses it's flare one we learn that you're addicted to writing, not other harsher addictions, so I think it's ineffective here. My suggestion would be to either get rid of the repetition all together, or lengthen the stanzas to make the reader feel less bombarded. But of course, you may want to wait for another review before revamping the piece to the degree that I'm suggesting only because I am really just not partial to the main theme. Either way though Your style reminds me of myself a couple years ago, so naturally I enjoyed reading it. Write on!
I think this is a great start to your writing, and portfolio. I saw your bio block, I don't know how often you update it so happy birthday, and keep this up. I was taken back that you're only 13 years old. I think you could have a real future in writing. I never took to writing until the end of high school which I regret now that I enjoy it so much. So stick with it, and good luck. Write on!
Wow, still have me laughing here. I used to love this story growing up. This is a great form of personification that I have never thought of. A rock, named Vince complaining about the sword being plunged into him. Then now it talks and throws other rocks, and kisses rocks. It's so absurd it's wonderful. Thank you thank you!
This piece is a well written sad story. Thought, you have misspelled recess as recesses in the third paragraph, and also missed the comma next to it. Also if you're going to say Mac & Cheese you may want to include a namebrand to make it seem lest like a slang description. Also you've abbreviated cigarette with cig in the final paragraph. It's a story that could probably be expanded into a novella with a fair amount of effort. That way you could expand on the story and choose whatever you want the reader to feel. We could feel sympathy for Sarah from her terrible past, then her baby taken away. We could feel even worse for Jane due to the neglectful attitude of Sarah, possibly abuse. Really I think you've cracked through with great potential with this piece and you haven't had room to fully develop it with a short story format.
This piece is very emotional. The grey sin I'm assuming is pre-marital sex. What I don't understand in this piece is the second stanza doesn't fit the rest of the poem. I'd recommend either removing it, or expanding the idea of lying twice. I'm also a bit confused by the part at the end about promising. Was the promise that they wouldn't tell anyone who they slept with? As is, I do like this poem. I do still feel that the aforementioned areas could use clarification within the piece. Write on!
Well I don't have any other second graders to compare this to, it was better than I had originally expected. Likewise, it was clearly written by a younger person. I do wish that the dinosaurs had become more a part of the story. I'm not sure whether or not they were just a part of Andy's imagination or if they were real. Way to go Brianna
I enjoyed this. Although, it would do some good to relieve the cliche parts with some more original personalities for your reporters. Though it was already funny.
What I would like to see added is more explaination as to why the fat was burnt off. I do understand that this is satire. But, you could add to the interview a scientist or an expert that explains some crazy reason as to why it has worked. Really, anything to get more explaination behind the fat disappearing. All I've understood thus far is that he hit the ground several times, and the fat was gone.
I like this poem a lot. It has a repettitive drone to it, but it adds to the emotion. I do think that your fairly inconsistant rhyme scheme does take away from it. I reccomend removing the rhyme from the poem all together, but if you are fond of it I'd reccomend keeping it stable throughout the piece. The topic of a broken heart is very clear, but I am not sure why the heart broke. It seems like a lost love of some sort judging by the final section of the poem, but before that, it could have been a large nuber of things. (greieving, depression, etc.)Great start. Write on!
I don't quite understand what's going on here. I think that you've gone too far out of your way to keep the rhyme scheme.
I do understand that there is a secret that has breifly been revealed to someone.
What I don't understand is what you mean by, "wings without flight". It would be helpful to the reader to know whether this is a metaphor or litterally a winged being. It would seem to be a metaphor if it weren't for the two lines:
"Hidden from all others
Even those you called brothers"
Though even still in either case I don't understand the purpose of why their wings are unuseable, or kept secret, or why they've just learned about them, or why it's so awful to have wings that don't work.
I can understand why it made sense to you, but I thought I'd give you the heads up.
This is absolutly the type of thing that we neede to see more of. However, if you're going to have an editorial you should think about who your target audience is. You've done a good job of convincing those that would already believe you. However, I do believe that if you want to change something you should include alternatives to each of these scenarios that you've belittled (which you have for a few). Also, the "corporate push" that you're discussing is due to the fact that we no longer allow children to work like we did, and they still do. I do agree with you, but and full editorial should put all of this to rest. I shouldn't question things like "What is unconstitutional about not allowing people to eat in a certain area?" "Wouldn't it be better to put someone in jail (where they are provided food, and shelter) as opposed to leave them to starve or survive upon the possible good-will of others?" I do agree that our system is bad, but is jail really worse than living on the street (for our exsisting system)? My only real criticism is that your arguement is left open to so many questions. Each point should be explained as to why the system is bad, and you have the right answer, and why your answer is better. Write on!
This poem is very very sweet. I hope she liked it, I would lol. The stanzas vary from 8 lines to 6 lines to 4 lines to 8 lines to 4 lines to 4 lines. That bothers me simply because the poem doesn't seem to fit itself. Also you rhymed "time" with "intertwined", there are other rhyme stretches in this poem but this one really sticks out to me. Happy writing
This really seems like a blog entry as opposed to an essay in comedy. Although, I am curious now. Did this experience change you once your back began to feel better? By that I mean, have you become more at ease to things that you're referring to such as cleaning the floors. Or has it changed you to wanting to clean more after seeing that silvefish nest... I know I can't stand those darn things lol. Either way I liked it. add more to your portfolio.
Awesome way to write about fear. The constant, you now fear... is a great touch. I also admire the use of rhyme. I use it a lot and fail with it a lot. Much respect for being able to use it with grace. But, you have clearly portrayed the intense power of fear. It's very true, and I haven't looked yet but I'm on my way to your portfolio, I hope you have more great pieces for me to read.
I feel that you're song has great potential, although I do think you could improve a few minor things. First I'll start with the things that I liked. Gardens do seem like a good way to push your idea of peacefulness. The idea reminds me of the garden of eden. It is well enough expressed that you don't even have to mention (nor do you mention) examples of these types peaceful gardens. What I would want to see is the rhythm to be more consistant. By that I mean that this is your syllable count per stanza.
12
10
12
10
12
12
12
11
10
10
12
11
13
12
11
11
12
11
10
10
I caught on to this in thanks to your audio clip. I had trouble finding a definitive beat. I believe that you have control over your words, and perhaps didn't think about this. Tell me if/when you revise this, you have a nice voice by the way. Write on! I think you've got great talent.
You're arguement is well thought out, and well defended. I'm still not convinced of your conclusion. You're two primises are correct. But, I found no full reason in your piece that god does not exsist. Your second premise actually allows for error by giving yourself the fallback of 'not yet'. You're off to a great start, and you write very well. But, I get the feeling that your second assumption is too safe, I would suggest not limiting yourself to only two premises, and offering why evidence will never be found. No evidence yet, doesn't quite prove it. Write on!
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Write on!
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