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60 Public Reviews Given
60 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My reviewing style varies. I'll let you know in advance that my reviews aren't merely based on what I feel about your piece. I assure you, I'll be letting you know that, but I'm particularly stringent when it comes to grammatical and technical errors in the pieces that I review. I'm uncommonly thorough, as far as my treatment of each piece that I critique is concerned, and my goal is to help to improve the piece, rather than to "hold your hand and tell you everything's gonna be alright"; which some other reviewers on this site tend to do. To that end, if you're looking for an absolutely honest and serious review, I'm your man. If you like, you can request my appraisal of a short story or essay. I will NOT review an entire book or novel outright, but I'll have no problem what-so-ever in reviewing one on a chapter-by-chapter basis. As a Group Leader of the WdC SuperPower Reviews Group, my reviews will be particularly pertinent, as we're the number one team of reviewers on Writing.com.
I'm good at...
Making sound and logical recommendations regarding sentence, paragraph and overall structure. As regards the more technical aspects of your writing, I can spot and provide suggestions and corrections regarding spelling, the use of punctuation marks and the proper use of paragraphing. Simply put, my overall goal is to help you to perfect the piece you've written. Every writer needs to remember that, to quote John Updike, "Writing and rewriting are a constant search for what it is one is saying."
Favorite Genres
Virtually all pieces of fiction are welcome. My preferences include psychological, historical, romance, mystery, Pulp Fiction and other such works.
Least Favorite Genres
Children's Books; Religious pieces; Horror, slasher or other such gory pieces.
Favorite Item Types
Any engaging works of fiction or theatrical works. Poetry is fine as well.
Least Favorite Item Types
...anything of a self-serving nature. I have absolutely NO interest in your websites or other items designed toward helping you to sell anything...books or otherwise.
I will not review...
...anything of a political nature. Neither will I review anything that would be categorized as being non-fiction, no matter how engaging. Some people say "Keep it real"...but in MY case...don't.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey there, Ned!

         I just read your piece. I thought that it was very nicely written! I couldn't quite understand Cassie's deciding to commit suicide and die with their friends, when it would've made more sense for her to've invited them along, of course. Adding that conversation and having her suggestion denied would've added some interesting tension to the piece, in my opinion, and also made her choosing to stay a little easier to understand.

         In your second paragraph, you used the phrase: "Surely, if earth’s future was insecure, it was due to human activity". I would consider changing it to: "Surely, WE'D THOUGHT THAT if earth’s future was insecure, it WOULD BE due to human activity". Beyond that, it was an excellent piece! Good job!

Keep on Writing!
~ Giovannius ~
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
2
2
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, JJ Robinson II!

         Before I begin, allow me to state that any commentaries, positive or negative, are aimed at helping you to improve your work. No personal malice is intended in any way.

         I'll begin by saying that I liked your overall writing style a great deal. For the most part, everything you wrote was well-expressed. The only serious correction that I would make, grammatically, would be at the point in your piece when you wrote: "an ornament around his neck of polished, silver cylinders TIED together with leather thongs." in my opinion, I would've substituted the word "bound" for tied.

         Now, to another issue. As I read your story, I soon found that it was written about an era of centuries past, rather clearly medieval. I was going to recommend that you indicate the date at the beginning of your story to establish this fact. Then, although clearly set in some time period long-past, the storyline changed, and it became possible that we were in a different time entirely...but not.

         Your story then led us to the point where even the indications of our actually being in some kind of alternate future were turned on its head with the bizarre transformation of your boy's character into one that was surgically altered to add additional memories and faster-than-light vessels...indicating an extremely advanced culture, but somehow operating on a relatively primitive level, socially.

         It's my considered opinion that, while your writing skills aren't in question, you're trying to say and do "too many things at once." In the course of a few paragraphs you leapt from a medieval tavern to a culture that decorated itself with skins and feathers to an advanced space-borne civilization with social issues. At times it was VERY difficult to follow, and I found myself having to re-read passages. Simply put, you're hearing something in your head, but not effectively transferring it into the written word.

         Your story idea, from what I was able to gather, is an interesting one, but your expression of its details, interesting and well-written though they were, was confusing. I would suggest that you work more on establishing your medieval story-line, and then taking your protagonist out to met the can-collecting cult, and end your chapter there before moving on to the next, introducing your reader to the futuristic culture separately.

         Don't get me wrong, JJ, you're a very good writer. You simply need to work on your method of presentation more. One potentially strong technique might be naming your chapters...just to give your audience an idea of what's going on...for example...calling your first chapter something that establishes your initial setting and time period, like "Once Upon a Time"...establishing we might be back in what might be called "the Fairy Tale" era...following it with chapter two being called something like "In a Future Yet Unknown". That would let them know that the past they'd perceived was actually in an unknown future period.

         These are all merely suggestions for you to do with as you will. I hope that you found them in some way helpful.

Keep on Writing!
Giovannius,
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Giovannius
Rated: E | (4.5)

MUCH improved, Finder101! VERY much improved!

         By adding those previously deleted lines, it helps to bring the entire piece into better perspective! I would consider making two changes...but that's entirely up to you, of course.

         First off, I would remove the use of the term "trans". From my first re-through I thought that it took away from the "historical era" that existed when Woolworth's was still open. That's just my opinion, naturally...but when Woolworth's was still open, that whole "trans" issue didn't exist yet...at least in the eyes of the general public.

         Secondly, I would consider...just consider giving your piece something of a...tweak. It may bother you, since I know this poem is important to you...but it'll add a "hook" to the end of your story. That's always a good thing, because it'll come as a surprise to your potential readers.

         I personally think that you should have your protagonist not mention that he's at the Smithsonian in your opening line. I think that you should present it as if he thinks that he actually IS at the lunch counter of the Greensboro Woolworths...in his mind.

         I would change the "curator" to the "waitress" at the beginning of your third stanza, have her say her "But you 're not even a...person of color ..." she pleads quietly." line as if our protagonist is hearing the Woolworth's lunch-counter waitress ask him that question 'in his head' before he replies to her. After he says "I have legal rights. You cannot discriminate", SHE says something akin to "Sir, this is an expensive museum display, and visitors to the Smithsonian Institute aren't allowed to touch the displays". (aha! The audience suddenly realizes that this is all happening in his head!)

         That's when you continue your poem..."two uniformed men arrive, pick me effortlessly off the pink stool and escort me to the door."

         After that, you continue with your final stanza. After all of this has happened to him, our protagonist is outside of the museum, but in his mentally challenged mind, he still believes that he was just tossed outside of a Woolworth's without having been served. Just an opinion.

Keep on Writing!
~Giovannius
4
4
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)

Good Day, Finder101!

         I just read your insightful story, "The Last American Outcast". I found it to be an interesting take on the natures of both discrimination and bi-polarism, combined. I also happen to agree that bi-polar disorders are generally overlooked by people in general, so the thrust of your story is well understood. With that said, there was one line in your story that seemed completely disconnected with it:

"But you 're not even a...person of color ..." she pleads quietly.


         The curator's line implies that if our protagonist were a person of colour, he'd be served; which is certainly not the case. I believe that, if this line was meant as it was written, it's misleading, and if it was somehow "imagined" by our hero, as coming from someone else, that needs to be more clearly specified.

         As I said earlier...this piece is excellent. With that one little change I recommended, I think that it could be exceptional!

Keep on Writing!
Giovannius
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPowers Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey There, OctoPrepOnly InvisiDraghost!

         Quite the moniker you've got there, Old Sport! Did it come with it's own +4 zip code number? *Cool*

         I just read your short story "The missing muffin" and found it quite entertaining! It was like I could almost taste the devious pleasure that Jack must have as he ate that delicious, stolen muffin. I could actually see him in my mind as he leaned back in his computer chair and saw the smug, satisfied grin on his face. It was like I was there as he delighted in his triple victory over his mother, his sister, and the remaining crumbs of muffin he was swallowing! Masterfully written! There is only one change I would consider making.

         In your second sentence, you say "Lilly's footsteps pass my door, and once her door closes...." I would consider adding a phrase to it to make it more specific to where she was going as her footsteps passed...for example something akin to:"Lilly's footsteps pass my door AS SHE MAKES HER WAY BACK TO HER BEDROOM, and once her door closes...." The added clarity would make it easier for the reader to follow, with no need to have to think about it in the slightest. Just a suggestion. Beyond that, very nearly perfect! An outstanding story with wonderful execution!

Keep Up the Good Work!
Giovannius
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Good day, OOT,

I just read your poetic work "Monday Morning Blues". Apparently, the character in your piece and I have something in common, as far as our daily doses of caffeine are concerned!

That being said, I'm sorry, but your poem otherwise left me feeling uncomfortable. The meter was inconsistent throughout, so I had to keep re-reading lines or stanzas, sometimes repeatedly, to try to make sense of them. Your piece actually became difficult to read, bordering on unpleasant at times. The reason for this is...I'd become unconsciously aware of the errors earlier in the work, and part of my mind was "on the look-out" for more.

Your story idea is certainly a good one. What you need to concentrate on at this point is uts execution.

Keep on Writing,
Giovannius
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review of Mischief Training  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Good day, NeedingBeachDuf!

I just finished reading your delightful short story "Mischief Training". Overall, it was an outstanding piece! I found the concept and the execution to be very engaging. There are very few suggestions I would make to perfect it!

I wasn't as excited about your line "Watch for the women as their screams bring out the men." I might've said "Watch OUT for the women" or "BE CAREFUL AROUD women"...as their screams CAN bring out the men." but that's just me.

The only other thing I thought didn't work was your use of "Guantanamo" I think it ties in too directly with something a younger audience might not get. Beyond those points...fantastic!

Keep on Writing!
Giovannius
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPowers Reviewing Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of The Morlaffs  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good day, Don Two!

I just read your piece, "The Morlaffs" and I was very impressed! It was actually one of the best pieces that I've read in quite a while. High-quality stuff here! I found your use of that particular name for them most amusing in and of itself! Well done!

I specialize in grammatical and technical issues...but your piece was almost flawless! The only suggestion I would make is for you to consider changing the sentence "...the entire scientific establishment on Earth, and to Alpha Centauri and beyond." to "from Earth to Alpha Centuri and beyond!" Beyond that one change, I think that your concept and execution were virtually inspired! Keep up the great work!

Keep on Writing!
Giovannius
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPowers Reviewers Group


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of Memory Calls  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Good day, Beholden,

Overall, your piece was very good. There are simply some errors that you might want to consider correcting.

First off, one of the basic tenets of good writing is to put yourself in the place of your target audience. Most people find it easier to read stories the way that they think, so things phrased using terms like "had not" in your opening sentence, and throughout your piece should be changed to "hadn't". People think in conversational terms, and phrases like "had not" took me out of the story, since the "formality" of terms like "had not" made me stop reading...even for a moment...to "mentally digest and reword" the term in my head. Similarly, the words "was not" instead of "wasn't" The LAST thing that we, as authors, want to do is slow down our readers and remind them that they're reading. People think conversationally, so write more conversationally.

Another thing that you've done was use the name "Gaston" too frequently. You've already established that this piece is about Gaston, and the audience is well aware of that fact. Make more frequent use of the word "he", instead. Again...you're trying to tell a story, and your audience already knows who Gaston is.

Your third paragraph is too long, based on it's content. More explanation of details than your audience needs. I would consider changing it to something like:

"Southward, always southward he drove, almost to Lizard town itself. This, after all, was the purpose of his long drive along the coast, his search for better times and memories of the past. At long last the narrow track toward the west appeared. A weather beaten sign declared the track’s destination: Kynance Cove."

Beyond correcting any minor details like that, your piece was very engaging, and your surprise ending was completely unexpected. Well done!

Keep on Writing!
Giovannius
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
10
10
Review of Do You Believe?  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there, Stik's!

I think that your piece is very well written. It could very easily be used as the lyrics to a song! Everything flowed nicely, and the 'slighted lover's lament' of the person relaying your message is clear and palpable. There are just a few comments I'd like to make:

I believe that your 12th stanza, "Don't give all that bull. You don't know what you need. Listen to God's calling. Then to his call you will heed." seems out of place. While I can appreciate the sentiment and the message that you're trying to convey, I don't think it fits in a piece like this. When I read it, I found that it was a little off, as the introduction of theological concerns at this point takes away from the attitude of the speaker. The person is clearly more feeling more than a bit slighted and upset, and such religious concerns are not really in keeping with the attitude being expressed.

In stanza 14, you've written: "You make up your own rules. These rules may make you die. Don't you pull that trick. I can see right through your lie." You've used the word "may" where the word "might" would be grammatically correct. It's obviously a simple correct that doesn't change what you're trying to say.

These're just suggestions, of course. In spite of those minor problems, you've written a VERY good piece! Keep up the good work!

Keep on Writing!

~ Giovannius
Group Leader
WdC SuperPowers Reviewing Group
11
11
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)

Hey there, Dave!

I just read your short story "Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide". I thought it was an interesting enough piece, but there are a few rather serious corrections I'd like to suggest your making.

The most glaring point I'd like to make is the way you opened your piece. The first line of any literary work is supposed to 'grab' your audience and give them a reason to want to read more. Your opening sentence is non-existent.

Your quote by Coach Paterson doesn't give your reader a clue as to what's going on in the least. You need to open your piece with a powerful first sentence, or your reader will never bother to read any further. Yours gives the impression that they've walked into the middle of a story they haven't read yet. That's never a feeling that we want our readers to get. I would suggest reworking your opening to something along the lines of:

"As the entire class of boys made their way into the gymnasium of 'Phelps Academy', all their heads began to turn. They saw Jim Robertson standing there in his school uniform instead of the gym clothes they were all wearing. Coach Paterson didn't look particularly amused, himself, not that Jim had expected him to.

"Robertson??" Paterson said loudly, using his best 'angry coach's voice' "What are you doing in my gym class dressed like that? Where're your gym clothes?"

The entire class stood there, listening to the almost theatrical tone in the gym teacher's voice. Most of them had, at one point or other, been on the receiving end of a dressing down and, just as much as they dreaded being the target of one of these onslaughts, it was always entertaining when some other poor sod was the victim. The crimson-faced Jim Robertson appeared to be the transgressor on this occasion."

Another difficulty was that you neglected to use contractions where they could've been. Since this story's being told from Jim's perspective, he would be thinking "How could HE'VE forgotten there was a gym class today? HE'D been so excited when HE'D sneaked into his parents' bedroom that morning before getting dressed for school that IT'D completely slipped his mind."

Additionally, when I read that Jim was excited about sneaking into his parent's bedroom, I was clueless as to why he had and what he was so excited about. There was no need to point out the specifics of what he'd done...just a reason to explain why he was so glad about it in the first place. Something as simple as tagging it with "all Jim could do was hope that they'd never figure out that he'd been in there." That addition makes it seem like the reader will be finding out why later, but the way that you've presented it, it just makes the reader wonder whether or not they'd missed anything, since it comes completely out of the blue.

Your sudden surprise at the end of your short story was masterful! It was completely unexpected and made me want to read more! That was an excellent way to conclude this piece!

Keep on Writing!
~ Giovannius
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPowers Reviewers Group
12
12
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there, Ned Land! I'm a HUGE fan of "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea"!...and Jules Verne in general! I really like what you've posted here! One thing I found kinda funny was when Captain Nemo said "but I will not get on land"...since he certainly spends MORE than enough time 'getting on' NED Land's case throughout the entire yarn!

Keep on Writing!
~ Giovannius
Group Leader,
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
13
13
Review of Sorceress  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Good morning, Oracle!

I just read your poetic work, "Sorceress". I actually think that it was a very well-written piece, overall. As a person quite familiar with the poetic arts and having studied the 'magickal arts', myself, I found your description of 'sorcery' vs 'witchcraft' was quite insightful.

While I appreciate the wonderful descriptive abilities that you've utilized throughout, your last line doesn't seem to properly fit what you're trying to express. It actually confused me somewhat and seems to be disconnected from the rest of the piece. You might want to consider changing that last line to something akin to "BE NOT the fence sitter SITTING, waiting for the wind", or "ONLY the fence sitter sits waiting for the wind" or something similar to that. It's far better to tag a piece like this with a personal warning to the reader than to leave them confused.

Simply put, the final sentence of any piece is supposed to sum up what it is that you're trying to express throughout it. It should work to summarize your overall point to your reader, and, ideally, leave them satisfied with your piece, perhaps leaving them with something to think about, as a result of reading it. In my own case, I feel the opposite has been accomplished. I find yours to be confusing and leaves the reader wondering exactly what it is that you're trying to say.

Clearly, confusing your reader in the final line of any work is something that we, as writers, desperately fight to avoid. Beyond that simple, but crucial factor, "Sorceress" is truly a masterfully written piece of free-verse. Making that one single change will make it outstanding, overall.

Keep on Writing!
~ Giovannius
Group Leader, WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
14
14
Review of Cracks  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey there 'TheWriterEternal'!

I enjoyed your piece, 'Cracked' very much! I found it to be an excellent poem, overall, and it was quite engaging. I was able to personally experience and understand the depth of your protagonist's emotional turmoil and found myself mentally becoming that person, trapped in an empty world and in such pain and loneliness that they, themselves, are the only ones that they can talk to! A first-rate job! The only change I would consider making would be to pluralize the word "emotion" at the end of your first stanza. Otherwise, it is a very nearly perfect piece!

An excellent job!
Keep on Writing!

~ Giovannius
Group Leader
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
15
15
Review of Carved in Stone  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Good Afternoon, Archer!

I found your piece, 'Carved in Stone' to be an interesting one. It was a very nice journey into the mind of an 'archeological explorer' who's also driven by the goal of personally profiting from the historical artifacts that he seeks. The only errors that I would point out would be considered technical.

In your third paragraph, you say 'from dodging BUS saws, and I believe that your intention was to say 'from dodging BUZZ saws.'

Similarly, in paragraph four, I would consider adding a paragraph break between 'Where would I be without Parker' and 'Anyway, back to me.' It indicates a change in the focus of your story, and deserves a paragraph of its own.

Your choice to use a hologram in your final paragraph was an interesting one. As effective holograms don't truly exist at this point, unless your story has been established as taking place at some point in the future (which it hasn't in the context presented) I would consider adding something doing so at the beginning of the story (even if it's only going so far as to include the date preceding the story.)

Owing to a few misspellings and paragraph separation difficulties, I'm giving your story three and a half stars...but with a tad of work, it will be far better.

Keep on Writing!
~ Giovannius
WdC SuperPower Reviewing Group
16
16
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good Morning, Adda!

I found your piece, 'LOVE: AN ILLUSION' to be very well-written. In a lot of ways, it almost resembles a lecture that you're giving on the nature of love, itelf. Informative but unemotional in its own way, despite the fact that it's a strong explanation of an emotional state of being.

The only suggestion that I would make is purely technical. It would be that you use a larger font the next time you post something and add breaks to make it easier for your audience here to read. Double spacing would help in that regard as well.

Having written a piece called 'What is this Thing that They Call Love?'(2288123), myself, I think that you might enjoy a piece that covers the same basic topic, seen from a more 'poetic' perspective.

Keep on Writing!
~ Giovannius
WdC Superpower Reviewers Group
17
17
Review of Haunting Water  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good Morning, Navid!

I read your first chapter, Impulses, and I was very impressed. The style of your writing was, as I said, impressive, and the images that you conveyed were quite wonderful! A live-aboard yachtsman, myself, I found your allusions quite well-formulated. Your comparison of memories and emotions to the characteristics of the timelessness of the sea were both palpable and in their own way quite compelling.

As an author known for writing from what might be described as a 'first-person nautical perspective', though of a different variety, I was easily drawn into the examples you were making and the nature of their meanings when applied to the human condition and how it affects the thought-processes of your protagonist.

Richard's first-person perspective creates the sense of your protagonist speaking directly to the reader, which, as I said, is a format that I try to use, myself. I could actually see this as a case of Richard explaining his story to an open audience, as explaining who he is to a large group of listeners in general, all of whom are listening to his thoughts, rather than being told his story face-to-face. Even so, it doesn't create any kind of a 'self-important' aura, but rather presents it more as a story that he's telling himself, but knowingly let a group of strangers in to share his thoughts.

This is the kind of story I particularly enjoy reading, in that I'm hearing Richard's thoughts, and being included in his life because he's allowing me to hear them as part of a crowd, but doesn't particularly care whether I do or not. It's almost like he's giving a 'mental lecture' on the nature of 'Richard-ness', addressing the reader as a part of the group, rather than individually.

It's a successful combination of the styles used in both 'The Rime of the Ancient Mariner' and 'The Incredible Shrinking Man'. Richard is talking to an audience whom he knows is listening, secure in the knowledge that his story has compelled them to, but not caring whether or not they do. He knows that his thoughts are important, and they need to understand them if they want to understand him...and they actually want to.

The only recommendation that I would make is that you put the rest of your work in a larger font and break it into paragraphs, so-as to make it less of a chore to follow. I would also double-space it for the same reason.

Overall, "Impulses" is a very powerful piece. It was well-written, as I've said, your style was impressive, and the images that you created were excellent! It actually drew me in and made me want to hear the entire story. I look forward to hearing the rest of it!

Keep on Writing!
~ Giovannius
WdC Superpower Reviewers Group
18
18
Review of What is True  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This piece was masterfully written, Howard.Kelle. Having been married to an addict, I was able to completely relate to everything that you said, and every point that you expressed. You made the angst that an addict finds themselves forced to deal with on a daily basis palpable, and sagely expressed the remorse that comes with taking that first step and acknowledging that the problem exists in the first place. The fact that one is never actually cured of their addiction eludes the vast majority of people, and you made the haunting, continual, life-long presence of the object of the protagonist's addiction a clear and obvious one.

Your character's expression of remorse, and their quest for forgiveness from those who their disease has forced them to hurt and alienate can easily be felt. Their having achieved a new sense of control in their life...tenuous as that control may be...has been well-expressed; and the justifiable self-loathing that your protagonist is experiencing can almost be genuinely experienced by the reader. This entire piece was very well written...and I thank you very much for allowing us to join you on this unexpected journey into the depths of the mind of a person who is bravely facing the demons who reside deeply within themselves...after having bravely found the courage to face them in the first place. A first rate job!

Keep on Writing!
~ Giovannius
19
19
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Kimberly! I read your piece, and I found it very engaging. It was, for the most part, clear and concise, and had very nice flow. Your story never lost my attention...which is the goal of any serious writer. There are only a few changes that I'd recommend. My suggestions are underlined:

1. In your first paragraph, you'd written "He said, "Kimberly, you are my little sister. My father is Jeanty Bien-Aime, and my mother is Rose-Manie Dorvil. Isn't it?" I think that your manner of phrasing is off. A brother unknown to Kimberly wouldn't use that first line to explain their relationship. She needs a little 'prep work' before she hears it...or she's just going to stop listening to anything else after she receives that undoubtedly shocking information. He would be likelier to say something closer to "Kimberly, MY father's name was Jeanty Bien-Aime, and my mother's was Rose-Manie Dorvil." he continued with a serious look on his face, his eyes never leaving my own, "Kimberly, you're my little sister."

2. You should insert a paragraph break at this point, since you're changing focal points in the plot.

3. "Wake up" should be changed to "Waking up"

4. "But you know the law of the dream." would sound better if you put it in quotation marks and changed it to but you know the 'Law of Dreaming'.

5. "I was like crazy running back into the house" is confusing, at best. I would suggest re-writing it, changing it to something like: "I felt like I'd gone crazy and started running back into the house"

Beyond those five items, the rest of your piece is very good, and with these changes, you can make it even better.

Keep on writing! ~ Giovannius
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Review of In the Night  
Review by Giovannius
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I found your story to be quite interesting, Jacklyn. You managed to create an aura of darkness in a darkened world. There were really only a couple of technical issues. In your second paragraph you established that the young daughter's name was "Vanessa", but in the third she was referred to by her mother as "Cindy".

I'm going to assume that in your second line, "The child lay in the bed, a small black "bear clenched tightly within the child's arms", the quotation mark between black and bear was just a typo.

As far as grammar goes...I would consider changing the line "She curled up into a ball on what she assumed to be the floor on which she stood." to "She curled up into a ball on what she assumed to be the floor on which SHE'D stood."

I would also consider changing "as if gravity never had existed." to "as if gravity HAD NEVER existed." It would have better flow, and it would be more easily understood by the reader.

Beyond those few minor points, your story was very well written. ~ Giovannius.
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Review by Giovannius
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, KD. I found your story to be interesting, but there were a few times when it lost my attention, which isn't something that any author wants to happen to his readers. There're also a few grammatical corrections that you might want to make....

“If you come home, I’ll tell you,” his voice teased. “Your Papi wishes to continue his story. As do I and my brothers. We all have something to add, including Conrad and Benjamin.” is clumsy, as the tone of this sentence should appear to be something more conversational. I would consider changing this to something like "there's a lot we've all got to talk about."

In the line “In my day, the trolley would drop you off where my Cadillac is parked now.” should be changed to something akin to "where I parked the car.". Adrian already knows that his uncle drives a Cadillac, so he wouldn't be using it in this sentence. Even if his uncle owns more than one car, the make of the car isn't relevant to their conversation in this context. If the make of the car is necessary to the story, you could change the opening sentence of the final chapter to "I settled into the leather seat of his (model of Cadillac), as Uncle Theodore slipped into the driver’s side."

As writers, we need to bear in mind that there are things that the reader simply doesn't need to know, and one of them is Papi's victrola and the story behind it. I would consider deleting everything from "Papi also liked to play his old Victrola phonograph player." to "and I will listen to it until the day I die.” I would just rework the next paragraph to imply that he liked older music.

The same could be said about everything from "As the footsteps neared," to "For five decades he smoked like a chimney." Uncle Theodore's history with tobacco is irrelevant to the story at this point, and takes the reader out of the here-and-now.

Also, in Uncle Theodore's lines that begin with “Well,” he sighed. “Our story could start...." and ends with "That was the day our lives officially changed.” is fine, but you should add a few non-conversational descriptors, like "he said"..."he went on"... ...something to give the reader a place to 'intellectually catch their breath'.

Beyond all of that, your piece is fairly well written, and with a few changes, can become a good bit better. Still...as Stephen King once said..."I know that revising a story down to the bare essentials is always a little like murdering children, but it must be done."

Keep on writing! ~ Giovannius
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Review by Giovannius
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good morning, Mabuhay!

I found your piece "My Room with a View" to be very interesting. It was very easy for me to see myself in the room and the apartment that you were describing, almost as if we were sitting there together discussing where we were and what you'd gone through in your life that'd led you there. It was quite an enjoyable read, to be sure! Thank you for letting me into your world and sharing your opinions on it with me!

The only difficulty that I saw was one minor technical issue in phrasing. I would consider changing the line "When full moon it's more lovely when night starts." to "When the moon is full it's more lovely when the night begins". Beyond that one minor difficulty, I believe that you wrote an excellent piece, overall!

KEEP ON WRITING!
Giovannius
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Review by Giovannius
Rated: E | (5.0)
Mabuhay, your words are very clear and your piece is very well-written. It's like a beautiful, introspective look at the individual universe that helps to make you who you are. It's almost like a confession to yourself that you've chosen to share with the world.

You've clearly and concisely chosen to let the reader into the private world that defines who you are. "Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow" was a very moving piece that helps to exemplify a view of the universe that makes you the special person who you are...and who many people might envy in some ways.

Your love of your family, of God and of the world that makes up what "Mabuhay" is all about was a refreshing view into the mind and soul of a woman who can be proud of all the things that make her who she is.

This is an excellent piece of which you can be very proud. Thank you for sharing it with the world, in general, and me in particular!
KEEP WRITING!
Giovannius
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Review by Giovannius
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Well, Thankful Sonali WDC Power!...where do I begin? Having just read through your piece, 'One for the Wrap' - or 'One for the Make Up', all I can do is say...well...WOW! I'm not sure what your intended goal was when you were writing it, but the entire piece comes off like it was a 'bitch-session' from a whiny spoiled brat who thinks less of 'Mr. Man' than any other life form on the planet for committing the God-awful sin of making her do her JOB. She comes across as a bitter woman of indeterminate age who hasn't quite gotten used to the fact that this is the nature of her...dare I say it again...JOB! Female models aren't any less egomaniacal as MALE models.

If you wanted to open with 'MALE MODELS are pathetic'...or, better yet, 'MALE MODELS ARE NO LESS PATHETIC THAN FEMALE MODELS' or, better yet, "Female Models aren't the ONLY pathetic ones" it might've worked better...or at least it might've worked a LITTLE better. In the end, your protagonist comes across like a self-important sexist bitch having a hissy-fit. She was vicious, hateful, overly sarcastic, and conjures up a mental image of a 28-30 year-old year old lesbian with PMS.

I'm not just some "pathetic MAN", btw...I write ROMANCE NOVELS, so I have SOME idea about what I'm talking about. I don't know who your intended audience was, but I hope they enjoyed it better than I did. I'm sorry if this review comes off as offensive, but I assumed that you wanted an honest review.
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Review of A Life's Story  
Review by Giovannius
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Ki Kun (1)! I just read your poem "A Life's Story". I thought that it was a very well written "poetic lament" that very clearly expressed the internal struggle that the protagonist was/is experiencing. Its direction at some form of "Supreme Being", without specifying one was quite well done! The only error I'd point out would be that in line 7 you said "That WHAT makes me incompetent"...where I would've said "That WHICH makes me incompetent". Otherwise, a first-rate job! Keep up the good work!

Feel free to review my OWN recent work...https://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/228... are always welcome!
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