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17 Public Reviews Given
17 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Shaima (2),

You have a point, and you made it.

Now if you can only figure out a solution.
Thanks
2
2
Review of The Book Rule  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing this. Believe it or not, I had such a Band-Aid box. My older brother, 5 years my senior, and I had been sent to the local "5 and 10" cent store to get some small item. While in the store we were distracted by this marvelous Band-Aid box first aid kit. It was a dull red and white and had military planes on the lid. Buying it was the patriotic thing to do, and, of course everyone should have a first aid kit, right. We did not have enough money for it, but the clerk let us owe (him or her, can't remember) for the rest.

As you might imagine, my mother was furious at us but even more at the clerk who let us take something without the money to pay for it. Money was obviously hard to come by during WWII with my father away in the Pacific. She shared her views vigorously with the clerk when she made us take her back to the store. On the upside, we kept the Band-Aid box. A few years before my mother died I reminded her of those days and, surprisingly, she still had it and gave it to me. I have it still.

I enjoyed your memories, which spurred my own.
Thanks
3
3
Rated: E | (4.0)
Once upon a time there was a single cell, which began to divide. Quickly it doubled again and again until, in the dark recesses of a subteranean cavity a sound was heard. A clicking, as of claws, echoed from rock walls and a tiny cough momentarily purged the surrounding shadows. A humid mist surrounded a bulky form and from behind the dragging rumble, like a log bouncing along the rocky floor. Everyday, for days on end, the sounds grew less faint, more clear as the creature came ever near. One day, a glow began to hint at the cavern's end and he grew impatient as the light became more bright. At last he lumbered into sight. The view was brilliant, filled with light, and space and magical sense of sight, as golden beams of sun rebound from jewel-like flowers and verdant ground.

Entranced by beauty all around the creature breathed in air so pure that, even though his bellowed lungs were filled with smoke, he felt cleansed and belched a small smoke ring that rose until it could be seen above the glade. Because of that, a sudden flutter of a hundred tiny wings, air bound, drew his attention from the ground. As his lidded eyes cast up he saw the fliers grouped in units, military garbed their armor flashing, swords in hand they awaited slashing. He, the newly hatched one drew a breath and unknowing opened wide a mouth so vicious that it daunted all and sundry, but instead of fire and lashing talons he smiled which released the heavy tension and the Queen, with guard attended, welcomed dragon if his intention was as friend and not destruction.

The new-hatched one was truly awesome in his own right, and ancient wisdom held in his lineage told him of the debt he owed the fairy folk from ages past and bending scaled leg he bowed and fealty he vowed. The Queen accepted his obeisance and forged a bond, with fay-magic amended by the dragons power, and so ascended to her bower.

The dragon, even though newly made, held ancient knowledge and was content to dwell here in the magic glade until finally, eons hence, he turned to prince and Queen he wed, to sire a new age of wondrous beings to rule the then-world and thus begins the last age of magic.
4
4
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Dave,

Now here is a work with some teeth in it. Somehow the subject of death has a universal appeal, perhaps appeal is not the right word.

I was not familiar with the Cornish Sonnet an its construction. A rather demanding form, it seems to me.

I liked this. A couple of thoughts occurred to me in reading it over a few times. I will share them and make of them what you will.

Because of the subject matter I thought perhaps rather then "descend," the fog might enshroud the creek (A murky fog enshrouds the creek.)

Great work,
Thanks
5
5
Rated: E | (3.0)
Wow, what do you really feel? Kidding. Some really strong emotions here, and they revolve around something that holds mans' core up to the light...and it is not very pretty. Fortunately, that is not the only thing held in universal mans' soul.

I feel like I am in Orwell's "1984" just about every time I turn on the news from Washington, but hey, that's just me.

This did make me feel, and that's the point.
Thanks for sharing
6
6
Review of 'Communis  
Rated: E | (2.5)
There are some good thoughts here and several nice word choices but I feel that you need to check for errors. In stanza four, line one I think you meant "at" rather than "an" and did you mean to say "much more deeper" rather than just "deeper" or "much deeper"?

I like your descriptive language in "peel back the layers of uncertainty" and "gratitude in obscene amounts." You have the potential of a good poem her, I think, but I would like to see you try something.

Look at it without ownership and underline only the important words, leave out all the rest. Then place just the underlined parts in poem form and see what that looks like. How does it look on the page, sound when read aloud and does it retain the core of your meaning?

Then work with those kernels of emotion/thought and see where it takes you.

Just a thought.

Keep on writing poetic thought.
7
7
Rated: E | (3.0)
Serious subject matter here.

See if you can tighten it up a bit. Do you need the "you" in line 2? I think "But don't ask how the monster was made" works better for me. Similarly, in stanza 5, line 2, I think it reads stronger without the "you." The line refers to generic "people prophesy" so I think changing to "you" weakens the thought.

One other thought. It seems to me that "hell to pay" is overused. Perhaps you could find a more original way to express the same thought.

I like how you tied the beginning and ending together with the "monster" image.

Thanks for the read.
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