Mandy's (gobbledock) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

635 Public Reviews Given

655 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I give constructive criticism, but always in a positive and encouraging manner. I'm honest and give advice for improvement where warranted, but I don't have any interest in shredding another writer's work. I will always do my best to focus on the areas that need attention. I like to give my interpretation of a piece (when applying to poetry) and enjoy giving a review that is both helpful and leaves the reader feeling positive about his or her work. On occasion, I will suggest rewording -- particularly in poetry -- and if you don't prefer this, you should advise me when submitting a request. I will always give the best quality review that I'm capable of, in content and presentation.

I'm good at...

My first passion is poetry, but I like all types and genres of writing and dabble in them all. I like poetry with depth and enjoy interpreting it and recognising artful use of convention. I'm good at finding the weak points in a poem and suggesting alternatives to strengthen them.

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Romance/Love, Dark, and Comedy. These are my favourite, but I enjoy anything that makes me want to read on. Therefore, no genre is out of bounds.

Least Favorite Genres

Okay, if my arm is being twisted and I have to choose ... War and Spiritual. Both genres I find the least interesting, but I'm still open to reviewing them and will critique them fairly.

Favorite Item Types

Poetry and Short Stories

Least Favorite Item Types

Blogs and chapters. I don't hate them, they are just my least favourite.

I will not review...

I will review any genre or type with any content rating, providing it has a word count that doesn't exceed 3,000 words. Honestly, I prefer to review poetry.

1

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#4347500

Review of Innocent Mistake

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings Sara

My thoughts on:

Innocent Mistake

(E)
True story for Comedy story contest 450 words
#1996626 by Sara

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Hello there, this is a great little story, and it was made more interesting because it's a true story. I like that it's coming from your own point of view. You've done a good job with the delivery, and because this piece is well edited, it's a pleasure to read. I found it easy to simply get lost in the tale because I wasn't distracted by poor grammar and punctuation.

There is humour in the events that occur at the Grange. It's all about secret business, secret handshakes, and even more secret preferences, depending on who you ask!

I did have a clear image of the cheeky elderly man receiving his kiss on the cheek. The humour comes with his reaction and the way the news of something wondrous spreads like wildfire.

I guess that kiss was the universal remote of passwords. Another aspect that I enjoyed about your story was how you explained about the Grange and why it was formed in the first place. The mood of this piece is nice, and it left me feeling good after reading. Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4346024

Review of Capturing Mother's Colors

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings Alan Davies

My thoughts on:

STATIC

Capturing Mother's Colors

(E)
Verdant Poetry Contest Entry
#2003859 by Alan Davies

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Hi there, the title of this poem attracted me, and I can see that it was a contest entry. I hope you had some success. I would normally suggest that the content of a poem is less distracting when it's in simple black text. I still believe this, but your coloured lines look so pretty and bright, and they certainly match the subject. Presentation is a matter of personal preference anyway.

There doesn't seem to be a a set meter, but you have maintained consistent rhyming couplets throughout. The flow and pace are good, and the strength of this piece is the imagery created: fields of wildflowers, beautiful colours, and the easel and paints.

My favourite part is the final verse. I like the idea of our loved ones still being with us after they pass. I was just wondering about your use of the word "peddle." Did you mean "petal," as in the flower? You have used quite a bit of literal language throughout, and I think the use of convention would elevate your piece to a higher level.

Other than that, this is an emotion-based poem that is well crafted. Thank you so much for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4346013

Review of Love Beyond The Lust

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings rl

My thoughts on:

Love Beyond The Lust

(E)
We each must create our love
#2119220 by rl

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Hello there, this poem has some interesting elements, and I did enjoy the concept. The narrator seems to be wondering if there is such a thing as selfless love. I think there are all kinds of love -- some better than others -- but selfless love is rare, if it even exists. However, I think real love will outlast the lust and greed. The end of your poem seems to be describing the fact that we are all small in contrast to the universe, who is a neutral guardian.

The poem appears to be a free verse, and it doesn't have any set rhyme scheme, but there is rhyme and repetition of sound throughout that doesn't announce itself but adds to the flow. I do find that you seem to have a lot of ideas swirling around, and the clarity is compromised somewhat because of this. I think your lines and ideas need to breathe a little, so your meaning is clearer and less congested. Also, punctuation may help with this.

Overall, nice poem that would be even better with some revision. I would simply open it up a bit -- it's a free verse so you have plenty of freedom.

Thanks for sharing.

Regards,
Mandy

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#4346012

Review of The Tire Change.

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings Ironworker

My thoughts on:

STATIC

The Tire Change.

(18+)
A woman and child are closer to trouble than they realize. Inspired by a contest prompt.
#2117846 by Ironworker

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Hey there, I think this short story has potential with a little revision and polishing. I like the idea, and you could build the suspense a bit more with extra interaction, description between your narrator and the mysterious man/men that help her in the night. You have taken the story to a conclusion, and I think your ending was interesting, but I'm not sure why the father decided that she was able to go. I think my question would be: who isn't considered "decent folk?" Are they hunting a certain kind of person or people, because if they are willing to kill, why would they differentiate between this woman and another? I do like that final line though, describing how the tyre had become flat in the first place.

I think a good starting place for this story is checking your grammar and punctuation in a word programme. If you copy and paste in a word document, you'd be surprised how many things will be corrected for you right away. This makes your piece more readable and enjoyable. Just check your consistency with tenses, too. Try showing your story over telling. With your genre, more of an active voice will make your story more exciting and in the moment. An example would be in the following: "Her concerns grew to anxiety" could be "Danielle's chest tightened." Instead of telling your reader what happened you can show with action.

Overall, a great start to a short story. Good luck with your writing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4344712

Review of Black Cat

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings The Ink Maiden~

My thoughts on:

Black Cat

(E)
Why are we known as bad omens?
#2124129 by The Ink Maiden~

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Hey there! I had to check out your poem. It just so happens that my black cat is asleep on my lap (poetry everywhere) at the moment.

This is a cute little poem, and I think it would work well as a children's poem. That may have been your intention when writing it. If so, I would suggest adding "childrens" to your genre listing. You have no set structure in your meter, but the rhyme scheme is fairly consistent excepting for that one thorn line that is also a question.

Your subject line gave me the impression that this piece may have been written from the cat's point of view, and that's something you might consider if you choose to adapt what you have started. The second half is already written in this style, but the first half if told by the narrator. The superstitions about black cats are silly, but just as many people think black cats are lucky. I guess it depends on who you ask.

Your use of language in this particular poem would also appeal to a younger audience. Your use of punctuation isn't really consistent, so you might consider going back over your poem and thinking about where you would naturally pause if reading the poem yourself -- this is where you could add a comma or full stop, for example.

Overall, a good start with a lot of potential. Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4344702

Review of Her Eyes

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings Paul

My thoughts on:

Her Eyes

(E)
A poem I wrote watching my wife of 45 years take a year to die.
#2130040 by Paul

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Hi Paul, I always enjoy an emotion-based poem, and your subject line and title attracted my attention. This piece is very personal, and I don't think I want to critique it on a technical level because of the subject matter. I believe when a poem is written about a person who has passed or is terminally ill, the writer is looking for an emotional release or a connection with others to share those feelings.

I enjoyed the honesty in every line and the way you express so much about you, your wife, the life you shared together, and what both of you experienced during her illness. It is hard to watch a loved one get sicker, and it's made more difficult when you have no control over the situation. I'm sure dementia is a scary thing to deal with, both for the person suffering and the loved ones that have to watch the deterioration.

The flow of your free verse poem is quite good and you have some nice touches of rhyme throughout. I enjoyed it, and I'm sure this poem was therapeutic for you.

Best of luck to you, and keep writing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4343478

Review of Unforgotten

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings B.R Cuellar

My thoughts on:

Unforgotten

(E)
Could darkness cloud your state of mind? Or lift you from the ground to the stars?
#2117654 by B.R Cuellar

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Hey there, even though your title does stand out, I think it would be better if it hinted at your theme. What attracted me to read this piece initially was the mystery genre and not the title. However, this is really interesting and has some nice use of figurative language with sound repetition and rhyme in a free verse. The piece flows well and isn't awkward to read due to rhythm, however I did struggle a bit with the content and your general idea behind the poem. The subject line is also a little bit confusing -- and didn't really direct me to the point. However, poetry is often a little bit cryptic, and I like that. I enjoy interpreting and drawing my own conclusion.

For me, this poem speaks about love lost through loss of life, and it seems like the narrator is talking to a loved one who is surrounding him or her in spirit. I like this: "And I can warm your cheeks with childish red/You're my own as I am yours/Keep me forever and I will keep you safe from gores" but I think the last word doesn't quite gel with your theme -- it feels like it is a bit forced to match with the previous rhyme. I think this is a good first copy of a free verse, and with a little revising it could be something special. My main suggestion would be to look at those end words for each line and try and make them more natural. Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4343431

Review of The Mystery of Bo's Obsession

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings Jeannie Cheering for Martel

My thoughts on:

STATIC

The Mystery of Bo's Obsession

(E)
Bo dug up a gun, a metal box with cash. Where will he dig next?
#2095506 by Jeannie Cheering for Martel

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Hello Jeannie, I was digging around and happened upon this little mystery. You did well with the introduction and prompt provided, and I was interested to follow Bo's trail as he dug up clues all over town. There are quite a few characters in this short story, and I think the two that stand out are Bo and Detective Hall. What's great about this story is the layout and grammar/punctuation use -- it really made reading a pleasure.

There is a clearly defined plot and all is revealed by the end of the story, with no unanswered questions. Although, I have to admit, some of those body parts may have been better left in the ground.

It was nothing too gruesome, though. You keep the story flowing with action, dialogue, and concise phrases, and this made it easy for me to stay in the moment. There were a couple of minor grammar issues that I couldn't spot on second -- tired -- reading, but another read through would probably reveal them.

There is this: "and Marty body hit the floor wearing a shocked expression." I think you meant "Marty's" body, and the wording seems wrong because it sounds like the body has a shocked expression. It looks like Todd has been doing some accessorising, but I guess he had his reasons.

My favourite element of this story is the dialogue and your use of speech tags. You mix up the delivery, and this area is a highlight for me. Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4343406

Review of Blue Coma

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (3.5)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings myles

My thoughts on:

Blue Coma

(E)
solve the mystery before the last line ....
#2091543 by myles

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Greetings, and good job on your short story. You've definitely written a mystery, and I didn't guess the conclusion before the last line

I didn't really try to; I just wanted to cruise along and be surprised at the end. Writing a mystery isn't easy, and it's hard to keep a reader interested and out of the loop at the same time.

The things that distracted me the most while reading was the chunky formatting (lack of paragraphs) that can make reading tedious, and the repetition of the same thought chain in the beginning. I know that is the general drift of your story, but I think you could make some of those sentences/thoughts more succinct and create more impact while moving the story along. Often there are a lot of unnecessary words that slow the pace and can lose a reader. My suggestion would be to revise your piece and break it up into paragraphs for ease of reading, try to strengthen your use of vocabulary, and edit for grammar, punctuation. If you haven't already, it's a good idea to write your story or edit it in a word program. That will do a lot of the work for you.

I have to admit, I don't read a lot of mystery. You had the two obvious and implied outcomes, but the third was much more creative. I think your story needs some fine tuning and a more succinct delivery, but it has lots of potential. Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4343400

Review of The Man in Birmingham

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Game of Thrones Review

Greetings Linger

My thoughts on:

The Man in Birmingham

(E)
-Poetry- Selling your soul for fortune and fame
#2123395 by Linger

You are being reviewed as a part of "Game of Thrones"

activity.

Greetings, I enjoyed your age-old tale about temptation and resisting the darkness of the devil! Your poem is a sequence of rhyming couplets that are for the most part perfect, but there were some areas that seemed awkward because of a forced rhyme, etc. At times I felt like the rhymes were there because they fit, not because they were the best choices. I like the story and I was compelled to read through the entire poem to see what the narrator was going to get or if he would meet a sticky end. This is a tale in poetry form, and it is mostly literal -- I would only suggest experimenting with a little more figurative language to add some more intense imagery to the scene. Adding a simile or a metaphor to the "man" in Birmingham, for example, makes him and your poem more memorable.

Punctuation is a thing of choice, but if you're using a certain style I think it always works best if you keep it consistent throughout. It seems like there are periods in some of the logical places but not in others. If you read back over your poem, you may see where you can add or take away punctuation to make it more consistent. Other than that, I think you did a great job, and the rhythm is quite good.

The following lines are my favourite: "I'll lay the world at your feet." He exclaimed with glee/ "But boy, you gotta understand. . . Nothing's free!" This is the core idea, and it also gives character with the dialogue. Thanks for sharing your writing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4063098

Review of This is My Title? Help Me, Please!

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Muse Masters Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Micro Review

The opinions contained in this review are only those of one person. Take what you can use, but don't be shy about discarding what you cannot.

Greetings Jakrebs

Musings on:

This is My Title? Help Me, Please!

(13+)
Hey, you with the face, read me.
#1899557 by Jakrebs

Hey there! This is a very unusual poem, but knowing what I know about your style of writing, I'm not surprised. I did enjoy reading the tirade of a confrontational poem who is less than pleased with his creator's penmanship. The "poem" is somewhat obnoxious and impatient, and he won't be denied in his quest to be made over.

I think your poem is clever and unique, so you deserve points for your creativity and flair. I particularly like this: "I mean I have no style, no imagery, not one single metaphor, / but here's a metaphor for you;" I really like this introduction and the metaphor it leads in to. I do have a suggestion, however. I don't think you need to announce the metaphor. "but here's a metaphor for you" could be removed, and you would give a nod to your reader without having to spell out the fact that you're about to use a metaphor. That, in itself, is clever. Why not maintain the theme you've already set?

The first-person narrative is gold, and I love the grumpy and assertive poem that is trying to lasso a new writer. Your use of punctuation is great. I love the subject, the sarcastic tone, and the mood.

All in all, a wonderful and unusual piece. Thank you so much for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4063095

Review of Nothing Has Changed

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Muse Masters Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Micro Review

The opinions contained in this review are only those of one person. Take what you can use, but don't be shy about discarding what you cannot.

Greetings Red

Musings on:

Nothing Has Changed

(E)
A really short free verse poem about how somethings never change...
#1733552 by Red

Hi Red! Thank you for your excellent entry; I thoroughly enjoyed it. This poem makes a great case for word economy. What powers its excellence is the emotional depth and that honest delivery of a feeling. I can almost feel the narrator's love in each word, and you've given me so much life in a few lines.

What I like most is how you take the old idea that "the best things in life are free" and marry it with the simplicity of a lifestyle. You're showing how all of these mundane realities are not perfect or fancy, but they are as real as the love that exists in the narrator's heart.

The message: I have my faults/idiosyncrasies, but "I love you." I have no suggestions for improvements on this piece, and you prove that poetry is -- at its core -- about a real emotion being expressed. Well done, and thank you so much for sharing.

Keep creating!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4063093

Review of Eventide Reflection

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Muse Masters Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Micro Review

The opinions contained in this review are only those of one person. Take what you can use, but don't be shy about discarding what you cannot.

Greetings Dave

Musings on:

STATIC

Eventide Reflection

(E)
in an Epistle poem.
#2013362 by Dave

Hi Dave! I really enjoyed this poem. The narrator is lamenting the loss of what is most likely a life partner, and you've done so well with the mood and matching that to the subject of your poem. This is a sweet form, and you've perfected it with natural end rhyme and consistent tetrameter.

You've managed to incorporate many enriching conventions in a small space, and the visual representation of the narrator's loneliness is quite vivid. There is much to like about this piece, but my favourite stanza is the third and final. It's the point where all becomes clear, and it adds a wistful note to the completion of a well-rounded poem. Great job!

Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

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#4056087

Review of How Did I Get Here?

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Lindsay Hodge

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi Lindsay! Thank you for your entry to the contest. What a great choice of poem to pay tribute to, and I think you did a great job of sharing that theme with Frost.

Told in first person, the narrator is describing the journey and all its bumps while standing at the destination point. The tone is one of satisfaction, and you send the message that despite everything, the road traveled was the best, even if not always easy. You have a solid foundation here, and I enjoyed this piece.

CONVENTION:

You've crafted a great free verse, and your use of punctuation sets a nice pause and flow throughout. I think this is one of the biggest hurdles with free verse, and you seem to have the ability to dictate a pace for your reader.

As I mentioned above, you have a great skeleton, but I do believe you could hang a little more flesh on its bones and elevate the quality and impact. You use a lot of literal statements, and I think you could make the experience deeper with some figurative language. You do have a touch, but the imagery is literal also. As you mention in your subject line, this is "A po-jacking of Robert Frosts The Path Not Taken," and I think its okay to play this angle up even more. When you add the convention of allusion to a poem in a more solid way, you're giving a wink to your reader, and it adds imagery all by itself. It's not a cheat, and I'll describe how you might do this below. Otherwise, great job on the structure.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I've highlighted a section of your poem below with my suggestion for adding in some Frost -- and some allusion.

"I look back.
I see paths—
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,"
[the] choices that brought me here."

The particular line I borrowed from Frost's poem is very well recognized, and you have a good chance of making a connection with a reader. It adds weight to your tribute, and I think it blends well at this point in your poem. It is in quotations, but you can also footnote it at the bottom of your poem. My other suggestion would be to use capitals only where grammatically correct, not necessarily at the beginning of every line. This is a style thing, so please disregard it if you're happy with your current style.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"I look back.
I see paths,"

This is a great example of where you have inserted a touch of metaphor, naming choices paths. Great job.

Thank you for sharing! Good luck with your poetry writing.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

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#4056081

Review of What Might Have Been

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Bob retired

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hey Bob! Thank you for your entry to the contest. I think most would read this poem and understand the narrator's sense of loss. It's not so much a loss of an object or person, it's more a loss of opportunities that won't come around again. The tone of this poem is sad for me, because I can understand the feeling of not making the most of chances squandered. What I do like is the positive conclusion in the narrator's mind: live for the day and make the most of the here and now. That's great advice, and as long as we're still alive, we still have opportunities. Nice one, Bob.

CONVENTION:

You are no doubt a fan of traditional, rhyming style poetry, and you do it well. Your poetry reminds me of formal bush poetry and the masters that delivered it. There is a strength of voice that is often lacking in some poetry. You have that honesty that translates so well in whatever theme you choose to describe. In a poem of quatrains, you have great end-rhymes that never feel forced. Your syllable count varies from one line to the next, and I would only suggest returning to your poems to see if you can improve the rhythm with a tweak here and there. You have some lovely quatrains throughout with great flow. I will mention one of these in my favourite lines. You incorporate some great literal imagery, and I particularly like the metaphor for the later years of life in: "But what’s the use of worry now, /the shades are almost drawn." It likens life to a stage, and the narrator is in the later acts. What I like most is how you weave these touches of figurative language in naturally.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Who knows what joy is still to come,
what friends I’ve yet to meet,
what gifts from nature are right there,
in my suburban street."

This quatrain has great rhythm, and I love the sentiment. This is a positive conclusion in the narrator's mind.

Thank you so much for your contribution!

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

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#4056079

Review of The Final Word

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Anish

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello Anish! Nice to see you back for another round. Your poetry is always original and thought provoking, and that's definitely a good thing. The narrator is describing the aftermath of the discovery f a person's diary. Your poem is vague when it comes to the contents of the diary and though you imply that the owner was leading a life of misery and pain, there isn't a concrete explanation as to why. I think hidden meanings are fine in poetry, and not everything has to be spelled out, but I couldn't have grasped the meaning without reading your subject line. I would have liked a couple more clues about the contents of the diary, and what exactly happened to the owner of the journal. I get the impression that this person has died, and the truth found after the fact is shocking and devastating. Still, I would have liked to know what the situation was: was the person abused, heartbroken, or something else? Otherwise, great job on the tone of this piece. It's sad and somewhat dark.

CONVENTION:

This piece has a nice structure and is mostly in tetrameter (8-syllable lines), but there is one deviation in: "mindful of the haunted tales" that only has seven. I would suggest adding an extra syllable to this line for consistency. The rhythm is very nice throughout, and you've used punctuation only for emphasis or pause. The repetition works well, and I enjoyed the imagery created.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only thing I would suggest is to add a clue as to the nature of the diary contents. This clue combined with the use of figurative language would only strengthen this piece. Otherwise, great job.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Beautiful words of silent tears
at last make a terrible cry"

This is a strong point, and it really gives a sense of how unfortunate this person's life was. I like the idea that the words on a page are audible

Thank you for sharing.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

17

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14 days may be credited.

#4056074

Review of Boy with a Coin

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Makeshift

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello Monte! Thank you for your entry to the contest. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece, and I think you did a great job with the tone. There is a wistful feel that ties in with the theme of love lost, but just as the "coin" is treasured and lost, the one who loses understands that it's the nature of love to lose it. What I like the most is how you name the relationship -- and more specifically -- the person, a coin. You describe something that was of vital importance as a trinket, but it is also a treasure to the one who places value on it and finds its worth. What stands out for me the most in this piece is how you describe the magnitude of love, but remind your reader that what can be so important to us at one time, will shift and grow into new places that become just as impossible to be without.

CONVENTION:

Without a doubt the metaphor for a love interest is the dominating feature of this poem. You have added many layers of thought into a poem that is told with a deceptively simple use of language. I think this makes the pivotal points pop all the more, and this is a credit to your control of words. All that lovely hyperbole deepens the sense of love felt for the one with red hair and blue eyes. Even though all those exaggerated acts that accompany the feeling of being in love aren't real, they can certainly feel real to one who is besotted with another. Nice job.

This free verse poem has great pace and use of punctuation for clarity. The capitalization works for impact and pace, also, and even though I usually prefer lowercase to begin lines unless grammatically correct capitals are used, I think they work in this poem. I didn't feel any bumps in the road.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

It's hard to settle with so much content! Even now, one section of the poem stands out when I recall all of its nuances.

"Who cared if we got burned?
Fires can't last forever

Eventually, they have to be snuffed out
So the fields can grow again
And a new fire can start"

Great metaphor. Fire is the perfect name for blossoming, growing, and burning love. The fire is welcome even though dangerous, and nobody that's in love really cares about the consequences. The idea of the fire being "snuffed out" is wonderful, and details your point of fresh life growing where regeneration was needed.

Thank you for sharing your talent with me. I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

18

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14 days may be credited.

#4053228

Review of The Dark Prince of Halloween

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: ASR

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Oldwarrior

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL: Hello there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. I'm loving the dark-themed poetry that's been entered in the contest this round, and this is a great tribute to Halloween. I like how you made a story of this piece, and I can see this poem adapted into a short story or longer piece of fiction in the fantasy genre. You tell the tale of an ancient curse that foretells the coming of the dark prince each year, and the warning is to protect against his dark intentions. Great job on creating atmosphere.

CONVENTION:

Structured verse is always a pleasure to read when well executed, and this narrative poem has a fairly consistent rhythm and use of end-rhyme. You've achieved perfect rhyme in all but two of your couplets, but the slant rhyme is always preferable to forced rhyme. Nice work on the structure of this piece. There is a jaunty rhythm that you achieve with the use of punctuation, and there are forced pauses in some lines that add emphasis and pace. You don't maintain a set syllable count per line, and in most cases I think that maintaining this count does help with the rhythm . Still, not every poem fits a specific formula, and this is an area that can be tweaked over time. I really enjoyed your strong vocabulary and use of imagery. One of my favorite instances of this great imagery is in the following example: "Pretty maids, all dressed in white, with garlands in their hair,/were thrown upon the rocks to scream, outside the creature’s lair." What a contrast this creates with the innocent soft maidens and the stark grey rocks.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

This is a really well-crafted poem, but with any structured piece that has a varied syllable count from one line to the next, there is usually room for improvement with the rhythm. Often, I return to my older pieces and read over them for rhythm problems. There is usually a word or two that can be eliminated to improve the cadence of a structured poem.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"And since that day, so long ago, though many tried to leave,
three have died and many cried, on bloody Hallows Eve."

This poem has a lot of content, so it's hard to settle on favourite lines, but the above has nice flow, and I enjoyed the internal rhyme. This type of rhyme is always pleasant in formal poetry such as this.

Thank you so much for sharing your tribute to Halloween with me. I thoroughly enjoyed it!

See you next time.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

19

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14 days may be credited.

#4053227

Review of Soon

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Hassan

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Great to see you back for another round. Thank you for your entry.

This short piece is well considered, and it feels like it was sparked by the narrator's epiphany of what really matters in life. The subject reflects the tendency we all have to get caught up in the little things that really don't matter in the grand scheme of things, and there is a good message here for many. Take each day as it comes, because eventually the days will be past, for better or worse. This is a thoughtful poem, and I enjoyed both its simplicity and its depth.

CONVENTION:

Nice job on the free verse, and I like the uncluttered flow that is perfected with punctuation and feminine sounds to complete each line. This combination slows down the pace and forces a reader to contemplate the idea. You've used slant rhyme to create repetition, and this subtle rhyme is optimum for this form of poetry, in my opinion. Nice job.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"What now is,
will soon be 'was'"

These concluding lines tie up the preceding thoughts with a neat little bow and cement the message. You create a connection with your reader here, confirming something that they already know, but rarely make peace with.

Thank you so much for sharing.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

20

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14 days may be credited.

#4053226

Review of A Cosmic Pledge

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings turtlemoon-dohi

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi Susan! It's always a pleasure to read your free verse poetry, and this would have to be one of my favourites from your collection to date. You have a unique style that is all your own, and the natural expulsion of emotion that you are so good at can't be replicated. You tell the tale of lovers who are no longer together but want to be. Their hearts and souls are still united over time and space, but they have resolved to deal with the separation in the only way available to them. I thank you for the happy ending. When all is said and done, when two people really want to be together, they will find a way -- or to use a popular cliche, love will find a way. This is clever poetry. The narrator links her thoughts with the reader, and you did so well with the wistful yet hopeful tone.

CONVENTION:

Your poetry is always so rich with convention, but to name just one favourite, I love the imagery that you create in this piece. I think a great moment for me is with the following line: "Resolve, snuggled comfortably in your breast pocket," "Breast pocket" is such a great use of key words, and I instantly realized all of those feelings that are related to the warmth and strength of a man's chest. There is something comforting and tangible about this description. I can almost smell aftershave and feel the warmth of the chest. "Snuggled" is also a clever addition, and it adds to the image of one cuddling with another. The breast pocket also makes me think of the heart, the central theme of this poem. Loved it. This poem has a lot of content and a dense use of language, so it takes a little more thought, but that's never a bad thing. The delivery of your subject is personal, real, and unique. Great job.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

Great use of punctuation for pace in this piece, Susan. You control the words so well from one line to the next, giving a reader plenty of time to absorb a thought, pause where required, and take in every element. In the entire poem, there is just one place that I feel the flow would be better served with a different use of pause, and that's in the following excerpt:

"Am I nearly erased?
Blinked away from those infinite stars in your heart's eye?"

My suggestion would be to trade the question mark from the first line of this example for a comma. The question mark creates a longer pause, and it's the only place in the poem that I felt a bump. Other than that, wonderful!

Choose to discard this suggestion if it doesn't meet your intentions.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Resolve, snuggled comfortably in your breast pocket,
was a hushed promise secretly stored there
near your heart's ceaseless humming for me.
Thus, you declared."

In a poem full of treasures, I still favour the above lines, and for the reasons stated. "Ceaseless humming" is nice, too. It's gentle and constant, but it also points to a unending desire that has longevity.

Thank you for your entry! I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

21

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14 days may be credited.

#4053003

Review of The Black Widow

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with The Paper Doll Gang

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings Marci Missing Everyone

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hey there, Marci! Thank you for your entry to the contest. I'm glad you decided to enter something that's a little more on the sinister side. After all, it is the month for it ...

I think you did a great job with the subject, and I was taken with the evil machinations of this small but deadly predator, described as a plotting entity. You do dark well when the mood strikes you, and this little piece would be practically perfect with a little polishing.

CONVENTION:

I do like rhyming poetry. The problem is, rhyming verse always has to work a bit harder than free forms because all those little inconsistencies with rhythm are that much more noticeable. I don't think this necessarily gives free verse an unfair advantage though, because there are other elements that need to be present in free verse that aren't as desired in traditional forms. I found these dominant conventions to be strengths in "The Black Widow," and you maintained strict use of pentameter throughout, along with perfect end-rhyme. The only variation was that one instance of slant with "widow" and "window," but I disagree with those who would fault a poem for using this kind of rhyme. I believe it's preferable to forcing a rhyme, and it shows creativity.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

"My poison will spread like a red[-]hot sin."

"let'[remove apostrophe]s you see to the heart of this Widow."

"since my soul[-]seducing bite has no cure?"

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

"This sinister stalking will you endure
since my soul seducing bite has no cure?"

In the above excerpt, my suggestion would be to switch "will you" to "you will" in the first line and to remove the question mark. I think it makes the thought clearer, and let's face it ... this spider isn't asking!

"At dark the candle wax is burning bright."

I really like this line. It creates great imagery, but I'm not sure about the wax "burning." When I think of wax, I think of melting. You could change "wax" to "flame," and it would serve your meaning in a better way.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"At dark the candle wax is burning bright.
Watch where you're going on this eerie night."

As mentioned, I love the imagery in these lines. It's a great way to conclude a poem about a predator -- with the promise of something waiting in the shadows.

I think this is a great structured piece, Marci. I really enjoyed it, and I hope you can find something of use in my suggestions. Thanks for sharing, and I hope to see more of your poetry in future rounds.

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

22

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14 days may be credited.

#4043291

Review of Tell me my Love

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Rising Stars Review
Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

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Greetings jaya

GENERAL:

Hello, Jaya! Hobie was browsing your port when he found this little gem, and here I am to review your poem about the nature of love. I hope you enjoy my comments. Your poem is beautiful and engaging, and the narrator is asking for a confirmation of affection, but even more than that, a confirmation that the love shared is everlasting and that of soul mates. There is no doubting the depth of devotion that is expressed by the one asking for assurances, but the reciprocation is unspoken. What I enjoy most is how you liken the love to that of nature and it's revolving state. Will the love be a constant like the seasons, bringing new growth and different states of being? I particularly like the concluding lines where the narrator asks the ultimate question. Will our souls return to one from which we were formed? Nice job.

CONVENTIONS:

Free verse isn't as easy as some might think. It does take care and consideration to combine words in a smooth and seamless way, and you have done that with this poem. The whole unit is extremely harmonious, and your use of enjambment and minimal punctuation really adds to the movement. The thing that stood out most for me was the use of simile and imagery to create a strong visual and link between nature and love. A need for longevity is expressed with words like "lasting," "perpetual," "steadfast," and "assure," and this theme powers the poem. You've used lots of lovely sound repetition, particularly alliteration and sibilance. This is a very well-rounded piece, and I just have a couple of suggestions that I will mention below.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

"Tell me my love,/ your love is lasting/ as the shining moon/ and stars,"

From a reader's perspective, I felt the above excerpt would benefit from a word change in your simile. Rather than "as the shining moon," I think "like the shining moon" would be more effective and clear. I would also suggest a comma after "tell me." I understand punctuation slows the flow, but I think a short pause would work well here, in both the title and the body. I realise this is a subjective area, so discard my suggestions if they don't work for you.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

The only thing I would suggest is to differentiate between the title and the first line of your poem in the body of the static item. All you would need to do is bold your heading or make it a slightly larger size.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Will your love be steadfast
like the sun and the seasons,
like the hills, dales and rivers
standing witness to countless
civilizations shaping up
and dissolving into the
turning wheel of time?"

I apologise for pulling out this entire stanza, but it's linked, and I can't find anyway to separate one line from another that doesn't take away from the meaning. This is where the narrator asks for an assurance or a guarantee of loyalty and permanent love. The question is based on the narrator's own desire to share a spiritual and physical connection with the object of affection.

I can see why your poem placed in a contest. I thoroughly enjoyed your creation, and I wish you the best of luck with your writing endeavours.

Regards,
Mandy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

23

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14 days may be credited.

#4041940

Review of the pilot's lament

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Muse Masters Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Review

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Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

Greetings Rhyssa

I am reviewing your entry for "Invalid Item"

. Thank you for participating!

GENERAL:

Hey Rhyssa! You've found a creative angle with this poem and the genre, and I feel for the pilot who has lost what makes him feel alive and vibrant. Rather than the freedom that's derived from operating a hot air balloon, the pilot is bound in the girth of a rigid airship. The contrast between the zeppelin and the hot air balloon is stark, and it also brings to mind the transition of technology into a mass-produced mechanical era. By doing this, you've highlighted the fact that change is not always desired by all, and sometimes the old methods or traditions aren't let go of easily.

CONVENTIONS:

You've done a great job with the form, and your use of line breaks makes for nice movement. The decision to use lowercase throughout makes the reading seamless, as does your choice of punctuation placement. I can see that you've given thought to the pace of your poem, and I think you did a great job on the formatting of this piece. I was a little distracted by the lowercase at the beginning of your first stanza and after the full-stop punctuation, but I realise this is a style thing, so don't mind me.

What I love most about this poem is the sensory element. You engage so many with the descriptions of how things taste, sound, and smell. You've used all the wonderful instances of onomatopoeia to describe the sound of the machine, but the others are even more creative and unusual. I like the idea of "tasting" the clouds. For me, it's not just the use of conventions, but it's how well the conventions are applied. The personification of the gears is clever, and to imagine them grinding their teeth is new, and you incorporated some lovely sound repetition. "riding the lightning / not forcing it to my bidding." These lines are a couple of my favourites, and the use of assonance and consonance -- particularly with the "i" and "ing" sounds -- is so rich. Lovely job.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

The only thing that distracted me was the use of "everpresent" in the first stanza. I'm always wary of commenting on spelling because I know there are variations, but two words may work better in this instance: "ever-present noise."

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"grease and coal dust
catching at the back of my throat.
it masks the clean taste
of clouds."

These are some of my favourite lines and just one example of how you engage the senses.

"my fingers dance,
attacking the universe
with the turn of a dial."

I love the entire last stanza, but I really like the unique idea of "attacking the universe." Fantastic description!

Thank you so much for supporting the contest. I hope to see you back for the next round!

Regards,
Mandy

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

24

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14 days may be credited.

#4035905

Review of Letting Go

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Muse Masters Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with Muse Masters

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings ElizabethHayes-DaughterofIAM

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hi there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. The narrator is finding inner peace as she enjoys the spiritual side of her nature. I can almost feel the deep breath and that sensation that comes with absorbing the night and all its wonder. When you write "I sit outside/ as evening shadows dance" there is instant imagery attached. Everyone has experienced this state of being, the sounds, the sensations, and that feeling of being linked in some way with the celestial. I love the atmosphere in what is a deceptively simple piece. You have a true talent for expressing emotion through words.

CONVENTION:

What you've done so well with your free verse is omit punctuation. I know that sounds strange!

Your lack of punctuation is complimented by your use of capitalization and lower case to compliment the invisible pauses. Great job.

The spacing is also a nice touch, and it slows down the pace and forces a reader to consider each thought before moving into the next. Also, nice use of enjambment. You have incorporated some nice instances of figurative language, and my favourite example would have to be "upon the lake of emotions/ I call my heart" This is a subtle variation on a typical metaphor, and you have reversed the sentiment.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

There was only one little stumbling block for me in the entire poem, and that moment is in the following:

"To have a crystal sheen"

When I read this, I paused. I wasn't sure what the subject was here. After going back to read, I realized that you were referring to the lack of emotion, but it still caused a break in the experience. This is only my perspective as a reader.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Darkness has fallen
and I gaze at the stars"

I've already mentioned some of my favourites, but I really like these lines. I, like most, can relate to gazing at the stars, and the feeling that comes with that is unlike any other. It's beautiful, but it also makes you realize the vastness of the universe. Problems seem insignificant in these moments. Relatable imagery does a lot of work for a poet.

Thank you for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

25

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4035400

Review of Music of the Spheres

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Muse Masters Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Muse Masters Poetry Contest Review!
In affiliation with Muse Masters

Your poem is being reviewed for the "Invalid Item"

IMPORTANT NOTE: editing your item after submission is against the rules of the contest. If you edit your item, particularly after it's been reviewed, it will be disqualified from the contest. If I suggest an improvement and you make that improvement, the rating and judgement I awarded will no longer be valid. If I had to delete a poem from the contest, I would be sad.

So, please do not EDIT your item after judging! Thank you.

Greetings 🌕 HuntersMoon

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only my opinions. Take what you can use, but never be shy about discarding what you cannot.

GENERAL:

Hello there! Thank you for your entry to the contest. This is a form that I believe has to be well constructed. I find the repetition can become too much in some villanelles if the content is based on fitting the pieces together. Sometimes the theme, technique, and use of language come together to create something that's a cohesive unit. You've certainly accomplished that with "Music of the Spheres." This poem is a tribute to the beauty of the universe, and you offer a visual display of all that decorates the heavens.

CONVENTION:

When crafting a form poem, it's so important to adhere to the required format, and you've managed to maintain the integrity of this form perfectly. Your rhyme scheme is spot on, and the rhymes never feel forced, but what I enjoyed the most was the diverse vocabulary and motion that hid any obvious transition into the repeating lines. Personally, I think that's the mark of a good repeating form. If a reader isn't overly aware of the repetition, the poet has succeeded. Each line stays true to pentameter, and this does a lot for the rhythm. Throughout, the sound repetition creates a lovely cadence that compliments the smooth subject. Just a couple of nice moments are in "can only barely hear;" and "A melody of motion." You've incorporated touches of alliteration, consonance, and assonance that are pleasing but not obvious. Great job.

This poem is expansive, and I was drawn into the visual element. Your use of punctuation is excellent and invisible, never impeding the flow. I don't have any suggestions to improve upon this piece. As the requirements stand, you have covered all bases.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"A melody of motion in the night;
a haunting song above the atmosphere.
There is a music in the heaven's light."

I like the way you combine the senses throughout this piece, giving music appeal to multiple senses, and these lines hold just one example with "melody of motion." Also, the sound repetition is lovely with those feminine "m" and "o" sounds.

Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Leader of Muse Masters Campfire Creative,
Creator of Muse Masters Poetry Contest, Coordinator of
The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes,
and proud member of The Art of Criticism, The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars,
The Paper Doll Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, and The Poet's Place.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .