Hey there and welcome to writing.com! I stumbled across your poem and thought I would send you a review. First of all I think you did a great job for a first try! I would love to help you make it better. Here are some ideas to help you het started.
The dream seems so real,
Like the back of my hand,
When I wake up,
I get all confused(this was good it should have been broken up)
~here is just an example of what I mean. If you are interested please email me.
Please remember I am an author just like you. Everything in this review is just my opinions. I only want to help you succeed as a writer.
Title: The title really fits the poem, but the poem was nothing like I imagined.
First Impression: My first impression was that this poem was amazing. It showed the two emotions or feelings that are battling it out on the play ground. It really made me laugh, because those feelings that you listed together would be enemies. :)
Overall: Overall this was a great poem and I think one day it could be published.
Recommendation:The only thing I think you might want to look into is the flow on this poem. That is the only thing I noticed was sometimes I would have to go back and read it. Other then that, it was great.
Please remember I am an author just like you. Everything in this review is just my opinions. I only want to help you succeed as a writer.
Title: The title works for the poem and I liked it. You did a good job with the title.
First Impression: My first impression of this poem was that it had a lot of potential. I understand what you are trying to say but I think you need a little assistance on making this poem flow more.
Overall: Overall it was good, but it can be improved in many area's. I do hope you continue to write because I do see some talent there. :)
Recommendation: Okay, now for the recommendations. :) First off I want to work with the first two lines. "I am hypnotized
By your body" There is not much flow in these lines, if any. I would try to make these lines flow a little better together to something that can catch the interest of the reader. Instead of doing that, the first few lines can be confusing and a little hard to read. Second, the lines, "Lost in my own head
Everything about you" I think they could be changed to something like, "Lost with thoughts of you, My head is spinning" Then the "Everything about you part could be something like, "Everything about you, It makes me insane" But the line, "But only in a good way throws off the poem I think. I would throw out that line and add something else there. The last two lines about the smile and the laugh also seem to throw the poem off a little but I think with some work this poem could be amazing! If you are willing, I would love to work with you on improving this poem. If you are interested, email me. Here is an example of what I would start doing with this poem.
"Lost with thoughts of you,
My head is spinning,
Everything about you,
It makes me insane,
Your laugh like a trance,
That could hold me forever,
Your eyes show the life,
That we could have had,
If only I had not thrown it away."
~Do you see where I am going with this? I think you need some improvements, but with a few changes this poem could be great. I hope you found my feedback useful, and please contact me with any questions or if you are interested in working with me to improve this. :) Great work!
Last Note: it is a good start to a poem that I thought was a huge honor to be able to review for you. I hope you find my feedback useful. :)
Please remember I am an author just like you. Everything in this review is just my opinions. I only want to help you succeed as a writer.
Title:A good tittle, being that the contest is going on, it caught my attention quickly and I decided to take a look.
First Impression: My first impression was this. This was amazing! Such a good letter written just to you. What's not to love? It has your own goals that you want to achieve and the goals are not to hard as well. They are just very reasonable but will take some time.
Overall: Overall this was a great "Dear Me" entry, and although I have not read too many of these, I really enjoyed reading it, great job!
Recommendation: My only recommendation would be that paragraph where you talk about being more active and doing more things with other people. That one paragraph is really crammed together and seems rushed. I think you should space it out a little more and really take those different idea's and elaborate on them some. Just my opinion though.
Last Note: This was a great "Dear Me" entry that I really enjoyed reading. Thank you for allowing me to review your entry, it was a pleasure.
Please remember I am an author just like you. Everything in this review is just my opinions. I found this piece very interesting and it was just so amazing I had to stop and let you know. Thank you for sharing.
Title: Fits this perfectly. I loved the title!
First Impression: First Impression? I all the sudden wondered if this is published! Is it published? because it should be. I loved it, it was just amazing.
Overall: Overall it was great. There is only very few spots that I would have changed a word or so, but that's just my opinion. I loved what you did with the poem, how easy it was to understand and how it made me feel my love of my father while reading it.
Recommendation: Nothing to recommend, you did a great job with it!
Last Note: Amazing poem that should be published! Keep Writing!
Please remember I am an author just like you. Everything in this review is just my opinions. I only want to help you succeed as a writer.
Title: I like it, it works well with the poem and makes sense. Nice job!
First Impression: First Impression of this poem was simple. I loved it. It spoke so much truth and we could really feel the pain and mixed emotions.
Overall: Overall, this poem was really really good. It expressed emotion really well and was a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing.
Recommendation: Truthfully, I have none. This poem is just so great that I would do nothing to change it. This, of course is just my opinion but I think you did a good job with it.
I found this Christmas story on the Auto-Rewards page. The tittle caught my eye, and I decided to take a look/
Overall Impression: This is a great little Christmas story that should be remembered by all! I think a lot of times kids don't realize that Christmas is not all about the presents and you do a good job of explaining that in this cute little story.
Plot: The plot was good. I enjoyed how it went back in time to a not so memorable Christmas and then to the memorable one at 4m.
Style and Voice: Unique. Good Job!
Scene/Setting: I enjoyed the setting, and almost smelled Christmas like things here in the house!
Characters: You did a good job with the characters, it really made me believe that they existed!
That was awesome! I enjoyed reading a different Christmas story in poetic form. That was a good treat and I enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing. In fact, it was so good that I don't really have any suggestions for you. Okay, maybe one, but it's kinda small. The line, "A noise shook the house; a voice that warmed with holiday pleasure." It seems just a little long and I think it would flow better to be shortened just a little. Just my opinion, have an amazing day and Merry Christmas!
Great job on this poem! The flow, was amazing! Who am I kidding, I loved the entire thing! The only thing I want to mention is a few of the lines don't seem to flow as well as the others. For example the lines,
"Decisions you’ve made, will haunt your soul,
a soul-mates demise, exiting out of control."
-This one here was good but the word exiting does not really go well with the poem. I think you should change that word.
**Other then that, it was great and thanks for sharing. It was a good read, and very enjoyable. Write On!
Hey there, the name of this poem caught my eye. I have to say it's interesting. It does not deserve 2 stars in my opinion, but more like 3 because it shows potential. It's enjoyable overall but I think it should have a little more flow. It slightly just sounds like someone is writing their thoughts down on paper(like you said in the description) I think to call this an actual poem, it would need more structure, flow, and be a bit longer. Just my suggestions. Overall, I enjoyed reading it so thank you for sharing. I hope my feedback is useful to you.
First off, I want to welcome you to Writing.com! It's great to have you here. Secondly, I have to say..I am quite impressed that this was your first poem. It shows quite a bit of talent so nice job. However, there is some things I want to suggest to you.
First, the flow of the poem. The flow of the poem is not doing too well. What I mean by that is when I read it, is does not sound easy to read. I am having to stop and re-read some of the lines over again to try and get the meaning. It feels forced, I guess would be a good way to put it. You can find many examples of some poems that flow well, I would suggest you look at some other poetry and when you read them most of them should sound really smooth. Just a suggestion.
Next off, is something a lot smaller. The format you have the poem in. I think there is too many spaces, and because of the flow problems already should be shortened.
I also think you might want to work on finding other words that can mean the same thing for some of your lines. It could make the poem flow a little better.
So, to sum all that up, it was really good. I enjoyed reading it. I think you can work on the flow of the poem a little more and then change the format here on the site. Other then that, great job. Welcome to Writing.com!
Hmmm...I like it. I think this could be build into a much larder story but it is also really easy to get lost in. There is a lot happening and I feel like I was thrown into a chapter of a book. I liked it, I just think you could have explained this more detail. Was this a contest entry? I have a feeling it was. In that case, great job! Keep writing!
First off, I want to start by welcoming you to Writing.com! I am glad to see you put some of your work out there and if you have any questions on the review, or anything else please feel free to send me an email.
Second, the poem. Overall you did a good job with it but there are quite a few area's for improvement. The first thing I think you should change has nothing to do with the poem itself, but the way you present it. I think you should get rid of the bold. It makes the poem really hard to read and that will cause readers not to want to read the poem as much. Just as suggestion there.
Third, the poem itself. I think you did a good job with it overall. You have a lot of different idea's that you are trying to get across all in this one poem though. I think you should try to break it up and make it about one aspect of this instead of all of them at once, it will make it flow a little better.
Flow is also the next thing I want to bring up. When you read a poem you want it to flow so it can sound nice and the things will go together. Your poem does not always flow. I would just look into that and see if you can change that a little bit.
Overall, this was a good read and I am glad I read it. It has some area's of improvement but don't we all? Some suggestions to you, being new to Writing.com are review, review, review! I can not stress this enough. You will get more reviews if you review others too. Also, be active on the site because that always helps too. Have an amazing day and Merry Christmas!
This is...amazing? Even trying to find a good word to express how much I loved that poem was somewhat difficult. I think you should change nothing. This really captures your feelings about your first true love, and I found I could relate to some of these feelings. Thank you for sharing, it really helped me as well as enjoying it. Thank you once again for sharing, it makes me smile to know that someone can relate. Please keep writing, you did a great job. Write On!
Overall, this is a good story and I enjoyed reading it. However, I found a few area's where you could improve. First off, in the very beginning, "We were messing around nothing out of the ordinary when it came to nine year olds." This line here should be improved by adding a comma. Like this, "We were messing around, nothing out of the ordinary when it came to nine year olds." I also think you can improve the entire first paragraph. Make it a little more descriptive and such. Overall though this was good it just could be improved. Keep writing!
This is an amazing poem. Really amazing. I have to say I was quite shocked actually. Thank you for sharing this poem it was well worth it! It was great. Not only did you do a good job of expressing feelings for 2 different characters but you did a nice job of showing us a good picture of the family that was thinking about them as well. I enjoyed it and think you did a very good job. I have no suggestions for besides one. Keep writing! :)
I found your story on the Auto-Reviews page and decided to have a look. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression: This is a very good story, and I am glad I took a look. You did a good job with the story although it could use to be a little longer.
Plot: The plot, you did a good job with. Although the plot was not overly developed, it still was very good because of how detailed the small parts that came with it went. I really enjoyed it and think you did a nice job.
Style and Voice: Very unique, and you can tell it was your personal style.
Scene/Setting: You did a GREAT job with the setting. I could really feel like I was there and I loved that. Nice job.
Characters: A good job with the little boy. Although only one main character in this I think it was really good because I was just exited as the little boy! Nice job here as well.
Dialog: None in this story. :) But it was far from needed
Grammar and Mechanics: No errors
Suggestions: The only suggestion I have for you is this, make it bigger! :)
I think you did a great job with this poem. I really felt like I was there watching a pack of wolves. Then when I came to the last line, I realized.."Oh..this was just a poem, I was not really there." It was amazing. The only suggestion I would have is the line, "The young baby wolves eventually" This line did not really seem to flow as well as the rest of the poem and I thought I would let you know. Other then that, this was great.Good Job, it was a great read. Merry Christmas!
This one really spoke to me. Going through a difficult time myself right now..this was perfect to read and really helped to explain some of my feelings that I was having. Thank you for sharing, I really enjoyed reading this. Just a suggestion, I found on some of the lines..the words would not always flow correctly. Just an example of a few of those times. The line, "She reaches for my hand, but i cant feel her." I think the last word, her, does not really help make it flow and work well with the rhyme scheme. I hope you think this review is useful, and have a very Merry Christmas!
This was a good vampire story and I enjoyed reading it, but I have to say I am still left with questions at the end of reading this and you never quite made them clear. Is his wife a vampire? And if so, then how does she still have a love for Pizza? But anyways, I did enjoy reading the story it was a good one. Thanks for sharing.
I found your poem on the newbie page and decided to take a look at this poem. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact: The overall impression of this poem...I feel your pain. I mean I can really feel what your feeling. You did a good job of expressing emotion.
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable): It flows alright, but I think in some area's you could change some of the words at the end to make it flow a little better. But overall, it flows well.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics: No errors
Suggestions: You did a good job with this and I like it a lot. Keep writing some more and you will keep getting better. Like they say, practice makes perfect! If not perfect, close to it. :)
After I read this, I had to wonder why others have only rated this with 4 stars out of 5. This is really quite sad, and I am really hoping for your sake that this was only a dream. It has to hurt to know that it was going to be your last kiss, but to have him die? Wow, I almost started crying myself! I can tell you if I woke up with this as a dream I would cry as well. It is a really good dream but I think, if you wanted to that is..you could develop this into a story. At least a short story if not a novel. I think it could start out as a normal romance and then of course end with these sad events. It's up to you, but just an idea. Overall, it was sad but somehow a really well thought out dream if that made any sense. Good Job.
Overall this is a good Christmas story but I'm not sure you would call this a story quite yet. It slightly seems like a letter that was written to someone. I am saying this because the thoughts to not seem to be developed nearly enough for a "story" I guess I should say. This is good but it could be a lot better. I think it should be expanded on a little bit more and you should take some time to explain things and this will be a great Christmas story. Overall, I liked it. Thank you for sharing. Just thought I would share an idea for the future.
Overall, this is a good poem. I think it has a lot of idea's that are trying to get across and to be able to write about all of these idea's makes you truly talented. First off, my suggestion to you is to break this up a little bit. When it is all ran together like this is makes it so much harder to read. For example you could do something like this.
"Her reality is one she would wish not to have
Instead she would rather be guided by her dreams
The things she sees in her dreams are colorful and bright
While things at home are horrible and resemble night"
Or you could do something like this due to the rhyming pattern you have.
"Her reality is one she would wish not to have
Instead she would rather be guided by her dreams
The things she sees in her dreams are colorful and bright
While things at home are horrible and resemble night"
From here you would continue to have the poem broken up like that so it is much easier to read.
Another thing I wanted to mention was it seems to be really wordy. You seem to have so many words in each line that it makes it hard to follow. If you want, you could also break this up a little more to make it easier to read as well. But other then that, I really enjoyed this poem and I think you did a good job with it. Keep Writing, and you never know where you could find yourself.
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Overall Impression: This is a great little Christmas story that should be remembered by all! I think a lot of times kids don't realize that Christmas is not all about the presents and you do a good job of explaining that in this cute little story.