Hi, CY, welcome to the site! I'm truly honored to be giving you your first official review!
For your first written work, I think it's alright lbeit a few bumps her and there. Overall, it was a smooth read and the flow was very natural. I especially liked your transition from the present to the past and vice versa.
However, your story did seemed a bit as though it's beating around the bush. It's like the story's so long and you're only revolving around one point; what she felt about her mother leaving. So, it got a bit tiring at times.
As for the ending, it's a little abrupt. But I liked the idea behind your story. How she hated her mother for various reasons, only to have her reality thwarted in the end. However, the reasons you used to support the revelation are a bit too weak. Maybe you can strengthen it when you've received more comments.
Very good characters development and dialogue. You'd pull me into the emotions surrounding the interaction between father and daughter.
However, I noticed a lack of physical description of the characters and the surroundings. But to me, that's fine. I enjoyed the emotional turmoil in her more than knowing what colour her eyes were.
Okay, the following part of the review will be on the technical part of your story.
First, I think the "..." connecting your sentences are unneccessary. It gives this a slurring effect when I read it. And for the grammar part, you might want to go through your story again. You started off the story in past tense, but there were some parts in your story where you mixed up the tenses.
**
My heart winced as I looked at him more intently
But he refused to show everyone that anyone
You are my only one were
I was deafened by the need to hear only from him deafen
When I finally let go of him, I stared hard into my father’s eyes let him go; looked
I can’t wait to see what’s the content since it brought such a frown to my old man’s face couldn't
After all this years, how dare she has the audacity to write to methese; had
I can’t believe what I was reading couldn't
No, this can’t be true couldn't
But I get nothing got
Instead it was being replaced by a feeling of voida void feeling
After the final bell rang, I grasped my school bag. grabbed
I can’t wait to reach home. couldn't
I was gasping for air when I finally opened up my house’s door.threw open the front door
I knew Nat will surely bake a cake. would
he will undoubtedly rush to me would
I could hear that Nat and Dad were arguing.
I don’t remember exactly how I felt on that day. didn't
It was only then that my feelings had sunk in.
It was his birthday, supposed to be one of the happiest days of his life but he had none of those.supposedly; you didn't mention what is 'one of those'
Usually our house will be filled by laughters. would; with
But at the same time too, I heard me reassuring myself that Nat will come back. reassured
And with each passing time, I felt that my hope is slipping away bit by bit.day; my hope slipped away bit by bit
I am left with uncertainty. I do not even know if I’m that sure anymore. At nights, I could only cry myself to sleep was; I didn't know if I was sure anymore; night; would
Of course Grandma Nancy will come would
When I come back came
I agreed that my Dad don’t earn much and is quite incapable didn't; was
She is used to spending wildly but that was before she married Dad. I don’t blame her for wanting was; freely; didn't
she had decided to cook for herself
That is one day that I’ll never forget was; I would
She will wake up in the middle of the nightswould; night
he still has to keep up a brave upfront for his kids…He can never disappoint them… had; front; could
that is causing her to bleed to her death was
And where is our Mother was
I don’t dare to look at him didn't
Smiling weakly, I answered back saying,
But my wound is something was
**
Thanks for the read and welcome to the site, my friend.
Glad to see I'm in the majority group. But to me, putting commas in my work is one of the few techniques to control the flow of my story. It's also able to make something sound the way I intended it to be.
Nice poll. I support your move in not putting an in between choice. God knows there are a lot of people out there who are just shy about making choices. Therefore, they prefer to sit on the gate. So, it's great to have more polls like this that just force them to make a choice!
*blushed* I'm afraid to say I'm one of the "gate sitters".
Hi. Thanks for submitting this chapter for a review from ""Invalid Item" ".
I like this chapter for it showed the story in another territory. It was like entering a different phase.
One thing I found lacking were the physical surroundings, both of the people and the place. For one, you didn't tell what Mike looks like and more importantly, how old was he? I think this is crucial to portray to your readers the enormity of the situation. The fact that either Mike was your peer or someone older will give the readers different interpretations of the situation.
Besides this, I believe you have successfully provided another cliff hanger at the end. Now I'm anticipating the new chapter.
Interesting. You managed to keep the romance element in while being funny all the way!
I really like how there are the lines they spoke with their inner thoughts right before or after it. It proved to be a funny read to see how contradicting their thoughts and spoken words are.
Just goes to show people always say things that are really different from what they are thinking.
Thanks for sharing.
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Hi. Thank you for participating in "Invalid Item" . This is the review you've requested.
This is a story definitelty worth continuing. You have set the pace of the story which is intriguing and asked questions that begged to be answered. For example, the way you ended the first chapter. You told us what was going to happen in chapter 2, but you didn't go into detail. That was the part that will pull your readers through the second part, trying to find answers to their own queries.
As for the narration of this story, I think you have succeeded in making a detached observation of the past. You have told this story from the view of a grown up, about your own feelings as a boy. Even when you tried to convey the bitterness in you when you were young, you didn't let past memories cloud your own narration. In short, the story was as unbiased as it should be.
Thank you for taking part in "Invalid Item" . CONGRATULATIONS!! You are the SECOND PRIZE winner and this means you have won 2000GPs ! Below is a review of your WINNING entry.
This could be the most romantic fight I've read over a pizza. And I meant it in a very good way.
This was one of the shortest entry I've got, and I'm surprised the overall ratings you've got didn't exactly reflect the quality of your piece. Though short, I've enjoyed it thoroughly for the banter and quick wit between the characters were engaging. This was set apart from the rest for its take on humur and reluctant attraction between the two characters who thought the other one's the fool for not liking their favourite choice of pizza.
This was a short piece, but hey, I was entertained, so you deserved the win.
Thank you.
Do come back for the brand new prompt!
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My first thought was, boy, this is long for a phone conversation!
And then I began reading, and enojoyed it all the way. It was still a tad too long. sometimes lengthy, yet it managed to take me along the romantic ride.
As this was a diaogue prompt, the dialogues were very important (duh..). And you did a fabulous job writing all the lines as they were witty and touching at the same time. I know, you aimed to be humourous but yet at times the things they said to each other were tender as well.
Another thing was how successful you were in bringing out the characeristics in your characer. They were so well written, I liked them already half way through the story. I liked the last linem, which I thought brought a perfect end to the dialogue.
Thank you for the good read.
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This is the last of five reviews gifted to you by tc_davis who had won them in
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Let me start with what I am able to interpret from these beautiful lines.
It all happens when a man rushes unaanounced into your life when he was neither wanted nor invited. It speaks of a man determined to get what he wants from a lover that's not very keen to be giving all and yet unable to resist. It's very lvoely when the man is able to make you smile again therefore in one way or another giving you another chance at life.
I like how through these lines you're able to convey your love and how amazing this man is.
I love this poem!
A mere suggestion from me here, you can ignore it if you chose to. I just sort of stumbled on this line when I read it so a suggestion to make it read better:
and I owe this all to you and this I owe all to you
The one in bold is my suggestion.
Thank you for the fabulous read.
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This is the third of five reviews gifted to you by tc_davis who had won them in
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The perspective of this story is all from the girl. The whole story's centered on her fear of a strange intruder in her house. Basically, the whole story is playing with the tension and thrill of facing the unknown.
What I find interesting about this story is the description of the feelings running inside her when she felt eyes on her. I also think that you're very successful in creating this dark figure stalking her in her very own house.
However, this story seemed a bit too long and there's really not much of development going on. The plot seemed the same from beginning till the end where she seemed to be just running from the darkness.
But I do like the ending where it just ended abruptly and no explanation was given. It's a good technique to leave your readers wondering.
Thanks for the read.
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This is the second of five reviews gifted to you by tc_davis who had won them in
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Overall, this is a piece of writing describing how life sometimes just throw something in your path and block your way. Sometimes you just wonder if it's all worth fighting for only to fail once more in the end.
Well, there are sayings that obstacles are merely tests from God seeing if you'll quit. If you don't, you're simply made stronger by the end of it all.
I like the presentation in this piece. It was the first I have seen in wdc, where you have bullets at the front of every paragraph. Somehow with these bullets, it didn't read like a story and instead it read like an article with different facts.
This piece was written in a very factual way. It didn't intend to ask for symphathy nor did you whine about your fate, but it managed to make me feel sad for you all the same.
Thanks for the good read.
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Two third of the story seemed like a build up to the punch line right in the end. However, I think it would be more effective if you were to dwell on the situation rather than describe your work in detail, considering the word count restraint you had.
Another suggestion would be to decapitalized "Bleeding Heart" when it was first mentioned. This way, your readers will not be prepared for what's coming up.
However, I like the part where you didn't know what to say best. You managed to portray the awkward situation so very well.I can actually feel your face turning red when I read that part.
Overall, a nice read. Thank you.
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Okay.. so by now you should know I don't live in America and I can't really relate to more than half of all your polls.
However, it is interesting reading the small bit of information you provided before asking your question.
Maybe you can improve the quality of your polls by including a more diverse choice of answers. I noticed that most of the answers are just 'yes' and 'no'. Unless you want to force the people to make a choice, then it's alright. But keep in mind that your poll result will not be as accurate anymore.
I think it's a good idea to have an in between answer. You know, t's very hard for people to amke up their mind.
Thank you for the opportunity to browse through this informative folder!!
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I'v enjoyed this story. Is it a true story? If it is, real fortunate and unfortunate for you.
Great description. I can vividly imagine the embarassing situation in my mind. I can't help but wince when his hand was placed om the dog poo. Ew.. but what the heck. He met a great girl.
Didn't it occur to that grumpy lady that her dog was also unleashed and that the fault was not his alone?
Ah.. very nice. Both of the 55 words story gives me a different impression. I shall review it separately and tell you which one I like better.
#1:
This is more straighforward, and the words used are not that poetic. It's more like a description of their actions. As for that line Sarah said, to me it sounds like she's informing her mother. She sounds as though once she blamed her mother for believing that she'll never find a man, but is forgiving her now that she has.
#2:
In comparison, this is of a more poetic style, absoutely love the first line. I like the fact that he grasps her hand, lending support. And the line she spoke in this one gave off a different impression fromm the first one. Here, it's she throwing the fact that she has a man in her mother's face. Not forgiving at all.
It's really clear which one I like better, it's #2. It sounds more interesting and not as bland, from the way it was written.
A very well-written story. Though there's not much description of the etting or on his physical looks, I can imagine very well what the conditions are like.
I like how you're able to convey her desperation for him to see her (at least I think it a her), it all sounds so sad.
I like your storyline as well. A short story, but enough to make me feel along with the character in this story.
Initially, I absolutely love it when she plead desperaely for him to look at her. But as the story progresses, those lines are a bit too much. There are too many of them that it irked me.
The part I love best about this story is the various mishappenings from his gifts to her. I laughed out a few times and it as great.
I like the characterization of Peter. Though he seemed successful and confident, he's a funny fool when i came to romance. I like reading how he was unsure of how to approach her.
Maybe you've heard this suggestion many times before: it will really help to ease the eyes if there was space between paragraphs. That will also encourage poeple to read on!
Back to your story. It was very touching, the way you planned it. That letter his father left him, was very meaningful and sad. You portrayed the love between father and son very well.
I especially like how in the end everything comes full circle. The circle of life, maybe?
Sigh... I didn't know whether to laugh or shake my head at the irony by the end of the story. I should have seen this coming. It was all too smooth flowing for him.
I like it that you wrote the story from John's view. For a moment there, it looks like a thriller with John as the hero trying to run away from the baddies. Throughout the story, I actually wanted him to get away from everythig he did.
Love your characterisation of John. Good job in portraying uch a cold blooded inhumane person.
Hi! Thank you for taking part in my writing contest!
This is my review of your entry.
Prompt fulfillment
The thing is, I've read this story before. If I remembered correctly, I'v sent you a review and I'm glad to see your story is separated in paragraphs to make it easy for the eyes. I see that you have also added on to the story to give it a different plot. However, I have to say, you didn't exactly fulfill my prompt. The prompt was to have a guardian angel save a woman on the brink of suicide and have them fall in love. Your 'guardian angel' is not exactly heavenly or near to what I have in mind. It's either you've missed the prompt or you have a different idea for the angel. If it's the latter, I can see where you're coming from.
Plot
I was quite surprised when I read this for it was all so familiar. But the ending's fresh. However, I can't say I like it much for it didn't feel well thought through. A bit silly as well, I'm afraid. I like the beginning though, like what I said when I sent you a review earlier on for the first part.
Characterization
Believable characters. There's definitely chemisrty between them. However, I've got some concern though about giving birth without the presence of doctors. In this era, do peope do that anymore?
Dialogue
Smooth flowing. Except in the end. Maybe because the plot itself to me is silly therefore the dialogues alo seemed fake to me.
The R factor!!
Congratulations for submitting the first erotica in my romance writing contest. The love scenes are very sensual and exciting. I love it when she had the dream of the mysterious man. Definitely an R factor!
I'm honoured to be the first contest you've entered. Good try but maybe you'd like to follow the prompt more closely in the future.
Thanks for the read.
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Really impressive that you're able to come up with all of these. One must really be very intuitive in life to be able to put down such words (in short, not blind to oneself).
There are a few that I've read from somewhere before. Other than those very few, I've only rea the rest fr the first time.
A huge part of the reason I like these quotes are because of the beautiful quotes. If I have the need in the future, do you think I can really use your quotes?
An example of what I'm saying:
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I use only quote for my cNotes. Maybe I can use yours in the future?
Th first thing that you really need to do with this fantastic work of yours is to separate it into paragraphs. Some people are really funny. When they see all these words clumped together and couldn't make out the lines, they will just give up and not read. So, to encourage people to read your work, the last you can do is to make the reading easy for them.
Initially, I had plan to skip this page and moved on but something caught my eye. I'm very glad I started reading this and finished .
The love scenes are really sensual and hot. I like the fact that this is not just plain erotica but has a storyline behind it. I also find their relationship in the past to be very sweet.
Once again, for people to be able to help you with your language and stuff, it's really advisable to separate it into paragraphs.
Thanks for the read.
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