I enjoyed your realistic depiction of your main character's running and the pain and thought process that goes along wih it.
Ultimately, it would serve the work better to have more background as to why the protagonist is running. I get the whole because it's there or see how far I have traveled mentality, but not having more insight into your character makes your reader just along for the jog, instead of running hard alongside your protagonist.
I like the way you depict your action scenes in this work. Skillfully done!
This work is at its weakest in your first paragraph, when you are trying to establish Ivan as a character and his reason for being. Your second sentence could use some reworking, as could your third- the pronouns are ambigious.
In fact, if you just bagged the whole first paragraph, I think this work could start just as well with your second paragraph. The flow seems to work better from the second paragraph on.
What this work needs is perspective to add to its description. Reading this, I have no idea whether you are in favor of or against the ghastly suicidal action at the end of the poem. Perhaps that was your intent, but suicide is a charged subject, and it cries out for commentary.
You've given me a winter scene, a seriously disturbed person, and a horrific action. Was this truly a mercy killing? Are there any loose ends to be tied up, so to speak? What will the neighbors think?
You have an excellent touch with language. Keep writing!
Basically, you ascribe the whole "go with the flow" theme. I like this very much, at least as it relates to ocean currents.
You should think about expanding this- perhaps identifying the "beach" concepts that you think are so important, and then choosing the "current" concepts that end up having greater meaning for you.
The rhyme structure is slightly out of whack here.
You establish a rhyming structure rhyming the second and fourth lines of every stanza- well/hell, caught/distraught, forget/debt, head/dead, around/ground, wrist/desist, and hell/cell.
But "hair" and "tears" is no match. That one doesn't sound right.
But then- beginning with your second stanza, you rhyme the first and third lines, perfume/loom, remember/ember, screaming/gleeming, flicker/bicker, approaches/emcroaches.
But "moonbeams" and "me," "forgiveness" and "vengeance," and "heavenly" and "misery" fall short of your structure.
You've obviously spent much time crafting this, it makes me wonder why you'd settle for inferior rhymes.
Four teenagers of privelege from Beverly Hills? It's hard to relate and care about their fate, especially since they have a BMW, fancy gadgets and what not.
I think you could reach your audience better by making the kids be a bit more relatable- less 90210, or OC. Or- you could add options where greater misfortune occurs for them, or character choices against them. "Proletariat" choose your own path, etc.
If spoiled rich kids get it, so much the better. I think your structure does hold some promise, however.
Dan, if you want people to take your essay seriously- you'll have to observe the rules of punctuation more closely.
Commas always have a space after them, like this.
Never like this,you see?
Plus, you should not overuse them. From your work:
"So, here I ask, was he impeached, or wasn't he?"
This sentence has too many commas. I won't point out each and every instance where you overuse them, but you should go back over this work and do a punctuation edit.
You also need to watch colloquial speech in your essay- "With 1995 come the events that almost cost him his job," and "1995 then turns over to 1996" are not examples of "professional sounding" writing.
I think you have thoroughly researched your topic, your facts and your conclusions. However- your readers may fail to acknowledge them if they disregard your content because of shoddy syntax and sentence construction.
At best, your work is a middling academic lecture, at worst- it's racist trash.
The title of your work- "The Williams Problem?" Nice of you to point out that there is a problem with the Williams sisters. See- Venus and Serena Williams are real people, not an academic debate. Your title leaves much to be desired. Highly presumptive of you.
As you put it in your thumbnail, you meander for quite some time before you address your so-called subject, women's tennis. You have THREE paragraphs of drivel before you even begin to approach the title subject of your essay.
Calling Richard Williams a "trickster" smacks of racism.
Your facts are wrong regarding Joe Louis and Max Schmeling. Read Chris Mead's book- Joe Louis: Black Hero in White America. I'm not saying that there weren't any white Americans who were against the Brown Bomber, but Joe Louis was a hero to all of America, even in some places where he was not allowed to eat or stay in the Jim Crow South. The USA was solidly behind Joe Louis in those matches.
Your facts are also wrong concerning Jennifer Capriati and Serena Williams. In this year's US Open, a Grand Slam event- Capriati defeated Serena in three sets, 2-6, 6-4, 6-4.
I'm glad you like women's tennis. Don't make it into your soapbox. It doesn't suit you.
I'm not sure that using a sunset is the perfect vehicle for expressing your feelings about the betrayal that Jenny perpertrated.
My reasoning- the sun sets each and every day, like clockwork. In fact- the sun is the reason for clocks themselves!
By this standard, Jenny would be betraying you roughly every seventeen hours, only to recant and make amends seven hours later. I don't think this is the metaphor you were going for.
I also wish you gave greater depth as to the betrayal itself. If you can't give details as to the exact means, how about more on how it made you feel?
One thing I did like about the sun metaphor was the promise of new beginnings for your narrator. I think you handled that well- but equating a sunset to a friends betrayal? One would hope their friends were not so disingenous on such a consistent basis.
Once again, your work is on the cutting edge where "in your face" meets "thought-provoking."
So many of the war's supporters are people who are not sending friends and family to fight, "by-proxy" warriors who could and would not dirty their own hands and bleed their own blood fighting for a war whose justification is still in doubt.
The modern answer to violent video games- it's disgusting. Grab a helmet and a rifle, that is what America used to stand for- when the cause was just.
Some notes- "angel's face" -use an apostrophe to show possession.
"but a love for her tore me inside."
I think you could express that better with something like- "But my desire for her tore me inside." Really express the concept that although "smoking a heart" seems vicious and something to be avoided, your narrator cannot help himself. This sounds like lust wins out over love, at least at this point in your work.
I think you should add "i begged and pleaded" to help the rhythm you established in this work- in the line, "no more than one drag i pleaded"- and then add the word "that" to- "she swore that one was all she needed."
I've got two issues- and both are central to the genre you are writing in.
First- the names. "Zero Starflare." It sounds like you are ripping off classics like "Luke Skywalker," Galactica's "Starbuck," etc. Slayer feels too Buffy. I know you are working within this genre, but give me your take on it, not a copy of what others in the genre have done in the past.
Second- the action. The reason Star Wars and others of its ilk have been so successful is the action sequences. This story is about professional space dogfighting. Why not describe in detail these thrilling manuevers? I have absolutely no emotional pull on the Revenant squadron's loss- it just feels like numbers, an excuse to use Zero and his pals to fill the missing slots.
Flagball, the game that Zero plays to attract attention to himself, only gets a cursory mention in your story. What is flagball? What are the rules? Can we watch a game? I'd like to see Zero's moves, but you never show them to your reader in detail.
The single greatest to improve this story is to improve your descriptions and the tension of the action sequences. Make sure that the action you envision in your mind makes its way to the written page.
I'd be a little careful about vampires in Louisana- I'm not saying that Anne Rice owns the patent on that particular concept, but she is singularly identified with New Orleans and vampires.
I think you need to stick an apostrophe in the word "moon's" to convey the steady ascent of the moon.
You have a gift for descriptive writing. Excellent work!
I like the way you described the transformation in the beginning of this work. Well done.
One thing I would watch carefully is your use of the word "she." In your final paragraph, you use "She" to begin six out of nine sentences. I don't think it's a good idea to have that sort of percentage related to a pronoun starting a sentence, even though the use is technically correct.
I enjoyed this article very much. As a matter of fact, I was already thinking about how I could get other people I know and perhaps some I don't know yet better informed about this great website. I was happy to see that such efforts are already underway.
This is a wonderful place. Thanks for writing this article, and facilitating this great community!
Haunting. This fills me with such sorrow, the emotions drip right off of the page. Beautiful work.
I especially like the title and imagery, "Chicken Pox of the Heart." Very inventive.
The theme that I think you could perhaps flesh out a bit more- is Chicken Pox itself.
Supposedly, once you catch the Pox, you are immune for the rest of your life. You could raise the spectre of being able to infect someone else, if you wished to.
However- this is just about perfect as is. Thank you for sharing this.
You poem brings to mind a classic bit from Mel Brooks' Young Frankenstein.
"A werewolf?"
"There. There wolf. There castle."
"Why are you talking like that?"
"I thought you wanted to."
Anyway- that was the first thing I thought of when I was reading your poem, which is very good. I like the egotisitcal manner of your protagonist the werewolf, who consumes his beloved, regrets it for a moment, and decides to do the whole thing all over again (as he has undoubtably done countless times before)
Which got me to thinking- what if this isn't about a werewolf at all? Don't many of us- unencumbered by lycanthropy- make the same stupid choices again and again, destroying others around us in the process?
Turns out the real monsters don't always wait around for Halloween.
I am very sorry for your loss. I can feel your emotion for your wife in your poem. This is excellent work.
Why is it when we lose someone does the time we spent apart from that person feel so meaningless? Your poem is strengthened by both the regret of such time wasted, and the deep affection that still remains despite the loss.
Life is "playing for keeps." No matter what one does- it is always for keeps.
You have the right to your beliefs- and I applaud you for exercising that right. But consider- how would you feel if people openly campaigned against your ability to have those beliefs- to make your own choices?
I always tell pro-lifers the same thing. If you do not like abortions, don't have one.
If the right to control one's own body becomes abridged, it could sadly be "for keeps."
What I like best about the way that you present Islamic teachings in the Quran- you are not "preachy" in the slightest. Too often, religious dogma from any sect can come across "Holier than Thou," to pardon a pun.
Prior to reading your selection, I had had some previous knowledge of Islam and the Quran, but I have to admit the information you presented was new to me. Thank you for that.
Finally- I think it is refreshing for any religion to have a good relationship with science. Too often- radical "creationist" Christians want to turn their backs on science, dictating to God the terms of how He could create the universe.
How little we know!
Is it any wonder that ancient Islamic people are responsible for devising the arithemtic system upon which the world's knowledge is based?
Regarding both poems- you have a few spelling errors and typos. Give both of these a once over and a good polish.
In the first work, when you say- "I will no longer hear I love you," I think you should add quotation marks to drive that point home. Witness:
I will no longer hear, "I love you."
I think the quotation marks could add a little more poignancy to that line.
About both works- they take love and the lack of it to an extreme, don't you think? Perhaps the object of "Goodbye" won't be telling you "I love you" anymore- but that does not necessarily mean you will never love again.
Similarly- in your second work- "If you take away your love, I might as well die?"
Suffice to say- I hope the protagonists are not the same in both poems. Otherwise- that person is as good as dead.
Losing love can feel like death- but in fact, it can be even worse than that. You have to go on living, feeling the absence. That's why it hurts so much.
Good imagery here. I like what you have written very much.
Quick thought- you start the first line with the slang, "wanna," but switch to "want to" in your third verse. The remainder of the poem, you never use slang again. This makes "wanna" stick out to me in a way I don't think you've intended.
The verse- "The has been slowly built for you in my mind," does not appear to make sense. I think you are missing a word or two here.
You capitalize each line, except for "onto," the second line of the second stanza. Intentional or not?
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