I liked the way you brought in references to several Indian traditions. I liked the strength of the emotion. However, there was something about the way it is structured that meant that I tripped over a lot of words as I was reading. I had to keep going back to see if I had read correctly. This has all of the ingredients of a good poem but a more formal structure might make it flow a little better. The irregular rhyming pattern was also quite difficult for me. I don’t want to be rude, I guess it’s more that this poem is different from the mainstream. The style has charm of its own but is a little like reading in a foreign language. You may not read it right the first time but once you understand it you appreciate it.
I ruined this piece by accidentally reading the end before I had begun. It was still pretty creepy. The she and I effect though the piece has romantic undertones. I guess the ending is happy but I’m not sure. The personification was so skilfully done that I hadn’t entirely noticed it.
Poor milkman doesn’t seem to be having the best day in this story.
The stories made sense even if the plot was a bit odd in places- then again stories aren’t supposed to be the mirror image of reality.
Extra points for linking the ports of your friends.
The last line was quite amusing.
No spelling errors.
Love Goldie
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I think I’m just beginning my Stephen King phase. I thought I’d tell you about a website I like since I’m here. Another writing.com member told me about it. You can swap books on it, my username is goldielocks and the address is www.bookcrossing.com in case you want to look. Ok, plug over.
The rpg game you describe sounds really good. I’ve never tried rpg but you make it sound fascinating. I’m glad you mentioned the newspapers because I’ve heard that some people do that.
This is a pretty good introduction as port explanations go. Perhaps you could put a couple of links on the end.
Love Goldie
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"No!" "What have you done?" "Come back to me!" Up to that line I am getting the impression that on a cold night the character was involved in a car accident in which someone died and that since then he has visited the hospital…lets see how wrong I am-
There are some unusual little teasing details thrown in. When you first enter the hospital scene as the reader there is quite a lot of empathy in the descriptions of the characters.
(If you are reading this on the review page and are going to read the item, don’t read on as what I am about to say will spoil the ending of an interesting tale.)
What happened at the road I was NOT EXPECTING. So very sad. The way you blended in the bit in italics was very clever.
I am really sorry to say that I struggled with the ending. The piece fitted together so well, yet I wasn’t sure if I got the right end of the stick. A.H was driving. J.H was walking. A.H facing ten years. It’s very nerve-wrenchingly human if I have read it right.
It’s really sad that things like this do happen often. I’m learning to drive right now…so it’s items like this that remind me never to compromise on safety. Good story that twist the perception of blame and grief.
The first few words sounded like a cliché- but instead of him feeling sorry for himself, the storm felt sorry for him- nice twist there. I can remember a storm like that.
The third paragraph doesn’t run together that well in a kind of he did, she did, he felt, she felt kind of way. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I think you can improve that bit.
The absence of the storm was something that never occurred to me before- quite mysterious.
By the time Mother Nature steps in this is turning into a cool parable/fable/myth type piece.
“Late on the twenty-fifth day of rain”- from here a new paragraph might work- highlighting the change of focus to the family.
The part about the duty of nature was a nice piece of philosophy- which made me think about pollution- that is our responsibility.
It’s so cool what happened to the man- it’s a bittersweet ending. It was a very sad thing for the storm though.
This piece doesn’t flow as well as the others but it accomplished in that it has a changing of the seasons aura. I can’t quite describe what I mean. …An innocent feel perhaps.
It didn’t occur to me until after reading the piece that there are battles (between nature and nature) (and man and nature).
The stormy lady reference was stirring.
The piece reminded me of a song that says, “I’ll do my crying in the rain.”
No spelling mistakes that I saw.
Write on
Love Goldie
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The opening paragraph was very neat. It could mean one of two things.
The plot was becoming scarily real by the fourth paragraph- do I dare read on?
The entrance of the male character was very dramatic. Showing how the woman was cared for even though she couldn’t see it.
The second to last line was so blunt, so cruel, so perfect. The last line sealed the piece, in that there was only one solution to her problem even though it wasn’t ideal.
I thought this piece was exceptional in how much detail you put into so little space without having to reveal the entire history of the characters. Reading between the lines said it all. If I am honest, I didn’t like parts of the story because it was scarier than I could handle. That’s only my preference though. On the other hand I did enjoy it because it’s good that someone is open enough to write about these sorts of things.
To tell a story from the conclusion took a lot of skill. There is no doubt in my mind that your story construction is truly excellent.
The effect of the conclusion on the man must have been quite immense. It is always a good think when you can imagine beyond the end of the story. In fact I could imagine the entire history of the female character if I wanted to (having known a few people that were a similar but milder version of her).
No spelling mistakes that I saw.
Write on
Love Goldie
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I liked the bees simile but it didn’t read right to me that the character was woken from her sleepless night. I think you could make the end of that line more frustrating. Perhaps by saying that it was the twelfth time that night or something like that. Then the words “Not again” refer to that night in particular as opposed to “Not again” implying that this pain has happened on previous nights.
The child/spider episode reveals a lot.
“drift to pleads” at edit point 12. I’m not sure if this is a difference between American English and English English but I’ve never heard anyone say pleads- I’ve always heard it as pleas. Pleads is actually prettier and having made my point I think you are correct actually. I plead, I pleaded, I will plead…My pleads/pleas. You are correct- (laughs at self)
I really like the way time falls away in this piece- when you are really ill and breakfast seems to come only ten minutes before dinner.
Edit points 16-18 I found hard to follow. I assume she is watching her children play and personifying her illness as a monster she has no strength to run from.
“Oh, God. What have I become?” That line says a great deal about the piece.
The final two lines are very poignant and symbolise a complex emotion that many people understand at some point in their lives. You set up almost a half life, with tasks completed but not remembered. The final line seals the piece- giving the plot redemption.
The summary has hooked me in. Usually I wouldn't read this far in a long piece. I must admit though I skipped a few bits in my desperation to find out what happened.
This is an immense tale. Is it in print? I'd like to read the whole thing because it's one of those things that makes you realise that people can survive anything.
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