A couple of things I want to address before I get to the three main points.
"I should hope so," said the Sphinx wiping her mouth with her paw. "I suggest you take a message back to your king. Tell him he, or someone acting on his behalf, must solve my riddle:
(at this point in the story I have to ask “What’s missing here? Someone must solver her riddle… or else? I think we can assume it’s bad news for everyone if the riddle is not solved, but someone somewhere will ask “Why?”)
Brion wasn't so sure, but he agreed to go to Albion Wood the next day.
* * *
The next day, Esmerelda and Brion arrived in Albion wood at the Sphinx's nest.
(you’ve begun your next sentence with the end of your last, it doesn’t read well. I would have just ended the first sentence after “Albion Wood”)
Summarizing:
Plot: The story flows well, with the one exception mentioned above. The sphinx used a riddle which is typical of the creature, but I enjoyed the character’s attempts at solving as well as trying to solve it myself as I read. The last line was my favorite.
Description: I would have liked to see a little more time spent on descriptions of characters. Unless I’m mistaken, Esmerela is the only one who gets a description in that she has long golden hair and that she’s pretty, at least compared to the sphinx.
Grammar, Punctuation, and Spelling: No errors tripped me as I read and I really enjoyed it.
Good read here. I'd have to say my favorite part is that you've gone off the beaten path and went in your own unique direction with what could easily be just another cliche dragon story. Natural dialog and good descriptions are found in this short-but-sweet piece.
There are two things that made me stop reading to say "what?" Please remember these are only MY opinion and they don't make your work "wrong."
First, this sentence:
There was an empty silence for a moment as the sparkling refuse absorbed her voice — and then the dragon unfurled and stood and rose to its full height, its serpentine head held high.
One too many "and"s for my liking.
The second: Why, no, how would Alex be able to stray so far away to a dragon's lair? I don't think one would live near a village or city, and the trek would probably be so long that she would sober up long before she reached the dragon.
I know I may be taking the story a little too seriously, but even with comedy, I think it's what writers should do.
There are some minor errors in this piece, but the most important thing to do would be to space your paragraphs. Without the proper spacing this may make your intended readers want to throw it away before reading it.
You get your point across well by complimenting your strengths without going over-the-top. Personally I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to have you, except the fact that they didn't want to read the current cramped wall of text.
This is the first story I've read on WDC that actually gave me chills. A great big inspiring metaphor for ones own vision of life all summed up in so few words. Deep and satisfying read. There is nothing I would change about this piece.
The story felt a little too long but maybe it was just me wanting to figure out what that sound really was! I didn't expect the suspense to be so great. The whole time I was reading I felt like I was right there egging on the protagonist each time he did something crazy to his apartment.
I found this randomly searching for comedy items and although it did make me laugh, I thought it could just as well be a horror, which I know is something you do well. Seems to me to be written by a professional.
Great stuff, keep it coming!
-Alan
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hermitcrab
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.25 seconds at 12:05am on Apr 20, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
