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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/hiluhriehope
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32 Public Reviews Given
35 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try to be encouraging and friendly. I will never tear down your work, but I will not lie to you, either. Generally, I prefer to ask guiding questions of the writer, if I think an area needs improvement, rather than tell the writer what to do. I will comment on: My first impressions of the piece, grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc., plot, setting, characters, line by line suggested edits, and overall impression and suggested improvements.
I'm good at...
Grammar, spelling, etc. Characterization Description
Favorite Genres
Urban/Dark/Modern Fantasy, Drama
Least Favorite Genres
Sci-fi, Action/Adventure, Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, Flash fiction, Novels/Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Non-fiction
I will not review...
Poetry. While I do enjoy reading poetry, I am not a poet and I have no place telling you how to improve your poems. (: Erotica/Adult Anything with a rating above 18+. Again, not that I don't necessarily enjoy reading more adult works, I just am no great shakes at reviewing it.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: E | (5.0)
I don't review poetry, so I don't have any real feedback for you.
I just wanted to stop by and say that I love this. It's so sweet. :) *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of Treasure  
Review by Hope's Twis...
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*FairyL*A Review by Hope*FairyR*
Remember, as always, this is just my opinion. You may not agree with me, and
that's fine! This is your work. Keep writing!


*FairyL*Line by Line*FairyR*
Your story in black. My comments in orange. Suggested edits in
purple.

Line By Line ▼


*FairyL*Overall Impression/Suggestions*FairyR*

I would recommend against opening the story with dialogue. I had no idea who was talking and you don't want your readers confused in the first paragraph.
Also, almost every single sentence in this piece ends with an exclamation mark. I would take out most of them. Save them for a line or two where you really want to make it clear that this is a Very Big Deal. When you have so many, especially in such a short piece, after the first few the reader either stops seeing them (and therefore is not reading the sentence the way it should be, which makes the exclamation point worthless anyway) or gets annoyed.
You have a section - noted in the line by line - where I'm not sure if one of the dogs is talking or not. There's no quotation marks around his speech.
Last thing: you use the word 'ladies' quite often and there are a lot of names mentioned that don't belong to anyone who actually shows up in the story. Maybe you could reference these characters (I'm assuming other dogs :) ) by their characteristics briefly. "That one with the bright red hair that lives on the corner? I heard her telling her friend she saw it with her own eyes." Just an example.
Other than those couple of things, I can't think of anything else to comment on. This is a really cute little piece of flash fiction. I think the story itself is great - love that surprise ending!
Well done. :)


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review of Haley  
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I'm going to start off by saying that I really like this little piece. (:
I think, though, that you could possibly change the first two sentences to present tense and it might read better.
Like so: "Haley is the picture of innocence. She is very well-behaved, gets exceptional grades and is loved by everyone she meets - but behind those pale blue eyes lurks a monster."
Almost everyone that has ever reviewed my writing has warned me against overusing the passive voice ("was", "hasn't", etc.) I have found that changing sentences, where possible, to active voice, greatly improves my writing.
I think you should watch that in this piece, as well. Look for ways to switch your sentences over to active voice, and show the reader, instead of tell him/her, what is happening.
For example: "I can't explain how she was doing it. She would just point to them, and they would just...shrink." (You also use the word 'just' within a few beats of each other. Be careful of words that repeat too closely.)
These two sentences could read, like so: "I couldn't believe it. She pointed at each cat, in turn, and before my eyes they would shrink."
You could also try throwing in something to compare the shrunken cats to, for scale. "One of the cats disappeared behind the toaster." Or something similar.

"Just be extremely careful." You could take out the word 'extremely' without detracting from the sentence.

Again: "Just be extremely careful. . . . Now I'm exhausted just from walking across this keyboard."
Maybe you could reword one or both of these sentences to avoid the repeating word?
"Be careful. . . . Just walking across this keyboard is exhausting." or "Be careful. She caught me watching. Walking across this keyboard is exhausting. I can't imagine how I'll get off this desk."
(:

With all that said - the ending is my favorite part! That is a great twist. (:
This is a great little story and I really enjoyed reading it.
Good work!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of A Unicorn is Born  
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm not really a poet, so I won't try to review this. I'll leave that to the experts. (:
But I did want to say how much I loved this. I have to say, just reading the title, I didn't expect to love it, but I was pleasantly surprised. This is so sweet, and just fantastic! Gahh! (:
I'm adding it to my favorites. Thank you so much for such a lovely piece of poetry.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review of Faerie Magic  
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: E | (4.0)
I was so excited when I saw that this poem is about faeries! I love faeries. (:
Before I being this review, please keep in mind that poetry is not my strong suit. All opinions are my own. Do with them what you will. Remember that this is your writing, and yours alone. Follow your instincts as a writer. Trust yourself. Above all, keep writing. (:
I'm going to break it up verse by verse:

Verse 1:
I think it would read better if 'faerie magic' wasn't repeated so close together. Maybe: "Faerie magic is everywhere / Look at the ring of mushrooms / It is the mark of the Fae." Or something similar.

Verse 2:
What happens when you eat primroses? Do they give you faery sight, as the last line of this verse suggests? I think it's a little unclear.

Verse 3:
I think the last line, 'something one would not want' is a little redundant. As soon as you mentioned death, the reader knew it was something they didn't want. You could try to tie it in with the 'faerie magic' theme more. Give some backstory. Why is the bluebell a sign of death? Something like: "Stay away from the bluebell. / This is the sign of death, / The retribution of the Fae." might flow better with the poem as a whole.

Verse 4:
I think the placement of this verse is perfect. The information about undoing faery magic following the verse about the flower of death, is great. Timing is everything, as they say.

Overall, I like the idea of this poem: how you showed the different ways that the Fae have touched the world around us. I think with a bit of polishing, this could be a lovely poem. I may be biased. I just love faeries. (:
Good job!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review of A Wiccan Decision  
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I am a Wiccan, although I don't have too much of a problem with this. I grew up in a Christian household and I have all respect for Christian beliefs - I just don't agree with them. :)
But one problem I do have is the last line, "May you not be seduced by the "Wiccan's Rede!" --> What exactly is wrong with the Wiccan Rede? "An it harm none, do what ye will." Translating to: As long as you don't hurt anyone, including yourself, do whatever you want. It's basically the same as the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Just worded a bit differently. I think it would make more sense and be less offensive to some if you changed it to something about not being seduced by magic or spells or false idols - all of those are things that the Christian God expressly forbids. However, I don't know of anywhere in the Bible that he forbids being good to people.

While I don't agree with your poem, I think it was cute:) And I understand that part of the Christian faith and the law laid down by God is to tell the people of his Word, so I'm okay with this poem. I would think that many Wiccans aren't okay with it because Wicca doesn't believe in proselytizing.
7
7
Review by Hope's Twis...
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Lovely:) Although I do write a lot of poetry, I don't know anything about the mechanics of it and it is not my strong point. So I don't have a lot of constructive criticism for you, just encouragement. I really enjoyed reading this. I liked that it hints at the alcohol problem with the dad, but it doesn't go into gruesome details and stays true to the innocence of the child.
I also like in the second line, "Tired smile replies . . ." I thought that was a powerful, yet simple, description.
My favorite line in the whole poem has got to be the ending line. "But, Mommy, walking on eggshells is not for you and me." It says so much about the boy and his mom and their relationship in just a few short words.
Good job:)
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