Review of Chapter 1
Wow, this chapter has me thrown for a loop. I’m used to a first chapter that hints at something coming? But so far all I know is her parents have died. I don’t know her name or anything! I have mulled this over a bit and I think I actually like that. WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN?! I need to know!
I actually think that by leaving the reader in the dark you have created interest. Way to go!
I do have a few problems that I have to point out. There isn’t much here as far as setting. I know that she has a dining room and a family room, but there is nothing here about them. The great thing about doing a story in 1st person POV is you can show things to the reader the way the character sees them. It also bugs me that we don’t know anything about what her parents look like. I did notice that you snuck in that Dad and Uncle Domingo were Spanish so I am taking from that they are the typical light skinned and blue eyes. I might be wrong though, and that’s the problem with not giving the reader enough clues.
There aren’t a lot of errors in your writing, so that’s fantastic. I’ll have them pointed out below as I see them. There are a few things in general I wanted to point out here, though. Watch out for the –ly words. Usually they are unnecessary and tend to make a piece flat. Also, try not to reuse any word more than once in the same paragraph. It draws the readers’ eyes to it and keeps them from getting into the story. You don’t want to lose them to a technicality.
I can’t wait to take a look at your second chapter! You’re doing great. Keep it up!
Line-by-Line Details
Mom explained that the difference came down to the core assumptions each field made. She explained that Dad …Try to change one of these to not be ‘explained’. Its immediately noticeable being the beginning of the story.
Every day I would sit, quietly, play with my peas and mashed potatoes and wish for parents who discussed normal things. This sentence confused me. I tried reading it out loud to see if the confusion would resolve itself, but there is just something off about it. You might try rewording it to make more sense.
What was wrong with talking about politics, or Television, or the Price of Gas? Not that my parents didn't discuss these issues as well, but it always turned around and before long they were talking about ethics, and responsibility, and free will. Make sure that you put commas between items in a list longer than 2 items or ideas. I highlighted the places in both these sentences for you.
"But we're not finished with dinner yet, darling." My mother was really into eating at the table together. She felt it was the basis of a stable family. I never got to agree with her while she was alive, but I think she was right about that. I hate to say this, because there is nothing wrong with this paragraph, but it kind of disappointed me to find out they were going to die before they did. It took the surprise away from it. But maybe you didn’t want this to be a surprise?
"Thanks." I said as I was already leaving the Dining Room and rushing to get in front of the TV. I never kissed them goodbye. I just waved without looking away from the screen when they left for the last time. I think it would work better as a comma or semicolon with the last two sentences here.
As I sat watching the emaciated groupies kiss up to the older and wiser skeleton on the screen, I thought,"Why can't I have a normal life like that?" OOPS! You missed the space between thought and “Why”
"We're so sorry to bring you this news." The nice female police officer said as she sat next to me on the Living Room sofa, trying to be comforting. Living room doesn’t need to be capitalized. If it was the name of a place like a club or restaurant then it would be, but rooms in the house don’t need to be.
"I realize it's difficult," The male police officer said, with gentle authority, sure that they were right and I was wrong, A lot of people won’t even notice this little slip, but you need to make sure you are consistent with POV. It will confuse readers after a while when your 1st person narrator starts picking up on what others are feeling. She can’t possibly know that this is what they were thinking. Like I said, a lot of people wouldn’t notice this, but I am the POV police!
"My Mom and Dad are the only family I have here in Connecticut." I whispered. This goes back to my comment on setting. This statement raises a TON of questions. Where in Connecticut are they? What time of year is it? What does it look like? You have to assume that the reader has never been to these places and they have no idea what to expect with this world even when it is the one we live in.
Both the police officers looked at each other with concern, thinking grief had finally overcome my sanity. Here is another POV slip-up. Again, she won’t know what they are thinking and you have to word things carefully to make sure that she is either jumping to some conclusion or that they are actually voicing these concerns with it isn’t something coming from her mind.
"Where is your uncle, uh..." the female police officer hesitated then decided she couldn't pronounce Domingo anyway, "Sunday?" Here is another POV slip. I think you are probably getting the idea by now, so I will stop pointing them out.
and I certainly didn't know it by heart. I think it would be safe to say ‘his number’ rather than ‘it’ in this instance.
"Why?" I asked him, puzzled.
I wasn't even sure what was funny. How I looked in the robe, my hair all messed up from sleep, my eyes puffy from crying, my large pink girlie slippers. They all struck me suddenly as hysterically funny. These sentences should either be one sentence or the first needs to be revised. You could try using a semicolon or a hypen.
But just when I thought I was giving into the urge to laugh, and starting to let it out, it turned on me suddenly and became tears, and then wails, and then tears and wails, and I was Niagara Falls in my living room, and I couldn't stop. I like this part. Along with the previous paragraph, it gives the reader a very good idea of the grief she is feeling. Great job!
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chocked should be choked. 
Review Submitted by a Proud Sunshine Reviewer for "