This is a sweet poem and I like that! (I've been reading a lot of somber, melancholy or downright angry poetry in the last couples on the site :) ).
I like how you started down the path of a conventional "sleeping beauty" and then took a sharp turn in the second stanza to when the "horrors" came back with you. And then you continued in the 3rd stanza. I like the progression.
A few suggestions:
1) You have a few misspellings. Psychological, tangible. These slow down the reader and pull them out of the cool world you brought them into so effectively. You should fix those up.
2) I would try adding question marks to the end of your stanzas. The subject is, after, asking questions. See how it looks and feels. You might like (or not).
3) The last stanza feels a little forced to me, at least the rhyme itself. I don't have any good idea on how to improve, but a nagging voice is telling me you might be able to find a better rhyme. I don't like pointing stuff out if I can't think of a better way to do it, but I'm stumped.
I hope this was useful.
It's a sweet poem (assuming the answers are "Yes!" to the questions, which I assume they are :) ).
There are some really cool images here. I like this in particular:
>> Coming into reality like a distant film,
>> Playing in your mind.
I also like this:
>> Only to be eaten by the monsters
>> In the closest we choose to hide in.
I think you could do better on the opening to this stanza:
>> Fading into black, as our eyes close
>> And we fall into the rabbit hole.
I feel like "fading into black" and variations like that are kind of overused. Same with rabbit hole. Plus, rabbit hole evokes an entire story that doesn't have anything to do with your poem, as far as I understand it :) I'd leave Alice out of it entirely and try to pick a less cliche-like "fading into black" kind of phrase.
I feel like there are a lot of interesting ideas and themes. This stanza stands out for me:
>> Fear running through our eyes, as our heart Skips a beat.
>> Anticipation for the things we expect,
>> But so desperately hope to never achieve.
>> Constantly putting ourselves down,
>> But letting our actions get in the way of loving another.
>> For we are our worst enemies.
I like this expression, we are our worst enemies and it feels like a fitting conclusion to the stanza.
I am having hard time gluing the whole thing into a cohesive story / theme. The final line:
>> Let is all Go. Close your eyes. Be Free.
I don't feel like I was led up to that strong closing line. I will thinking on this a bit more, but if you're willing, I'd like to understand what your theme was in order to help me understand the big picture.
There are a lot of really nice elements here. Keep writing!
I really like this line, repeated twice I believe:
>> It’s not a single trait, it’s your everything that’s you
It's a great line in and of itself and I like how it closes the poem.
You strike a nice, melancholy tone. It's a good balance between despair (despite the "deathly unkind" opening line) and ... melancholy :)
I suggest you play around with a few things:
1) Try adding a few commas where you want the reader to pause. Take this from the last stanza:
>> As I walk this earth completely lost in dream
>> Will there be a way to maybe see this through
>> I can’t contain myself I really want to scream
>> It’s not a single trait, it’s your everything that’s you
I feel like the 3rd line in that stanza should read:
>> I can contain myself [comma] I really want to scream
OTOH, if you're looking for the reader to kind of rush through that breathless, which is not a bad effect, then you've succeeded. (At least withi me :) )
2) Look for and correct punctuation mistakes. These are easy to fix. They are small things but they distract. For instance, the last line of the first stanza:
>> Constantly having someone consuming your souls mind
Should be:
Constantly having someone consuming your soul[apostraphe]s mind
This is the first Whitney poem I've read and it reall packs a punch :)
The closing is really strong. In such a short few words, you managed to lead me to memories of fireworks and that wonderful chest thumping "boom!" that is so satisfying.
My only critical thought is that "blackest night" feels kind of ... blah. I felt like I was being set up for something conventionally dramatic (and maybe overblown), but I doubt that the the effect you were going for. I would consider changing it to something less spooky sounding and more "hey, we're waiting for fireworks!" sounding, if that makes any sense. Maybe "Darkened night" or something like that. You might try playing around with a few ideas like that.
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